the moon that shines on me

to be honest, ara hadn’t expected him to agree on the outfit she’d chosen for him to wear. the look he’d given her, she’s not even sure if he truly had agreed on it, but to her surprise he’d actually put it on. as she’d predicted, he looked good. she’d chosen it simply because she’d been curious as to whether he’d be able to rock this kind of outfit (and her answer: a solid yes), but if he’d asked, she’d tell him that he doesn’t actually need a mesh shirt in order to catch anyone’s attention. who ever needs a flashy attire, being classically handsome? besides, his grandfather suits had a strange kind of charm, too.

still, she has to give herself a pat on the back for it. especially the color; this midnight blue looked amazing on him, and it just happened to be a shade of her favorite color. she’s still admiring it when another couple gracelessly stumbles into them, clearly having too much fun to watch where they’re going. everyone’s dancing so near to each other, it’s no surprise. because of it, she’s pushed further into jinho’s arms, ending up pressed close against him. it doesn’t particularly bother her; ara doesn’t make any attempts to step back again.

“oh, not only handsome. you’re charming too,” she’s still as playful as ever, but there’s no denying the way her eyes crinkled in delight as she smiled because of his flattery. she loves compliment, of this she’s sure he’s aware. she continuously pesters him for praise at work, after all. he never fails to entertain her. his answer briefly makes her wonder what he’s been up to, curious how his night has been. “but a liar. i’m sure you’ve been in the company of many beautiful women tonight, as you deserve to be.” even when acting like a stranger, her soft spot for him is clear.

a couple bumps into them and when he senses ara’s stumbling into him, she’s pressed so close to him her breath sweet, mixing with the perfume she wore and a hint of just something else hits his lips. he smiles sheepishly sure he can feel his own cheeks painted with a blush. it wasn’t that he wasn’t used to compliments even from ara it was in her nature to always be forefront with her sincerity and even he had found her charm irresistible, unable to keep from smiling whenever he was around her. he truly was lucky. his hands rest lower on her hips keeping her close to him.

jinho’s gaze on her he loves how her eyes crinkle in mirth, and he chuckles lightly when she calls him out for having spent his time with other women at this party. he shakes his head lightly, he is doing his best to forget his disastrous meeting with jinri and her father, being with ara it made him forget about how the evening had started on a sour note. “the woman most worth my time, is doing me the honor in gracing me with her presence.” he replies with a smirk, in a manner he knew ara would have responded to him in. she had rubbed off on him in more ways than one, and he would say it was for the better. 

what had he been thinking? it had been the question that was in the forefront of his mind tonight. it was the question that kept popping up with every misstep he made at this party. from the encounter with jinri and hwang bogum taking the fall for the young hwang heir for giving into the need to let loose and enjoy himself for once. then there was ara. oh god. his head was a mess, his thoughts racing. 

hair disheveled, as he threw the blazer haphazardly over his shoulders his mask discarded in that room where him and ara had snuck off to, the sensation lingering of her lips how they captured his, how they left a hot trail on his neck. his hands all over her body. jinho shakes his head he was so careless, he couldn’t believe he gave into his instincts like that, crossing the line of their friendship to satisfy himself and thinking so selfishly of not how this could really damage his friendship with ara. the person he trusted the most. all because he hadn’t been thinking with his head. 

he tries to focus on something, anything else than the frustration in jinho’s eyes. minnie comes to a close second but before slender fingers could return her affection, scratch the excited corgi between her ears, his brother dismisses her.

ansook hears his words repeat and it sounds even pathetic the second time around. “it happens —” he tries to say but then jinho speaks and ansook feels the lump in his throat. death anniversary. the night their parents died. when jinho lost his world. ansook hasn’t forgotten. he couldn’t. wouldn’t. because it was the day that kills his beloved brother on a daily. “im sorry.” he voices. and he is. if only he was able to feel. comprehend and relate to the murderous emotions that reside in the oldest cha. ansook draws a sigh at the second lecture that spews out. he could tell jinho was working to keep his composure; working to be nice to his selfish brother and the younger hates it. “you dont need to be responsible for me.” ansook states but the words come off harsher than he intends. he knows jinho feels guilt for the death of his parents. he understands that guilt puts him to be overprotective with his younger brother. 

but ansook wants jinho to understand he doesnt need to feel guilty, and he doesnt need to be so worried. cha ansook was grown now. ’i can protect you too, hyung’, his thought yells but his voice refuses to speak it. “im sorry my phone died. it won’t happen again.” he then promises. 

