Buckley's Sims

My amazing grandmother died this past Thursday. She meant more to me than anyone else in the world, aside from my mom and sister. She was truly the woman I aspire to become. She'd been sick for a while now, so her passing was not wholly unexpected, but it feels like my north star just burnt out. I've spent my entire life trying to make her proud, and I feel lost, completely lost, knowing she's gone.

(Side note: I'm posting this here because I don't have any other social media accounts, and I feel this overwhelming need to scream into the void about what an incredible person she was. And also because I can't stop crying today, and I thought it might help. This community has always been kind to me, and I could use a bit of that right now.)

My uncle wrote the following passage about her. It's a bit long, but it touches on a few of the reasons why I loved and admired her so very much. (For example, I never knew until reading this that she was the first woman commissioned in the Indiana Air National Guard as a nurse lieutenant, nor did I realize that she worked with polio patients and provided early healthcare during the AIDS epidemic. Even after her death, she's still finding ways to inspire me.)

Hey, anon. I apologize for the lack of posts lately, but thank you very much for your concern. It means a lot to me. ♥

I'm assuming you want to know what happened to my office fling? If not, the TL;DR reply is that I'm working through some personal frustrations right now, but overall I'm fine.

The long version: Back in March, I told "Joe" that I didn't want a relationship with him, and he acquiesced. Joe ended up getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, who is now his fiancée, a decision which I wholeheartedly supported at the time. Nevertheless, over the past two months he and I have become close friends. We talk pretty much every day, and I see him regularly at work during lunch breaks and whenever one of us pops down the hall to say hi or whatever. I also started dating around a bit, and he's been super supportive, giving me advice and encouragement and a friendly ear to commiserate with. It is really nice.

Except... I've caught feelings for him. And I think he may have too.

To give you all some background, his fiancée is a nightmare. A serial cheater, manipulative, emotionally stunted, controlling, jealous, etc. She treats him terribly. Not that Joe is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I've told him to do better on numerous occasions. However, his issues pale in comparison to the shit that she puts him through every damn week. But he loves her. He clearly, desperately loves her, and in spite of my feelings for him I would never do anything to jeopardize their relationship. I walk a fine line trying to support him without enabling her, but I do my best to be a friend to him and not take sides or get too involved in their drama.

But then last Friday he kissed me.

I was standing by the door to his office getting ready to leave when I mentioned that I had a date later that night with this one guy I've been seeing who can't kiss. Our nickname for him is "Frog Boy", just to give you all some idea. Joe got irritated and started lecturing me about how I am leading this man on since I don't want a long-term relationship with him and that he is going to get attached if I'm not careful and yada yada yada. To ease the tension, I made some stupid remark like I needed to learn how NOT to kiss and that it's a skill best gained from experience. Joe leaned in and whispered that I should learn from experience, the right experience, and then he backed me up against the door and kissed me ragged.

Hello, anon. :) I apologize for the delayed reply, but I needed some time to think about your message before responding.

First and most importantly, I want to thank you from the bottom of my shriveled, cynical heart for your encouragement and support. I dearly appreciate it, and I can't even begin to tell you how honored and touched I am to have received such a kind note. The fact that anyone even bothers to read about my ridiculous, insignificant little problems amazes me, but the fact that I have supporters out there who care enough to reach out and offer advice? It is an act of friendship and compassion that I will never forget.

But back to the matter at hand. You are correct in all your facts, and your conclusion was incredibly heartening to read. It's true that I was not physically harmed by this man, and his attention has helped me come out of my shell and gain some life experience. I enjoyed myself (especially the kissing, lol), and most significantly I realized that my inevitable and eternal spinsterhood does not necessarily have to be inevitable or eternal after all. I tend to be a glass-half-empty sort of person, and you've given me a much needed dose of optimism.

However, I cannot fault anyone for their judgement of me or their characterization of the situation that I got myself into. I was a fool to like this guy, and I should have seen who he was from the start. I have always been a bit naïve, a bit gullible, a bit ditzy, a bit too trusting, and I need blunt language and straight talk to prevent me from making the worst mistakes. See "Personal Post Ahead" for a prime example of what happens otherwise. I understand and appreciate your concerns, truly I do, and I feel like you've made some excellent points here. It's just that, honestly, I probably need to judged. Heck, I probably deserve a lot more of it than I have received so far.

