luster

6 things you’ll expect me to do if we end in bad terms but won’t

I’ll delete all of our messages. Ha, yeah right. No way am I deleting months’ worth of wonderful story sharing and goofing around. Just because I don’t love you anymore, doesn’t mean I never did. Those conversations will be my reminder of how things used to be, of how we used to be and I’d love to go back to that from time to time.

I’ll unfollow, unfriend, and/or block you on social media. Nope, sorry. You may do that to me but I’d still like to know how you’re doing. I don’t want to act as if you never existed because you did and you still do. Late at night, I’d like to see how you’ve been feeling lately. I want to see if your tweets are getting happier or if you’re as sad as I am. I still want to see your mom’s Facebook photos because she’s lovely and I never wanted her to get hurt. Then again, I never wanted you to get hurt either but here we are, expecting the worst from each other.

I’ll exclude your friends from my life and cut ties with them. If your friends are pleasant and warm, I’d love to stay acquainted as long as they’ll have me. I won’t jeopardize my friendships and relationships with others just because ours didn’t work out.

I’ll stop going to the places we shared memories in. I’m going to keep going there as long as I want because I strongly believe it’s possible to not just fall in love with people but also with places.

I’ll return your comfy hoodies and ratty old caps. I won’t give them back solely because these are what you were wearing when you were still the person my heart thought it needed.

I’ll talk crap about you to other people. Unless circumstances require it, I’d much rather prefer to keep my mouth shut. But if I ever find myself in a particular position that asks me to express what I think of you, I’ll say you’re worth getting to know. Because you are. I enjoyed the times you’ve opened up to me and felt the privilege of really knowing you. A privilege that has now become a sadness. Yes, a sadness but not a mistake.

I will tell you of our love story-to-be. We will meet in the most typical way. We will be friends with one person who will make us friends with each other. When we see each other for the first time, you will feel no sparks or immediate chemistry because I am not the type of girl who yields that kind of reaction from anyone. No. I am the girl you wave to, maybe nod and smile at as you draw your attention to everyone else in the room. I am the girl you meet but won’t try to get to know. And it seems impossible that we become anything more than casual friends but the universe is very good at miracles. So good that it decided that you are to be mine. Circumstances will cause us to speak to each other more often. It will be very ordinary. I will say hello. You will say hi. A conversation of mundane topics and subjects will start the chain of what is to be our colorful and bridging road of communication. We will start to get more comfortable. Once that happens, we start to go deeper. I will ask you how your mom is doing, then I will ask about her love story; about how she met your dad, about the mistakes they made, the ones we will try to avoid committing. We will think our own tale will surpass theirs because in our heads, we know better. Oh but how wrong we will be. In return, you will ask me where I want to go to college then you will ask me of my dreams. And knowing myself, I will say them all to you. Because within the walls of my naïve and clumsy heart, I know that you will be part of my dream and eventually all of it.   Like vines that cling to a weathered wall, I will find myself attached to you. When I wake, I will try to hear the sounds of your voice. When I walk, I will picture you beside me. When I eat, I will think of the meals we will eat together. When I breathe, I am reminded that every breath I take is a moment closer to being with you once again. Do not be alarmed for it will not flood you. It will all happen gradually, as it should. A majestic mountain begins with a small pile of dirt on the ground and nature allows it to reach its grandiose potential.  We may be the Everest of love stories or the hill on the side of the road, but I will love us no matter the outcome. We will be what we will be not for the sake of what others will see when on our summit. Our love will not be for the joy of others but for the sanity of our own hearts because somewhere, up there, someone thinks we deserve this. Despite the flaws of my person, someone believes I deserve you. However wrong that may be, right it shall feel.

From there, it could go two ways. The realistic one being that everything we’ve spent all our time and effort building will crumble, brick by brick. You’ll say one thing and I’ll understand it as something else. I’ll do this and you’ll do that. I will spit fire while you turn cold as ice. We are everything to each other and then nothing at all. I will hurt and you might also but we’ll be too prideful to admit anything. One will hold on then the other will let go because nothing good lasts forever. And I will cry and argue and scream at the skies because nothing good lasts forever but you and I, we weren’t good. Oh God, we were great. We were great but not forever. And I will be dumb to think we were.