The Brevet Chronicle

One thing that the Porch Reporter got correct was that Beverly and Byron Fisher (owners of the B&B Bistro) were hopping mad, but so was Ainsley Hayes. But that’s all the Porch Reporter got right according to them. The threesome issued this joint statement. 

Brevet is first and foremost a supportive community. When Ainsley Hayes conceived of the concept of a local food column. She approached Beverly and Byron Fisher first to inquire whether they would be interested in being the food column contributors before she approached the Chronicle with the idea. The B&B Bistro owners declined due to the amount of time and work the restaurant requires. However, they thought the concept was good and suggested that Ms. Hayes be the columnist instead. They were aware of Ms. Hayes’ love of cooking, and the multitude of cooking school classes she took over the years while working in the District of Columbia. The Porch Reporter column and tweet was not based on factual evidence, as are most of her rantings. We implore the Brevet Chronicle once and for all to end her column of lies!

Hello y’all. Town gossip reigns between the B&B Bistro and the Chronicle in this week’s Porch Report. I love that name so dang much. I catch myself just singing it through the house, and in the garden. Harold thinks I’m nuts. But secretly I think he’s jealous. You heard it here first! Just kidding. Let’s get to it Brevetarians. 

I heard that B&B Bistro owners, Beverly and Byron were madder than a snake who married a garden hose because Ainsely Hayes has been named the Chronicle’s food contributor. I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. No ma’am. Although no bodies really feeding me because I’m not get’in paid. I just don’t see what Ms. Ainsley’s former job in politics has to do be’in a recipe columnist. Except for eating lunches and dinners with a bunch of “fat cats” as they say? My...is that is what Beverly and Byron are think’n and why they’re so hot? 

As we all know Sissy Lipscolm’s mama put out a all points bulletin that after 12 years she couldn’t coordinate Brevet’s National Night Out (NNO) coming soon. Then she asked for someone to step in. Seem’d an okay ask until you kept read’n. She went on to complain that in all those years no one’s ever helped her. Her tone? Well let’s just say it was less than NNO coordinator material. 

Honey, you can’t want to be in charge of everything and get your panties in a bunch when you are. 

Brevet has faced a lot of challenges. That means Mayor Harrell Wilty’s has too. It started with Brevet’s stagnant growth in our tax base. This fact was met with the sudden resignation of Deputy Mayor, Earnestine Tidalbaum, which according to our sources, caused a virtual shut down in the Mayor’s office. Then the pandemic hit. But Mayor Wilty is optimistic. One could say that he needs to be. He faces a tough challenger in his “former mentee” Tidalbaum [his phrase not ours]. Mayor Wilty believes he can turn Brevet’s hard times around with man’s best friend. A town mascot to be precise, by a very recognizable name.

We caught up with Mayor Wilty to ask why he chose Finni the Westie as the town’s mascot. 

Immediate identification and relationship. Everyone knows Finni. He was the brother of our town’s unofficial mascot Henri the Labrador (DECD.) Finni embodies our town! He’s cute all the time. When the Shelton-Walczak’s finally get around to having him groomed, he’s down-right show dog material. Brevet is competition worthy too (despite what Country Living has got to say about it!). He’s also got an edge to him. Just like Brevet again! We’re edgy. Did you know he once just started biting the shoe of a valet just because he was there? He had never done that before! It makes me laugh every time I hear that story and think about that valet looking down and seeing the Fancy Feast dog trying to gnaw through his leather with each bite. We know in this town people have the ability to bite also, despite our reputation for being Minnesota “nice.

We asked Mayor Wilty what he thought an official town mascot would do for Brevet?

Finni is something all Brevetarians can bond with and rally around. Finni also has great editorial presence and appeal. Once we pair him with the perfect town motto our brand will be set. We’ll be ready to market for the tourism we so desperately need. 

We asked Mayor Wilty when he would release the town motto entries and when we would know the process of how the town motto would be chosen . 

Your generation always wants to know about process. When I was growing up, we trusted our leaders to make the right decisons for us. Where has our collective trust gone? You should ask yourself that, instead of implying that I have something to hide. Because that is what you are doing. Frankly, it’s insulting!

We could tell that we were going to get no where with this current line of questioning so we asked about how big a role tourism will play in November’s election. 

I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have been working on my thirty-five point tourism plan well before Earnestine [Tidalbaum] decided to Judas and run against me. It would not surprise me if she took her campaign “ideas” to increase tourism from me, since she was privy to my plan when she was deputy mayor. That reminds me. I need  IP protection on that.

