List of Lists

Welcome back to your alma mater! Your reunion committee understands events like these have the potential to be awkward, which is why we organized the following events to make the weekend even worse.

Trivia night

Kick things off with a fun night of trivia. Questions will include,  “What was that guy’s name again?” “How do we know each other?” and “Guess who got rich and married to someone super young?” 

Suggested donation: $395

Meet-and-greet brunch

The first morning will consist of a brunch where you get to run into that weirdo you regret making out with on study abroad, as well as their 5 young children.

Suggested donation: $395

Campus tour

A lot has changed on campus since you’ve been here. That’s why we’ve assigned every alumni to a current student who will show them around to all the new spots. The best part is that you are totally allowed to tell them what used to be where and how you can’t believe how much the area has been really built up. 

Suggested donation: $395, but an extra $75 if you want to try to visit the apartment where you used to live to see if it changed at all and if anyone there cares.

Chemistry lab

Holy shit, dude! You’re late for our chem lab! You have to titrate Ammonia with Hydrochloric Acid and note the pH changes throughout! Apparently it takes like four hours and you’re already behind! Come on, dude! Grab your stuff!

Suggested donation: $395

Lunch will not be provided

As with the above event, we wanted to make sure you got to authentically relive your college experience.

Suggested donation: $395

Keynote address

Please attend a panel of the oldest, most bitter faculty for our keynote discussion entitled “Looking to the Future: The Role of Higher Education in Society.” No, the faculty will not remember having you in class but they will resent you for moving on with your lives. Recent events on campus and the geopolitical events that inspired them will be glaringly absent from the panel discussion.

Suggested donation: $395

Dinner and Undergrad Gawk

Enter the dining hall for a dinner featuring all of your old favorites attended by current undergrads. For this event only, you are allowed to eat in silence while you stare all you want at them and contemplate if you ever looked that young. 

Suggested donation: $395

Movie night

Join us on the quad for a screening of a movie that you never even liked and was only popular the summer before you started college. The movie was never critically acclaimed but it’s our attempt to pander to your presumed sensibilities in the most insulting and dismissive way possible.

Suggested donation: $395

Pub crawl

Revisit the old watering holes! 

Relive the memories - or lack thereof!

Retrace the steps of how you began to rely on alcohol as a preferred coping mechanism!

Suggested donation: $395

Suggested donation

Your reunion committee thank you for attending! The next one is only 5 years away so to make sure it runs smoothly please consider making a small suggested donation!

So you’ve found yourself in a brawl and now you need to know the best way out of it. It’s too late to run away and the cops are nowhere to be found. It’s time to rank the best modern art for a street fight.

Cubism

Just because this is the OG of modern art doesn’t mean it’s not still dangerous. You’re not just breaking from the pictorial representations of the past, you’re breaking your opponent’s sense of reality and ultimately his will to fight through the use of geometric forms.

Surrealism

As you embrace the irrational and dreamlike state, you will be a waking nightmare for your opponent with this bad boy of modern arts. Throw in some in collage techniques to truly flummox.

Art Nouveau

Curvy and decorative art nouveau will give you a supreme advantage, but I just realized I think you asked about the best “martial art for a street fight,” not modern art. That makes a lot more sense, honestly. Modern arts probably aren’t going to help you that much.

Classical Realism

Again, not sure how helpful any of these are going to be. Classical realism emphasizes a skilled portrayal of beauty, but I see how that’s not super helpful when you’re squaring up against a dude in an alley to defend your lady's honor.

Dadaism

OK! This one might actually work. It was created in order to mock the horrors and foolishness of violent conflict, so in that way maybe it’s appropriate to incorporate this as a way to reveal the futility of a street fight? I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but perhaps a nice, thought-provoking Dadaist piece would open a dialogue rather than a forehead wound.

Avant-Garde Fauvism

This is another subjective response to nature relying on super brilliant colors, rather than a method to incapacitate an opponent. I am sorry - I really need to do a better job listening. It's something I've said I wanted to work on for a while and now I can see that's something I am going to get serious about. "Modern" and "martial" don't actually sound that much alike. I guess we all hear what we want to hear, you know? Anyway, there's one more modern art that I saved for last.

Impressionism

There are lots of different doodles out there, so what does your breed of doodle say about you? Are you a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t actually like dogs so you bought a doodle instead, or are you something else? Let’s find out.

Schnoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

Aussiedoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

Labradoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, but you were one of the first ones to go in on the doodle craze so you can still tell yourself it’s because of your kids’ allergies when really it’s because you’re terrible.

Irishdoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs but apparently likes the idea of some breeder named Trish from ownadoodle.com playing God in her laundry room

Goldendoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs so you got a doodle instead and it’s the worst trained animal that’s ever existed and despite looking like a muppet it’s an actual menace to the neighborhood, as if Snuffleupagus was on the all-carnivore diet. You didn’t understand poodles are actually pretty gnarly, aggressive animals and you probably never will until Charleston eats your kid’s pet rabbit. 

Bernedoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, and in your house you believe love is love, science is real, and your home’s property values are the only thing in the world that actually matter

Sheepadoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs and you know you could have and should have rescued a real dog instead but deep down you know you are physically soft and mentally weak

Maltipoo/Cockapoo/Cavapoo

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs and you tell people you live in the city when you’re three hours away because you’re the kind of person who would inflict a name that ends with poo on a living creature.

Whoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, but honestly you’re one of the worst ones because a Wheaton Terrier was not gentrified enough for you so you had to go and subject it to the doodle craze

Boxerdoodle

It turns out you’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

Ever been watching the big game and thought how great it’d be if you could sling the pigskin just like the quarterback, even if deep down you knew that probably wasn’t possible? Then this guide is exactly what you need for the perfect spiral! 

1. Pick up the ball with your dominant hand, placing your fingers between the laces. It’s okay if this doesn’t feel natural yet! Not everyone is good at everything at first. 

Try to get your index finger at the tip of the ball, or near the “top.” You may notice all the greats like Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers do this, not that it helps to be comparative or anything. 

Huh. Your fingers don’t reach the top of the ball, do they? Yeah, I didn’t even think hand size could be a limiting factor, especially for a full-grown adult like yourself. 

Man. 

You’re not going to be able to do this, are you? 

Well, maybe it’s still possible for you to throw like, a spiral-ish. Hey, you’re not trying to play in the NFL or anything - you’re just trying not to completely suck at yet another thing. 

Hold the ball up at chest height, placing your non-dominant hand on it for support. You’ve actually had plenty of support throughout your life, so don’t try to use that as an excuse for what’s happening right now. It’s true your dad was more of a gardening-guy than a sports-guy, but throwing a football probably wasn’t even one of the gifts you were given to begin with. 

Try not to worry about what gifts you WERE given and stand about shoulder width apart, perpendicular to where you want to throw. For example, you have nice penmanship and are plenty handsome, like a solid 7, or an Indiana 8.5. Boy, that John Krasinki guy sure has it made, doesn’t he? Some people have all the luck. NOT THAT IT HELPS TO BE COMPARATIVE OR ANYTHING. 

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE AT THIS POINT SO LOOK AHEAD OF YOU TO WHERE YOU WANT TO THROW THE BALL. DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU, OBVIOUSLY. EVERYONE CAN SAY “MAYBE IF I HAD WORKED HARDER AT A FEW THINGS IT WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE,” BUT THERE’S REALLY NO WAY OF EVEN KNOWING THAT FOR SURE. IT MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN MATTERED. IT’S VERY LIKELY THAT NOTHING MATTERS AT ALL!!!! 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Great, keep your elbow at a 90-degree angle and move your arm through a circular motion. It’ll help to think about your elbow tracing a perfect circle. It will NOT help to think about how tracing a perfect circle is impossible, because everything already feels impossible to you right now. 

Spin the ball with your fingers as you release it. This is kind of a “feel” thing so full disclosure this might be something else you never get the hang of, like playing guitar or learning to code. Also, make sure you release the ball quickly to avoid dwelling on how you used to want to be a “baking guy.” 

Remember to follow-through. Like, with your arm, bringing it across your body after you throw, but also generally, because maybe it’s not too late to finish that Python course. 

OK! You’ve thrown your first pass. Sure, it was pretty wobbly, but at least you got it out of your hand and got out of bed today. 

It’s never been harder to be the child of a parent, and the issue of screen time certainly isn’t helping! But don’t worry, here are 7 ways you can reduce the screen time of your parents.

1. Model Good Behavior

The next time you feel like killing a few hours on your phone, think about who you’re setting an example for: your parents! Spending your downtime watching pimple popping videos while having “Parks and Rec” on in the background sends a message to your parents that “this is how everyone is these days.” Remember: you are the most important person in your parent’s lives, and their healthy relationship with screens starts with you.

