i have no idea what im doing.

See you were here and then one hot summer day you disappeared the way dew evaporates, it’s quick, but if you pay attention you can’t seem to miss the moment it goes from dew to mist

grief is strange in the way it runs through you, like water carving a riverbed into your brain. It dries up leaving nothing but the bodies of decaying fish in its wake.

And you’ll grow hungry for it. You’ll long for the pain. For the seething reminder it’s real when this, this overwhelming agony, is all that remains.

See you can watch the dew dissipate day after day. Until you really catch the moment it goes away, it drowns you in a way. And You’ll try to trap it, catch it like a firefly.

It was never going to work that way. Trust me, I have gallons of morning dew saved in glass mason jars, like fireflies, in my vain attempt to get back to you.

You see, grief ebbs and flows, like the tide. Like a riptide, sucking you out until your lungs burn and your legs ache. The second you feel like giving in, it washes back.

And you sit in an empty, barren, riverbed. Begging, pleading even for that tide to come. For the water to rise and cleanse your soul the way that pastor promised it would. Only nothing feels clean. No, it feels murky as it washes you in sin.

I find it rather odd, the way darkness hung in the air on what was arguably, a beautiful summer day. Or how we clung to it, like it was the last remaining piece of you.

See everything was right, looking up. Then everything abruptly halts and we’re trudging through, with this deep refusal to let go of the pain from losing you.

Her motherly daughter

My sister was robbed of her childhood

No, rather

She gave it away

Piece by piece she gave it all to me

Hiding under blankets

And combing my hair

I never had a mother

But my sister was there

Not much taller

But so much stronger

Braving the storm

And treading the water

Our childlike mother

Her motherly daughter

We were never babies

We were raised for the slaughter

But my motherly sister never let me feel the absence of our father

She helped with homework

And worried about my grades

She tied my shoes

And she told me I was brave

I got taller but her strength never caved

My motherly sister

I never could repay for the job you never should have had anyways

Our childish mother,

But uncomfortable sinks its teeth in

It draws you out

Bit by little bit

Until you’ve lost all the strength to run from it

It’s not that bad

It’s damn sure not good

It sure could be worse

And it surely will

Slowly, like climbing uphill

Some could say, even Sisyphus found joy in his pain

Uncomfortable becomes comfort in a chest sinking kind of way

Until uncomfortable finds its way into unbearable

And drains you of everything you used to be

Once your sunk in the sand up to your knees

Maybe you’ll find the strength to get up and leave

Of course by then you’re just the shadow of who you should be

Filled with so much hope

It’s ripping at the seams

And you could let it out

And sit with it

But of course, that’s giving up

And you’ve never been one to call it quits

Some call it unbearable

Stardust and hatred

My bones they are not sacred

At least I’ve made it

Forgiving myself

For losing my patience

This kindness is heavy

Sunk into my chest

My bones they are cracking

light trails of my soul

I’ll try to follow them home

They’ve nowhere to go

Up in the mountains

I’m out lost in the cold

I never did care for the snow

Sunshine pouring from my soul

I’m trying to capture it

Like light rays of hope

Deep in my pockets

I dug a dark hole

Come sit here beside me

I’m watching the sand run out

All over the floor

And I can’t save time anymore

And I’ll never save the world from the comfort of my couch

But I can’t stand change and the way that everything always stays the same

And I hate the way the air hurts my face but I couldn’t imagine leaving this place

I’m in between everything I love and hate

But I never stopped to look that way

I’m running far to fast to catch onto a detour like that

And they’ve tried to slow me down

Angry hands pulling me to the ground

But I can’t shake this need to leave

I’ll be the slowest getaway you’ve ever seen

They said reach for the stars

But I can’t see them through the glare of the sun

I guess this is all to say

I have no idea where I’m going

I’m stagnant change

Slowly chaos

Burning into oblivion

Always the same

I’ll clean up this sand and be on my way

Save it all in my pocket for the next rainy day

So when you say you have no time

The walls all painted light blue

The window isn’t level in the wall

It makes the ceiling look askew

I miss the kindergarten floors

Yellow speckled paint

And the bunk bed that now holds junk filled milk crates

I miss the soft close of my door

And the creek in the floor

I miss the smell of warmth filling the room

While the outside is filled with blustery winter doom

I miss racing up the stairs

And throwing my bag in that old wooden chair

With my name so carefully painted

I miss the poster’s and pictures that adorned my walls

Now the paint is just lighter in those spots

The ceiling still sparkles with glitter spray paint

And in the frame of the door is still etched my name

And my sisters

And the dogs

Now exercise equipment covers the floor

My parents have gotten older, and it’s not my room anymore

But the walls are still blue

Under the guise that it’s all worth it

I’ve ripped myself open

And sewn myself shut

Trying to prove I was worthy

Only to be told it’s never enough

My heart in my hands

Your still unsure where you stand

Broken and bleeding

Still begging for more

I’m so hungry I could eat off the floor

I spent my childhood shrouded in dreams

Filled myself with hope until I was bursting at the seams

And when life started throwing punches

I convinced myself a hug was all it needs

Battered and bruised

I’m still leaving space for you

And I’ll leave the light on and a empty hook at the door

Even though you don’t come around anymore

I’ll keep better days tucked in my pockets

Hidden behind the moment

We’ll find it exactly where we lost it

The world will keep on spinning

So I’ll just keep on giving

Until I have nothing left in my calloused hands

I’ll throw you the rope to pull me to land

You can’t pull me in

I will dig down in the dirt

Change the gravitational pull of the earth

I would manhandle the moon

Drop it in the ocean for you

So it will light up

Like a summer night sky

We can ask the jellyfish

Do you float?

or do you fly?

