After The One Night Stand
Here I am, back with this empty feeling that I’m not good enough. Lonely and miserable because I feel as if I’m entitled to someone’s time who I just met. She doesn’t care about me, Nor should she. But why do I? Is it because I’m so alone? I’m sure we’re both busy. Why is it that I make time to go out of my way and think about her? Never want to come off as clingy but of course that’s exactly what the fuck I am. A lonely, clingy, manic depressed fuck that can’t get anything right. My ex would say I’m being as dramatic as ever. Is it wrong for me to feel? Yes I’m more creative with how I put my feelings, but am I wrong for having them in the first place? I tried numbing myself with adderall to keep me focused on my goals. I still feel empty and like I haven’t accomplished anything. Maybe cause the adderall came from her, now That’s all my mind can focus on. Or maybe it’s because that moment with her, was exact what I was looking for. That serenity. Yes it was nerve racking at first. Meeting a woman for the first time is never an easy task for someone like me, with low self esteem. But we met and talked, I tried my hardest to not talk too much and annoy her. It must have worked because we went back to her place. The sex was great, but laying with her after is what affected me the most. My ego is too damaged to take pride in having sex with a stranger, no matter how much my toxicity begs me to champion this frivolous accomplishment. We were in her bed and she wanted to be held. Did she want to be protected? Did she want to feel loved? I know I wanted both of those things, but I never dared of asking them from her. She’s the type of woman who doesn’t ask for what she wants, she goes and gets it. I think that’s the difference. I’m too neutral. If something happens, it does. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. That’s why I can’t reach out again. If she wanted me she would have made it known. The memories of a moment that took my sadness away for a few hours, crippling me because now, I want it back. I don’t deserve to have moments like that. I know I don’t deserve happiness. Is this just more punishment for being the piece of shit I’ve always been? Dangling false hope for the possibility of me being happy again? Why am I depending on anyone for my happiness? Let alone her… People like me don’t get happiness. We get to lay in someone else’s bed at 4:30 AM while they sleep soundly in our arms, guarded from the evils of night. How ironic that someone as evil as me would hold and protect her all through the night, until the sun comes up. - Journal Entry ??? 1:54 AM 4/11/19