2. Create Screen-free Zones

When you were a kid, you probably thought it was pretty cool that your parents had a TV in their bedroom. Now, you know that this is where they hide to watch Tucker Carlson while everyone’s home for the holidays. Talking to your parents about reducing the number of TVs they own can be tricky, so avoid any mention of how it will “reduce their carbon footprint” and instead focus on how they’ll have more shelf space for Easter decorations and art you made in grade school.

3. Encourage Other Activities

Remind your parents there are other things they can do besides sending entire videos as email attachments or looking up the side effects for the medications their doctors prescribed. Some helpful prompts include “Have you tried your favorite soup at Panera lately? You never know when they’re going to switch the recipe back to how you liked it” or “I hear church is doing some great activities these days, but don’t you think they could be a lot better organized?”

4. Consider Asking for Their Passwords

As you know, parents can be prone to conspiracy theories and scamming. Consider asking your parents for their social media passwords as a way to monitor the steady stream of misinformation they’re digesting. If you’re worried that asking may offend them, you can skip straight to monitoring, seeing as every one of their passwords has always been the name of the family dog you had twenty years ago. 

5. Set Aside Time To Unplug

Make time to do something else your parents might enjoy, like telling you why you chose the wrong career, or listing all of the people they heard about who died lately. Once they re-learn that there are plenty of activities that don’t involve a screen (like planting tomatoes or whatever old people used to do) they may spend less time scrolling through Facebook pages that repost TikTok videos.

6. Be Realistic

Start by setting smaller, more attainable goals. Instead of jumping right to the recommended one to two hours per day, maybe shoot for just eight to nine hours to start. Sure, even this may sound impossible to your parents at first, but remind them that their early 60’s are an important stage in their brain’s development and that limiting their screen time will pay dividends for them down the road.

7. Use Parental Controls

The amount of parking in front of my apartment

The amount of Thai food I can eat before bed

The amount of dessert I can eat after the Thai food, before bed

The amount of food I can eat before bed, in general

The amount of food I can eat, in general

The number of people from my high school are impressed with how many the improv classes I’ve paid for

The number of people who also think the 1994 film “Airheads” is severely underrated

The number of views on the web series I released in 2011

The number of settings where shorts are appropriate attire

Critical Race Theory is a serious problem and that’s why I haven’t been shy about speaking out against it, especially since I know all about it. Here are 5 times I was critical of critical race theory and definitely knew what it was.

1. At the Splash Country Waterpark My kids had been badgering me like crazy to take them to the waterpark and much to my chagrin I finally gave in. We arrived and I braced myself to splurge $25 large ones on each person, even though my kids spend most of the time in the lines anyway and very little time actually on the slides. Like, if you think about it, you should really only have to pay each time you go down the slide -- that would be the value. I was explaining this to the ticket person and he said “Yeah I don’t think that makes a lot of sense, really.” And I said “Yeah, just like the Critical Race Theory, huh?” and then the cashier didn’t say anything else. I’m guessing it’s because he didn’t know what CRT was, but I could have totally explained it to him had he been willing to just ask. That’s how you learn, guy!

2. While watching Lord of the Rings with my brother Denny and I were vegging out watching one of those Gandalf movies, when I was like, “Hey do you think they had Critical Race Theory back in this time?” My brother shrugged and I was like “Do you think the men had to go around apologizing to all the elves and dwarves and aliens or whatever about stuff that happened thousands of years ago?” Denny said it probably didn’t work like that and I was like “good.” Seriously, I was glad because had CRT been something Sam and Frodo had to deal with, on top of getting to the Great Fire Pit, I would have enjoyed their saga much less.

3. At the school board meeting This is the big one, obviously. I really laid into the school board about how they can’t force the kids to learn Critical Race Theory. I said that kids need to be kids and that the whole thing was un-American. To their credit the school board was quite receptive to my speech but ultimately they told me what I said didn’t matter to them at all because my kids didn’t even go to that district. I still think it was clear to everyone that I knew what I was talking about.