It’s so good to be writing my column again. I missed y’all! And I know you missed me too (despite the lack of Get Better Soon cards). With Covid being done and all (at least for us with the good sense God gave us to get vaccinated), I thought it proper to resume my porch report. Oh for heaven’s sakes! That’s what I’ll call it, The Porch Report. Sounds real official like somethin that would be on Fox News. Anyhow, I told Harold, ‘Harold it’s time to bring the chairs out to the porch. Summer is here and Covid is over!’ Harold just looked at me and muttered somethin, that sounded like “I couldn't even catch a plague.” I just ignored him. He complains every year bout going to the garage and bring’n out the porch furniture. 

The first thing I noticed is that y’all are everywhere, like the birds at the start of spring. Our town looked so good! Particularly since Litty Emry and her “Beautification” Board didn’t get their hands on nature for almost two years, This gave God time to re-perfect, what that Board did during Covid. Now I seen her out there. And well...we can pray for another pandemic.

I noticed them Jenkins boys runnin around near the pavilion shoot’n off some of those Nurf guns. Would someone please take them hunting! Let’s get somethin productive from them, like some pheasant, duck or grouse. In all seriousness, God to heart, I wonder if those boys’ vaccinations even took? I know their momma got them vaccinated by Dr. Hopper. But they got so much of the devil in them, that good might have been rejected. Brevetarians be cautious around them boys. 

As I was taken in all that was good I saw Ed Hopper and his lovely wife holding hands in the town square. Then I asked Harold why we never hold hands. I didn’t hear what he said. He mumbles so much! But it was good to see Ed. I had heard that he almost went bankrupt during Covid.  Wasn’t no one drive’n. To where? That gas station of his was really hit hard financially. But by the grace Jesus gives, I think they’re all right. Ed if you’re reading this, ”We love you!” 

Then I seen those uppity Hayes walk’n about, which is rare. Before the pandemic you know they hated to mingle with us common folks. We can only hope that God’s pandemic finally showed them that everyone’s equal in the eyes of the Lord. No amount of money was going to save them from catch’n Covid if that was their fate. Now Lord knows I wasn’t wishing that on any of them. I’m just say’n. I’m really am happy the whole family is safe.  

Then I saw Earnestine, our ex-Deputy Mayor handing out what I could only assume was campaign literature. You’ll never believe it. I had to rub my eyes TWICE! I thought I seen things that wasn’t there. Was I hav’in a stroke?  No. It was real! Sissy Lipscolm was assisting her. Bad ol’ Sissy. If Earnestine can get that girl do’in something meaningful, she can work miracles for this town. She’s got my vote! 

I’ve got so much more to tell. But the Chronicle requires me to keep my views short. Keep readin for the next...Porch Report! 

Things have come to a grinding halt in Mayor Wilty’s Town Motto Challenge, ever since Deputy Mayor Earnestine Tidalbaum resigned and announced her candidacy for Mayor elect this November. If you recall, all motto entries were to be directed at the now resigned Deputy Mayor, who was in charge of organizing said entries for review. But Earnestine Tidalbaum’s sudden departure is not the only thing that plagues Mayor Wilty’s contest. Our sources in City Hall tell us that a dearth of entries has left the Mayor with little if anything to consider, forcing him to come up with mottos himself to save face. Our contact has also told us there’s a large amount of wailing emanating from the Mayor’s office after hours. We reached out to the Mayor of an interview, which he declined. But he did pass along this statement:

“I have plenty to creative mottos to review. Brevetarians have definitely risen to the Town Motto Challenge that was placed in front of them. I’ve attached an entrant’s slogan which I fully expect to be published. Ms. Tidalbaum’s departure, on the other hand, has not affected; me, this office, nor the town’s vision, mission and values in any negative way. I can’t stress that enough. If anything Ms. Tidalbaum has shown herself to be an unreliable candidate for Mayor lacking the steadfastness needed for such an important position. As the kids say, ‘She’s a bailer.’” 

Mayor Wilty’s statement struck us as the first strike across the bow. We wondered if personal attacks were going to be the tone for this election season. To gain further insight we reached out to mayoral candidate Tidalbaum and asked for a comment on Mayor’s Wilty’s statement. She had this to say. 

I know what Michelle Obama said, ‘When they go low we go high.’ Nice words. But Hilary ultimately lost the election. We’ve learned a great deal from that...to fight fire with fire. Mayor Wilty is a blow hard. I should know, I’ve worked with him for two terms. And the people of Brevet know it too. That’s why they should elect me for Mayor in November. ‘Let’s bring intelligence and common sense back into the Mayor’s office.’ 