Scalp Hair Makeup

I made too many, and now I can’t decide which of these to finish and upload. I need help. (In more ways than one. XD)

Please have all the puppies because this is the sweetest message and you deserve them. ;-;

I know you're right about him, kind anon, but the way he looks at me and touches me, holds me, kisses me... I just lose myself. I suppose I will simply have to avoid him from now on as I (obviously) cannot be trusted to respect myself when he's nearby.

Regardless, thank you so, so much for your encouragement and support. I realize that you're probably sitting there shaking your head at me right now and telling yourself that it's hopeless and I'm a lost cause, but I promise you that's not the case. I will get him out of my head. I must get him out of my head. I plan to keep your ask and look at it every time I begin to doubt my decision to stop seeing him or question my worth or worry about the impossibly slim chances of finding somebody else. Your message is a much needed reminder that I deserve better, and I wholeheartedly appreciate the fact that you cared enough to send it to me.

I made out with him. It was the sexiest, most out of character thing I have ever done in my entire life. He lifted me onto the desk in his office and kissed me the way every woman deserves to be kissed. And I’m ashamed to admit that we probably would have done much, much more if I wasn’t such a coward.

But let me start over. I need to clarify a couple of things before I tell you guys about what a fucking disaster I am.

On Wednesday, he and I were scrolling through his phone looking at pictures of his dogs when a very beautiful, very naked woman appeared on the screen. He laughed and told me that she was just some model he likes. It didn’t bother me; I believed him, and we ended up having a really nice time together.

Later that afternoon, however, I let it get into my head. So I texted him to ask about her. Again he reassured me that he’d never met the woman, and he teased me for being intimidated by a porn star. But really, who wouldn’t be? I tried to brush off my embarrassment by saying something along the lines of, “Well, I never outright asked you if you're single, so I just wanted to be sure.”

He paused.

Then he admitted that he’d started talking to his ex again and they’re going out for lunch on Friday. He also insisted that he was going to tell me about it before anything more happened between the two of us.

I replied that I thought he should get back together with her. “There’s obviously some real history there, and you and I just met. I don’t want to get in the way.” He proceeded to make a joke about threesomes and how much this other woman would “like” me, and at that point I kind of lost my temper. I told him in no uncertain terms that he should definitely reconcile with his (ex) girlfriend as she is obviously a much more generous and giving person than I am because I would never consider sharing my boyfriend with another woman like that.

Later that night, he announced that we couldn’t talk/text anymore starting the day that his (ex) girlfriend gets back to town. I was confused and hurt and probably a bit defensive, and he reacted by boasting that he’d taken my advice and it was thanks to my encouragement that the two of them might still have a chance.

I should note, to his credit, that by this point on Wednesday he’d already offered to take me out to dinner three times, and I’d refused them all. (On Saturday, I was too nervous about us being caught by my boss (which is a whole other story). On Tuesday, he had prior obligations until late in the evening, and I couldn’t wait that long. On Wednesday, I was too upset to go out with him.) So yeah, he was more than a little frustrated with me.

Anyway, that brings me up to Thursday.

When we made out. And more.

I know it was wrong. Believe me, I do. But here’s what happened. He greeted me in the lobby that morning, and I snapped at him. I said something about how I was hoping I wouldn’t be forced to see his face today. (It was an awful thing to say. I know, I know. As irritated as I was, he was trying to be sweet by waiting to walk me to my office.) He chuckled and said something about how much he likes feisty girls early in the morning. I don’t remember his exact remark now, but that’s close enough.

Moving on. I felt guilty that I’d been so rude to him. The night before, he’d told me that we could still be acquaintance-y friends, and I’d agreed that we should try. My jab was anything but friendly.

So I went to his office late that afternoon to apologize. He was leaving for the gym and wearing one of those loose sleeveless shirts that showed off his muscular arms and sexy tattoos. I should have taken one look at him and walked the other way. But I didn’t, and one thing led to another. And within minutes I found myself sprawled beneath him on his desk with my legs wrapped around his waist.

