spinning in infinity

Day 1. Tuesday the 7th. I started the Abilify last night. No change in anything, as to be expected. Very very sad and feeling like an even bigger failure than usual, but there's also a lot of relief that I don't have to go to work and stress about fucking everything up there too. I managed to get a fair bit of stuff done today around the house. Day 2. Wednesday the 8th. I woke up with a headache today and a very sore throat, feels a bit like the start of strep. Yay? I'm very tired today in spite of sleeping well last night and I don't get as much taken care of beyond making my bed, picking up a Target order, showering for the first time in a week, running a load of laundry, and washing the cat's water fountain. Forget to eat for most of the day again. Mom had 3 beers and we had a massive fight that just reinforced that I'm a major burden on her and that her life would probably be better without me in it. We did manage to walk it back a little bit, and she promises to try and give me a little more grace about productivity, but it's going to be massively important that I not be on my computer or phone around her. I'm not actually sure what that leaves me on the days when I have no energy or feel like shit, but I have to figure it out or things will be very ugly. This sucks balls. Also, I googled and it turns out that "flu or cold like symptoms" are a common side effect for Abilify. I dunno, it feels very early for that, but what do I know. Maybe I just have a cold. Day 3. Thursday the 9th. Still with the headache and sore throat this morning, but with the added fun of a runny nose and slightly blurred vision, which is also apparently a fun side effect. I'm so tired. I fucking hate this. Energy very low, very tired all day. I manage to go to the store, start an Amazon return, do most of the dishes, wash Smudge's inhaler chamber, drop off the rent check, and pick up dinner. Mom seems to be more understanding. I fucking hate this so much. No noticeable change to mood.

Day 4. Friday the 10th. I finally remember that Dr P wants me to be keeping track of shit. Eat breakfast, pill Smudge. Woke up with a much better throat, but I now have a cough, runny nose, and the start of chest congestion along with noticeably blurred vision. My period arrives a week early, which helps to explain yesterday's extreme exhaustion. It's going to be another fucking tired as hell day today too, so I've just called Mom at work to warn her that I'm not getting shit done today between the period and the cold and the blurred vision - which, if that shit doesn't get better I'll have to 86 this drug because it's really not something I can live with long term. I think it's a good thing I did because she doesn't sound thrilled, but she is understanding. She's had a cold and knows that they suck the life out of you, whereas she's never had a new rx of a fucking antipsychotic before and has no actual understanding that her whole "head down and push though" thing doesn't work with bipolar disorder. I love her and I desperately wish that she'd been given a less fucked up kid by the dice, but she really doesn't make this shit any easier. As of 1:14 I still feel fucking awful emotionally, but I cannot think that anything else could be expected given the side effects of it all. I'm going to get the cold care box out and check for contraindications. More later if anything changes, but I think I might be asleep a lot of today if at all possible. EDIT: 3:04 - fever of 100.4. Maybe I actually just got a cold? If not, this is the worst round of side effects ever. Pretty sure this isn’t side effects, but hey, it’s also not Covid or the flu or RSV, so that’s something.

Day 1. Tuesday the 7th. I started the Abilify last night. No change in anything, as to be expected. Very very sad and feeling like an even bigger failure than usual, but there's also a lot of relief that I don't have to go to work and stress about fucking everything up there too. I managed to get a fair bit of stuff done today around the house. Day 2. Wednesday the 8th. I woke up with a headache today and a very sore throat, feels a bit like the start of strep. Yay? I'm very tired today in spite of sleeping well last night and I don't get as much taken care of beyond making my bed, picking up a Target order, showering for the first time in a week, running a load of laundry, and washing the cat's water fountain. Forget to eat for most of the day again. Mom had 3 beers and we had a massive fight that just reinforced that I'm a major burden on her and that her life would probably be better without me in it. We did manage to walk it back a little bit, and she promises to try and give me a little more grace about productivity, but it's going to be massively important that I not be on my computer or phone around her. I'm not actually sure what that leaves me on the days when I have no energy or feel like shit, but I have to figure it out or things will be very ugly. This sucks balls. Also, I googled and it turns out that "flu or cold like symptoms" are a common side effect for Abilify. I dunno, it feels very early for that, but what do I know. Maybe I just have a cold. Day 3. Thursday the 9th. Still with the headache and sore throat this morning, but with the added fun of a runny nose and slightly blurred vision, which is also apparently a fun side effect. I'm so tired. I fucking hate this. Energy very low, very tired all day. I manage to go to the store, start an Amazon return, do most of the dishes, wash Smudge's inhaler chamber, drop off the rent check, and pick up dinner. Mom seems to be more understanding. I fucking hate this so much. No noticeable change to mood.

