spies do not have feelings.

     low activity, queue based blog for sarah walker from nbc’s chuck, est. 2016. independent, selective & containing strong espionage-based themes, such as violence & weaponry. as loved by vicky ( she/her & 27 ).     carrd | memes​!

    the truth and sarah were two things that seldom mixed. she was a spy, lying was practically all she knew how to do. that was a big part of who she was, of what she did, and telling the truth wasn’t something she often did. she’d been lying for as long as she could remember, long before she became a spy if she was being perfectly honest with herself — it was practically the first thing she’d learnt from her father. “you really think it’s gonna be that easy? you ask me to be honest, and i just do it? nothing in life is ever that easy.”

    it was kind of exciting, getting to experience the things her friends enjoyed. she had nothing to share, not really; she’d get used to things in burbank over time, have her usual spots, things she could share in time, once she got a little more used to them. for now, she was happy to discover new things, things her friends enjoyed. “oh yeah? what do you usually get?”

    This was just another one of those things that felt weirdly normal. Jenny had never really hung out in arcades before, not with other kids, not to do normal things. She’d watched her father work his magic at carnivals and the like, seen machines just like this one while they were on the grift, but she’d never just hung out like this. It was different, and she liked it; she could get used to feeling like a normal teen, even if she knew it wouldn’t last. For the time being, however, she was going to make the most of it. Even if it was just the once, it was worth it, especially because it meant more time spent with Amelia, something she really did cherish. Someday, they’d never see each other again...but hopefully that wouldn’t be for awhile. “Oh yeah? I think this is a deal I can get behind. Try for...uh...” she paused, grin on her lips, as she studied the stuffed animals inside of the machine. There were plenty to go for, though she pointed to one that looked a little harder. “The penguin. I wanna see how good you really are.”

    sarah was well beyond allowing herself to worry about those kinds of things. she knew fine well she could end up dead on any mission, knew that there wasn’t any guarantee of a tomorrow, but that was something she’d been used to for a really long time now. “it used to...but not really anymore. i’m used to it, they’ve had me do some terrible things — how much worse can it really get? i got over all that a long time ago.”

    “criminals never do,” sarah pointed out, without missing a beat. while there were some — her father included — who were more interested in the money, more interested in themselves, plenty had too much of a focus on ensuring they never got caught, ensuring nobody ever figured out how to take them down. she’d dealt with plenty like that, made a lot of enemies over the years, though she was still standing, still in one piece. it wouldn’t be easy, but nothing ever was. she was determined. “this is what i do, alright? this is what i’ve been doing for a really long time. i’m not saying it’ll be easy for me, but i’m not gonna let them intimidate me. i’ve dealt with worse.”

    it really did sound like the kind of thing she’d missed out on as a teenager, but she wasn’t really looking to make up for it now. there were things she still wished she could do, certainly, but slumber parties weren’t really one of them. some things would likely have been better back then, not now. still, some of that didn’t sound half bad — maybe not makeovers or prank calls, but movies, food? well, she wasn’t really well versed in movies. it was probably time to try. “uh, sure. what kind of movies? you know i haven’t seen many.”

     “if you’re as good as you said you were, i wouldn’t have thought anything could distract you,” she pointed out, eyebrows raising, almost as if it was a challenge. jenny didn’t have many experiences with claw machines, though she’d always been told they were rigged; the lamest kind of con. still, she leaned against the next machine, watching amelia with an air of curiosity. she wasn’t sure whether she was about to be impressed, or simply witness amelia realise how rigged they truly were. “you gonna try and win one for me?”

    “i didn’t know i was supposed to.” she was so used to working alone, to doing everything alone, it was pretty much second nature at this point. if something needed doing, then she’d get it done, she very rarely saw the point in stopping to ask for help. “i can handle myself — and i can handle this. but if you’re coming, then come on.”

    it almost sounded like a threat, though she wasn’t sure if it was intended as one. she and jemma had seemed to get along just fine, even if they were hardly the best of friends. it was all so complicated, but she somehow doubted if anything was going to come of it. still, as a spy, she was on edge, on guard; she found herself tensing, gaze drifting to look at the other. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

    that wasn’t something she ever wanted her friend to go through again. rapunzel deserved better than that, she shouldn’t have to fear for her friend’s life, especially when there was already enough for her to worry about. their lives were in constant danger, she was completely unsafe, simply for being the intersect, and to think she had to worry about losing her too... “i’m alright, rapunzel. i’m fine. you don’t need to save me, you don’t need to worry about me. i wasn’t dead then, and i’m not dead now. i’m right here.”

    “what? what does that even mean?” sarah’s eyes settled on rapunzel, considering that for a moment. she did plenty of things without declaring them first, she hardly thought there was much point in that, most of the time. “why would i have said anything?”

    it was likely the only one there’d ever been, but she supposed she didn’t need to tell rapunzel that. it was kind of obvious from context, it wasn’t as if agents were going around having slumber parties all of the time. if they were, she’d certainly never been invited. “i’m guessing you know a thing or two more about sleepovers than i do. you have ideas?”

    that was the thing, wasn’t it? nothing was ever going to change. nobody could go back and change the past, there was no undoing the way things had turned out. no matter what, sarah had made her decision, she couldn’t undo it, choose not to be a spy, pick a different path. maybe someday her life would change, but only if she made that decision, and only the future. there wasn’t much choice, she wasn’t sure if she ever truly could get away from the cia. “life is just about the choices we make, right? one tiny thing done differently, and who even knows where we’d be now? i guess, uh, it’s the same moving forward though, right? nobody knows where we’ll all be a year from now, five years.”

    “What is that?” The yellow disk wasn’t like anything she’d seen before, weirdly enough. It wasn’t like it looked like something otherworldly, but it certainly looked like a piece of technology, like a button of some sort, something that did...well, something. She couldn’t quite figure it out. Even the CIA didn’t have anything like that, unless it was some sort of an emergency button, and it didn’t exactly look like one. Everything this woman said sounded insane, for she was stuck on the fact that the government were bound to know if alien existed, and had been anywhere near the Earth. They would have procedures in place, departments to deal with extra-terrestrial life...the fact they didn’t said everything she needed to know. “I want some honesty this time.”

    it was almost funny to think that, of all the things they could possibly talk about, it was something so simplistic. it made sense, though, because anything else might be a little too much for the spy. small talk wasn’t exactly her forte, but it beat out having to talk about anything real or deeper — favourite foods, while perhaps not something she’d thought much about, wasn’t like discussing where she grew up, who her family were, what her life was liking before or outside of the cia. she’d have had no answers. “oh god, hitting me with the hard questions?” it was something of a joke, not that sarah made a lot of those. there’d never been much of an opportunity to do so, but weirdly enough, she felt comfortable with maeve; it was a lot easier with her. “uh, well, i’ve kind of been all over, you know? there’s such different foods in different cultures, it’s hard to narrow it down. have you ever had knödel ? i guess any kind of dumplings are pretty good. but i’ve spent a lot of time in europe. i guess that was pretty obvious. i’d ask you the same, but uh, i guess you already kind of answered that one. what about, you know, like, bucket list foods?”