SeamSTRESS

I cried middle of my workout and just wanted to throw my barbell down and walk away. Barbell snatches were one of the first movements I had learned and felt comfortable with but today they made me feel like I had made no progress. I had to do snatches on the training bar instead of a “normal” bar like the rest of class. I didn’t even do all the movements and lost track of what I was suppose to do while I was crying and putting myself down. 

After I talked to the coach I felt better.  My shoulders  were already hurting before we started and the coach told me to look at all that I did yesterday: 300 jump ropes, 150 Wallballs, 30 dumbbell snatches on each arm, 1k meter run, 1k meter row, 500 meter ski... that’s a lot. So now I want to be throwing around 50lbs+? My body doesn’t agree.  Rest days are important. Also light days are important. So it is important to ask yourself beforehand, not if you can do it but if you should do it. Going lighter doesn’t diminish progress made and or the effectiveness of the workout. 

Might not mean much to other people but means that world to me. I can’t see progress in myself and to have numbers in front of me to show me I have improved is a big deal. 

Trying to Recover A little background:  I have been overweight my whole life it feels like. In college, it was my goal to work out and not be another victim of the “Freshman Fifteen”. With a gym down the hall, I had little excuse to not go and started working out. It was just walking on the treadmill to start but it was a start. I wanted to run from my problems but with childhood asthma, it was a slow walk away from them instead and with the assistance of Netflix or a book to keep me entertained I pushed on. I hated it so much and loved it at the same time. I had workout buddies but no one ever stuck around. The time it took and the amount patience I had did not mix well but I love the feeling of getting sweaty and sore. It felt like I did something good. The numbers on the scale were the enemy I faced every day but by the end college I went from 230lbs to 180lbs. Sounds great on paper, doesn’t it? 50lbs lost. Apoximently three dress size down. People noticed but the only person I wanted to notice the change was myself. I would look in the mirror and see that old version of myself, sometimes even bigger. I saw how little my body improved. 

Food is another enemy. I eat when I get bored, procrastinate, am stressed, sad or to punish myself. I hate food. I never choose the right food and just see eating as another way that I am failing myself. I try to wait till certain times to eat and when I can’t hold out I get down on myself and overdo it. If I manage to avoid food all day then I binge at night. I don’t enjoy my food. The process of eating is one I just want to get over with or will eat in the car so it doesn’t take time from my day (not that I do anything important). I eat too much too quickly and then feel sick after. It became an addiction to purge as if that would make me feel better. People would never know something was wrong or what I was doing because I was fat. “How could a fat girl have bulimia or anorexia, that's for skinny people?” I use to envy the people that could eat nothing or everything and look like “perfect”. 

Now I work my ass off. I still have a lot of work to do but I am trying. Food is still the enemy but I am trying to conquer it. It is a daily struggle but that is what therapy is for. I work out almost every day when I am not traveling for work. I still make excuses for some nights I don’t do something active but I am trying to let myself learn that that is OK. I took the advice of my coach to not count calories and focus on eating when hungry and eating nutritious food. Small improvements every day. I let myself hold onto a lot of small stress factors and let them pile but food shouldn’t be one of them. 

That photos are from March 20th to help me see the progress I have made over time. It will take some time to work up the courage to do another set but hopefully I will finally be able to see the progress I have made.