There’s your answer folks. We’re in for a battle royal for mayor. Is it appropriate? We’re living in a culture of extreme divisiveness. The hallmark of Brevet is that we’ve never been like our neighbors or the rest of the country. Should we be expecting more civility from our wannabe and elected officials? Let us know what you think on Twitter at @BrevetChronicle. 

The Slogan Mayor Wilty was referring to was this: 

Come for the Company Stay for the Rides!

Come to Brevet’s Favorite Pie Shop! 

We meet all of your pie needs. 

For the Kids at Heart we have:

Marble Carmel Apple (free marble with every purchase)

Choo Chew Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie (free miniature train car with every purchase.

James’ Giant Peach Pie (free appreciation of our creativity with naming with every purchase.

For the Literary Set we have:

Huckleberry Finn Pie

Cherry Orchard Pie

For the Nuts we have:

Pecan Pie

Indulge your Sweet Tooth with the best homemade pies while supplies last for the season!

There is one word that best describes Brevet and its town’s people, and that is “hopeful.” Brevet like the rest of the world were challenged and disappointed by the 2021. Just when we thought the COVID virus would be something of the past, the Omicron variant was born. Brevet was denied the dubious honor, once again, of being named as one of American’s best small towns. There were serious considerations about creating a BPD (or Brevet Police Department) despite Brevet’s absence of violent crime, criminal ordinances, a jail, or the financial resources. Despite all of this, the hope of the holiday season and the renewal of a New Year have beckoned Brevtarians. That spirit of hope will be on display at the annual New Year’s Day Potluck at the town’s square. We talked to Litty Emry, Chairwoman of the Brevet Beautification Board (BBB). Litty explained to us why the BBB was taking on the New Year’s Day Potluck. 

Usually the potluck is coordinated and sponsored by the Brevet Park & Recreation Board. As you know the board consists of two people Superintendent Percy [George] and Mrs. Percy his wife and spokesperson. They went on “vacation” for the holidays. I using air quotes because I saw both of them at The General’s Store yesterday. So I have taken on this seminole Brevetarian event.  If I can plan plantings, I can plan a potluck. With all events there needs to be order. First. No hot food allowed. It will just get cold. Let’s bypass the theatrics. Second. Everyone must bring their own dish appropriate serving wear. Ladles for cold soup not a serving spoon. Serving fork for cold cuts, not a regular  fork. Third. Hot beverages only. It’s the Yin to the Yang of cold entrees. Forth. Have your entrees at the Gazebo and on the table at 2:00 PM sharp. The table will be set up no later then 1:00 PM. Parents, don’t serve up too much food for your growing children. The town shouldn’t have to bear your repreductive choices. By the way, all children grow. You don’t need to add the verb before the noun. See you all tomorrow!! Can’t wait.

We weren’t used to this assertive Litty. We asked, “What gives?” 

“My therapist said I should try to be the opposite of my personality. People might like it better. Do you think it will work?”

We decided to leave that analysis to other Brevetarians. Nonetheless, we were taken aback by the number of rules Litty implemented for our town’s feel good event. So we reached out to George Percy for comment.  He had this to say. 

“Dang nabit me and the wife are on a staycation! Yah. Yah. I heard all about Litty’s list of potluck rules and her “new” personality. Look, everyone should bring whatever they want to share, even if people have to pick it up with their fingers. Just make sure the grub is on the table at 13:00 hours [2:00 PM]. Litty, go back to the personality drawing board.”    

County Living (the magazine for all things country?) has come out with its annual list of The County’s Best Small Towns. Once again Brevet was snubbed for the title. Mayor Wilty’s ire up as well as his determination. 

“Brevet is great town. Being named as one of The County’s Best Small Towns is an economic injection of tourism. Brevet could use that right now after 2020. You know it’s all rigged. It’s who you know and how much you can pay! I’ve been lobbying Country Living for years to take notice of Brevet. What did I get in return? A restraining order. Have you ever heard of a restraining order against an acting Mayor? What that was really about,  is my refusal to play their big city games. Country Living my.... They’re based in Birmingham, Alabama. That’s a big city! That’s not the country. Look, I wasn’t going to sacrifice our integrity with payouts, niceties, accommodations and compromise. I didn’t become Mayor on that platform, and that’s how I’m going to stay Mayor.” 

We wondered about this last statement, but kept it to ourselves. But we did ask Mayor Wilty if we should give up on ever achieving the ubiquitous list.   

