pure;

Leah wondered if she’d ever find a picturesque, movie sort of love. Lord knows she didn’t see any kind of it growing up, not in real life at least, and the fairytales she grew to love then hate were just that...fairytales. Yet, watching Britton gawk carefully over Koby’s belongings, pining for the perfect items that really captured his essence, Leah saw that movie sort of love finally take place. Britton’s eyes radiated warmth and sadness at the same time. All hope, all crushed dreams - it brought water to Leah’s dark brown eyes again too. As a polaroid fell out of the pillow case in Britton’s hands, Leah let out a small, surprised noise of her own. In a world of crude, degrading men, Koby really was Heaven-sent. He was the World’s Best Brother - caring, resourceful, kind to his core, and funny beyond belief. Though Leah’s chest ached, she was happy he at least got to experience some true love and happiness with Britton before he passed. “He really loved you too,” She was able to choke out, taking a deep breath, “He’d always text me and tell me he couldn’t believe a girl as beautiful as you would ever look his way. He promised me we’d go to the movies, you know, the three of us. He really wanted us to meet,” Leah shuffled over to Koby’s bed and though she wanted to sit, she didn’t want to ruin anything about it either, so she stayed standing, “I think he secretly wanted my approval since me and Crosby were the only two siblings not here yet – Oh, I approve, by the way,” A smile crept onto Leah’s face as she wiped more tears from her cheeks, gently nudging Britton’s shoulder, “I definitely approve…and thank you…for just loving him.” 

All of my life, I was told what to wear, how to style my hair, what products to put on my face. I was told where to be and when, and I showed up. I never tried anything different. I never strayed from the path I was so clearly on. Whites. Baby pinks. Baby blues. Pastel greens and. yellows and purples. Never red. Never black. No dark colors. Blonde hair. Always straightened or curled. A low bun was okay, braids on special occasions, no pony tails, pigtails, or hats. A pair of stud earrings, a dainty necklace. No bracelets, no rings except the purity ring that every young Plumfeld girl donned on her ring finger. Church. Home. The Pastor’s house for a Bible study. The grocery store to help the First Lady prepare a meal. Nine AM. Eleven AM. Seven PM. Five-thirty PM.

I thought of all of these things, sitting in my desk chair. I felt like a young girl living in Ms. Nora’s house, but in a good kind of way. I felt like I was growing up in the way typical girls did. A room with posters on the walls, pen and marker markings on the top of their desk, bags and jackets and shoes piled up in every corner. Since arriving at Ms. Nora’s, I had transformed from my braids-and-low-buns, white-and-pastel skirts and blouses to air-dried hair, bare-face, reds-and-blacks jeans and tube tops. Granted, I loved my curled hair, made-up, baby-blue dress self as well. But here, no one told me what to do. 

I kissed Caiden in Hawaii, and though it had been months and we had kissed a dozen times since, it still made me giddy to think about. He sat on my bed, and I in my desk chair. He was reading a book, and I was writing my thoughts in my journal. I caught a glimpse of Evie that sat on my desk. She was getting so big. Nearly thirteen now, and somehow, she still felt like my baby. I missed her every day, but I knew it was better for her where she was. She had grown so much. She was too little--one of Pastor’s youngests. 

I didn’t go unscathed in Plumfeld. Pastor had some unmentionable moments with me, and the shame that had built up around it prevented a lot from happening in my current life. I sometimes wondered what my life would be like if I had stayed, what Pastor Plumfeld’s abuse would have turned into, and what Branson would be like running the town. I’m sure much better than his father. Though Branson was raised by a monster, he was a good man of faith. It was one of his most redeeming qualities. 

I looked over at Caiden, and nudged him with my foot. He looked at me, and I looked at him. I gave him a small grin, and he leaned in to kiss me. We had just watched Sweet Home Alabama the night previous. My favorite part was when the kid-versions of Melanie and Jake are talking, and she asks what he would want to marry her for, anyhow. And he says, “So I can kiss you anytime I want.” That’s how I felt about Caiden. He was a sweet boy, and my therapist was trying to convince me that I deserved a sweet boy while acknowledging the fact that I had a sweet boy before him and that it’s okay to move on. 

