The Bushwick Enquirer

The 90′s were the best in terms of fashion, technology, and music. (Ummm...Backstreet Boys Ruled!) Here’s a list that only us 90′s kids GET.

1.) TGIF!

You couldn't wait to get home from school and catch the TGIF lineup. You would get mad at your dad if he was home late and missed Boy Meets World. Cory and Topanga were the cutest couple.

2.) SLIME!

You knew you would get SLIMED on TV someday! Your dad promised to take you to California after he got his promotion, but he never did. Ever wonder what the slime tasted like?

3.) LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE.

You could imagine climbing the Steps of Knowledge and holding up the Hidden Artifact for the whole world to see. Your mom and dad would be so proud of you. Both of them clapping in the front row. You remember when dad packed up his stuff while mom spent at week in Oregon. The 90′s were a great time. 

4.) BEANIE BABIES!

Your dad gave you a new Beanie Baby and said, "Even though mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore, we still love you. Stay strong champ." You almost had the entire Beanie Babies Collection!

5.) FULL HOUSE!

You wished that you could live in a big family. Your Dad's visits became less and less frequent. You moved to Clearwater County and had to go to a new school, but you were happy cause at least once a month you visited dad. You scribbled the word divorce over and over in your notebook. You had no idea that Michelle was played by twins! 

6.) SLAP BRACELETS!

You would slap your wrists until your skin was red with irritation. Hitting yourself gave you a temporary jolt of stimulation in your otherwise numb existence.  You thought you could talk your mom into remarrying dad but she started dating. Remember trading bracelets with your best friends!

7.) THIS DOG!

When you drove by a Taco Bell you would remember when you and your dad would share 12 Taco Combo Pack. Mom wouldn't take you there because she said it was unhealthy, which is hypocritical because she smoked. You started stealing cigarettes from her purse to teach her a lesson. Everyone in school kept saying “Yo Quiero Taco Bell.”  

8.) OREGON TRAIL!

You would play this at school but found it hard to focus. You kept thinking about how your mom told you dad married a new woman and you would have baby step brother. You started to wish that you died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail. Did anybody ever finish that game? I never did. #LOL 

9.) TAMAGOTCHI!

This was a great way to kill time. Especially once your mom made you see Dr. Ridgeway every Tuesday. You would just sit there silently from 5:00 until 6:00. You let all your Tamagotchi pets die by leaving them in your locker over the weekend. Mom tried being nice by getting you a hamster. Real pets were way more high maintenance than a Digimon.    

10.) TALKBOY!

You used your Talkboy to record a pretend radio show. You tried to send it to your dad but you didn’t know his new address. After it was sent back twice by the mail man, you finally gave up. After seeing Home Alone 2, you start planning to run away but you didn’t. One day while no one was home, you took your hamster out of his cage. Put it into a pillow case with a rock and threw it into Clearwater Creek. How much money do you think Macaulay Culkin made from Home Alone?

11.) KOOSH BALL! 

Mom brought home her new boyfriend Jake. You prayed to whatever concept of god you had left that Jake would drown to death. Once you threw your Koosh Ball at him. After he tried to give you a punishment you pretended to cry and said he hit you. Mom believed you, mom always believed you. Do they even sell Koosh Balls anymore? 

12.) POGS!  

Mom's new boyfriend Josh left his wallet out. You took 20 dollars and threw his wallet under a sewer grate. Everyone at school was jealous of the pogs you bought with the stolen money. You were king of that school! Remember all the cool slammers? 

13.) MACARENA! 

I remember the macarena. Now I'm an unemployed telemarketer in my 30's. Overweight and I smoke a pack a day. My girlfriend said if I don’t quit drinking she is going to quit me, I wanna see her try. My dad just sent me a facebook friend request and I'm not responding. Let's see how he likes being ignored. 

They have one simple task: CLEAN YOUR DIRTY DISHES, but for those of us who have them, they can really make life hell.