During sex with my same-race wife I was really going at it with my white wife, just hammering away, when it occurred to me that it would be bad to force kids to memorize the 1619 project. Naturally, I shared this with my wife, who happened to be the same race as I am, and she agreed. She asked me what the 1619 project was and as I started to explain it was a bunch of new taxes or rules about taxes or something she cut me off to say she wasn’t in the mood to get railed anymore. So, yeah, chalk “the intimacy in my marriage” up as another casualty to CRT.

You heard it: my sweet gram gram croaked the big one. I miss her so much it’s not even funny. But the worst part is that even though the paperwork is not even done on the farm she bought, the hussies have been flying over my gramps for a nasty one-night romp. Here are the worst ones.

  1. Edwina

First and foremost is Edwina, the flooziest off the floozies. She dared to show her gnarly face at grams’ visitation and took her sweet, sweet time through the greeting line. I call that “lingering for a fingering” and I don’t like it. Not. One. Bit!

  2. Mrs. Johnstone

Don’t you think it’s a little suspicious that Doris Johnstone lost her husband just a few months before gramps lost gram gram? And that they both had something called “melanoma?” Sounds convenient. A little TOO convenient if you ask me! I don’t know for sure that Doris killed her husband so she’d be free to coax my gramps into a twisted one night stand, but one look into her sad, sad eyes tells me something has got to be going on.

 3. Mrs. Morris

There are fat old tramps, and then there is THE fat old tramp: Mrs. Morris. If Mrs. Morris had any shame at all, she wouldn’t be gunning for a roll in the hay with her BEST FRIEND’S husband! That’s right: I know all about your backstabbing, skanky ways! And I bet if my gramgram was still alive she wouldn’t want to play cards with your anymore. Or at least not as often.

 4. Lucinda Mae

Lucinda Mae, have you no shame? I get it, my gramps is a real catch: he’s a nice swole stud who gets his haircut twice a week. But Lucinda Mae I am pretty sure you are still married! Get control of yourself, you old hag!

 5. Noreen Williams

Of all the strumpets rolling up to my mom’s dear old dad, Noreen Williams surprises me the least. What else should we expect from Dirty Old Noreen? This is the same woman who prowls every church gathering flirting with any old man with a heartbeat - especially if that heartbeat is controlled by a Medicaid Pacemaker. I feel like telling Noreen “my gramps is an honest man, NOT the kind of scab you hit up for a quickie!”

 6. Great Aunt Charlotte

Twain:

Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.

Update:

Write without pay until someone offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, well, that’s what it means to be a writer nowadays. Look upon sawing wood as a way to pay for health insurance.

Use the right word, not its second cousin.

Start with the right word, then use whatever word from thesauraus.com that makes you sound the smartest.

Use good grammar.

And/or emojis.

There is one thing I can't stand and won't stand, from many people. That is, sham sentimentality.

Actually, sham sentimentality is the Cutest. Thing. Ever. Fan as much of it as possible and then top it all off with “like and share.”

You need not expect to get your book right the first time. Go to work and revamp or rewrite it.

Your book? Ok. Right. Might as well get back to that. Well, first you’ll need a book deal and the best way to get one of those is to have a manager or a writing agent. You might even know someone who already has one of these (like my friend Tyler, who got representation after his blog post “21 Things Instagram Boyfriends Are Thinking” went viral. That was actually the first thing he’d ever written! Pretty funny, right? Ha. HA!) So, um, just keep your head down, keep writing and surely, someday all your hard work will pay off. Because it has to. Right? Right. Just remember: it doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer if you’re not represented. For instance, Mom said your last story was your best one yet and...

Sorry, this might not have anything to do with what Mark Twain said. I think I may have had an anxiety attack for a second. I better go call my therapist...

Ok, I’m good now. Where was I? Oh, yeah, well, whatever Twain suggests is probably fine. On to the next one.

The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.

The time to begin writing an article is as soon as it’s topic starts trending. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive how to monetize it for 3 or maybe even $4.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

I’m part of an elite rapid-deployment military formation of the United States Army that’s been around since the 17th century. What am I doing in a Karate For Beginners class? Staying ready, that’s what. Also I had a GroupOn. 

1. Tyler 

Hey Tyler. News flash: If I can do a 10-mile march with a heavy backpack, I’m going to have no problem going the distance with your scrawny ass.

2. Noah

Hey Noah: I’m glad everyone in class is so charmed with how shy you are. Really, I am! But there’s nowhere to run, Noah. Not from me. Not ever.