Of course, me being me, I panicked when he tried to take it a step further. I shoved him off of me, jumped down from the table, fled out the door and ran straight back to my office. A short while later he texted me and asked me to come over to his place for dinner. (He also told me that I could pack a bag and stay the night if I wanted to. I think he was kidding, but still. *eye roll*) Once again, I refused.

I didn’t see him at all today. I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon attempting to convince myself that I was fine with how things ended and happy that I didn’t have to interact with him anymore now that his (ex) girlfriend is back in town. I tried everything I could to stop thinking about him, and by four o’clock this afternoon my mind was finally, for the most part, elsewhere.

But then...

He came to my office. I know it was him because we were joking around earlier this week, and he created a special tapping “code” that he claimed he was going to use when he walked by my door and wanted to say hi without my boss knowing about it.

Tap. Tap. Slide. Slide. Tap.

He did it twice, a couple of minutes apart. I pretended not to hear, and by the time I left this afternoon he was already gone.

But at least I don’t hate myself. It was going really well with the hot guy in my building until today. He told me that his ex girlfriend is coming back to town this weekend, and I encouraged him to get back together with her. I figured they have a history, and he and I just met. I can’t compete with that. I guess that was the wrong reaction, though, because now he’s saying that we can’t talk at all starting Friday (the day she returns). Also, he asked me twice to spend the night with him before/while this happened, and I turned him down both times. Gently, or so I thought, but regardless he’s decided that my refusal to sleep with him coupled with the fact that I don’t want to fight (a losing battle) for him means I don’t care and we can’t be even friends anymore. :(

I have been in this community since 2013, and in that time I’ve shared a lot of private stuff with you guys. My parent’s separation and divorce, my sister’s neglect of our mother and the divide it caused between the two of us, our subsequent reconciliation and the renewal of our friendship, the sudden death of my best (dog) friend, my father’s marriage to a woman who hates me, my struggle to deal with the birth of their daughter, etc. But I’ve never talked to anyone about this, and I need some advice.

Please do not read below if you are triggered by the discussion of sexual assault. It’s not graphic or explicit or anything like that, but I would hate to upset someone. Also, I kindly request that if you want to reply please avoid guilting, shaming, or lecturing me. I do enough of that all by myself. Thank you.

I'm afraid to ask this, but which romance novel? :P

I went to his office again. It sits just down the hall from the building’s mailroom, so I had a good excuse to drop by. I knocked. He answered. It was late on Friday afternoon, and I found him alone. I entered into his company’s reception area, and he closed the door behind me. It was dark, with just the light from his office at the back illuminating the room.

I don’t remember what we discussed. He was standing so close to me, and with every exchange he seemed to draw nearer. Despite the shadowy lighting, I could clearly make out the intensity in his vivid blue eyes. (Have I mentioned before how much I like this man’s eyes?)

It was time to leave. I’d already stayed too long, and I needed to get back to my desk. I think he asked me for another goodbye hug. Or maybe he didn’t ask. It’s a bit fuzzy. Either way, I found myself wrapped in his arms with his lips centimeters from mine. He leaned in, and...

I backed away. Again.

He got upset. He told me that I confuse him. I replied that I like him, but he makes me nervous. I could tell that it was the wrong thing to say because he lurched backwards and declared that I was free to leave at any point. Something about how he’s never prevented me from having an escape. I guess he mistook “nervous” as “threatened”.

I walked up to him and put my hand on his arm. “I like you. I really, really like you. But I’m scared.”

He didn’t seem at all convinced, but just as I was turning to go he grabbed my face and without any hesitation he kissed me.

Just like that. And once his lips were on mine, I didn’t feel scared anymore.

But then he pulled away. He told me that I was shaking. I didn’t realize it in the heat of the moment, but I do shake sometimes when I get emotional. He looked equal parts angry, dejected, and annoyed, and I knew that there was nothing I could say to change his mind this time. He was done.

So I took a deep breath, and I reached up and... I kissed him.