1. When you DON'T select heat dry, but it heat dries anyways.

2. When food particles GET CRUSTED ON.

3. This.

4. And this.

5. oh and THIS.

6. UH, the way that plastic containers never seem to get dry. #ANNOYING.

7. Or when a plastic container just melts.

8. That on again off again sound.

9. When a dish weighs down the rotating water sprinkler and breaks the motor. 

But even if they’re not perfect, you wouldn’t trade your dishwasher for the world because having one is what separates you from a poor person. 

1.) The lease is up. 

2.) The funeral home closes at 10:00.

3.) They have now given birth to your 2nd child.

4.) They junk be smelling totes nasty.

5.) District manager is getting suspicious.

6.) Seriously they junk is smelling nasty. They might have an infection, don't tell them, just leave. 

5.) Your partner is getting in the way of your true love, indulging your crippling addiction to alcohol.

6.) Their leg got smashed by an elevator.

7.) Just to fuck with them. Then get back together 3 months later.

8.) He says powtato you say poetato, he says towmato you say toemota, powtato, poetato, towmato, toemato. And oh yeah did I mention he fucked your best friend a few hours before the rehearsal dinner, yeah.

9.) We all die alone and there will be no pope, parent, or significant other there to hold your hand as you walk the plank into the unknown.

This man is taking up like 3.5 seats! Get over yourself. 

Oh, don't mind us. We like having to stand on the

train after a hard day of working. Do you need a

foot massage too!  

WTF? How many seats do you need?! What's

your excuse? Big testicles? No ones testicles

are that big!  

Wow, seriously. This is public transportation! 

Everyone the king of england is here and needs

all these seats! OMG!

Did your bags pay $2.25 to get on the train? Then

how come they get there own seats? Rude. 

Ridiculous, we get it, you have big man feet now

please recoil them. Am I right?! 

What? That's a subway seat not a reclining chair!

Do you think you're at the beach!

Holy moly, don't mind these two women that have

to stand cause you feel entitled. Where are you

manners? Are they located on the other side

of the train along with your entitlement certificate!   

            America's favorite dog athlete, Air Bud, is being mourned by millions in what authorities are classifying as a suicide. Police believe that the suicide was triggered by the loss of a basketball game that took place last weekend.

          Air Bud, who played for the Santa Monica Vikings is best known for his movie roles and being the only dog in history to play professional sports. Teammate and close friend, Jason Reade, told reporters, "I noticed Air Bud had become more withdrawn in the past couple months. He had his fair share of problems but I never thought he would do this."

          His body was found at the Motel 6 in Santa Monica off of Century Blvd. According to reports the hotel room was scattered with empty pill bottles and chocolate bar wrappers. Close friends of Air Bud say he had a tough year due to a divorce from a border collie named Button. He also had mounting financial problems because of back taxes from 2011. He was scheduled to be in Air Bud: Hoop Dreamz 2. The story about a dog basketball coach who goes to an inner city school and teaches kids how to overcome adversity. It was scheduled to start filming this year but due to a conflict with Paramount it was pushed back to 2018.                      

Air Bud entertained millions of people around the world. His legacy lives on through his films. He will be missed and our hearts go out to his friends and family during this difficult time. Thanks for all the laughs Air Bud, and we know somewhere in heaven you are playing a great game of basketball.

Written by Matt Struck. He writes the Bushwick Movie Review and also  

1.) I WAS ABLE TO AVENGE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER.

Ten years ago my father was shot to death on a quiet street in Bay Ridge. It was a struggle growing up and constantly thinking about his murder. Since the age of 15, I have been collecting evidence in the hopes of one day avenging his death. About a month ago, I discovered my father’s killer was living in Arizona. For security reasons I will be referring to my father’s killer as Jerry. I left New York and wouldn’t be happy until I finally got the justice I deserved.