3. Andy

Nice gym muscles, Andy. Too bad they won’t help you in the real world. WHICH I’M BRINGING TO YOUR FRONT DOOR NEXT TIME WE GET PAIRED TOGETHER IN AN EXERCISE.

4 and 5. Allie and Christen

Bad news, ladies. I am an equal-opportunity butt-kicker. 

6. Tyler, again

That’s right, Tyler. I’ve got you on my list twice. You might walk around like you’re the best in the class. But I’ve got news for you: I’ve served 3 tours of duty, I am twice your size, and I don’t like your attitude.

7-12. Kevin, Amy, Randall, Becca, Tommy, and Eli

Smart move, trying to test me all at once. But my training has taught me to adapt and prepare for the worst. I’ve always been ready for this.

13. Charlie

Way to keep your hands up, Charlie. But better grab a fork and a knife so you can taste this tibula.

14. Edward

What are you doing here old man? I support your quest to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle in your golden years, but I got a hunch you’re looking for something else, something you’re not going to find here. I should know; I’ve been trained to read any logistical map and even how to navigate without one. But if I never found what I was missing out there, then you’re not going to find what you want in here. 

15. Dolores

I’m going to wax you, Mrs. Johnstone.

16. Instructor Tanaka

1. Soon-to-be dad faints while wife gave birth, 2 million views         Did you see this guy? He’s holding his wife’s hand and then BAM! All of a sudden, he just falls over. In the 30 hours since the video was posted, he’s been all over Facebook and those morning TV shows that just play whatever’s been all over Facebook. Thankfully mom and baby are doing just fine, but dad is still waiting to see a doctor.

2. Skateboarding bail, 450K views

Two weeks ago Brayden “The Ollie Oligarch” King bailed on a HEELFLIP BODY VARIAL FRONTSIDE 180 and slammed bad, eating a face full of pavement on the real. Now he’s having nasty-major trouble sleeping because of his gnarly, busted arm and he had to come to the ER since he doesn’t have a primary care physician.

3. Child dance recital goes very, very wrong, 370,234 views

This 4-Year-Old Was All Set To Begin Her Dance Routine, But Then She Had A Change Of Heart, What Happened Next Was She Fell Running Offstage And Needs Someone To X-Ray Her Ankle.

4. Gym FAIL, 200,605 views

Mark Thompson was trying to hit a PR-snatch-balance but he missed and bruised his neck. He would have had more views had his video been picked up by GYMFAILVIDS.com, but there’s still a chance he gets some views after the post-work rush.

5. Funny cooking accident, 1,212 views

Vlogger MeMe Michaels started a small grease fire while working on a post for her vlog. But according to the update she just posted from the waiting room, her burn is feeling much better now and she appreciates all the love from her subscribers.

6. Allegra Roth, 81, fell down her stairs, 0 views

Thankfully Allegra was able to get up OK and call for help, but this goes to show she really shouldn’t be living alone anymore - someone needs to be around to film these things.

7. Live home tour, 0 views

I hang out with Evan Marriott, the star of Fox’s 2003 reality show “Joe Millionaire.” That was the show where he pretended to be millionaire and dated a bunch of women, then after he chose one he had to tell her he wasn’t really a millionaire. Or something. I don’t quite remember. Anyway, here are 21 times he asked me why he couldn’t be the next president and I didn’t have a good answer anymore.

1.    The time at the Foot Locker in the mall

Evan said he wanted to be president. I wanted to say “Seriously?! You’re just a reality TV star,” but obviously that wouldn’t deter him after all this.

2.    The time at the Lincoln Memorial

One time we went to the Lincoln Memorial and he kept saying how we needed more politicians willing to tell it how it is. I felt like screaming “Your whole persona is a lie!” but I didn’t think it would make a difference.

3.    The time at an L.A. Fitness

The first time we met he asked me to spot him on the leg press. He said “I was Joe Millionaire. I love America. I want to be president.” I didn’t know him well enough to say that “loving America” wasn’t enough of a reason to be president. Plus, I guess it is now.

4.    The time we stopped at a 24-hour IHOP on our way back from my dad’s funeral

I’m not an apologist for elitism or anything, but when I overheard him telling our waitress he would come back and pay an even bigger tip when he became president, I felt like telling him he needed to have some sort of credentials before he even thought about running.