“Never! Did our two confederate founders ever give up the fight? No!” 

We had to remind Mayor Wilty that they actually did give up the fight, and they were on the wrong side of history.

“I know. I know. Well, did our two founding African American former slaves, ever give up the dream and fight for freedom? No!” 

We agreed and thought this was a better comparison. 

“I have some ideas to get “Country Living’s” attention for Brevet’s inclusion on next year’s list. I want to announce here first that we’ll be having a town contest for the best town motto. We don’t have one. We need something catchy that tells people who we are and how we.... What do the kids say? Roll. It will last through summer. We’ll pick the best motto this fall. All Brevetarians can send their ideas to City Hall, attention: Deputy Mayor Earnestine Tidalbaum. Make sure to put the subject “Town Motto contest,” on the envelope, to ensure it get opened.” 

We asked Mayor Wilty how the winning motto will be selected and what the prize would be?

“The most catchy slogan will be the winner. The prize will be the winner knowing they created the town’s motto. They’ll be in the history books!”

That wasn’t really what we were asking, so we put the questions another way and asked; Would there would be a selection committee who would decide the winner? What tangible object would the declared winner receive? 

“So many questions! I’ll have to get back to you with the fine details you so obviously require.”

Then Mayor Wilty stated he had another idea to draw Country Living’s attention.

“We need a town mascot. We had an unofficial one, Henri the Labrador... God rest his soul. Now we need an official one. As Mayor it’s within my power to pick one on my own.”

We asked Mayor Wilty where he got that idea.

“Every southern football team has some sort of canine mascot, picked by the coach or some such. I’m a Mayor. I’m at a higher level then a coach. Logic dictates therefore that this task is in my sole authority.”

The underlying premise and basis of the logic is extremely flawed, but we’ll leave it to the town and Council to make any corrections. 

Brevet’s been lucky. Despite the outbreak of COVID and the nation’s approximate 500,000 death toll, we have yet to encounter a single case in our quaint town. Some of that has to do with our small population. But most of it has resulted from us banding together quickly to enact protocols from the CDC, and adhere to guidance by what some Brevetarians’ call: “that sexy Dr. Fauci and all his medical knowledge.” We’ll refrain from exploring that further. In our efforts to stay safe, our children have suffered. Has been one year since  Brevetarian kids have stepped foot in school. Educators, who used to have to worry about summer slide (which is the backward progression many children have in their reading and math skills over the summer), now have to contend with COVID slide. We asked one of our educators to explain what all the worry is about. 

Brevet Chronicle (BC): Tell us how COVID slide has manifested despite class rooms turning to on-line learning?

Educator: Despite on-line learning, teachers realize we don’t have the same captive audience. Kids are at home and they have so many available distractions. Despite all the zoom boxes we can’t get the non-visual cues that tell us a child is struggling with the material. 

BC: Such as?

Educator: Being frigidity, slumped, and maybe playing with their fingers or drawing on their pieces of paper.  

BC: How can parents help?

Educator: They can’t really. Many are working at the same time their child’s online learning is taking place. They don’t have the ability to pay attention.

BC: What about in the evenings? How can parent’s help.

Educator: Honestly they’re the problem. Brevet educators agree, parents just aren’t that smart. They may be smart in their chosen profession, but most simply can’t help their kids with history, social sciences, algebra, statistics, physics, or chemistry. We don’t live in Garrison Keillor’s fictional Lake Woebegone. This is real life and Brevet is not a place “were all the children are above average.” Not even close. We can’t even say that as a joke, if Mr. Keillor meant it that way.

This educator, and her colleagues which she assured us, agreed with her-had us worried about our children’s future. For years Brevet has been attempting to tackle the issue of the town’s brain drain.

BC: What hope do we have? 

Educator: My colleagues and I agree that our hope is most appropriately placed in your youngest kids: preschoolers through, about...first grade.

BC: Why is that?

Educator: Those ages demand attention. Have you ever tried to ignore a toddler? Good luck with that! The power dynamic is shifted. Parents have no choice put to pay close attention during on-line learning (if that’s what you call it for a toddler). Plus, Brevet parents are intellectually equipped to help with “homework.” All our parents can read. They know their numbers and can do basic math. But God help our gifted toddlers...

BC: Do we have gifted toddlers in Brevet?

Educator: Not that I’ve seen yet.

BC: Then why did you say that?

Educator: I don’t know. Maybe I was caught in the moment of drama that is this conversation. 

BC: Do you see anyway for our older students (we acknowledge the irony of calling a second grader an ‘older student’) to catch-up once schools reopen and COVID is brought under control through vaccinations? 