“I wanna do something a little crazy,” I said to him. His eyes lit up, but before I could say anything, I went on, “I want to dye my hair brown.”

It wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. I had thought this all out. I had discussed it with my therapist. Everything, my entire life, had been controlled. I had been dying my hair blonde since I was a little girl to ensure that I kept up the “look” Pastor Plumfeld held for me, and I was done with it. I didn’t want it anymore. That version of Britton died with my parents that night. No matter how hard I tried being the same girl I was, how long and how hard I held onto my relationship with Branson, I couldn’t make it work. Because in my life, there was a Before and an After. My body was living in the After, but my spirit and my soul hadn’t quite caught up. 

“I already booked an appointment with the lady that does Ree’s hair,” I said. 

Without my license, I got in the passenger side of Caiden’s car. He drove me to the salon, waited with me while the dye set, watched as my hair was trimmed and then styled. I actually forgot he was there a couple of times. I kept great conversation with the hair stylist, which I was proud of myself for. When she was done, she turned the chair around and I had a Princess Mia moment. (I had watched the Princess Diaries the week earlier with Ree and Alice!) I ran up to Caiden, who was sitting in the waiting area, and I threw my arms around his neck, kissed him on the mouth, and gave him a little squeeze. 

“You look beautiful,” he said. 

“I know,” I beamed. “This is so much more me.”

That jean jacket was just so…him…Wave wanted to keep it around so it was…um, so it was like he was still around too.

You should have something, you know, um…was anything that’s still around his room extra special to you?

Britton could remember how he laughed and how he smelled. She remembered feeling safe with him for the first time in her life. Britton peeked into Koby’s room and glanced around. She remembered he had bought a t-shirt from the ice cream place they went on their first date. She opened the drawers to see if she could find it and it was there, on the top, still folded perfectly. “He only bought this because I said he’d look good in the pink tie-dye.” Then she plucked one of the pillows off his bed. She knew it would stop smelling like him eventually, but she’d at least still feel close to him from it. “I think this is all.” And a polaroid picture of them fell out of the pillow case and fluttered to the floor. “Oh,” a gasp escaped her. “I really loved him, Leah.”

Oh. I’m…do you have something of his? Maybe if you had something of his, it’d made you less sad. 

Caiden was the kid who always got in trouble during class for the faces and comments he would make. Sometimes, it wasn’t intentional. He’d roll his eyes if a teacher said something out of context or stupid and end up getting detentions. He’d show it right on his lips how he was feeling about his friends or other adults in certain situations just by the way he’d smile or keep a straight, close-lipped look. And when he liked a girl - Caiden’s cheeks didn’t lie. He blamed his mom and her Irish roots. His cheeks would flame up redder than a cherry and become warm to the touch. He’d had so many experiences growing up when girls would comment on him “blushing” and the first time he and Colbie hooked-up, it’s all she joked and giggled about for the rest of their night.

Caiden really, really liked Britton and as she pealed out of her shorts and shirt to reveal a teeny-tiny turquoise bikini, he felt his cheeks preparing to expose him. Even a sun tan couldn’t hide the pinkness, and while he was a little embarrassed, he knew he couldn’t do anything but embrace it. He couldn’t help it. He’d barely even seen Britton in her pajamas. This was new, exciting territory. So exciting that he had to pull his eyes away from her for a moment to keep anything from happening in his swim trunks. “Alright, I’m coming!” He smiled, pealing off his t-shirt and adjusting the rim of his navy blue swim trunks. His bottoms weren’t that fascinating. Before they left for Hawaii, Eli, Caiden and the other guys did a little “bros day” with some shopping involved and Atti had convinced Caiden to buy a few different swim trunks that were shorter. Atti insisted that shorter shorts on guys were cool, and so Caiden went with a six inch inseam instead of shorts down to his knees like he normally did. He noticed Britton eyeing him as he waded into the natural pool, and he made a mental note to thank Atti on the fashion advice later.