2.) CHEAP DRINKS.                                                                                    

When I first I arrived in Arizona I wanted to get more information on Jerry. I went into bars around town and asked if anyone knew him. I said I was his long lost cousin trying to reconnect with my family (ironic huh.) To my surprise, cocktails were only $3.00 ($2.25 during happy hour.) You would be surprised how much information someone would disclose after 4 whiskey gingers. 

3.) AFFORDABLE RENT.

I was going to be in Arizona for a couple days so I needed a safe house before I made my move on Jerry. I rented out half of a duplex for $250 for an entire month (Great deal, right?!) I found the listing on craigslist. I paid in cash and there were no questions asked by the landlord. I brought enough food and supplies with me so I didn’t need to leave the house. I didn’t want to arouse any suspicion in town so I slept during the day. At night I would work out, familiarize myself with maps, and revisit the evidence. While I was in Arizona I was basically a ghost.  

4.) PEOPLE WERE NICER.

I found that people were very gracious and considerate. One day, I went into the diner down on Clifton St. and ordered a classic breakfast. I got an order of pancakes, bacon, two eggs with hash browns and a large orange juice. An older woman took my order and she was the sweetest thing I ever met. She talked about her grandkids and how the town has changed over the years.

I guess I am the town exception (in terms of kindness) because I was there to take a man's life. On the night of the killing I snuck into Jerry's house, (he always left the back door unlocked.) I quietly awoke Jerry from his sleep and stuck my fully loaded Desert Eagle pistol into his mouth. I then marched him down to his basement and had him beg me for forgiveness. After 10 years of grieving I was finally able to spill the blood of my father's killer. Let’s just say Jerry died doing what he loved, begging for mercy then being shot in the head four times. 

5.) Open Spaces.

In New York it can be hard to get rid of a body unless you have a mob connection. I can’t just pick up a phone and make a body disappear. Arizona had miles of desert and beautiful scenery. While I was driving Jerry to his unmarked grave, I remember taking in the beauty and calmness of the desert. The sunset was breathtaking, there is an ancient wisdom in the air if you listen closely. Before I put Jerry into the ground, I propped him up against a rock and asked him what he thought about the view, after holding a pretend conversation with Jerry I started laughing and couldn't stop. It lasted a good couple of minutes. Probably the funniest thing that happened on my trip.   

6.) PEACE OF MIND

As all of our readers know, Bushwick is home to an array of fabulous dining options. This hip hood has it all, from trendy infused fusion foods to delicious slabs of meat tenderly given to you on squares of parchment paper. Lately though there have been murmurs in the foodie stratosphere of something completely different. This fearless foodie had the rare chance to glimpse this something different on one coincidentally rainy Thursday afternoon. Situated on the corner of Bushwick and Montrose, this little hole in the wall waits patiently for its grand opening in late 2016. The walls are a nondescript shade of blue that says 'I didn't care about the color I just picked one!' The tables are utterly soulless and weirdly matching in color to the walls. The sole proprietor, "The Linda," as she prefers to be called, hovers behind the counter with a grimace. Her hair a mousy brown, she wears all denim in a totally unironic manner, despite it being Bushwick. "Well, (she lets out a very large sigh), I got this place and I figured out how to make some desserts that are okay...I'm just so tired and, you know, depressed. Guess that's why I decided to call this place "Depressing Desserts." And with that, a dim star is born!

  "Depressing Desserts" truly lives up to its name. The Linda tells me that there will only be two pie flavors: blue and red. There will also be packaged Pop Tarts that they will put on a plate but will not remove from the package. "I'm just so sad and tired," The Linda explains. I was given a sampler platter of what I can only describe as these really sad crumbly balls of what seemed like pie crust. Some of them were just doused in cinnamon and some in the most depressing rainbow sprinkles ever. "I like the pretty colors" explains The Linda, her lackluster eyes gazing down forlornly. Upon viewing a sample of the menu, I discover some truly depressing dessert names such as, "Grandma's Baked Apple Delight" and "Laurie's Guilty Pleasure Brownies." I also discover that men 50 and over who come to satisfy their cravings sans companions will receive a "sad old man eating pie" discount.

