This week I was supposed to open the calendar and find a date for dinner with friends I have been wanting to have over for too long.
I was also supposed to find and book tickets to Israel.
And yes, I'm very busy. But that wasn't the reason.
The reason is that whenever I think about anything like this, a second sentence arrives.
My what if revolves mostly around my chronic headaches. They come unannounced and an attack can last hours.
Most of the time I'm fine. Then sometimes I'm not, and there is no warning and no reason and no way to move it.
But what if it happens the day they'll come for dinner.
But what if traveling triggers it hours before I can get to a room and hide until it passes.
The hardest part is not the pain.
It's that I used to be a person who just said yes.
Big plans or small, I added anything I wanted to the calendar with no second sentence, no but what if.
I'm telling you this because I know a lot of people have their own version of this.
Something that quietly takes away the freedom they wish they had - to make plans, to live, to make the decisions they want, to feel freer in this world.
Something your body does.
Someone who needs you more than they used to.
Something that happened to you once and never fully left.
Something you have stopped explaining to people.
A thing nobody sees when you show up smiling.
And maybe like me, you don't say yours out loud because it sounds like an excuse. And you hate sounding like an excuse.
I know this one. It is not an excuse.
But I also know what happens if we let the second sentence decide.
The calendar would stay empty. The friends would stay unseen. The trip would never happen. And life would get smaller and smaller.
So this weekend I'm opening the calendar.
And yes, it feels very unnatural having to force myself into the things I truly want to show up for. And yes, sometimes I'll have to cancel them. Both cost me.
But the version of me that stops planning is a much bigger loss.
If you're looking at a calendar with a second sentence sitting next to every square, pick one. Just one.
I'll be working on my one this weekend.