inside the mind of a writer

First round of #taxol #chemosucks #chemo round 5 #cancerstrong #cancersurvivor #cancer2020 #cancerwarrior #tpnbreastcancer #triplenegativebreastcancer #breadtcancerawareness #youngcancer #cancerunder40 #triplenegative (at Siteman Cancer Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIY9m9qjJTv/?igshid=jatzxtdi8ynw

As I got up this morning and put the turkey in the oven I was forced to remember this time last year. Remembering how everything tastes, remembering that I can't taste a lot this year, and remembering how very different I felt and looked last year. I may have cried. A lot. Several times. But. I also have said thank you. Over and over. I thanked God this morning for my life, my sister's and also everyone else's. I thanked God for being well enough to bake a turkey. I give thanks for all of my brothers and sisters who have supported me on this Journey. But I want to say something to all of you, as I know this year looks different for so many of you. I stand with you. I support you , I am here for all of you that need it. This is not the end of us. This is only the sharp beginning. Every crack is how all the light gets in. We just have to let it. There may not be another year like we are used to for awhile. I promise you what we do with our time now, will matter for years to come. You may not get to see everyone you love, but we are doing something great. We are starting our country and our lives over. We are standing for what we believe in, while staying safe.we are loving everyone from a distance. We are making dinners for the first time in our own. Stealing our grandma's recipes and laughing over video chats as we attempt and fail new things. We are spending more time with our intimate families and saying hello to new traditions. As I face this new year and these holidays with a different perspective and a different edge than I had last year, I thank every single one of you for joining me on the Journey and supporting me a long the way. I love you all and wish you all the very best happiest Thanksgiving!! 😚☺️🕊️♥️🙌🙏🙌🙏☺️☺️ #cancersucks #cancerjourney #cancerstrong #triplenegativebreastcancer #triplenegative #trauma #traumarecovery #thisisnottheend #thejourney #thejourneynotthedestination #thesmallthings #breastcancerawareness #breastcancersurvivor #safetynotguaranteed #selflovejourney #selflove #survivor2020 #survivor (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIDlWlZjRUj/?igshid=dhbyv1ofjylv

#feelinggood #cancergirl #tpnbreastcancer #breastcancerawareness #breastcancersurvivor #traumarecovery #trauma #sisterday #twins #beatfriend #iwillnotgiveup #iwillnotlose (at Bridgeton, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CICLKBxDUT1/?igshid=1oucilicxfhfm

#strength #lifewillmakeyoustrong #happjness ##cancersucks #cancergirl #cancerstrong #cancer2020 #undefeated #bekind #chemowarrior #chemosucks #traumasurvivor #cancersurvivor #traumahealing #traumarecovery #iwillnotlose #iwillnotgiveup #fight #fightback https://www.instagram.com/p/CH7xS-9DkLo/?igshid=kou8luy8ioj8

Hello fresh for the win #hellofresh #hellofreshpics #triedsomethingnew #cancergirl #cancersucks #cooking #subscriptionbox #unboxing #unboxingvideo #beefbulgogi #win #firsttimemom (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHy0h96D9eE/?igshid=15ri5j80xd7f0

Hello fresh for the win #hellofresh #hellofreshpics #triedsomethingnew #cancergirl #cancersucks #cooking #subscriptionbox #unboxing #unboxingvideo #beefbulgogi #win #firsttimemom (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHy0h96D9eE/?igshid=15ri5j80xd7f0

**Life is not a merry go round. It's a journey.** I've heard this; I've heard people tell me enjoy the ride. I've heard loved ones tell me to take it one day at a time. I was 25 and was not going to make it to 30 without losing weight. I'm 31 and my chemo and cancer are causing weight loss, and it's scary. People have said good for you. Pause. Let me laugh. I laugh because I just had pizza last week. Losing weight like this is not fun. Not having an immune system that can power itself on by itself is scary. I'm losing weight due to autophagy. The cells are dying out and the drugs are killing my body, while the immune shots give me white blood cell boosters. But that's just one aspect. This week I started working out again. With no energy. But my surgery is in March and I want to recover well. So I must lose weight. During chemotherapy for twelve more weeks. During covid-19 restrictions. During ........ During.... Forever during everything, I have to figure out how to function , so that I can live. And live well. "Girl, watch your weight, watch your attitude , be positive" What other choices do I have?? The journey not the destination. But I ask you?? What if this time , for me it is about the destination?? This girl in this photo years ago laughed and drank coffee and road a carriage with some great friends. I had no idea what my journey had. I had no idea that all the years of trauma, that I recovered from, would lead to this. What's your destination? What's your Journey like? Hey, I'm rooting for your destination, because I want mine so bad I can taste it. I hope you do too! #destination #thejourneynotthedestination #fuckcancer🎀 #triplenegativebreastcancer #tpnbreastcancer #stage2 #reachforthestars #chemo #truecancerbodies https://www.instagram.com/p/CHjdtYXD4bL/?igshid=14146hm5hk0jj

Skin care becomes important when you don't have hair. #truecancerbodies #triplenegativebreastcancer #fuckcancer🎀 #imgoingntofightandwin #tpnbreastcancer #facemaskselfie #skincare #skincareroutine #chemo #chemosucks https://www.instagram.com/p/CHfdp2xDnD3/?igshid=65ifj6tmr698

#smiling #itsnothair #triplenegativebreastcancer #triplenegative #stage2 #cancer2020 #cancerwontkillme #cancer #cancerbody #truecancerbodies #livingforgoldmoments #fuckcancer #cancerstrong #hairgrowsback #chemotherapy #chemo #chemowarrior #chemosucks https://www.instagram.com/p/CHOhqQDDdPe/?igshid=15mk4pko8pej5

#coffeeislife https://www.instagram.com/p/B84xV77DDpc/?igshid=1enbwjrdfc4n2

When you realize that @d.sawa was the younger version of Patrick swayze #ghost That he was also way cuter than Brad Pitt. Ahh my childhood was amazing with this guy. Turns out he's an awesome human too not just super intelligent. If only they made more movies with him. #devonsawafan https://www.instagram.com/p/B7QZh3GDpKA/?igshid=7euciukzqfut

#lotr #coffee #2ndcoffee https://www.instagram.com/p/B4MLG38D3d5/?igshid=1x4notjv69u1i

#anheuserbusch #hiballenergy #cheersforbeers #perks https://www.instagram.com/p/B3fa5rMjrdw/?igshid=hl4fk9rlln96

When you're teaching your twin snapchat.... And she cant relate #cantrelate #cheese #hardcore https://www.instagram.com/p/B3BSbvNjAKQ/?igshid=xab5v2hk24xz

When you meet a mini polar bear you must take pictures #bear #polarbear #goldenretrieverpuppy #goldenretriever #puppypaws #dogsofinstagram #dogs_of_instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B0z1IxSDQwU/?igshid=3iau1mm95ppv