Caiden and Britton had been taking things slow. He would wait until she was ready and when she was, he’d make sure she consented every step of the way. He was beginning to fall in love with her and all of her broken pieces, but he knew it would be too soon to admit that to anyone besides himself, so, he kept quiet. Though, as Britton wrapped her legs around him, whispering sweetness back for only the two of them to hear, Caiden wanted to profess his love for her out for the entire world to hear. He wasn’t thinking about whether he was good enough for her or what she was really thinking. He’d let any thoughts of Colbie subside and he wasn’t even enjoying the waterfall too much either. He was just enjoying her - Britton Sheppard - and she was a wonder of the world all on her own. “You know what? This is perfect…well, almost perfect,” Caiden took a deep breath, hearing Travis in his ear encouraging him to make a damn move already, “The only thing that’d make it absolutely perfect would be…if I could kiss you right now.” 

Britton had taken a liking to Caiden around Christmastime of the year before, but she was too scared to say anything to him. Once things started warming up in the northern parts of the country, Britton started spending a lot more time outside, and she remembered a day where the boys were too. She was playing with the little ones, making sure they weren’t getting hurt or doing anything too dangerous. Travis and Caiden and Atti were on a blanket in the back and they were all giggling and looking at her. She waved at them and watched all three boys turn red and hit each other. She thought it was silly, but it reminded her of all of the teen romance movies she binged the summer before. Ree told her to be flattered by it and that one of the guys, probably Caiden, was crushing on her. That made her stomach feel like glitter. 

Her stomach felt like glitter as the touched Caiden’s nearly nude body. With nothing but a few pieces of cloth between them, their bodies wet and warm from the sun, Britton herself turned pink. Being as pale as she was, when she blushed, her entire chest turned pink and her back got splotchy. Her mother used to think it was the mumps or the measles... though the Sheppards were some of the few children--if not the only children--in Plumfeld that were actually vaccinated. Britton ran a hand through Caiden’s wet hair. His hair used to be blond, but it was darker now. A lot of Britton’s brothers had hair that did that. They were born blond, and blond they stayed until about puberty. Though, Britton couldn’t tell if he had highlights or if it was just him getting older. 

“All of us girls liked how Maria made clothing out of the curtains.” 

“Out of curtains?” Caiden asked, turning his head towards Britton, “That’s kinda cool.”

He oftentimes forgot just how different his life had been from hers. Hell, from the entire Sheppard family. The pain and trauma that had been inflicted on Britton and her siblings was enough to make a grown man cry. Whereas Caiden got excited about big, blockbuster movies about killer sharks, Britton and her family reveled in a woman making clothing out of curtains. They were simple, it seemed, simple yet so, so complex all at once. Caiden couldn’t wrap his mind around cults. He’d like to tell himself that he wouldn’t be that impressionable to get pulled into one in the first place, but the truth was - he probably would. Well, he probably would’ve back a few years ago. A few years ago when he felt less loved by the family and more of an outcast. If a nice man promised him love and support in the woods - he would’ve up and left Brooksville in a heartbeat. And he supposed once you got in far enough - it would be too hard to leave and your own personal scale of what was right and what was not would probably be altered as well. He understood Mr. and Mrs. Sheppard even though he’d never met or knew them, and he admired their fearlessness. He knew by loving Britton and by watching out for her and her siblings, their deaths would never be in vain. It was the same reason he lived life for both he and his mother. He knew she’d be head over heels with Britton too, and she wouldn’t have any idea on how Caiden coupled up with a girl so beautiful. 

