hobgoblin

Recently, my sister asked me to fill out an interview for her project, and I have decided to include my answers to those questions here.

1.  Please tell me a little bit about yourself and your life. Who do you believe you are? What are the major milestones you’ve experienced that have brought you to where you are and who you are today?

I am 22 years old, a recent college graduate, a teacher, a woman, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a creative person. I believe I am a good person, yet I am flawed which sets me back from the goodness I want to achieve in my lifetime. I take on various roles in my life, but the overarching goal in all of them is to support and guide others. However, my flaws are that I am ambitious, proud, and overly emotional myself.

There are a few major milestones that have pushed me into who I am today as a woman, many of which are unfortunate milestones that have forced me into a position of independence. For the formative years of my childhood, I grew up with separated parents, one of whom was an addict. Growing up with an abusive addict for a parent is difficult, but it teaches you skills such as learning how to read emotions and being in tune with others, but on the other hand, it leaves you without a model for how to control your own reactions and emotions. One of the hardest things was being separated from my mother at a young age, and then after years of no contact, she died from a drug overdose. Shortly after this occurred, my father, who had acted as a constant in my life, moved out of our home state and I stayed for college. This was extremely uprooting and taught me about independence. Even though this period of time in my life was like a whirlwind, I learned a lot about myself, such as that I value my independence, but I need certain supports in order to be successful. In knowing this, I aim to be the supports for others, since I wish that I had those supports throughout my life, instead of putting all my eggs in one basket and them sinking at the removal of them.

2.  What are the most meaningful experiences you can recall from your life? What experiences do you believe life should provide you?

The most meaningful experiences that I can recall from my life are those in which I have spent with the people who matter most to me. In more recent memory, I was able to go to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania with my boyfriend and all we did was walk around and look at plants, but it was some of the most meaningful experiences that I had that whole summer. Many of my favorite moments are spending quality time with my boyfriend, my siblings, my parents, and my friends. I also find joy in being recognized for my accomplishments such as when I got nominated for an award for my writing, when I published a story in an anthology with my university, or when I can share my skills with my classmates and offer edits and help with their writing or other creative projects.

I believe life should offer experiences that fulfill our need for connection and success in different ways. Connection with others is one of the most fulfilling experiences that life can offer, and I measure success in terms of happiness. While many view financial freedom as success (and that is valuable too), I find that life is more fun when you are chasing new experiences with the people you love, even if that means something as simple as walking around a garden.

3.  When do you feel truly happy? What do you believe happiness really is?

Happiness is not always an achievable goal for some people, especially those who believe that they can never have enough of it. This comes into play when people use substances or become addicts to sex, gambling, porn, or other things that create temporary happiness. I believe that true happiness is more in line with being content than anything else. In short, when you don’t want for things. I believe this because I have experience with addiction in my family, and this influences my viewpoint. When you don't want for things, this enables you to focus on the present and the current experiences you are having and build memories, which then will feed into further happiness and prevent unhappiness by equipping you with experiences to call back upon in times of need.

4.  What does your soul/true self want? Are you living a life that is aligned with that/those desire(s)?

I believe my true soul wants to feel needed. Selfishly, I want to feel like the people that I love need me and want me around. I also think that my soul yearns to be heard, and I believe that every person wants to be heard and accepted despite their shortcomings. I struggle to feel connection and love (I think because of my upbringing) and oftentimes will push people away in fear that my vulnerability is a turn-off. I think this is why my goal is to be someone who can support and guide others, since I often lack that same support and guidance, and see that many people are reaching out for it.

I am not living a life that is aligned with these values at the moment. I am kind of taking a backseat from what I want to be doing career-wise which would support my desire to help and listen to others, because I think that I need to be ready to listen before I take on such a monumental task. At this point in time, I am not ready to listen because I fear that I have so much to say that it clouds my judgement, my thoughts, and lessens my ability to support others since I am so stuck in my own head.

5.  What kind of impact do you want to have on the world? What legacy do you want to leave behind when you die?

I want to make other people happy. I think of my Grandma who passed away, and how she was so full of love for her family and wish my impact on this world could be something similar. I know that my impact radius will most likely be small, but as a teacher, I want to be able to inspire students to value others, rather than have an individualistic mindset. I think the people we often love the most are less individualistic, and more geared towards supporting the group, whether that be a family, a community, or even a classroom.

When I die, I don't want people to be sad, but rather I want them to be inspired to support others in my honor. I think about when I have grandchildren, how I would want them to remember me as someone who was helpful, loving, and wise. You cannot be wise unless you have knowledge of yourself and others.

6.  Will you share a hardship you’ve experienced in your life? Do you believe this hardship was associated with a culture you identify with? Why or why not?

A hardship that I have experienced in my life is the loss of my addict mother, and the removal of my father from my immediate support system due to a cross-country relocation. This is not a part of my culture or identity, my addict mother came from a wealthy background, she simply had a disease that unfortunately she could not be cured from. My dad moving away has nothing to do with my culture, just financial strain, and the need for a life change.

