Stained Glass Eyes And Colorful Tears.

Im currently watching the heartstopper Movie and I can’t stop thinking about it. Like genuinely I can’t stop smiling it’s incredibly cute and good. These characters hit you in such a way that is just so beautiful. Over the years many people have said that it’s cringe or tooo sappy or whatever. But like that the point. Thats the reason they work so well. Why this show in particular has worked and touched so many people. The effort the entire cast and crew has put into making it feel like the comics yet expanding on it. Is so beautiful. Nick and Charlie feel like nick and Charlie. They don’t feel different from the books. They are exactly what they are supposed to be. Young adolescents finding their own place in this world and finding love in the process.

Yes it’s cheesy and tooth rotting fluffy but that’s what’s ment to be. Especially when it’s about queer love. I love how the problems that are shown is them versus an external problem. Nick and Charlie are healthy and have communication. They interact with each other with trust and love. Giving each other space to grow and share on their own time. Obviously they aren’t perfect they are teens and sometimes they don’t know how to communicate well. But even when they don’t understand how to express themselves. Their trust and feelings never change.

Obviously because this book is quite dated some of the references and specific ways of speaking were very insane. Especially with Hannah and garrets internal monologues

A lot of it did have some misogynistic undertones and overall very interesting details with in that regard. Especially when Hannah talks about other girls who aren’t her friends. It was cringy to read the way she talks about other girls being obsessed with the hockey team. Or how she separated herself from them because of her own personal feelings. However I do still very much like Hannah she is such a good character and very outwardly honest it’s fun.

Garret honestly was such whiplash for me because one minute he will be saying the most sweetest thing then the next minute he is saying the most egregious thing ever. And I did find him very funny and just such a guy.

I think after watching the show I like how they went more into detail with each character especially with garret and his internal fight with being a great hockey player but also with his father. I like how they cleaned up the misogyny without taking away the charisma and cockiness from garret. I like how they still managed to have Hannah be witty and funny yet still kept the same optimism and softness about her. I love Dean,tucker, Logan and Allie. I love how their characters aren’t just pushed to the side. They feel very much their own characters. They feel individually connected and yet their own.

Yes I do also agree that Conrad did deserve some of the shit that he got because yea that’s what happens when you say stuff like that.

Honestly just rewatch season three really puts me into perspective I guess. Everyone is shitty in their own way. Conrad,Belly, Jeremiah but like Belly’s French friends say. You don’t get through your twenties without hurting some people. It happens. I like Jeremiah more when he’s not trying to win his father’s approval. But I still don’t see him the way people who like him do. I understand Conrad and see his flaws and his shortcomings. I see belly in a such a big and human way.

Jeremiah fell in love with the Idea of Belly. He fell in love with the girl he sees in the summer. The version of Belly that is care free and comfortable and confident. He didn’t really notice until that summer because she wasn’t ever an option. Until that summer She was just belly. Steven’s little sister. They shared a wall and she was consistent enough that Jeremiah knew she would always be there. Belly and Jeremiah’s relationship was built from the foundation of being friends. Best friends even. But out side of the summer they all had very different lives. When Jeremiah and Belly start dating that is the first time Jeremiah actually gets to know Isabel Conklin not just Belly. The same for Belly she gets to know Jeremiah as a whole not just her summer best friend. Belly loves him in a sort of nostalgia and casual way. She never had to worry too much about him in the grand scheme of things. She relied heavily on the best friend foundation. Having a happy carefree relationship.

With Conrad it was a little different. We know that she has loved him for so long. The way he loves her is more intentional. He never misses or looks away. He is so acutely aware of everything belly is. Conrad fell in love with Belly before summer before the big change. Because he didn’t fall for Belly he fell for Isabel Conklin. He fell for the girl who did laps around the pool when she couldn’t sleep. He fell for the girl who remembered everything he said. He was never her best friend in the summer. He was just a constant. He was Conrad. She loved him for who she believed him to be. But in that she fell for him in the reality. She loved him for reading lord of the rings and collecting stamps. She fell for the boy who always looked out for her. He never saw her as Steven’s little annoying sister. He saw her as someone entirely her own. He didn’t have to get to know her when they started dating. He already knew her. In that span of however many months they dated. They would talk on the phone for hours. Talking about nothing and everything all at once. He knew what she liked what she didn’t. He knew her worries about being in a relationship with someone she doesn’t love. They talked about the stars and infinity.