“i don’t need to...” jinho’s voice trails off not he didn’t want to even finish repeating his brothers statement. is this what his brother truly thought of him? was he a bit overprotective sure he could be. ansook was all he had. no matter how much time he spent with the bae’s growing up it didn’t change that the only person that remained in his bloodline was his own little brother. it didn’t change that he couldn’t leave all the burden on jihyun to watch after the two of them to make sure they weren’t as screwed up as they could be. he takes a few steps towards ansook, his eyes meeting the taller siblings. “do you even hear yourself right now?” 

he scoffs, hand covering his mouth he shakes his head in disbelief. jinho steps away from his brother pacing in the foyer. “i don’t need to be responsible for you? i don’t, he pauses, you mean to tell me i’ve wasted my time for the last 20 years doting on you, taking care of you, making sure you were okay? making sure that maybe, just maybe. you don’t end up nearly half as screwed up as i am?” jinho confesses, to ansook the emotions that he had housed inside for so long were threatening to come out as he struggles to keep his own emotions locked away behind their walls. 

           SHE WAS LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE like him on her side — he was intelligent, strong, benevolent, and she supported him the best she knew she could. their platonic bond went unspoken, and she looked at him and felt safe: he felt like home. he was what she always came back to when the going got tough, and she knew she’d never have to walk any path alone when he was there.

«you say that as if i’d let you,» she smiled, absentmindedly reaching out a hand to run it down his arm, a light movement against smooth skin. «it’s almost hard to believe we made it,» she muttered, as if talking to herself, and she lifted her gaze to meet jinho’s familiar dark hues. «what do you think happens now ?»

he pondered how many of these moments, these sort of nights he would have in his life. even with the workload of university he found these quiet moments of escape with ahyoung in the past, the ease and calm he felt around her reminded him that life did give way to some tranquility along its always spinning course. he had found a kindred spirit in ahyoung. 

his attention drifts. his stare focuses on the message he sent his brother while his mind listens to the words of minwoo. ansook nods, an confident indication that he was able to handle the alcohol. the night was young, he would claim and on cue, his drink arrives. a pleasant smile spreads his lips as he reaches over for a sip. though, immediately he notices the dismissal from minwoo. the male making his exit at presumably his previous comment and ansook blinks, trying to register the situation. “you’re leaving already? my brother is not coming. if that’s why—” ansook also stands up, his drink clutched in his hands. however, the male figures he should head out as well. and he copies minwoo, after the other had abandoned his seat, and focuses on paying for his service.

the interaction gets set back when his phone vibrates once more, and he glances down at the message. a subtle, amused scoff escapes his throat at his brother’s (lack of) internet knowledge, moreover, interpretation. a zoo, really? ansook questions in his mind as he finally decides to press the ‘call’ button. with his phone left dialing for jinho, the youngest returned his focus on paying before following minwoo out. “wait, minwoo.” ansook shouts behind the other as he grabs his jacket. the male had a habit of pushing his luck. still, his interactions with the hwang was not as trouble as people would have expected. minwoo was nice to him in the minimalist and subtle ways he could be. reminder, the male did advise him not to drive a few seconds back.

removing the phone from his ear, not paying attention to whether the call had even connected to his brother, ansook focuses on the night breeze once he steps outside. “lets go home together.” the male speaks as if they were best of buddies. but his words slur and to be honest, he does not care. 

nonetheless, lost in his focus around minwoo, ansook finds himself balancing his phone, jacket and glass of rum. it takes a few seconds of struggling as he eventually loses the battle and brown orbs watch as both his phone and glass fall. “shit.” ansook mutters under his breath as the glass shatters against the concrete. some of his sobriety comes back as he crouches forward to pick up the pieces of his cup. he was trained to clean up after his messes. though, ansook draws a hiss when he feels a pierce. careless again, the male comes to realize he pricked himself. “sorry.” ansook mumbles. he could feel the guilt for his actions and briefly glanced at his index finger to notice a trickle of blood seep through.    

his phone starts ringing and jinho’s eyebrows raise in question, he nudges minnie’s furry butt with his sock clad foot and she whines being jostled once more she sits up and pounces off the couch to go sleep in her dog bed. jinho grabs his phone and notices ansook is calling him. even when he was out he managed to still want the company of his older brother around. next time he would be sure to remind him this the next time he whines about his lame older brother tagging along.

