Wishing only wounds the heart

“I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, Bry.  I didn’t always respect myself and it cost something I can’t get back.  I hate myself every day for that mistake.  But that’s why I want this to work with Tre so badly.  I need this to be worth it.”  With Brynn, she could let the sadness shine through especially when her friend had been so vulnerable with her.  “Part of me doesn’t even believe I deserve someone like Ricky.  His heart is so pure and he loves me more than I should be loved.”

“We all have,” she murmured, “but hating yourself for past mistakes won’t make your future any better. Sometimes bad things just happen, and nothing can make the suffering worth it. It can make you stronger, it can teach you something, but it should never, ever bind you to someone.” She spoke from experience, the years and months she had spent plagued by her anorexia would never be worth it, but what she had lost and learned she would use to help others. Somehow, it didn’t ease the memory but she found the worth. “You deserve the purest heart and the most devoted, warm love anyone can ever receive. The only person who needs to believe that is you.”

“But I don’t feel cheap and worthless.  I feel strong and respected.  Tre left me part of his business when he went to jail because he knew I could handle it.”  This was getting them nowhere.  Brynn didn’t get it and she wasn’t sure that she’d find an answer here.  “Allister is great for you.  Cain is great for Hailey.  That works for you two.  But you both have or will have lost a lot by jumping into that lifestyle.  Hailey could be in New York now working on becoming the best dancer of our generation.  Instead, she has 3 kids and a dance studio in the back of his parents’ house.  She may be okay with that.  I’m not okay with that for me.”

“You and I may never agree on what you do with your body, but I’m certain it’s not self-respect. It’s a warped way to accept what Tre’s done, but it didn’t come from a place of self-respect.” They were two very different people, and Brynn wanted to understand more but maybe she never truly would. All she knew is that it came from a very similar place: the need to control your own fate. “I lost him for a year, I thought he was dead,” she reminded, her voice wavered. She never talked about it much, that year. If she did, she just said he was gone. There was an emptiness in that year, one she couldn’t bear to relive. “Everyone told me to get on with my life, to find someone else. I had a choice, I had Brett. He would have been security and the best companionship. A future I always dreamed of, I used to go to sleep convincing myself it would make me happy.”

“Business is bangin’,” she responded back to Edwin with a short laugh as she entered the house.  She loved the respect she got from her job.  She could do what she loved, which was having sex, and still be respected as a smart, sexy businesswoman because of her social standing.

“Excuse me?” Brynn blurted, “sorry you lost me at ‘enjoys my sex with other men.’” How to say this without completely offending her friend’s lifestyle choices? There wasn’t one. “No, Ricky probably wouldn’t because he shouldn’t be. Not only does it water down something as beautiful as the intimate bond between two people in love, it’s a devaluing of your own body. If Ricky is half the man I think he is, he thinks your body is worth more than that.” The judgment in her tone was likely not going over well, so Madelyn needed to know she could relate, at least to some degree. “I did things in the year Allister was gone I’m not proud of, and all it ever made me feel was cheap and worthless. I came to believe it was okay to have no value in my body because I had something in my uncontrollable life I could control. Then I decided, lying in a hospital bed, I was worth more than that. Being with Allister now, he just reaffirms it daily. Ultimately, it’s got to be me wanting more like it has to be you. Just find a partner in those beliefs for the days it’s harder to do on your own.”

Madelyn was in need of advice so she came to the one place she knew she’d find some good pieces of it.  As if the universe was shooting her a reminder of why she stayed with Tre, she passed by Brynn’s father on the way in the house.  “Mr. Turner,” she acknowledged as she walked past.  They were bonded by a secret.  “Do you mind pointing me in the direction of your daughter?”

Setting her plate down as she was met with an immediate shock, Brynn tried to process the news. “So you finally realized you have feelings for Ricky, but Tre noticed and has asked you to marry him to keep you,” she summarized. They had this conversation about Soc and Greaser lifestyles, so Brynn knew it was an uphill battle. At the end, what mattered was her friend’s happiness. Soc or Greaser, Tre wasn’t it. “You’ve made your own way. Maddy, you’re one of the smartest, business-minded women in this town, and no matter who you choose, you’ll always have that security. When you come home, who do you want to be there?”

“Now before you ask where Allister is, let me explain. He has a late 11 month anniversary date planned out for you. But, he decided to make it memorable for you.” He cleared his throat, before laughter began to bubble from his lips. He tried his hardest to remain as serious as he could. “Okay so, Green Lantern is waiting for you, but you’ve just got to figure out where. So, technically, I can’t really give you the answer to your question. Luckily for you, you do have me as a hint giver.” Seth stuck his tongue out slightly as his smile extended brightly across his face.

“So, before we go to our final destination, we have to go on a little hunt for some more clues– Are you ready for your first clue? Because it’s ready for you!” He laughed as he pulled out a little slip of paper and handed it to Brynn.

It reading: Bright Eyes, your journey begins where we began. The sunset is something eagerly waited for here. As soon as the sun goes down, the entertainment comes up.

Taking the paper, she read it as old memories reawakened with such vibrancy she might have experienced it only yesterday. Meeting him, how nervous he was, how much she was pushed out of her own comfort zone. He rearranged her life in the most beautiful way. She became who she was always meant to be because he inspired her, supported her, loved her.

“So we’re not going to comic book night at the library?” Seth teased as he helped Allister put the blankets in the backseat of Betsy.

“You’re a real hoot, Flash. A real hoot.” He laughed while closing the trunk. “I think this about covers it. You know where to lead her first right?” Allister asked, a slight look of worry shifted onto his face. His mind was overflowing with thoughts. His heart was beating faster with every passing minute. He was equally excited as he was nervous. It was the pressure of perfection on his shoulders. Tonight had to be perfect. It was the night, the night he had been planning on since the first time he saw Brynn at that drive-in. With those bright eyes staring back at him, he knew in his heart she was the one. This night was the night he would sweep Brynn off of her feet and ask her to join him in spending the rest of their lives together. So, it had to be perfect.

“Yes, yes, yes! I knew it the first time we practiced it. Don’t worry. Just take Betsy and go to the final destination already!“ Seth softly pushed his friend into the jeep and watched as he drove down the street.

All the challenges and painful breakings were worth it for what they had now. They were stronger, individually and as a couple. There was no one prouder of him than her, and vice versa. She laughed to herself, hearing Seth ‘begging to differ’ on that point in her head. Driving over to the other side wasn’t scary anymore when she thought of where she was going. Allister was home, it wasn’t a place, it was a person. No matter where they ended up, if she was with him, she was home.

Parking, she hopped out, a bounce on her heels. Looking up at the building, to the window she knew was his, a smile broke on her lips. Taking a few steps, she slipped into a run as she hurried to his door. Knocking a playful rhythm before rummaging through her bag for her keys.

“So, have you been subjected to this torture all day? I don’t know how you do it, Star Sapphire. You’re just too heroic for me to handle.”

Taking a deep breath, she nodded, “nearly. This morning we prepared for the ladies, then they arrived. It’s ingrained in me, like a special power I suppose.” She joked as she sat on some of their new patio furniture, “I’d much rather hear about this exciting news/advice though.”