(this post is about a t4t autistic4autistic stone butch4stone femme relationship. my femme uses he/they/she pronouns.)
there are two topics i think don’t get as much attention as they could in stone butch/stone femme discussions:
it’s possible to like doing something nice for your partner even/especially if they “don’t do it back”
orgasm is not an unambiguously good or desirable thing for everyone all the time in all situations
for nonsexy examples, i like making pour-over coffee, and whenever possible i make my girlfriend coffee and breakfast in the morning. they could do it for themself, but i like the action of doing it. the only thing i “get” out of it is him being sleepy and cute playing with her phone at the table, and a kiss and a “thank you baby” when i pass over the mug. it’s something i like doing for its own sake.
my girlfriend drives me to work almost every day. she doesn’t have to - i’ve said before that i walked to and from work every day for five years before we moved in together - but they like spending the time together, and knowing that i’m not walking most of a mile in whatever weather.
i like getting my girlfriend off. i feel good and satisfied when he orgasms. the way their body and brain are configured means multiple orgasms are good, and when she’s all fucked out i get to have a happy, cuddly, shivery jelly-femme in my arms (and, as they put it, “a well-earned god complex”).
orgasms can be more complicated for me. some kinds of touch can trigger my ptsd. sometimes getting in the headspace of arousal requires me to be very aware of my own genitals, which can trigger dysphoria. even some things that aren’t triggering, things “everyone likes”, feel about as erotic as someone putting their fingers in my nose. on the other hand, “non-sex” kink acts like being scratched by my femme’s sharp nails can be delightfully overwhelming, even if they don’t make me orgasm.
my girlfriend only touches me in ways i like to be touched. just as importantly, my girlfriend only touches me in ways they like to touch. when we want to try something new we talk about it, including potential ways it could hit wrong, and ways to safe-signal out if needed. we make space for ourselves and each other, to feel our own feelings, without trying to map onto what a non-stone relationship “should” look like.
not every relationship looks the same, but i think you should be able to have a base of communication and trust with whoever you’re intimate with, in whatever ways intimacy looks like for you. like. i don’t think that’s a wild thing to say.
