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Why?

One word. Seems harmless. But when you put a question mark beside it, the word becomes a question that has been haunting my head for the last five days. Why? Why me? Why him? Why us? Why now?

Why doesn’t the sun look the same to me anymore? Why does my favorite soup taste bitter than before? Why does the color pink look different now? Why can’t I smile and mean it? Why are the nights harder than the mornings? Why don’t videogames amuse me anymore? Why does it hurt when I watch romantic movies now? Why am I suddenly bitter about love songs? Why don’t my cookies taste as good as they were when I baked them for you? Why don’t I want to visit that coffeeshop at the city hotel’s ground floor anymore? Why do gyms scare me already? Why am I suddenly afraid of commitments? Why do I feel lost? Why can’t I sleep well at night? Why do my tears keep falling?

Why did you leave?

Why did you give up on us?

I sat there. I thought, I thought, I thought. And I realized... it was pretty obvious what was happening. I couldn’t help but smile a little. A wry smile of how this all painfully felt familiar. Just a few years back, I was in the same situation as I am in now.

Heartbreaks. They weren’t as often but when they did come, they felt like a hurricane in my chest that refused to leave. They felt like heavy sharp metal wrapped around my heart, like as each and every hour passed, a piece of me faded away.

Oh, heartbreak. I did not miss you at all. How evil of you to occupy my entire mind, to fill me with all these thoughts, all these negativity. How evil of you to take away a piece of myself, of my soul, bit by bit. How evil of you to have found me again, even if I was enveloped in a cloud of happiness. I never thought I’d see you again.

Leave me. Go away. Take the pain, bring the hurt and wash away the scars as you make your way out of my system. I am not prepared for what’s to come. This is all too familiar for me to not know what’s next in this horrible state of mind... and heart.

Days of begging. Days of confusion. Days of dreading. Days of crying out. Days of regret. Days of questioning my faith, my beliefs, my actions. Days of loud thoughts where I can no longer hear myself. Days of asking myself questions I will never get answers to.

What’s wrong with me?

Heartbreak. Leave me alone. I have been your victim for too long. My heart is tired. And your enemy, love? Love has long proven time and time again, that it was and never will be for me.

And what was there I have lost

But in the lost

I have loved.”

What am I so scared of?