Brickle and Fickle

I began writing fanfictions as a way to express my authentic self since I cannot do so in real life. It gave me a great sense of accomplishment to write stories, especially when people gave me positive comments/kudos. If anyone out there has ever left me love on my fanfics, thank you immensely, ily, I think about you a lot. I apologize if my replies aren’t up to par as I upkeep privacy/this account is my haven. Even though it seems like I never post, make no mistake that I am constantly writing and re-writing my fanfictions. Things only get posted when I am inevitably satisfied after my endless tweezing and pruning (However make no mistake that I am a hobbyist at the end of the day). I try my best to finish writing all my posted fanfics, so if you are waiting on my next chapter, sit tight for a long while.

“So, why the hiatus knuckle-nuts?” Well, because I can’t live like this anymore. Spending all my downtime at my job and at-home writing fanfic can’t go on for me. It’s not that I’m burnt out, hell no bro. I’d love to just pursue my passions and hobbies in an small town for the rest of my life. It’s just … I can’t let my living situation continue. Where I long to be free, I am instead dependent on people who allegedly ‘love’ me but don’t want me to grow or change. Think of this post as someone performatively throwing their vape into a glass of water. It’s more for me than it is for you. I have to change. I don’t have a lot of free time, so something needs to give. My plan is to study for my LSAT and then go to law school next year. I’ve saved a bit a money from my job, and I thought I would stay longer there but I can’t. I really wish I could, but I can’t.

If you want to know what really kicked me in the ass, I rewatched the ending to ‘I Saw The TV Glow’ while watching Nikki Carreon’s video. To be blunt … it sent me into a full mental breakdown. It made me admit that I’m not happy where I am in life; that my ideal self/life CAN exist, but I self-sabotage from being metaphorically suffocated day to day. The only conclusion that made sense to me was …

Even though my best friend doesn't know my fanfic username, shoutout to her for being the wind beneath my sails!!! I want to leave this post off with a deep-heartfelt ‘Thank You’ to my readers. While I plan on coming back, I’ve been raised to be fatalistic and treat every goodbye as if it’s my last. So incase I leave forever, know that my writings come from my soul; a saccharine desire for that kind of love to find me as well. If anyone ever needs a gentle push to act, all I can do is direct them to play Disco Elysium (edit by @/polnareffss).