Ravens of Ash

And then you switched to shots.

The first injection hadn’t even hurt that bad. Nikolai had hovered the entire time like a worried hawk, pretending not to watch while absolutely watching, hand warm and steady on your knee afterward.

“You okay, dorogoy?” he’d asked quietly.

You had smiled. “Yeah. I’m ready.”

You had not, however, been ready for the next morning.

The common room was blessedly empty when you stumbled in, socked feet dragging across the floor. You didn’t even bother sitting properly, just flopped face-first onto the couch, head buried in a cushion, legs dangling awkwardly over the back like a discarded coat.

Every nerve in your body felt loud.

Hungry, restless, irritated for no clear reason, and painfully aware of every sensation under your skin.

“Who the hell was going to tell me that you’re horny, hungry, and angry just by waking up?” You grumbled into the fabric.

A beat.

Then, from behind them, “Well. If you want to fuc-”

You groaned. “Don’t.”

John's boots came into view as he stopped beside the couch, coffee mug in hand. He didn’t look amused so much as…fondly concerned. “Rough morning?”

“I could eat a horse,” You muttered. “And fight it. And maybe cry afterward. I don’t know.”

Simon appeared next, silent as ever, looming near the arm of the couch. He tilted his head slightly, skull mask discarded for once. “That’ll be the dosage increase.”

You peeked out of the cushion, squinting. “You knew?”

“I Googled,” Simon said simply.

Johnny burst in moments later, energy already at a ten. Leaning over the back of the couch, peering down at you. “You feelin’ okay, lad?”

You huffed. “Define okay.”

Kyle followed Johnny in, hands already full of protein bars and a banana he’d grabbed from the kitchen. Without a word, he set them down on the coffee table within your reach. “Eat first,” he said gently. “Everything feels worse when you don’t.”

You stared at the food like it had personally offended you, then reluctantly grabbed a bar and bit into it.

…Okay, that helped. A little.

Nikolai appeared last, as he often did, presence filling the room without effort. He took one look at you draped over the couch and softened immediately. Kneeling beside you, he brushed a hand through your hair, slow and grounding.

“Morning, moy muzhchina,” he murmured, teasing but warm. “You look… overwhelmed.”

You exhaled, tension leaking out of you at the sound of his voice. “I feel like my emotions are doing parkour.”

John snorted quietly into his mug.

Nikolai smiled. “This is normal. Second puberty, yes? Less acne, more… appetite.” His thumb rubbed small circles against your temple. “You are safe.”

That, of all things, made your throat tighten.

You swallowed hard and shifted, sitting up a little. “I just- I didn’t expect it to hit this fast. Yesterday I was fine. Today I want to eat everything in the fridge and punch a wall for existing.”

Johnny raised a hand. “For the record, we do not recommend the punching walls bit.”

Kyle nodded. “Gym’s open though. Later. If you want.”

Simon crossed his arms. “We’ll keep people off your case today.”

John set his mug down and leaned against the table, voice steady and firm in that captain way of his. “What you’re feeling doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you human. Hormones are powerful things.”

You looked around at them, really looked. No judgment. No awkwardness. Just concern, humor, and an unspoken we’ve got you hanging in the air.

“I feel stupid complaining,” You admitted quietly. “This is what I wanted.”

“And wanting something doesn’t mean it’s easy,” Nikolai said immediately. “Both can be true.”

Johnny grinned. “Besides, if this is the worst of it, we can handle a grumpy, hungry you.”

Simon added, deadpan, “You’re already grumpy.”

You barked out a laugh despite yourself.

The edge dulled further as you finished the protein bar, hunger easing into something manageable. Nikolai helped you sit properly, arm draped over your shoulders, solid and warm.

Because your silence is not empty. It is full of unsent messages, half-written replies, thoughts of people you still care about deeply, and the constant quiet guilt of wishing connection felt easier right now.

You see things that remind you of them.

You wonder how they are.

You miss their presence in your life.

And sometimes you even miss them so intensely it physically aches a little.

But exhaustion is strange like that.

Sometimes a person can crave comfort and still not have the emotional energy required to reach toward it. Sometimes your mind becomes so overwhelmed that even replying to someone you love feels like lifting something heavy with shaking hands.

And I think people who experience this are often incredibly hard on themselves.

They call themselves distant.

Lazy.

A bad friend.

Difficult to love.

When really, many of them are just emotionally exhausted people trying very hard to stay connected while carrying more inside themselves than others can see.

So if you have been quiet lately, please know this gently:

The people you love are not erased by your silence.

Your care still exists, even when your energy doesn’t.

Your affection still exists, even when your replies are delayed.

Your heart is still soft, even if exhaustion has made you quieter than usual.

You do not need to punish yourself for struggling to be present while overwhelmed.

And honestly? I think some of the most loving people become the quietest when they are hurting, because they are trying so hard not to become a burden to anyone else.

So tonight, instead of criticizing yourself for disappearing, maybe try offering yourself a little compassion instead.

You are tired.

Not heartless.

Overwhelmed.

Not uncaring.

This opens the door for not only the targeting of trans individuals, but also trans communities, the broader queer community, and even allies and family members of transgender people.

Everyone, be safe. Look out for each other. Cherish small wins, and moments of joy.

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.

It's a free, no sign-up, no ads fitness resource created by professionals who view this as activism (fitness should be accessible to everyone), and it's very thoughtful and thorough.