  "I'd really like to just be alone" says The Linda, as News Radio plays on all three TVs in the shop with the sound off.

"But I bought all these tables and chairs so I hope people come eat here."

Have you ever gone to a bar or a club with the hopes of meeting someone? Either Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now...Who hasn't done that, am I right?

So you get home, unwind, forget about the work day. Then you go out just to find yourself at a bar filled with guys you have nothing in common with. Well here at the Bushwick Enquirer we made a list of 10 HOT SPOTS where even HOTTER BACHELORS like to hang out. Enjoy.  

1.) James

Motto: "If my heart had a twitter account, it would be tweeting @ you all day long."

Favorite Hangout: Maison Premiere Oyster House in Williamsburg 

James still has time to take a lady out on the town, even though he is the Director of Corporate Strategy at a little website called (cough), Twitter. He makes an amazing chicken tikka masala and believes in love at first site.

Turn ons: Someone who is opinionated. 

Turn offs: Being passive aggressive.

2.) Derek

Motto: “No, I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

Favorite Hangout: Anywhere

Despite being emotionally distant and lacking in coping skills, he is quite a catch. Friends say that they worry about his problems with alcohol and that he was, “doing so well”. According to a police report Derek was last seen on Saturday October 11th around 1:30 a.m. leaving a speakeasy styled bar called The Garet. His bank account was vanquished and his apartment showed no signs of a break in. If you have any information about Derek please contact the Missing Persons Hotline of New York at 212-694-7781.

Turn ons: unavailable for comment.

Turn offs: unavailable for comment.

3.) Julian West

Motto: "Where am I?"

Favorite Hangout: Fatty Daddy Taco in Park Slope

  Julian West is a self proclaimed “old fashion guy”, he was born in the late 19th century and at a young age fell into a hypnosis induced deep sleep. He awoke 113 years later in the year 2000 and has been living here since. His time traveling is a critique of capitalism, and proposes ideas of a socialist utopia.  

Turn ons: Setting up an "industrial army" to organize production and distribution, as well as how to ensure free cultural production under such conditions.

Turn offs: Using the word "hashtag" at the end of a sentence when speaking to someone in real life. 

4.) Nukekubi

Motto: "In order to see a rainbow you have to get through the rain."

Favorite Hangout: Grimaldi's Pizzeria in DUMBO.

Nukekubi is a  heartthrob and a talented actor, you HAVE to be if you want to pass as a normal human. At night this hottie will detach his body from his head and levitate. Originally from Japan, this babe is making a name in the Brooklyn nightlife. At the end of the date, you might not get a kiss but instead hear a loud shriek right before a full set of teeth are sunk into your throat.  

Turn ons:  Someone who is willing to be attacked and eaten for food.

Turn offs: Being TOO picky.

5.) Barnard's Star 

Motto: "Ground Control To Major Tom." 

Favorite Hangout: Astronomical Map Correspondents = (BD+04°3561a)

Barnard's Star is very humble despite being a very low-mass red dwarf star about six light years away from earth in the constellation of Ophiuchus. This star is known as The Snake Holder  (Not sure, but I can imagine why, ain't that right ladies?) 

Turn ons: Being able to connect on a cosmic level.

Turn offs: Exploding and then turning into an emotional black hole.  

6.) The World’s Largest Collection of Human Nails.

Motto: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Favorite Hangout: Fountain Avenue Landfill  

  They say that "opposites attract", and what is more opposite than the world’s largest collection of human nails. All these bags contain thousands of human nails that have been cut and collected from a hospital since 1991.

Turn ons: Putting more nails in my bags.

Turn offs: Talking during a movie.  

7.) Type in the letter M into your facebook friends list and pick out the first name that pops up. 

Motto: “If you don’t try at all you fail 100% of the time.”