Day 4. Friday the 10th. I finally remember that Dr P wants me to be keeping track of shit. Eat breakfast, pill Smudge. Woke up with a much better throat, but I now have a cough, runny nose, and the start of chest congestion along with noticeably blurred vision. My period arrives a week early, which helps to explain yesterday's extreme exhaustion. It's going to be another fucking tired as hell day today too, so I've just called Mom at work to warn her that I'm not getting shit done today between the period and the cold and the blurred vision - which, if that shit doesn't get better I'll have to 86 this drug because it's really not something I can live with long term. I think it's a good thing I did because she doesn't sound thrilled, but she is understanding. She's had a cold and knows that they suck the life out of you, whereas she's never had a new rx of a fucking antipsychotic before and has no actual understanding that her whole "head down and push though" thing doesn't work with bipolar disorder. I love her and I desperately wish that she'd been given a less fucked up kid by the dice, but she really doesn't make this shit any easier. As of 1:14 I still feel fucking awful emotionally, but I cannot think that anything else could be expected given the side effects of it all. I'm going to get the cold care box out and check for contraindications. More later if anything changes, but I think I might be asleep a lot of today if at all possible. EDIT: 3:04 - fever of 100.4. Maybe I actually just got a cold? If not, this is the worst round of side effects ever. Pretty sure this isn’t side effects, but hey, it’s also not Covid or the flu or RSV, so that’s something.

Day 1. Tuesday the 7th. I started the Abilify last night. No change in anything, as to be expected. Very very sad and feeling like an even bigger failure than usual, but there's also a lot of relief that I don't have to go to work and stress about fucking everything up there too. I managed to get a fair bit of stuff done today around the house. Day 2. Wednesday the 8th. I woke up with a headache today and a very sore throat, feels a bit like the start of strep. Yay? I'm very tired today in spite of sleeping well last night and I don't get as much taken care of beyond making my bed, picking up a Target order, showering for the first time in a week, running a load of laundry, and washing the cat's water fountain. Forget to eat for most of the day again. Mom had 3 beers and we had a massive fight that just reinforced that I'm a major burden on her and that her life would probably be better without me in it. We did manage to walk it back a little bit, and she promises to try and give me a little more grace about productivity, but it's going to be massively important that I not be on my computer or phone around her. I'm not actually sure what that leaves me on the days when I have no energy or feel like shit, but I have to figure it out or things will be very ugly. This sucks balls. Also, I googled and it turns out that "flu or cold like symptoms" are a common side effect for Abilify. I dunno, it feels very early for that, but what do I know. Maybe I just have a cold. Day 3. Thursday the 9th. Still with the headache and sore throat this morning, but with the added fun of a runny nose and slightly blurred vision, which is also apparently a fun side effect. I'm so tired. I fucking hate this. Energy very low, very tired all day. I manage to go to the store, start an Amazon return, do most of the dishes, wash Smudge's inhaler chamber, drop off the rent check, and pick up dinner. Mom seems to be more understanding. I fucking hate this so much. No noticeable change to mood.