Here we noticed our education expert get pretty quite. We had to ply her.

Educator: I do...I mean, my colleagues and I do. But it’s radical. 

BC: What is it?

Educator: People won’t like it.

BC: I’m sure parents will be open to anything to ensure that their child don’t fall behind intellectually. Education secures our children’s future.

Our education expert did not seem convinced, but she eventually relented.

Educator: In normal circumstances I would never say this. But my colleagues and I agree, extreme times call for extreme measures.

BC: What do you and your colleagues suggest. 

Educator: We suggest that we take a cue from our eastern adversary and the maker of all things Amazon-that’s China. We suggest an expanded school year from September through mid-July. Then we suggest full-time summer classes from July through August specific to the individual student’s needs, where she or he has had the most backslide. 

BC: What about our high school juniors and seniors?

Educator: Yes. We’ve thought of them. Unfortunately every war has its casualties.... Look at it this way. If they didn’t know the ideas and concepts they needed to know by now to get into a good college, they weren’t going to learn them even in the best educational circumstances. 

BC: What do you think about the CDC saying it’s safe for schools to reopen.

Educator: I’m not sure in larger cities. But here in Brevet because we still have no COVID cases I think we can reopen, ONCE, we put all the needed desk guards up, and have enough PPE. Our education force isn’t unionized (as you know given our confederate and union history). All it takes is for all of us teachers to agree that its safe to enter the class room again. We’re like that old show Friends, we stay together in negotiations or the show does not go on.

It’s that time of the year, President’s Day weekend. What would President’s Day be in Brevet without the educational contributions of the Historical Reenactment Guild (HRG). Last year’s, The Presidential Great Debate: Lincoln v. Nixon with Moderator Obama, was a huge success. It was innovative and showed the current dichotomy between the Republican Party of  Lincoln and that of Nixon’s.  Brevetarians’ responses were very positive. We wondered what interesting event HRG had up their sleeve this year. We invited long time HRG president, Olie Flout for a chat. 

“This year we felt a lot of pressure to live up to last year’s debate. We had no idea it would go over so well. But then one of our members...I think it was Horace, told us what that Eat, Pray, Love author said (he was reading some book she’d written called, Big Witchcraft or Big Sorcery or something). He told us she said, we have to let the inspiration come to us. We can’t worry about inspirations and successes of the past. That really freed us from the burden of The Great Presidential Debate.” 

We asked Olie what they had in store.

“Before I get to that I want to talk about our process. We’re artists we realized, not just reenactment actors. So we looked at what was happening now in our town due to COVID and how to respond. When I went for my dentist appointment, I learned that many Brevetarians had cancelled their appointments in 2020 for fear of catching COVID. Doc told me that of the people who have started resuming their dental check-ups, their teeth are awful. Full of decay and plaque. This got the actors of the HRG thinking. You know who else had dental issues? George Washington!”

We stated that we knew that. In fact, George Washington’s teeth were so bad he had wooden dentures. To this, Flout’s ire was floated. 

“I’d think better of a newspaper to pass off lies as truth, especially in this day of misinformation! Our original commander and chief did not have wooden teeth! He had multiple full and partial dentures throughout his life. He had teeth issues beginning in his early 20s. In fact, at his 1789 inauguration he had only one of his original teeth left. But his dentures were made of cow and horse teeth, lead tin alloy, possibly elephant ivory, and human teeth. Unfortunately, we know he bought human teeth that belonged to African American slaves. Unfortunately, they may not have had a choice in the matter of contribution. We’ll be doing some reckoning with George about this-particularly given the HRG diversity plan we set out a few years ago. Plus it’s also black history month. The shortest month of the year! I’ve learned to be very upset by that fact, and so have the other non-BIPUCK people in the HRG.” 

We corrected Olie that it isn’t BIPUCK, but rather BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color). We then apologized for our Washington factual blunder and pressed Olie again on the HRG’s offering to Brevatarians this year.

“A one man play called, ‘My Presidential Teeth and Yours!’ We’ll stream it live on Zoom for the town. It’s part public health service announcement, and presidential educational programming. George Washington had decades of  distress about his teeth, despite copious care. We hope that the play imparts this and the importance of dental health for all Brevetarians.”

We were intrigued by the one man play concept of the HRG. We wondered if that went over well with all the other actors who would not be able to participate.