“hello?” he answers the phone and here’s a variety of sound from ansook’s end, the sound of voices calling to each other shouting over the obnoxious beat of whatever music is pumping through the club.  “ansook!” jinho speaks loudly into the phone trying to get his brothers attention, but it seems like he might have called him by mistake. given the state of his texts that was a more than likely scenario. he had been on the receiving end of many of his drunk calls.

jinho is about to hang up when he hears a clatter of noise, it startles him as he withdraws the phone from his ear, the sounds of glass shattering pierces his ears and he hears a bit of distress through the line, jinho straightens up becoming alert. “ansook? ansook are you okay! ansook!” he is yelling into the phone trying to get his brothers attention, his voice is a bit muffled and jinho stands up. he tries to remain calm he’s sure his brother is okay, but at the same time he’s cursing himself for not remembering where his own sibling told him where he was going for the night. he lowers his phone from his ear and opens his messages and types out.

(-ansookie: Ansook, where are you? I’ll come get you.)

the undesirable mix of embarrassment and gratitude that was brewing in her chest when her hair was being held back was an odd feeling. a glance to the side caught her by surprise, seeing cha jinho by her side to lend her a helping hand instead of her own brother was not something she expected. but she didn’t have the time nor the desire to be picky about which one of them was going to play her good samaritan. fact was that in reality she was the one having to battle whatever was causing her to see the world upside down. it wasn’t like jinri didn’t appreciate the older’s soothing words but at the moment she felt like she was never going to feel okay ever again. she replied to minwoo’s question with more unappetitzing noises as her stomach showed no signs slowing down. the acid was starting to burn her throat, tears started rolling down her cheeks and nose, dripping off the tip onto the ground. the random assumption jinho was throwing out in the air made jinri prick up her ears. it was the first ( and quite frankly, in her eyes the only plausible ) thought that had come to her mind as well. as both, a vampire and a young adult she knew her limits and she was very, very, very far from having them crossed even remotely on that particular night. hoping that jinho had a secure grip on her hair she let go of it to free her hand and pointed at the oldest cha. now all she had to go was to beg, to send an instant prayer to whoever was up there for minwoo not to misunderstand this gesture. it was the only way she could agree with jinho’s suspicion but she also knew it could very much look like she was accusing him. ‘please’, she thought while coughing up chunks. great, there was her lunch. 'do not misunderstand this, hwang minwoo.’

jinho watches as jinri points a shaking finger at him, and all he could gather was perhaps she was in agreement with his statement that someone had tampered with her drinks inside of the bar. he just hoped for his sake minwoo wasn’t taking her indication to mean that he was the one to commit such a heinous act. he grew more concerned with jinri still vomiting the contents of her stomach out into this alley. he throws a glance at minwoo. “from what i can gather and judging by your sisters state, i believe that is what happened. if that’s the case all we can do is let whatever the symptoms she’s experience ride out, and well.. i half a mind to go in there and find whoever did this.” jinho says lowly.

          IT SEEMED SCARIER THAN WHAT IT probably was — ahyoung had prepared herself for the day where university would no longer be a part of her everyday life, yet the thought of now having other responsibilities to tend to was overwhelming even for her. it wasn’t like she was completely unaccustomed to it, though. she had felt that responsibility over her sisters since the day they had been born, the weight of being the oldest only growing as the years passed. never once had she complained though. it was a burden she was privileged to carry.

it was a liberating feeling to have finished her education, and she was more than happy to spend the night in jinho’s company rather than out with people she felt no connection to. jinho and ahyoung, as the oldest siblings of their families, both knew the duties that came with it, even if jinho bore considerably more of it than ahyoung did — she wished, sometimes, she could carry the weight with him.

«if we’re lucky, he’ll never notice,» the oldest song sister chuckled, giving jinho a carefree smile. minwoo was the least of her worries — truth be told, the hwang heir was seldom a worry to her at all. «and even if he did, i’m sure he wouldn’t mind. well, if you put the blame on me anyway.» there was confidence in her tone as she said so, and she took a sip of her wine as she leaned back in her seat. «i’m happy to be spending this moment with you,» she admitted with a content sigh. «it feels right, somehow.»

jinho takes a long sip of the wine, enjoying the taste of the beverage but not nearly as much as he enjoyed the company of ahyoung besides him. from childhood she had always been a steady presence besides him, the two of them going through their schooling together, both of them sharing similar ideals with each other. their companionship had always been an amicable one, she was reliable and someone that the two of them could lean on. 