Day 4. Friday the 10th. I finally remember that Dr P wants me to be keeping track of shit. Eat breakfast, pill Smudge. Woke up with a much better throat, but I now have a cough, runny nose, and the start of chest congestion along with noticeably blurred vision. My period arrives a week early, which helps to explain yesterday's extreme exhaustion. It's going to be another fucking tired as hell day today too, so I've just called Mom at work to warn her that I'm not getting shit done today between the period and the cold and the blurred vision - which, if that shit doesn't get better I'll have to 86 this drug because it's really not something I can live with long term. I think it's a good thing I did because she doesn't sound thrilled, but she is understanding. She's had a cold and knows that they suck the life out of you, whereas she's never had a new rx of a fucking antipsychotic before and has no actual understanding that her whole "head down and push though" thing doesn't work with bipolar disorder. I love her and I desperately wish that she'd been given a less fucked up kid by the dice, but she really doesn't make this shit any easier. As of 1:14 I still feel fucking awful emotionally, but I cannot think that anything else could be expected given the side effects of it all. I'm going to get the cold care box out and check for contraindications. More later if anything changes, but I think I might be asleep a lot of today if at all possible. EDIT: 3:04 - fever of 100.4. Maybe I actually just got a cold? If not, this is the worst round of side effects ever. Pretty sure this isn’t side effects, but hey, it’s also not Covid or the flu or RSV, so that’s something.

Day 1. Tuesday the 7th. I started the Abilify last night. No change in anything, as to be expected. Very very sad and feeling like an even bigger failure than usual, but there's also a lot of relief that I don't have to go to work and stress about fucking everything up there too. I managed to get a fair bit of stuff done today around the house. Day 2. Wednesday the 8th. I woke up with a headache today and a very sore throat, feels a bit like the start of strep. Yay? I'm very tired today in spite of sleeping well last night and I don't get as much taken care of beyond making my bed, picking up a Target order, showering for the first time in a week, running a load of laundry, and washing the cat's water fountain. Forget to eat for most of the day again. Mom had 3 beers and we had a massive fight that just reinforced that I'm a major burden on her and that her life would probably be better without me in it. We did manage to walk it back a little bit, and she promises to try and give me a little more grace about productivity, but it's going to be massively important that I not be on my computer or phone around her. I'm not actually sure what that leaves me on the days when I have no energy or feel like shit, but I have to figure it out or things will be very ugly. This sucks balls. Also, I googled and it turns out that "flu or cold like symptoms" are a common side effect for Abilify. I dunno, it feels very early for that, but what do I know. Maybe I just have a cold. Day 3. Thursday the 9th. Still with the headache and sore throat this morning, but with the added fun of a runny nose and slightly blurred vision, which is also apparently a fun side effect. I'm so tired. I fucking hate this. Energy very low, very tired all day. I manage to go to the store, start an Amazon return, do most of the dishes, wash Smudge's inhaler chamber, drop off the rent check, and pick up dinner. Mom seems to be more understanding. I fucking hate this so much. No noticeable change to mood.

Day 4. Friday the 10th. I finally remember that Dr P wants me to be keeping track of shit. Eat breakfast, pill Smudge. Woke up with a much better throat, but I now have a cough, runny nose, and the start of chest congestion along with noticeably blurred vision. My period arrives a week early, which helps to explain yesterday's extreme exhaustion. It's going to be another fucking tired as hell day today too, so I've just called Mom at work to warn her that I'm not getting shit done today between the period and the cold and the blurred vision - which, if that shit doesn't get better I'll have to 86 this drug because it's really not something I can live with long term. I think it's a good thing I did because she doesn't sound thrilled, but she is understanding. She's had a cold and knows that they suck the life out of you, whereas she's never had a new rx of a fucking antipsychotic before and has no actual understanding that her whole "head down and push though" thing doesn't work with bipolar disorder. I love her and I desperately wish that she'd been given a less fucked up kid by the dice, but she really doesn't make this shit any easier. As of 1:14 I still feel fucking awful emotionally, but I cannot think that anything else could be expected given the side effects of it all. I'm going to get the cold care box out and check for contraindications. More later if anything changes, but I think I might be asleep a lot of today if at all possible. EDIT: 3:04 - fever of 100.4. Maybe I actually just got a cold? If not, this is the worst round of side effects ever. Pretty sure this isn’t side effects, but hey, it’s also not Covid or the flu or RSV, so that’s something.