Better Than Fine

I can stick out my shoulder blades way out and my mother used to say i was an angel whos wings were cut off

Why should my worth be measured by other people and how i look, is it now that i get the occasional compliment that i am finally beautiful? That im worth hitting on? Am i worth making uncomfortable now? Do i deserve to feel feminine and is it even worth it. I learn all new techniques, since i was a kid. i know how to paint and shade and im good at it and i calculate the cost of my beauty and how far im willing to go, im terrified of needles. I was young and i always felt beautiful and i cant remember what changed. If it was the influence of media at a young age, of course it was. Was it my childhood friends and bullies measuring our waists. Was it the only thing connecting me to what could have been if it wasn’t for a scoop? I dont know what it was but i know that it will never change until i endlessly feed into their pockets till i could ever dream of being deemed beautiful

Im hard to love

Everything feels far away and this silence is terrifying

Im a victim to my own mind

Your teeth always leave bruises on my thigh

Im not worthy of any kind of love i never willbe i want to be happy but im so fucking sick and im sorry

I wanna go to the creek and shoot myself in the head

Am i finally worthy of feeling beautiful or will i ever

I hate myself so bad wanna die ill never be comfortable in this body and mind for as long as im alive

I want you to care enough to hate

I wamt you to be mean to me

AHHHH GET IT OFF ME AHHHH AREEHGHHHHHH AHHHHH GET IT OFFF AH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF AHHHHHH

what the fuck do i even have to be upset about