the horror in jihyun’s face when jinho had politely ordered her not to bring any sweets along to his little tea time arrangement was unmatched. the second he had uttered the invitation the bae matriarch had started arranging an assemble of exquisite baked goods in her head which she was going to make all herself, of course. it wasn’t that she didn’t put full trust in his ability of orchestrating an enjoyful afternoon tea, she just loved impressing people around her with her small miraculous baked inventions. maybe it was a good idea in the end, a servant her entire life ( a noble one, of course, but still a servant nontheless ) being served was quite a change from time to time. the very second she saw jinho in that creamy sweater with the golden bird opening its wings wide across to soar, undeniable pride started to swell in her chest. he surely made no mistake wearing it today when it was a carefully chosen gift by yours truly. she had already forgotten on which trip to which country she bought it for him, all she knew was that it absolutely screamed jinho. now on top of that knowledge she knew he looked beyond stellar in it. “hello, my love”, she greeted him with a gentle smile, putting down her bag to match his movement and embrace him for a heartfelt hug. she pulled back after a few moments, hands on his strong shoulders to look him up and down. the way she had to bend her neck was just another reminder of how much he had grown. “my, my. look at you! i’m so happy the sweater fits you so well. you look absolutely regal.” her eyes fall onto the gifted tea set, neatly arranged next to the beloved macaroons carefully placed in the box. jihyun nearly gasped. he didn’t show it often but he really knew her inside out. jihyun never made it an issue to demand things she preferred, everything she had and everything she did was for her boys. so this thoughtful little reception brought tears to her eyes. “you really didn’t have to do this”, she said, undeniably with a shaky voice.

jinho beams at his aunt’s compliment. there was no denying the love and warmth that radiated outwards from bae jihyun. the woman his family had put their trust into raising him and his younger brother. there was nothing he felt he could do to repay the woman who took him in and raised him with the same love she gave to her own biological son. he always enjoyed the time they were able to spend together. it seemed he saw less of his aunt especially after he decided to move back home. jinho takes a moment to stretch out his arms to fully display his sweater after they pull away from their embrace. “well i only look regal because of your impeccable taste auntie.” he says with sincerity. 

the male stares at the ground beneath him. his legs dangle at the edge of the roof. if jinho were to ever see his brother sitting up on top of their house, wasting time on a day that meant everything to the oldest cha– ansook sighs, feeling the disappointment. he knows he should start moving. moreso, he knows he should have already been standing in front of his brother but ansook could not find himself to move. he drops his head with a sigh. feelings that he could not express suffocates him and he comes to find hate for himself.

’do it for your brother.’ his mind yells at him. also disappointed. upon the thought, ansook glances down to see his phone. the name of ‘cha jinho’ again taking over his screen. hes selfish, it seems. or perhaps still immature, unable to handle his emotions as fingers reach over to switch off his phone. he needs another five seconds but the time continues to add when he remembers his brother’s face. ’he’s waiting for you!’ and ansook refuses to pull on the frown that tugs his lips. he needs to go. it was time. 

returning back to his feet, the youngest cha ignores the way the roof tiles feel unstable underneath his shoes and glances down at the ground. “ 3 ” he speaks in a hush tone as ansook leaps off the edge. in a mere second hes back on the concrete. (since his youth, he was known for playing around like a monkey and as proven, it becomes beneficial.) he claps his hands together while brown orbs direct to the front of the house. feeling the itch to run away becomes prominent but ansook shakes his head. he loves his brother far too much for that. “ 2 ” he then utters as he steps closer towards the door.

silence becomes his first response when he enters the house. nevertheless, that dies fast as footsteps echo in seconds. “ and 1, ” ansook whispers as his stare reunites with a displeased brother. “ hey! sorry, my phone died and i totally forgot. ”

jinho expels a breath seeing his brother standing there minnie clamoring around his legs trying to get the younger brothers attention. “minnie, return to the living room.” he orders the dog, her ears perking up at being addressed by her owner the small dog trots away from ansook back into the living room. normally a scene like this would have warmed his heart but right now he was in no mood to entertain the idea of the dog playing with his younger brother. 