This is not a who is the better boyfriend. I’m not trying to pin anyone against each other. It is clear that both brothers bring out a part of Belly that compliments/ pushes against them. Her four year relationship with Jeremiah brought out the childish side of her reverting back to a more selfish person. Which kind of compliments Jeremiah in a weird way. It could be akin to young love. It’s wild and reckless and free. But also incredibly selfish and self destructive with the wrong person. With Conrad although ment to be a more kind of mature relationship. It isn’t. Yes they have a better understanding of each other. Yet Belly freaks out and says things that aren’t necessarily true but she believes them to be true. Conrad although he loves her he’s not able to express or explain himself or his feelings which leads to a misunderstanding and ultimately end of the relationship.

Once they find themselves and live apart they start to understand each other and become a more solid individual. Which is why their relationship works now than it did before this is the mature relationship that Belly was always ment to have and Dreamed of. It’s not perfect and it has its ups and downs but they are able to make an effort to communicate with each other. Conrad still understands belly and Belly still see Conrad. Which is why in the last season Belly has to openly choose Conrad in order for them to work. Conrad has always chosen Belly. He put his feelings forward. It was Belly who needed to accept that part of herself and choose Conrad.

It’s a beautiful album and I’m in love with it. I just don’t want be a balling mess when I open tik tok

I love Eddie and I love buck and they make sense together. They work well together in many many ways. Their chemistry and relationship is such a palpable thing and it so annoying that they refuse to do anything about it. Like I get it they don’t want to alienate certain viewers. But with the rise of Heated Rivalry and the popularity they got. It makes sense to go that way. Especially since there is already an established foundation.

It honestly does feel really insane and so much bigger than what Lestat originally did. As much as it was horrible. His relationship with Louis was always tumultuous even when it started. There are no excuses for what they both put each other through.

But like they said throughout the show morals and these things become different when you’re a vampire.

In the grand scheme of things Louis and Lestats relationship was shorter. More explosive and insane but shorter. And honestly they were both in a very different position in their lives.

Which is why Armand’s betrayal hit harder for Louis. Because Armand was the first person whose character was openly flexible. Or at least he thought it. Louis was so set on not wanting lestat that he didn’t realize that he never had power with in the relationship at all. With Armand Louis was able to be calmer and more comfortable in his interests. But Armand used Louis past relationship to manipulate him. Making it seem worse in his head. Gaslighting him into forgetting or believing in something that never was. And that Louis never really thought about until Malloy pointed it out and poked holes into it. It all just kind seems so much more fucked up. Because Louis genuinely thought it was good. That Armand was the one.

Retelling your life stories talking about things you never did. Retelling painful memories of people you lost. Your human family your daughter with which he shared with Lestat. To then find out you’ve been manipulated and gaslit for 77 years. That the man you thought was your vampire soulmate was the one who planned and killed your daughter. And was planning to kill you too.

That the man you tried to demonize for 77 years was the one who truly did love you and was the one who saved you. And he tried to save your child his child but couldn’t. It just hurts that much deeper.

I think Louis being so enraged and done with Armand and not letting him explain. Was due to a mix of things about how blind he really was. But I think it was because Armand never truly let Louis grieve Claudia. He never let Louis grieve and let go. It wasn’t easy and their relationship was very messed up. But they stuck around. But I think it was because when Louis went to the dungeon to see Lestat one last time to finally let him go he chose Armand in front of him. Armand knew the truth and so did Lestat. And yet he let him go.

The cabin was such a beautiful place for Lestat and Louis to comeback together. The apologies and the winds blowing as if they were the eye of the hurricane. It was beautiful. Them grieving Claudia for the first time. Finally accepting that she was truly loved in their own fucked up way. That was their daughter it didn’t matter how but she was and they had loved her.

Uggghh I can’t wait for season three.

The difference between Lestat and Armand and their form of abuse it almost makes you whiplash.

The way Lestat was always showy and intense and very physical.

We’re as Armand is very internal and mental. Using subtle language and nuance to manipulate and abuse Louis.

Idk I could go on but man this show is gonna break me

Also this has made me realize that although Shane has a lot more of a community than Ilya. He still needs someone to be blunt with him. The same way Kip and Scott have Elena. Because she talked some sense into Beth Kip and Scott. He desperately needs someone to be like hey maybe your boyfriend is acting like because of this. Or have actually tried to talk to him for r just walked around it.

I’m sorry I’m just ahhhhhhh I need them to communicate with more words than I’m fine it’s okay and snippy communication.

Certain songs like colors and Roman holiday or is there somewhere.

But I can’t help think about them when she says

“Young James Dean some he looked just like his father

But he could never love somebodies daughter

Football team , loved more than just the game so he vowed to be his husband at the altar”

This kind of thing bothered me. Not because it was a criticism of the book. But it was the way they carried themselves as almost better.