“I find your probing highly inflammatory. This has never been my experience with the Chronicle and I hope it will not be my experience again. You assume that my men, and very few women (but we are working on that) must be in the spotlight to be happy. That sir is not the case for artists. We all contributed, and will be contributing behind the scenes of My Presidential Teeth and Yours. Now I must bid you good day! I would suggest you visit the Mount Vernon cite to learn some real factual history about our first president.”

They say artists are temperamental. Had Olie taken off his gloves I believe he would have slapped me in the face with one, and challenged me to a duel if the timing were right. I’ll need to be doing some smoothing over with him. Nonetheless, it sounds like the HRG will not disappoint this year. The My Presidential Teeth and Yours live stream will begin 7:00 p.m., President’s Day, Monday, February 15. Visit us on twitter @BrevetChronicle on Monday for the zoom link or the HRG website. 

You know how we hate to miss a good story. Somehow this never made it publication, and we just didn’t feel it was fair. Given our limited staff, we promise that anything that gets written published. In case you forgot about last years Halloween here’s a reminder. 

Halloween. A  time where we teach our young children to celebrate all things macabre, and suspend all parental warnings to not take candy from strangers, is joyous no longer. Rather, in this day and age of COVID, a most beloved holiday has the ability to spur on our global health crisis. Or town has been lucky in that there have been no reported cases as confirmed by town doctor Dr. Georgina Hopper. But in a unprecedented sound move, Mayor Wilty called an emergency meeting of the city council; Dr. Hopper; and George Percy, Superintendent of Parks and Recreation-in effort to keep Brevet COVID infection free. The topic? How to ensure a safe Halloween for all. We caught up with Mayor Wilty to find out what the group’s plan of action is.

“This was a very difficult decision. At first we thought of cancelling Halloween. Can you imagine? As a candy lover myself, this was difficult to fathom. But.... then Georgina reminded us all that particularly now, we need a way to foster community and bring some celebratory aspect to our lives in the wake of this pandemic. That got our juices flowing. After much ideation-a term the newer tech folks use-we decided to host Halloween outside in the town square. We’ll have cauldrons (to be in the spirit of things-no pun intended) stationed throughout the square filled with candy. This was President Glidman’s idea, which is quite good.” Then Mayor Wilty whispered, “I think it came naturally to her because she’s part witch.” Mayor Wilty then asked us to leave that latter part out of which we declined, because he cknew we were, on the record. Clearly no love remains lost between these two elected officials. 

“Children will have to use latex gloves, which we’ll provide. They’ll have to stand in single file line, at six feet distance, to partake of the candy. It will be on the honor system. Two pieces per child only! Some of us will be policing to make sure of it.” That didn’t sound like the honor system to us.

We reached out to George Percy to get his take on the idea, since the town square falls within his purview. 

“I think it’s a good idea. But no one’s told me where I’m supposed to get these magical life sized caldrons. I have a degree in urban planning not holiday crafting. Where is the money coming from for all of this? Our entertainment and other tax basis have been non-existent for months due to this pandemic.” 

Never the one to ignore the negative practicalities of things, we posited Percy’s question to Deputy Mayor Ernestine Tidelbaum. “We’re being creative given our revenue shortfalls. We’ve instituted the school’s theater department to see if there are any props we can use or be outfitted for our plans. We’re also looking into reusing some sets, to really set the All Aallows Eve ambience. They have been more then willing to devote their time and expertise to make this reality for the kids. Unpaid! We have some great town’s people!” This sounded like a great idea and good use of currently unused resources. When asked if this was shared with Superintendent Percy, Deputy Mayor responded, “Of course not. What would a holiday be without a crabby Percy? It’s tradition. Tradition is important in Brevet.”

Last week Brevetarians nearly crashed the towns servers. Everyone was glued to their computers to learn Mayor Wilty reasoning for moving forward a motion to fund a Brevet police department. Brevetarians were also interested in hearing Council President Glidman’s and Councilman Pepper Hatch’s questions and comments on the matter. Not much changed on the matter since Mayor Wilty’s interview with this paper last week on the subject. The Mayor expressed to council members that given the current civic unrest and extensive property damage that had plagued our very own proverbial black sheep sister city Minneapolis, and other cities around the county and world, Brevet would be unprepared to defend itself if such upheaval happened again. Therefore, the establishment of a police department he deemed as necessary. The Mayor went on to say that while funding is potentially a barrier to success, there are many sources the town could look at defunding to support the funding of police. 

When asked what those sources would be, Mayor Wilty seemed unprepared to answer the question, to which Council President Glidman stated, “You haven’t figured out how to fund your bright idea Wilty? Shocking.” 