We’ll sing songs with the wales

And ask crabs of their tales

Of hardship and heartbreak

About survival and strength

We’ll find humanity all the way down at the bottom of the sea

I would swallow the sky

I’ll be a bird and fly

All the way to mars

And I’ll count each one of the stars

You’ll hang out in the Milky Way

We’ll meet in the middle under a meteor shower

We could discuss time and power

But we’d rather dance

Under the light of the moon

My mother carried the weight

Of her mothers, mothers burden

And she put that weight on me

She told me stand tall

And speak clear

But I will not hurl the weight of the world on you my dear

I’ll clean it up

Put all the broken parts back where they belong

So you will not have to sing the same out of tune song

I’ll heal this hurt

So it doesn’t hurt you

That’s what mothers are supposed to do

And I don’t blame my mom

Or hers

It’s hard when your carrying generations of hurt

But I’ll unpack these bags

And send all of the damaged goods back

And you my love

I tell myself as I wash my tear stained face

I’ll watch the water wash away

And pick out the jagged pieces of my heart from the drain

I’ll pour out my hurt onto paper with pen

And I’ll use tape to put all the pieces together again

It’s going to be okay

I tell myself on another dreary day

After all how lovely it is to even have a heart to break

To have a heart worth loving

And losing

How beautiful to have a soul worth yearning for

To have a kindness so palpable

So real

Even the most shattered heart can heal

It’s going to be okay

I think hearts were meant to break

To be repaired

And maybe broken again

Because broken hearts can mend

And the sun will come out again

And happy word will pour from my pen

And my sisters secrets are the only ones I’m asked to keep

Where my father gets the love he deserves

My sisters hair is gently brushed

There exists a whole me that never felt the burden of being a child

One where I was allowed to run barefooted and wild

Somewhere out there is a little brown haired girl being held by her mom

Her bruises are kissed

And she’s held through the tears

She never too much

She knows how much she is loved

A world exists where my mom was enough

And her mom never said she was too much

Our family was built on a foundation of love

No baggage to carry

Or curses to break

I’m a scared child

Running to my mother for safety

But safety isn’t found here

Thrown to the wolves hearing her cries

Trying to save her

Trying to survive

It wasn’t my burden

But it wasn’t yours

So why do I carry this crown of thorns

Mother please save me

My eyes filled with tears

Darling no one will save you

No one can hear

So I scream into the silence

While her cries pierce my ears

Mother I’m coming

It’s okay I’m here

No one to save us so I’ll save us both

Drowning in the rubble

Because you sunk the boat

Mom

Some days I wish to be one of my paintings

Fluid colors trapped in beautiful liminal space

And all they are is my mind poured onto canvas

My heart beating through the brush

The world being to much it bubbles up and overflows into the messy pages of my sketchbook

My pain turned to watercolor bleeding through the pages

Entire notebooks filled to the brim with pen scratched heartache

And endless renderings of your perfect face

Some days I wish I could wash away

I could drown in my paint cup and be whisked down the drain

Or maybe sat on the counter left to slowly evaporate until the sadness breaks

I wish to be in long forgotten sketch pads

Laden with long forgotten teenage dreams

I can jump through hope for the future

That leaves me longing for the past

I wish to be art

Trapped beneath always clean glass

Or maybe in a Bansky watching the world slowly pass

And I’ll be labeled graffiti and painted over

But come back again in a crayon drawing on someone’s mothers fridge

In a bittersweet melancholy kind of way

See your there

In every scene

Every frame

And the time between our girlhood

And you going away

All seems to be blurred

It runs into one long day

The grass is greener

The sky is bluer

The day lasted longer

The smell of glitter body balm

And aqua net hairspray fills my already flooded brain

When did you go away?

I don’t remember the specific day

We set our Barbie’s down and went outside

Not to play

But to go our separate ways

Solidified in the fact that we would find our way back to sisterhood someday

But you went away

I’m 28 and still on particularly snowy days my sister will call to question the magical properties of Narnia

She still shouts “I love you one time”

She’ll offer to buy Anna’s house because it reminds us of Russ and even though we’ll never say it those tables are too big, to empty

And we’ll sit and order coffee and eggs and though neither of us is particularly fond of their coffee it’s routine,

An unspoken secret shared by three sisters.

She’ll offer to bring me to the thrift store

And bitch about the way I drive

She’ll say I annoy her

And I’ll say she’s worse

But we both know without the other we couldn’t survive

My sisters love is quite

And ear shattering loud

She might blend in

Will they know my sister collected stones constantly searching for the perfect one that skips when thrown?

Or that I found it months after we buried her in her favorite clothes?

Will they know my favorite number is three because my mom always chose six and it gave my sisters a better chance at winning it?

A thousand years from now as they brush away the dirt and see my broken leg they won’t know about the laughter that spilled out of my best friends car while we drove to the hospital that day.

They won’t know of the poetry I wrote

Of the art I made

Or the pain I felt

They won’t see the scar on my foot that I’ve had my whole life

Or the tattoo I got when my sister died

They won’t know of my regrets

Of the hurt

They’ll just see my bones and dirt

And they’ll clean me up and place me on some shelf