i’ve had a good time in london - rode the tube, stomped about a bit, the usual sort of stuff. went to camden market, went to a few pubs, watched the rugby, saw some celebs doing their london fashion week things.

wow, london is such a weird place for me. it’s oddly familiar from the time i spent here about 7 years ago with an ex - but it has changed loads since then, and so have i. add in trauma brain and it’s a whole other thing.

there’s some stations that whenever i ride through them, i can almost see myself stood on the platform being berated, or wandering round the hallways in tears, like some sort of film montage. there are also those moments of awe and feeling like you’re in a bubble where nothing else matters apart from all the love you had. it’s a very unusual thing. i used to be terrified to see them whenever i came to london, but now that thought doesn’t cross my mind. i more don’t want to see that version of myself.

back to good ole bristol later today. i’ve not cared much for bristol lately but i’m looking forward to being home and running on my own schedule. i’m also looking forward to being in a position to maybe look towards the future and make some plans or get things organised; idk.

i had to move seats twice because they didn’t honour the seat reservations even though i paid for one which is kinda lame. no doubt this whole journey will be plagued with thoughts of the £2 i wasted.

i’m listening to therapy gecko while on my journeys. some of the things they talk about bore me, but sometimes you get one where you really feel invested in the individuals story and hope that they’re okay. i was listening to one the other day while i was walking through a graveyard (i know) and it was that time of evening where the sun is about to go down so is suddenly so bright. it made me cry and my breathing felt tight in my throat (and not in the asthmatic way). the ones i’ve listened to so far on the coach have not evoked anywhere near the same feelings.

i’m a bit tired as i’ve done a bit of socialising. i went to a gig yesterday evening - my friend james from home was in town playing a gig. we catch up every few years and it’s always nice. he always emphasises to people that i am one of his best friends in the whole world. it’s nice that someone can feel that way about you even when you don’t speak or see each other all that often. the gig was pretty fun - the music was good and it was nice being at a gig on my own and having a nice time. i feel like i’ve not really done that in a long time. it left me feeling like i might go to another gig soon, one that i really want to go to, just because. it would be good for me to spend a bit more time by myself anyway, i think?

i get exhausted so quickly these days when it comes to socialising. i can’t really do more than one or two nights a week of time with people without feeling absolutely drained. i kind of like that i’m more of a homebody, but i miss that part of who i was as it was a time when i felt more included and like i had more people around me.

but this weekend i’ll hang out with my sister and i’ll see the rugby and i’ll go to expensive bars and all of that sort of stuff. and it’ll be fun!

i’ve been feeling pretty nostalgic lately and having a lot of retrospective thoughts, which is probably why i ended up here in the first place and am over sharing like crazy. either way; anyone who is seeing it - thanks for hearing me. i hope you’ve had a good week and have good things planned for the weekend.

be back soon, probably!

p.s here’s a recent photo of me and james. we take them together every so often so we can see ourselves growing up together. it’s nice