Mayor Wilty showed a terse look into his camera, clearly directed at the Council President. In response he threw the question to Deputy Mayor Ernestine Tidalbaum as usual. 

“I believe could stop paying for garbage pick-up. We could privatize it instead.” 

Both Council President Glidman and Councilman Hatch visibly grimaced at the suggestion. Reading the virtual room appropriately, Deputy Mayor Tidalbaum quickly shifted courses. 

“We could defund some of our pet initiatives such as the Town Beautification Board. No one is outside anyway due to COVID. Nature can now take care of itself. It is doing a marvelous job, growing everything, everywhere. We’re quite lucky.” Getting no response from either council member, the Deputy Mayor continued with ideas. 

“We should cut back significantly on our school investment. We can’t have schools anymore, it’s too dangerous. Dumb kids is better then no kids at all. So let’s sell our capital investment, or at least stop funding the upkeep of it until we can. We can divert the money to police. Teaching is the parents responsibility now at their house. God help us.” 

Just as Deputy Mayor Tidalbaum was going to continue with her defunding list, Council President Glidman abruptly, but not surprisingly interrupted. 

“Wilty! You’ve come to us and the people with a hair-brained barely thought-out idea again, putting Ernestine in the lion’s den on your behalf once more! Earnestine, I told you to resign from his incompetency long ago. It’s making you dumb now.” 

Just when it seemed like another Mayor and Council President war was about to ensue; Councilman Hatch, also known as the man of reason, intervened. 

“Mayor I believe I understand your concerns. But you’re not acknowledging the global cause that produced the effect. The effect of all the civil unrest stemmed from the cause which is the existence of a police force that has been brutilizing people of color for decades, centuries even. We don’t have a police force, and have not had that problem. We should not create a problem were none exists. However, I agree that if Brevet were threatened we would have no way to defend ourselves. So I would like to amend the Mayor’s motion to explore the possibility of potential town defenses, exclusive of the creation of a police department. Do I hear a second?” 

“Second.” proclaimed Council President Glidman. “It so passes.” Council President Glidman dropped her gavel. 

We’ve been fortunate here in Brevet. As the novel Coronavirus continues to sweep the world, with the United States being hit particularly hard as of late with infections and resulting deaths, Brevet has remained immune. We have our Mayor to thank for that. Mayor Wilty in an uncharacteristic display of wise and decisive action required Brevetarians to shelter in place early. According to Dr. Georgina Hopper, we’ve had no reported cases of COVID to date. Should our town open up once again or would we be tempting fate? Mayor Wilty believes our quick shelter in place response, lack of cases, and need to stimulate the town’s economy provide reason enough for reopening. But, Brevetarians don’t agree. In keeping with state regulation any business seeking reopening must provide a COVID Reopening Plan. Rumor has it that virtual city hall hasn’t received any. We reached out to our essential and non-essential business owners to find out what they are thinking. 

“Honestly, it nice to go into my store and not have to deal with customers, always asking questions, traipsing through and picking up and moving the items that I set out so nicely at the start of each day.” Laney Gunderson of Home Allure told us. “Now my whole inventory is on-line. That was a feat at first but we’ve done it. Sales are great without most of the people hassle.” 

We reached out to Cletus, owner of The Corner Spirits. “I don’t care really. People in the store are fine, even the teenagers trying to buy booze like I wasn’t just at their sixteenth birthday party the day before where they were trying to sneak booze. What I do care about is a COVID-19 cure. No cure, no opening. Plus I deliver now. People have been drinking up a storm since COVID. Fear of dying and all. It’s actually been great for business.” 

Finally we reached out to B&B Bistro owners, Beverly and Byron Fisher. “We miss the people. Especially during the summer.” But Byron was quick to add, “Yes. We miss the people but we have to say it’s less hot in the restaurant without em, and less clean up. We still serve great food you can get via curbside pickup or delivery. Seen as how we’re the main restaurant in town, we’re still doing pretty well.” 

Mayor Wilty has done it again. He proposes a controversial plan that would set Brevet apart from the national conversation of defunding police departments in the wake of civil rights violations. His plan? To fund a Brevet police department, something Brevet has never had. We reached out to Mayor Wilty via phone to try to decipher what in the world he could be thinking. 

“I know this is unpopular. But the world is dangerous. There has been burning and looting everywhere. I’ve been reading more then just the chronicle I’ll have you know. We’d have no way to defend ourselves if this happened in our town. I don’t believe in a community policing.”