“you forgot?” jinho echos ansook’s statement, his frustration is seething beneath the surface as he tries to keep his composure. “you simply forgot today was the anniversary of our parents death?” he says through a clenched jaw. on all the days for his brother to be so careless. he tried to make sense he knew it wasn’t any easy day for either of them, perhaps more so for himself than for ansook. however never in the last two decades had his brother just so flippantly addressed him on the day like it had been something simple like one forgets to turn off the TV at night. 

could have done something—? her mind is in a state of disarray, trying to puzzle together every piece to make sense of it all. what could he have done, at the age he’d been back then? it doesn’t take too long before she fully understands, and soon her stomach plummets, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. he’s blaming himself, she realizes. he’s keeping the files because he’s blaming himself. oh. oh, no. “hey…” her voice is barely above a whisper, wanting to tell him it’s okay, but somehow not quite finding the words. how long has he lived with this guilt, this self-condemnation? since the day it happened, most likely. she can’t imagine what that’s like. it must’ve been hell, a never-ending torment. her chest is squeezing impossibly tight, a lump in her throat. she feels ridiculously bad – not just for reading his private files so carelessly but also for causing what must be his worst memory to resurface.

he starts to apologize and, uncharacteristically, she abruptly moves forward, not a moment’s hesitation as she cups his face between her hands to obtain his attention. “hey. no— jinho, look at me. don’t apologize. you have nothing to be sorry for.” there’s the ara he’d know best: insistent, demanding. the look in her eye is far from the gentleness she’d displayed before, because if there’s anything she needs him to believe in right now, it’s her. “it’s not your fault. none of it.” she’s leaving no room for him to disagree. she won’t hear it. “you were so young! a child. you couldn’t have done anything.” frowning, she lets go of him but only to wrap her arms around his shoulders instead, pulling him in for a tight hug. she doesn’t know if he even wants her comfort right now, but it feels like the right thing to do. “i’m sorry. it’s not your fault.”

there’s a tightness in his chest when the feelings begin to hit him all at once, the guilt the grief, all of it pressing like a weight on top of his shoulders. he can’t fall apart not here, not in front of ara. there was a reason he kept all of this up behind the barriers. jinho wouldn’t burden ara with his emotions. her words are falling on his ears his eyes averted from hers because he knows, he knows as a child there was nothing he could do, surely the level e vampire would have killed him in a matter of seconds. it didn’t change that he felt like there was more he could have done, that he was always falling short in every way possible. all these people depend on him and he has nothing of worth to show for his parents sacrifice. he was alive and doing nothing except living in the hollowed memory of their lives. 

a big, fake gasp hurried across jinri’s face. big eyes, mouth wide open and covered with her free hand, all movements halted for a few seconds. only after she allowed jinho to intake the entire drama of her performance, she eased her muscles again. “did … cha jinho just … curse?!” how very unroyal of a king. alleged king. supposed king. whatever. she crouched slightly as if hiding from someone, looking left and right, squinted eyes making sure they were alone. “you sure your aunty isn’t around to hear that? i think she would scold you.” only now she realizes how much more at peace she felt with jinho around. she wasn’t entirely sure if it was for the fact that he didn’t treat her like a child or joke or both - or if they were just getting incredibly high. she had serious troubles wiping that big grin off of her face, it was constantly engraved into her skin by now. not her fault everything about jinho was just so damn amusing. “you’re not boring”, she said after straightening herself once more. and she meant every word. “my brother would never do this with me. he would rather rat me out to precious mommy.” she couldn’t conceal a hint of bitterness in her voice. if jinri in her sober, non-high state was raw and real, this jinri was the rawest and realest. she could already hear minwoo’s voice in the back of her head, scolding her for letting a cha into the inner workings of the family. “anyway, your turn! try again!” her voice was brighter now, handing jinho the cigarette once more.

jinho’s eyes widen briefly at the mention of his aunt, his as he tries to see if maybe she had spotted her. he lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes his aunt is nowhere in sight.”don’t say that... she could totally kill me.”  imagine if she had seen him in this state, she would be less than thrilled for sure. jinho shrugs. “please i’m hardly a king, i’m not even a prince...”he kicks the grass lightly with the tip of his dress shoes. he flicks his eyes up at the sky blinking at the way they seem to be shining just a bit brighter.

his mind is calm for once and he takes a long moment to appreciate the silence for once. his thoughts always racing and never giving him a moment to truly just enjoy what was around him. being high really changes your perspective, he notes for a thought to have a later date. jinri in his company made the experience all the more easy, perhaps he was too accustomed to minwoo’s snarky disposition but the company of the younger hwang was far more enjoyable he should make a note to seek her company more often even while sober.