Favorite Hangout: Look at their previous posts and see if you can get any clues to where they were. Maybe a picture with a street sign in the background or a picture of a familiar dish. (example: a picture of a Qdoba Queso Bowl. Don’t act like you don’t know what a Qdoba Queso Bowl looks like you ungrateful shit. Maybe they went to that Qdoba by their job.) 

Sometimes meeting someone is random, arbitrarily typing in the letter M into a list of your Facebook friends is romantic like in the movies, you can even go to Kinko's and use their computers.You might meet someone there. Sometimes after I use a public computer, I will leave my Facebook or Okcupid account open hoping that a cutie will take my information and message me. When I meet them in person I act surprised about the error, little do they know, I intentionally kept my account open because I want my life to intersect with the organized chaos of love and sex and surprises.   

Turn ons: Make a mental list of the pages they have liked so you will have something to talk about next time you see them.

Turn offs: Pay attention to their posts, when they speak out against something agree with them by adding a comment. Wait a couple hours betweens comments to avoid suspicion. The long term game will pay off.   

8.) James (again)

Motto: "If my heart had a twitter account it, would be tweeting @ you all day long."

Favorite Hangout: Maison Premiere Oyster House in Williamsburg.  

Like I said, he’s really nice, do you want me to mention your name the next time I see him?  I bet if you sent him some tweets he would think it was super cute. 

9.) James (c'mon think about it.)

Motto: "If my heart had a twitter, account it would be tweeting @ you all day long."

Favorite Hangout: Maison Premiere Oyster House in Williamsburg.  

Wait what, who told you James is a sex addict? Sharon did? You’re gonna believe that gossip queen on the 3rd floor. I know secrets about her that would make you loose your appetite for months. She is just stirring up drama again Henderson got promoted.   

10.) James (no seriously, I really think you should reconsider.)

Motto: "If my heart had a twitter account, it would be tweeting @ you all day long."

Favorite hang out: Maison Premiere Oyster House in Williamsburg.  

He's a nice guy. Just meet up with him and have a drink. I think he's still at the oyster bar. I just texted him. Here grab your stuff, I will wave down a car.   

On the morning of Monday September 30, officer David Edwards beat up 36 pregnant women outside of a health clinic in Brooklyn. The incident began with one woman being stopped for use of an, “IIllegal amplification system to incite a riot.” The pregnant woman in question was actually just speaking loudly into a cell phone, saying over and over, “Can you hear me now?” in Verizon wireless commercial style speak.

While she was being questioned by the officer, a whole slew of pregnant women came to her defense. They urged the officer not to arrest her because of the misunderstanding. The women at the scene were all 3-9 months pregnant. They tried to prevent the officer from ticketing the pregnant woman because of the misunderstanding.       

Sources says that Officer David Edwards began to loose his temper.The situation escalated when Edwards began to beat up all 36 pregnant women. On lookers were horrified as officer edwards used karate, street fighting, wrestling moves, and a bunch of trash talikin' to subdue the women. All 36 of the women were charged with resisting arrest and were taken to Brooklyn’s 36th Precinct.

Around 12:15 p.m. Officer David Edwards entered a deli called Eddy’s on Halsey and Wyckoff in Brooklyn. The officer ordered a turkey and swiss sandwich and purchased a 5 dollar lottery ticket. To his surprise the ticket he bought was worth 22 million dollars.

An investigation is under way to see if Officer Edwards used excessive force with the 36 pregnant women. NYPD Commissioner William J. Bratton, said in a statement, "If the officer in question is found guilty of excessive force he may be required to leave the NYPD and be forced to live off the millions he won from the lottery."    

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THESE YOUTUBE ADS ON THE SUBWAY? 