5.    The time his landlord came over to replace the smoke detectors

He was telling his landlord how well his construction business did (that’s what he did before he was on that reality show on Fox in 2003). He told him he’d run the country just like his business. I wanted to cut in and say “Business experience is not enough!” but obviously it is now.

6.    The time at the fireworks when we were with a bunch of people we just met for the first time

I wanted to tell him “You need to have some specifics” when he said he wanted to make American great, but I could tell he was trying to make a good first impression with some people who seemed pretty cool.

7.    The time we were getting suits fitted for his cousin’s wedding

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and thought he looked very presidential. I thought to myself “Frankly, you come off as a little sketchy” but who am I to judge anymore?

8.    We were killing time at mini golf

Even when we’re doing something unrelated, he loves to brag about the ratings that Joe Millionaire earned. “Government is nothing like reality TV!” I thought to myself as he putted straight into the crocodile, before remembering what happened in 2016 and thinking maybe I was wrong.

9.    The time when I was helping him move

He told me once “I’m a successful guy, people like successful guys.” I wanted to say “You were just pretending to be rich,” but that doesn’t matter to people anymore.

10.  The time he was getting the official show poster from Fox’s JOE MILLIONAIRE framed

This picture is him wearing a tux and standing next to a pretend butler. I said to him “Man, you glamorized an idea of wealth that is actually pretty damaging; it conditions people to believe the wealthy are entitled to have anything.” And he just shrugged and said “I think I’d be a good commander in chief.”

11.  The time we were driving home from the Clippers-Jazz game

He was complaining about DeAndre Jordan’s defense. I was thinking about his reality show and how we have him on tape being pretty sleazy about women. But…

12.  The time on New Years’ Eve when he made us watch some clips of himself on MADTV

He was pretty bad on it, totally un-presidential. But he seemed to be really proud of it so I held my tongue.

13.  The time we did jury duty

He kept saying the whole thing was really inspiring him to run for president. I said, “Maybe start at a smaller office, like a lower-level first to get some experience” and he said “Nah, that’s not necessary anymore.”

14.  The time we went on a double date with some girls we met at the lake

He hijacked the whole dinner conversation to pitch us different campaign slogans. I said “You don’t even know how many amendments there are!” and he just shrugged and kept going.

15.  The time we went on a double date with some girls we met at the lake again

...He was still going on about it at the movie so I asked him how a bill becomes a law and he just shrugged again. Neither of us got second dates with those girls, by the way.

16.  Every time

Honestly, I have never felt he had a good reason for wanting to do this.

17.  The time he came to my family’s Thanksgiving

He was saying he’d fill his cabinet with non-government people. “That just sounds like such a bad idea,” I thought to myself, but said nothing, because my family seemed to really like it.

18.  The time he borrowed my credit card

I found out he needed it to buy JOEMILLIONAIREFORPRESIDENT.com. He revealed he hadn’t look into the issues yet. I asked “what issues?” and he said “any of them. What are issues?” and I just got my credit card and left his apartment, exasperated.

19.  The time he got recognized at baggage claim

After the lady asked for a selfie, he turned to me and was like “See? People will vote for me.” He’s probably right.

20.  The time we met at Wendy’s after work

When he placed his order, he just said “Fries. Frosties. And a cheeseburger.” I realized then that I’ve been his friend for years but I still don’t have any proof that he can form a complete sentence. It seems like that would disqualify someone, but then again...

21.  Yesterday at the park

The other day

Last night

A while back 

Totally open to all races, but prefer my own

Blonde hair, blue eyes

Minimum height 5’10”

Athletic build required

Selecting for Sapiosexuals

Cosmopolitans or intellectual marxists will not be considered

No family history of mental illness

Should enjoy classical music

Should enjoy classical music, especially Wagner

Here are some bright, smilin’ teens who know how to get. it. done. How do we know? Because they told us so themselves.

1. Meet Jaron Westgate, 16. 

He totally figured it out! He even said it felt good!

2. Tim Thompson, 17. 

Okay, seriously? If there’s anyone out there who knows how to do this, it’s definitely Tim! He says he can do it whenever he wants and is even considering going pro after high school.

3. Bryce Warth, 15. 

He said he knows how to make this happen. At first we didn’t believe him, but then he told us that it feels crunchy and makes the “zzzzzzzzz” sound the whole time. So yeah, Bryce is in the know!

4. Jonathan Seahorn, 17. 

Dude did it so fucking raw.

5. Michael Osequeda, 19.