But if I’m being honest just because a book is well written doesn’t mean it’s a good book. The same way if a book isn’t written that well should it be considered a bad book. Maybe it’s because I am pretty forgiving when it comes to books. Or it could be because my priorities in books aren’t just the writing but the way I connect to the characters. But I don’t know I don’t think dismissing a book such as heated rivalry or romance is really fair. We can learn as much from those books as much as any other.

Because if I’m being honest I have never seen a show about canon queer characters taken care of so beautifully before.

Everything from the final was executed so beautifully. Yes a couple of things did change from the book and something’s were left out. However the core message and core feel was still there. There was so much love and understanding throughout the entire episode. We could see Ilya and Shane be free and unguarded for the first time.

Everything from the loon scene to the Shane’s parents finding out was structured so well. The acting was so good. The the title nuances between Shane and Ilya that mirrored the beginning.

*chefs kiss*

I am probably going to try and stick with in the first book. But I just stared reading the second book so we will see.

The thing about these books and this show is is how nuanced everything is.

Everything has a reason that for good or bad makes complete sense. From the start of there situation all the way to the beginning of the relationship.

In the beginning they just kind of had a mutual attraction. Shane didn’t really understand it and Ilya was bold enough to take a chance. Obviously we know that it started off as “just sex” but it never really was. Both of them just kind of hid behind the pretense of it. Shane because he couldn’t be out and he wasn’t even sure. And Ilya because it was dangerous for him to do so. But as the story continues we kind of see how much more comfortable Shane and Ilya are with each other.

Shane lives very much in his head. He is always thinking three steps ahead just so he’s not left out in limbo. He has just a high level of anxiety all the time. It’s extremely hard for Shane to do something that is out of his control. And yet here is Ilya making him lose all that control. In the books every time Ilya wants to meet up. Shane tells himself this time will be the last. Every single time. lol but it never is. In the show I think they do a good job telling the viewers that. With Shane’s body language and the way he responds.

In both the book and in the show Shane although still living in his head. He seems much more relaxed when he’s with Ilya. He lets Ilya take control of the situation. And on the the flip side Ilya likes seeing Shane like that. With no plan just kind of in the moment.

With Ilya it’s a little harder to kind of untangle him in a way. He is supposed to be the brooding kind of guy. The guy who is too cocky for his own good. And we see that on the ice and with Shane. At least at first. The way Ilya presents himself on the ice and to his team reminds me of season one Dean Winchester. He’s a cocky, charming lady’s man that has charisma that makes him an asshole. Yet you still love him. In the beginning Ilya tried to have that same attitude with Shane but it soon falls away just as quickly. Because Shane although trying to be like Ilya is just too genuine.

The thing I love about them is how incredibly in-tune they are with each other. Ilya gives Shane the time and space to process his own thoughts and emotions. While also being ready to check in when needed to. Ilya pays attention to everything that Shane does. Like with the Canada Dry. The way he has it stocked and ready for Shane when he wants it. Then making both of them some food. To then ask if it’s good cold enough. Shows how much Ilya does care. Even if it’s in a small way. In the same way Shane is ready to apologize and accept his wrongs when he needs to. Then also giving Ilya that emotional vulnerability that he needs. Giving Ilya space to take up. Like when his father passed away or when Shane comes back after his freak out and getting a girlfriend. Ilya is a lot more complicated than a Russian hockey player that happens to be bi. His hang ups and issues stem from unresolved issues with his family. His slow cutting off of his family finally helped him understand that. Not to mention it being illegal.

His journey throughout book one kind of emphasizes those issues in a way Shane doesn’t seem to understand. Which is why the different points in their acceptance of each other seem so stark in comparison with the risk of it all. Shane is scared to risk it all because he loves hockey and wants to keep playing for all long as he can. But he can’t deny that he loves Ilya and he is gay. In his head he doesn’t want to deny anything. But he’s scared. And he has a right to be scared. It’s one thing to accept it yourself it’s another to tell the people you love.

Then on the flip side Ilya already risked it all. He won’t deny that he loves Shane. It’s clear from when he rants to Shane in Russian. His acceptance comes from him being done being used and abused by people who hate him. He loves hockey but it was also a means to an end. And he’s there. I think we dive in deeper into those separate areas in the second books. It’s a lot more complex and nuanced in the second book from I can tell.

It’s like they are almost always just missing each other by a tiny fraction. Ilya’s feeling are valid and understandable. And Shane’s feeling are valid and understandable.

There miscommunication isn’t because they aren’t talking. They are just talking about the wrong thing. Choosing not to burden the other person with their feelings.