“Hey, w’ve got the biggest TV out of the entire house in our bedroom, did you realize that? It’s even bigger than Eli’s and he tried not to throw a hissy fit about it earlier, but he still kind of did,” Caiden said, helping Britton walk across some wobbly rocks as they transitioned from the beach to a denser tree area, “So, we’ll have to watch Lilo and Stitch tonight. You’ll love it. Maybe your siblings can watch it with us too. I think our beds big enough. And then Jaws another night. Zodi’ll like that one. And then maybe I’ll surrender and we can watch the Sound of Music. You know, for being a music guy, I never liked broadway stuff.” 

They trekked just a little while longer, exchanging playful conversation and hand squeezes here and there before finally reaching the waterfall. It wasn’t as large as the ones Bryce and Ryder promised to take them to see later on in the week, but it was still wonderful. It was secluded, and the only sounds Caiden could really hear was the rushing water and a few birds chirping up in the trees above them. It was all so green and fresh and Caiden felt like he was in The Jungle Book. He’d never seen that much beautiful greenery. Sure, Washington had forrest galore, but Hawaii was different. It was tropical and serene and enchanting. It felt like he’d stepped into an acrylic painting and he was speechless. “Wow…” He couldn’t help the smile on his face as he turned to Britton and wrapped an arm around her, planting a daring kiss on her temple, “It’s almost as gorgeous as you.” 

Britton didn’t always feel 100% comfortable with the boys in the house. Hell, even the girls in the house. With Caiden, she felt very comfortable, but sometimes when they were around Caiden’s friends, she clammed up again. There was something about Eli that was warm and inviting but still so intimidating and scary. In a weird sense, Eli reminded Britton of Pastor Plumfeld. It had to have been the charisma or the charm. And Britton was aware that Eli was a better human being, but when Caiden mentioned Eli throwing a hissy fit about not having a big enough TV it made Britton giggle. Of course he threw a fit, and Britton was sure he was upset about not being in charge of one of the houses. Britton liked the house that she and Caiden were assigned, and they were able to have the master bedroom because of it. She liked the big room and the big bed and the big TV. It was all so exciting. It was exciting to be there with Caiden. She wondered what was going to happen between them while on vacation. She bit into her bottom lip to hide her giddiness. 

“I’ll see if Rebel and Zion wanna come up and watch. Maybe Reb will bring the other Little Girls. I’m not sure Sunny or Ilia or Salley Kate would want to... and I’m sure Jaci will be preoccupied with Kelsie and Zodi anyways. I think Kelsie and Zodi are about to be a little couple, but don’t tell anyone I said that.” Britton giggled. Though she’d never admit it, she was glad to have some space from Cal. They had lived in the same house their entire lives, and it wasn’t until Nora’s that they started butting heads. Britton loved Oaklyn, and sometimes watching Cal and Maisie made her heart hurt. Watching Ilia and his pick of the week made her heart hurt for Callan. She was just generally annoyed with both of her brothers, but mostly Cal. He was frustrating and irritating and lowkey controlling. He was sweet and he was a great big brother, but sometimes it was overbearing. Girls in Plumfeld were taught to bite their tongues and submit to the men in their families, and Britton had been abiding by that her whole life. To her father. To Matty. To Cal. To Branson. It was hard unlearning all of these rules. 