7.  If you looked back at a photo of yourself as a child, do you still identify with that person and those dreams? Please explain your response.

When I look at myself as a child, I see the changes that have occurred throughout my life and no longer identify with that person today. I think that my life experience has influenced my morals and values so deeply, that even the roots system that they are founded on is profoundly different from when I was a child. There are a few similarities that remain steadfast, including my need to be creative, my bubbly personality, and my sensitivity, but the dreams that I had when I was a kid are well and truly gone. When I was little, I wanted to be different than everyone else, I wanted to stand out. Now, all I want is to be a part of the group. In fact, I think I need to be a part of the group to feel good about myself or be successful.

8.  What does “living the good life” mean to you?

Words burn into my tongue,

Branding my fate.

Blood oozes and stains my lips.

Red lips frowning, they see me?

"Open your mouth!" they shout.

I cannot hide the branding or the blood,

Cinnamon Coffee, Pork Roll Egg and Cheese.

Those who call you dad bound down like hounds,

Pups in their pajamas, cartoons and cuddles with Mama.

Green turning its fresh face towards orange,

The littered leaves laminate the bottom of our boots.

Small hands held by larger fingers they know so well.

We speak to each other with love, for we have created

Small trusting smiles, filled with gaps the tooth fairy paid.

There are many times in which I wish that I was brave enough to type something out, read it once over, and click submit. However, my process of writing is a bit more complicated than that. In the world of authors there are those who write everything out all at once, see where their brain takes them and then follow the thought to completion. Think of the Neil Gaiman's or Stephen King's. Then there are others who delicately craft sentences one syllable at a time, ensuring that even the punctuation serves a valiant purpose. Think of the William Shakespeare's and George R. R. Martin's. Not only do these authors manage to create work that revolves around an imaginative and attention-grabbing plot, but the characters and dialogue aid in the delivery of theme, symbolism, and on the whole create what is formally known as "literature."

When I am feeling particularly blue it is extremely difficult for me to create such things that hold the weight and integrity of "literature." But, I often feel as though, if I were able to articulate my stories and find the right words to express the deep emotions that I feel, it might be something worth reading. Then I fight back with myself and say, "Writing should not be performative, emotions are not currency." However, if I truly felt this way I would not be posting my writings to a public platform for strangers to read. But then again, I am anonymous and no one in my real life even knows that I have this secret blog. And on and on the internal monologue continues.

Vision Boards are a bit of a foreign concept to me, however I thought Id give it a stab. Identity has always been something that I have struggled with, and I want title this board, “Baby Steps” Of course the foundation of the person I am now is not a terrible starting place, but I still feel like I am a kid, and not the woman that I appear to be to others. It’s silly, but I want to be someone who I can be proud of. Just to be clear, this board does not reflect who I am now, but rather who I would like to become. 

The Goals: 

1. Freedom from Guilt (stop feeling like you owe people yourself or your time) 

2. Travel and Experience (Alone and with Others) 

3. Work Hard, Play Harder: Enjoy Life, Don’t Dread it. 

4. Be Health Conscious: Mostly Mentally 

5. Create, Love, and Create some more. 

Musical Theatre was my very first love. A wise man once said to me, “you don’t do theatre because you want to, you do it because you have to.” And nothing has made my heart quite so heavy. I stopped performing three years ago, and I miss it every single day. Singing is my absolute favorite thing to do. 

But why do we fall in love with art? Some fall in love with the action of doing. Painting, singing, dancing, the -ings are what becomes the driving force of passion and expression. However, there are those who prefer consumption of art and find complete expression and release through the artists work. Does this make those who consume art less than the artists? Or is there an art in viewing as well? 

When people are viewing a painting they often pull from many different parts of the work to form an opinion or conclusion: the history of the painter, the medium, the geometry, the colors, its standing within the time period or genre, and even the feelings that the execution of the painting stir up for the viewer (plus more I am sure I have not mentioned). This is an entirely different set of skills than the painter, and yet it allows them to create an entirely independent thought than what the artist had originally intended. This, in my opinion, is just as profound and impressive as the painting itself. There is an art in consuming art, and there are many ways in which people become skilled artists through everyday life, which is not only wildly impressive, but offers an insight into the human condition. We seek out artists in films, fanart, books, tiktok, youtube, museums, and especially music. 

My professor said something very insightful yesterday about living within time. We as human beings are not able to know what the future is, but we make choices within the present that will effect this future in an unknown way. So how does a human being find the courage to effect their own future? It is bizarre and fascinating how we have come to normalize this idea within society to be living within the present, but always turning the focus to the future. The ancient peoples of Greece and Egypt turned their focus to the afterlife by forming physical architecture to represent their dedication to this unknown future beyond the great barrier of death. As Americans, there is always talk of the future generations and how they will look upon us or be affected by the decisions that are made in the present. Even on a personal level, teenagers are meant to make life altering decisions at the age of 17-18 years old with having no previous decision-making experience. And here we sit locked inside the confines of time, yet peering into the future. Something to always come before (informing the decision), something always to come during (the decision itself), and then something to follow (the consequence). 