Firstly we noticed that Mayor Wilty doesn’t know what community policing means. For our readers we believe what he was attempting to say was that he did not believe in armed civilians acting like police. That is not community policing. But when we attempted to explain that the civil unrest was caused by police violence, and that by maintaining Brevet’s lack of a police department it would make it unlikely that Brevet would fall victim to civil unrest, the Mayor seemed unswayed. 

“But can you guarantee that. No. You. Can. Not. Marauders maraud.” 

But does he have the votes? More importantly, does Brevet have the money to fund a police department. When asked about the latter he had this to say, 

“My job is to protect Brevetarians! I can’t know how we’re going to do everything. I just know it must be done.” 

We beg to differ, he does need to know how it will be accomplished and with what money. 

We reached out to council president Wila Glidman and councilman Pepper Hatch to see if the Mayor would have the votes needed. 

“It’s an idiotic idea that came from an idiotic man. Maybe next election people will remember this.” President Glidman never one to mince words. 

But what did councilmen Hatch have to say? 

“It’s intriguing. Maybe a police force is not the answer. But should we be thinking about some type of organized Brevet defense? Maybe.” 

The Chronicle and we assume most Brevetarians were not expecting that response.  

This year Lent begins on February 26 and ends on April 9. Instead of having Reverend McPhee telling us about the importance and meaning of Lent (which he steadfastly refused to in advance of us asking) we thought we’d provide a culinary guide to this religious season.

Many Brevetarians may be wondering, why eat fish during Lent? Our crack researcher went to work, and found so many differing answers to the question, we came to the conclusion that “we don’t know.” But what you can rely on is where you can fulfill your fish fry requirement.

The B&B Bistro: from 5:00 -7:30 p.m. will be providing fried or baked Walleye dinners every day of the week through Lent. The dinners include: potato wedge, coleslaw, macaroni & cheese, collard or mustard greens, dinner rolls and a slice of carrot cake. Price is $15 for adults; $11 for 65 and over; and $6 ages 5-12; and Free for ages 4 and under. 

They will also offering ever Friday during Lent an all you can eat baked or fried cod, with mashed potatoes; french fries; salad; coleslaw; dinner rolls, and vanilla and chocolate pudding. Price is $12 for adults; $9 for 65 years old and over; and $5 ages 5-12; and Free for ages 4 and under. 

The General’s Store: will have special pricing during all of Lent on canned Herring; Smoked Trout; Trout; Sardines; and Salmon for $1.50 to $2.00 per can. Wild salmon will be on sale for $10 per lbs; and stream trout at $8.00 per pound.

The Armory: will have Friday Feast Pop up, every Friday during Lent from 5:30 p.m. until food runs out; where Brevetarians can not only get home cooked Lenten dishes from neighbors, but also non-Lenten dishes alike. 

Today marks President’s Day. The Historical Reenactment Guild (HRG) is putting on: The Great Last Debate: Lincoln v. Nixon with Moderator Obama. Here at the Chronicle we didn’t quite understand the thinking behind this debate paring, and choice of moderator. Nor did we understand why the organization decided to veer off its bread and butter, historical reenactment. Of course we reached out to HRG president Olie Flout to explain further.

“As you know a couple of years ago the HRG went through some serious strategic and diversity planning. We had to expand our inherent assumptions about who we are and what we do. It has been liberating! The Great Last Debate is a historical reenactment of the character of these people and what they believed. The debate is about putting that history together in a ‘what if’ space. I just learned this new term ‘space.’ It’s a millennial term that has dispossessed us of the use of ‘circumstance, or environment.’ Now the word ‘environment’ is only used in reference to climate. And we never talk about ‘circumstances’ anymore. We have Lincoln debating Nixon for a few reasons. They both were members of the republican party. But between Lincoln’s presidency and Nixon’s, the republican party’s ethos particularly as it related to African American’s radically changed. We wanted this to be the theme of the debate because it is black history month. Finally, we thought Brevetarian history buffs would be really interested in seeing if our Nixon would be sweating as much during this debate, as the real Nixon was during his 1960 debate with Kennedy. Stage makeup has advanced so far since then. But people will have to come to find out the answer!” And why President Obama as the moderator? We guessed it was because the real Obama was a great student of Lincoln’s? “

“Yes. That, and he’s very cerebral. He’s a former academician. He’s African American and was president. And most importantly, he’s a democrat. All of those things, make him a perfect moderator!”

We have to say, that the event sounds very very interesting. The Great Last Debate: Lincoln v. Nixon with Moderator Obama, will be held at the Amory on President’s day. The debate starts at 1:00 p.m., but doors open when the owners Lizzy and her husband get there and open the doors.