Growing up as an only son to a single mother, Caiden oftentimes didn’t have what his classmates had. He never had the cool shoes or the cool sweatshirts. His stuff was never name-brand and when it was - it was a lower one that would make the other kids scoff on the playground. He was a dweeb. Shy, and not too smart either. He was the kind of kid who sat and ate his PB&J at lunch and just flew under the radar. He had a few friends who rode his bus and were in the same position as him, but other than that, he didn’t talk a lot to his classmates - and especially not to girls. As Caiden walked hand in hand with Britton along the beach, sand slipping into his flip-flops and the wind blowing his hair a little wildly, he thought of his younger self and grinned. He was doing good for himself. Hell, he was doing great for himself, and he knew his mom would be proud of him. Then he thought of Bethany Carmine. When Caiden was in the seventh grade, Bethany Carmine was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. One day, he mustered up the courage to ask her out during their study hall. He remembered having sweaty palms and shoving them in his pockets as he approached her table and then he asked, “Hey, Bethany. Do you want to meet up at the park later?” In the seventh grade, meeting up at the park was a date, especially if it was at dusk. Bethany Carmine laughed in Caiden’s face. As a twelve year old little boy, he was heartbroken. He didn’t know if he’d ever “love” a girl as much as he’d loved and crushed on brown-haired Bethany Carmine ever again. Now, Caiden was so thankful Bethany had broken his heart. And he was thankful for every other girl that hadn’t given him the time of day either because they’d all led him to now. They’d all led him to Britton Sheppard and she was something little Caiden would never believe. “Okay,” Caiden smiled, his heart skipping a beat. He looked down at the sand for a moment to prevent his cheeks from becoming rosy, but he was sure they had anyways. “We should watch Jaws before bed tonight. I feel like that’s what you have to do when you’re in Hawaii just to freak yourself out, you know? Or Lilo and Stitch. That’s probably the better choice,” He squeezed her hand, excited almost to the point of breathlessness that they were sharing a bed for the entire trip, “Have you ever seen either of ‘em?” 

In Plumfeld, Britton was destined to be married to Branson Plumfeld, and she was set to become the next First Lady of Plumfeld. She was practically a Princess, and people treated her like royalty. Well, people outside her home. At home, she was just Britton, and she was expected to keep up with daily chores and activities. As the oldest girl, she was to help her mother in child rearing. She was finally coming into her own when Bunny was born, and she and the tiny baby that was born in the home were instantly bonded. Gossipers said that Evie was Britton’s “bastard child” and was being raised as her sister, but Britton’s public appearances never stopped and she remained thin. Though, jealous gossips were always going to have something to say. 

Despite being set to marry Branson, they weren’t to show any sort of public affection in town-wide events. They could walk together, hold hands, but they weren’t to hug or to kiss. Britton had rules about what she was and was not allowed to wear, say, eat, or do. She and Branson could go on dates, kiss, hug, hold hands, but they weren’t to go any further. Britton was to remain a virgin until her wedding night, and while she was never assaulted by Pastor Plumfeld, she did have monthly checks of her hymen to make sure she was still a virgin. The purity culture in Plumfeld was hard to process and overcome once she got to Brooksville, and it wasn’t until Branson officially called off the engagement until she realized she didn’t have to do any of the things or abide by any of the rules they had in place at home. 

Holding Caiden’s hand on the beach was liberating, and knowing she could kiss him at any moment was freeing. With Koby, things were easy and juvenile, almost. He made their first time so special, and while Britton did deal with guilt and shame afterward, she could rest easy knowing it was both of their first times. Britton was still relatively inexperienced. Koby died shortly after their relationship began, and she was absolutely torn. Caiden was the first boy she allowed herself to get close to afterward. She knew Caiden was more experienced. He had other girlfriends--Bryce, about four years back, and maybe even Colbie, but she hadn’t asked about that in a while. She had no reason to believe they were still seeing each other, but she did know things were complicated with them. 

Before Caiden watched Eli and Atti climb to success and travel on private jets and airplanes with them - he’d only ever been on a plane once before. He was a young boy and his mom saved up all of her money so he could go to Florida for a baseball tournament with his team. Watching the excitement of the Sheppards’ and some of the other kids who had never been on vacations before brought back that same giddiness in Caiden. He was excited for Hawaii, genuinely, and a part of him hoped that the beauty of the scenery, food and culture would help he and Britton grow even closer.  “I think we have to see some, right? I mean, it’s so beautiful here it almost looks fake. Dolphins would just make perfect sense.” He smiled, reaching for Britton’s hand and tangling his fingers in hers as they walked down the beach, “I bet there’s a place where you can even swim with ‘em around here. Knowing Gage, he probably already set it up. But, if he hasn’t, I will for you,” Caiden tried to shoot his shot, “Or us. Yeah, us. We can go swim with some dolphins. How’s that sound?”