Recently I noticed an influx of ads for Youtube on my laptop screen and on the nyc subway. These ads caught me off guard because I feel like most people know what Youtube is. So why advertise it? The Youtube ads feature 3 different Youtube personalities:

1.) Michelle Phan: Makeup Demonstrator

2.) Bethany Mota: Fashion and Makeup Advice

3.) Rosanna Pansino: Cook and Baking Enthusiast

For the most part these ads don’t bother me. However I get very annoyed by Rosanna Pansino’s videos. Her videos are part of a series called “Nerdy Nummies”, where she makes baked goods inspired by videogames, animated movies, and “nerdy” stuff in general. Her persona is that of a cute girl, i.e. high pitch voice, bobbing head back and forth, changing from cute voice to cute voice, furrowing her brow. Worst of all, saying goodbye with her finger, drives me mad. Honestly the whole act is kind of disturbing. Not a fan. This article isn’t about me hatin’ on Pansino. I just had to get that off my chest, okay I feel better.

This article is about the motive behind the Youtube advertisements. The Youtube advetisements are not selling the website to consumers. They are selling adspace to companies. Essentially, Youtube is selling the audience. The more views a video gets, the further the company’s reach. They demonstrate this by having the view counter skyrocket at the end of the ad.

I also think there is an undertone about Youtube fame aimed at content creators. People who make videos and like to vlog it out. I am not saying that desiring fame is wrong, I think it is just a by-product of living in a age of celebrity (maybe even buy-product if you’re feeling punny.) I myself have fantasized about Girl with a Big Bow hosting the Webby’s. So, the ads flirt with content creators by saying, “You too could have your face on the side of a subway! Keep making that vlog!” So now we have three players at the fixed blackjack table, Youtube supplies the platform for ads, Companies supply the money to advertise, content creators make the viral videos that supply the audience. The audience is stuck in the cross hairs. The ads on the subway are selling our attention.

After my analysis and before my final draft I left my apartment to go to work. (You know how that is, Am I right?) I boarded a train and was on my way to work. Sure enough, there were Youtube ads all over the place. My initial sense of confusion was replaced by alienation. I was staring at the ads and the ads were staring back at me. Obv, this is a probably a bigger critique of capitalism and me beefin’ with Rosanna Pansino. I would say that for the most part I was happy because I feel like I figured out what the fuck is up the Youtube ads on the subway.

Members of the Wu-Tang Clan gathered for their annual holiday party at Def Jam headquarters in New York. Sources say, all the living Wu-Tang Members were invited except for Inspectah Deck.

Method Man spoke to the Bushwick Enquirer and said, “Don’t get me wrong, I love Inspectah [Deck], but this year we thought it would be fun to cut REAL loose. Every holiday party he just follows everyone around all night. He also does this thing where he counts how many drinks you’ve had.”

One source, who has attended the holiday party in the past said,  “Inspectah Deck has a quiet demeanor. He is kind of a buzz kill, it’s like partying with a quiet aunt who is suspicious of everybody.” 

Wu-Tang member and event organizer, the RZA, said that the facebook event was kept private to prevent Deck from finding out. A mass facebook message informed attendees to keep the party a secret from Jason “Inspectah Deck” Hunter. There were even tips on how to navigate a hypothetical encounter with Deck. See below:

What to say if you run into Inspectah Deck:

Hey those are nice shoes.

I will be out of town until January, see you next year! (poke stomach.)  

Too bad the Wu-Tang holiday party got cancelled this year, budget cuts.

I have to go my girlfriend’s holiday work party, I would invite you, but ya’ know.

I have to use the bathroom, do you know where one is? Thanks. 

Staying home is really underrated, don’t you agree?

My friend died, I have to go.

Have you seen Memphis Bleek? He was asking about you the other day. 

Raekwon spoke out against the decision saying, “The plan to keep the party a secret from him was messed up. I even made artichoke dip this year. I don’t get it, Cappadonna was there, and Cappadonna was never officially in Wu-tang!”

Around the same time of the holiday party sources spotted Inspectah Deck out with rappers Freeway, and Memphis Bleek. The three artists were spotted at an Outback Steakhouse about four blocks away from Def Jam headquarters.