Features I really like:

- all instructions for workout routines are diagrammed on single pages with a clean, easy to read layout

- there's 30 or 60 day programs you can follow if you, like me, don't know what to do. they take you through a rotation of workouts so you're working different muscle groups on different day for a specific purpose

- there's so much variety and there's a filter so you can find the level and your goals and type of workout you wanna do

- you don't need any equipment

- some of the programs are RPGs or adventure stories! How's that for motivation. There's also badges and achievements or something but I haven't looked that closely at how that works yet

- they're nerds. they name workouts after D&D classes. There's a Lannistrr workout, a batcave workout, a witcher workout

- I've only scratched the surface

I'm doing this really easy one to start out

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQSMS0J6JbrKdSOSbyJXaQ_zN_HSSp7zZ

“State the idea you wish to express as clearly as possible, and in terms preschoolers can understand.” Example: It is dangerous to play in the street. ​​​​​​

“Rephrase in a positive manner,” as in It is good to play where it is safe.

“Rephrase the idea, bearing in mind that preschoolers cannot yet make subtle distinctions and need to be redirected to authorities they trust.” As in, “Ask your parents where it is safe to play.”

“Rephrase your idea to eliminate all elements that could be considered prescriptive, directive, or instructive.” In the example, that’d mean getting rid of “ask”: Your parents will tell you where it is safe to play.

“Rephrase any element that suggests certainty.” That’d be “will”: Your parents can tell you where it is safe to play.

“Rephrase your idea to eliminate any element that may not apply to all children.” Not all children know their parents, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play.

“Add a simple motivational idea that gives preschoolers a reason to follow your advice.” Perhaps: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.

“Rephrase your new statement, repeating the first step.” “Good” represents a value judgment, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them.

“Rephrase your idea a final time, relating it to some phase of development a preschooler can understand.” Maybe: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them, and listening is an important part of growing.

In working on the show, Rogers interacted extensively with academic researchers. Daniel R. Anderson, a psychologist formerly at the University of Massachusetts who worked as an advisor for the show, remembered a speaking trip to Germany at which some members of an academic audience raised questions about Rogers’s direct approach on television. They were concerned that it could lead to false expectations from children of personal support from a televised figure. Anderson was impressed with the depth of Rogers’s reaction, and with the fact that he went back to production carefully screening scripts for any hint of language that could confuse children in that way.

In fact, Freddish and Rogers’s philosophy of child development is actually derived from some of the leading 20th-century scholars of the subject. In the 1950s, Rogers, already well known for a previous children’s TV program, was pursuing a graduate degree at The Pittsburgh Theological Seminary when a teacher there recommended he also study under the child-development expert Margaret McFarland at the University of Pittsburgh. There he was exposed to the theories of legendary faculty, including McFarland, Benjamin Spock, Erik Erikson, and T. Berry Brazelton. Rogers learned the highest standards in this emerging academic field, and he applied them to his program for almost half a century.

1. Fist: Make a fist around the epi-pen, don’t place your thumb/fingers over either end

2. Flick the blue cap off

3. Fire. Press down into the outer thigh (the big muscle in there), hold for 10 seconds before removing (the orange cap will cover the needle). Bare skin is best but the epi-pen will go through clothing. Avoid pockets and seams. 

It doesn’t hurt much at all to use this needle. The first time I used mine, I didn’t even feel it. But be sure to stab it IN THE OUTER THIGH. Do not stick it anywhere else or you could seriously hurt or kill someone. Just right to the outside of the thigh and then call the ambulance - even if your friend starts doing better, they could have a biphasic reaction, meaning a reaction that comes back (or they may need a second dose, be on the look out). If your friend has an epipen, then they have an epipen trainer that doesn’t have a needle and you can try it out just to be sure you know how to use the real thing if you have to. I’d also advise holding it a few more seconds then 10, maybe go for 14 just to be sure all the medicine is administered and that you didn’t count too fast - that’s what I did.

Here’s a graphic of where to stick it:

To recover, you literally need to manually learn skills that most people learn as a toddler

You need to learn what makes your body uncomfortable, and what to do to fix it

If you are high-masking, that usually means that you have learned to ignore every distress signal your body sends unless it is a distress signal that a neurotypical person would recognize. People have likely been unintentionally gaslighting you about your lived experience your entire life

If you feel bad or panicked for no reason, stop and try to pay attention to your body. Are you tense? You are likely feeling physical pain somewhere. If you've been gaslit about your pain your entire life, you might not be able to identify it.

Go through a sensory checklist.

SIGHT: Try closing and covering your eyes. If this gives you relief, the lights are probably too bright. You may also need differently-colored lights

SOUND: Cover your ears. Does this give you relief? If so, you may need earplugs or noise canceling headphones. You may also benefit from a neutral or pleasant background noise, like soft music or brown noise.

TOUCH: Are your clothes uncomfortable? Your chair? Your body? Do you feel greasy, like you need a shower? Do you need softer, sensory-friendly clothing?

TASTE: Do you need to brush your teeth or tongue? Would chewing on something help?

SMELL: Is there a strong or unpleasant smell in the room? Do you need to clean or empty a trash can? Would an air purifier help? Would a pleasant smell like a candle help?

INTEROCEPTION: Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? How is your posture? Are any of your muscles tight or sore? Scan your body slowly from head to feet, tensing and loosening each group of muscles. Going for a walk or doing a series of quick stretches may help a lot.

Learning how to do this stuff is not intuitive, if you've had an entire lifetime of gaslighting telling you that everything hurting you isn't a big deal and you're being dramatic over nothing.

This takes time, it takes work, it's not intuitive, and it's hard. Most people forget how hard it is, because they learned this as toddlers.