The Illogical Rantings of Bunny Lafee

I've been feeling invisible lately, right now especially. I feel like all I'm good for is sexual stuff. Like no one wants me for me. For my charming self. Like I get it, I need to make my partner feel wanted and happy by giving them sexual attention but it feels one sided. I feel like I don't get anything out of it. Like yay, I made someone feel good and all that but now I feel awkward and slightly used. I have so many hang ups about sex and sexual stuff that I get stuck inside my head.

When I was dating my ex I had entered what I would refer to my slutty era. I dressed for her gaze and others. I tried to be provocative when dressing, to wear skimpy clothes or styling.

I miss the way she made me feel, she made me feel powerful, sexy and strong.

I just feel weak now. I feel uncomfortable in my own body due to the weight gain. It's slow going in losing it. I should be more strict with it.

A few months back I had an ex employee find this but more importantly he found my OF. Which is fine, no shame but he was DMing me and asking for some VERY personal things. He asked me to do some things that made me feel uncomfortable and alluded to my blog here about things I talked about, making me feel like I had lost my safe space here.

It made me cautious of what I could post anywhere because it felt like I had no space that was mine to be .. me. Like I had snapchat on certain stories but I didn't have anywhere to write out my feelings like I do here.

Did goth style makeup for fun the other day.

Just preparing for my incoming birthday.

Sometimes. I'm a vibe.

Went to a gothic themed bar recently. It was fun. Got dressed up.

Don't get me wrong now but you've never left my mind, heart, soul. You are always a tiny thought in a turbulent sea of thoughts and life. I don't know sometimes how I'm surviving without you. Without talking to you, without your love.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if you were still in it. Would you have seen me at my worse, my best? My heart aches for you sometimes more than others. I long for a hug from you, just one last time. To talk to you all night or hear your laugh just one last time.

Fresh haircut, who dis?

It's been a weird few weeks. I got a job back in my career, it's an interesting place. I kinda like it. It's fun.

Weird interaction with a few people, some of them were kinda rude too. Talking about me and using what I write on here against me. Just rude.

I know this is a public space and I use it for me, not anyone else.

I've been ok lately, frustrated if anything.