There is an opinion that people are so obsessed with the idea of the future because it is unknown. There are ways to effect the future through choices made in the present, but in reality, we will never know how things will turn out (There is a book called “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig that I recommend to those who are interested in this idea). However, I call upon Oedipus the King when I discuss this next point. There is also the idea that human beings actually have no free will at all, and all choices are merely illusions orchestrated by some higher power.

If you are not familiar with Oedipus, I will summarize briefly the important bits you need to know in order to grasp the next point. Oedipus was known as being a very wise man who solved the Riddle of the Sphynx making him a hero to the kingdom. He was only in the kingdom because a prophecy told him that he would grow up to murder his father and sleep with his mother, so he left his family behind and found great fortune in Thebes, becoming King after his heroism. He married the Queen and fathered four children during the 20 years he was King, but there was a great plague over the kingdom which he was determined to remedy. Many soothsayers and prophecies later he found himself upon a great and horrible revelation. In a great twist of fates, it turns out that who he thought were his real parents were actually his adopted parents, and his biological parents were actually the King and Queen of Thebes. He had murdered the King on his way to Thebes all those years ago, and had since been sleeping with the Queen, his own mother. Theres more to it, but these are the important bits for my purposes. 

Once a great King, he is now known as the man who could not escape his fate and is synonymous with Sigmund Freud’s theory about all men wanting to have sex with their mothers (disgusting really). Obviously Oedipus is a fictional character, but my point is this: We are not obsessed with the future because it is unknown, we are obsessed with the future because we want to impact it. What if we made all these decisions and went through all this stress of life only to find out that everything was actually planned for us already? This is the tragedy of Oedipus in my mind. The idea that within the confines of time we truly have no say in our fate, since no matter what choice is made the outcome will remain the same. And we would know no differently. Yes, the future might be unknown, but what if it also has been decided for us by some higher power, and the experience of being human, and making choices, and creating a meaningful life is undermined by a lack of free will. This is why the future is scary in my mind, because hypothetically no matter what I do or how much I learn things have already been decided by someone who is not me. 

What does it even mean to have “clout” or go “viral” in an age where everyone we know has an internet profile that exposes their inner most secrets to the world. Between all the platforms supposedly “stealing” data, the worst ones are the ones we pour our souls into for free. These companies see and prey on our weaknesses in order to reward us with advertisements or likes, or follows. Sometimes they are from friends, sometimes they are from strangers, and sometimes they are from no one at all. How can one find fulfillment in an age where interaction is not only falsified, but used as currency. That is why I debate whether or not I should add “tags” or photos to these little thought bubbles. Should this writing be used as “content” to entertain? Does this writing have meaning or value that I feel needs to be shared with the world? How self-important am I to decide if my contributions should be viewed as valuable or entertaining? 

On a greater scale, how do we form identity in an age where we get to choose exactly how we want to be perceived by perfect strangers? What does it mean to be a human when we can curate our image through angles, filters, photoshop, and a careful choice of words. How can reality be altered to reflect a certain agenda, and why do we fall for it? Not only this, but we have more access to each other than ever before, which is just as beautiful as it is harmful. People are witnessing the plethoras of people that exist, and just how truly unique we are. But we are also witnessing our sameness. How alike humanity is, and always has been. We weep, we yell, we smile, we laugh at all the same things we always have. 

Some might say we are worse off due to social media, and there are a variety of reasons: faltering identity, comparisons to falsehoods, and the permanence of our missteps (this deserves its own thought bubble). However, there are many ways in which we are better. We are more conscious of others, we see the love and hate in the world every day and must continue to grow forward and upward. We are resilient. We have exposure to others, and many learn that their flaws and differences are in fact valuable. We are connected. We are informed. However, people also learn to appreciate life outside of the internet much more, considering how demanding these social medias are on our psyche. 

Many times, I think to myself about dreams versus reality. Dreaming being the ideal that you work towards, Reality being the obstacles you face. Through the obstacles the Dream acts as a raft to keep yourself afloat during stormy times. Sometimes the rain beats down a little harder, the thunder gets a little louder, and the raft begins to slip from your grasp as you fall away into the ocean. I know people who have rafts that are made so buoyant that they are able to sit or stand upon them and paddle them with oars. I know some who’s rafts have now become boats, and some who are busy building ships with sails. Everyone’s raft is different, everyone’s storm carries different challenges. 

The lucky ones are those who no longer need a raft to keep afloat. They are able to hop on board with someone else, or float along carelessly in the sea. There are those who are content to walk on water, for their storms are mere sun-showers. But not me.