pissposting

more body hair (pleaseeee)

my dream shitty mustache I want it so baad

more muscle in places I want them to be

tdick hell yeah

I could finally wear outfits that are actually androgynous and not have them be seen as feminine just because my body is curvy

voice will drop (I hate my customer service voice)

many other good things

cons of T

voice will drop (I like my singing voice a lot)

BUT - I can potentially work around it by following those transfemme voice training tutorials, which adds further euphoria tbh. Also I can keep singing just with a deeper register and as long as I record what I have now I can still preserve that high pitch

balding :/

BUT - my dad is 65 with hair so long it's reached his lower back. This will not effect me.

the concept of testosterone rage terrifies me as someone who already struggles a lot with understanding zir own emotions

BUT - T will make me better. so, slay.

The iconic forever terror that T might make it all worse somehow

BUT - I struggle with a brain that tells me that taking a little bit of un-dibbed turkey deli meat for my sandwich without asking permission will cause my friends to leave me. I don't trust the fucker in my scalp with anything, I know it's gonna overreact.

Despite the fact that I'm highkey considering top surgery, I actually like how my boobs look atm and don't want them to shrink or sag

no changes except:

POS - I've been working out a lot more recently and if that could translate into some actual muscle I would die from euphoria

POS - I'm a lot more in tune with my emotions these days and I think I could handle the spiking more than I could in 2024

NEG - worried about how my OCD would interact with transitioning. But that's something you just gotta keep schmooving past

(also the fact that the turkey meat thing was real . . . I shoulda figured out I had OCD a lot earlier huh)

sometimes I’m reminded that there are still people who don’t know ao3 was literally created by incest shippers — and the site’s sole purpose is to 1. be completely against censorship and 2. host all kinds of dark, taboo fics that are banned on other platforms — and the first ever fic that was posted on ao3 was a fic about an incest ship from supernatural.

you are in the house that was created by freaks. for freaks (affectionate). every disgusting thing you can think of is rightfully allowed and welcomed on ao3, because they are exactly the reasons why ao3 was created in the first place.

ao3 was created because its creators got tired of censorship, they got tired of dark and taboo fics getting banned on pro-censorship platforms, and they wanted a place that was safe for ALL FICS THAT WERE DARK AND TABOO.

ao3’s main principle is being against censorship and being proship / profic.

there are some things in fiction that make me uncomfortable, but instead of shaming people who are just minding their own business and not harming anyone in real life, I choose to curate my own internet experience by blocking/muting what I don’t want to see. ao3 has excellent tagging system, so instead of being a bitch, use their tagging system properly and you won’t see the things you don’t want to see.

it’s your job to curate what you see. it’s not other people’s jobs or responsibilities to censor themselves for your personal comfort. the world does not revolve around you.

also you cannot censor “only the things you personally hate” without expecting everything else, that isn’t of conservative beliefs, to be censored too. because censorship is a slippery slope and a fascist tool. I promise you there are people who think “why do tags for queer love even exist on ao3? they’re grooming children”.

if you allow the things that you hate to be censored — because someone with enough power gets to control what other people can and cannot create/consume, it will not stop at the things that you hate.

First off, Grace is just as buff as Simon. They're both muscle men. Grace starts out literally calling himself "forever muscles" when trying to regain his memory. A point can be made if they meet up during the scurvy era but if they're meeting after Grace has been on Erid (with higher gravity) for a nonzero amount of time AND fed a proper supply of meburgers, he should be relatively swole once more. I could even argue that the most afflicted Simon would be weaker than post-movie Grace. So jot that down.

Second, I saw one fic where Simon shows up at the beginning, acts like a bodyguard, shuts down Grace at every turn and then just does all the scary stuff Grace does originally, cause he's overprotective and "more capable." And to this I say: FuUuUuCk that.

Simon is not a big brave stone cold mean man man, just like how Grace is not a smol silly innocent little lovey boy. And something I think a lot of people aren't getting (or don't know how to conceptualize) is that Simon is not braver than Grace. I could argue Grace is more brave. Or at least that their bravery is completely different from each other.

Sure, these two movies are very similar. a random guy is stuck on a ship in the middle of an uninhabitable infinity, and must deal with the consequences of that while they fight to change anything about the world. But they are completely different situations. Simon is raw bravery, and Grace is prepared bravery.

Grace wakes up with amnesia, but still completely educated and with resources. Simon goes down aware, quick learning, but not with an ability to understand the whys. Grace has the technological world at his fingertips. Simon is told nothing until it's too late. Grace is never given a chance to beg for his life once he wakes up with nothing. Simon is a surgery without anesthesia, begging for every chance to end up okay with the slimmest hope of being heard. Grace gets a little alien friend to help him at every turn. Simon's little alien friend's idea of helping is taking him out back to be shot with ascension.

Most notably, Grace has minutes, weeks, years. He has so much time to be productive, to learn, to grow, to prepare himself for his bravery. Simon has seconds. Maybe minutes, if the blood is being particularly nice.

This can also be turned on its head, of course. Grace is brave because he does it anyway. If he wanted, he didn't have to be brave. He could've not stuck out his head, not taken his head off, not met the alien, not risk literally everything for the taumoeba. He had years to be a coward, and he could've. He would've regretted it, and hated himself, but he could've not been brave.

But Simon never got that luxury. It was fight or die. Ram at full speed and risk the ship, or die. Barter with every scrap or die. Scream and sob and irradiate yourself and feel the hivemind ocean curdle your skin and fight. or. die. And in that way, it's hard to say whether it was adrenaline or bravery that made him survive as long as he did, or whether the two options are just different sides of the same coin.

Again, I'm not saying that either of these men are, like, better than the other. What I'm saying is that Simon loses his temper because he is terrified out of his mind, but he also cries just as much as Grace does in the span of a few hours/days. He is a trembling chihuahua in a dog fighting ring. Grace is terrified, but he is allowed joy, acceptance, companionship and choice, even when so much of his situation was chosen for him. If the situations were swapped, I'm not sure if Grace would survive even half as long. I'm not sure if Simon would be brave enough to save the world.

(edit: as a commenter [larix-laricina] also put it, Grace has someone to fight for. He has a reason to be brave, his kids and then Rocky. Simon has a plant at the very most. he fights because there is nothing left to fight for. So in the chance they swap places without having their memories changed, Simon would probably just live and die cozy in his spaceship, considering it blood retirement. Rocky would have to fight for every step if they even met)

I understated what his driving forces were. Because he did have things to fight for. Or at least, he had things that he wanted to fight for, but that he believed it was too late to win the fight. He had Eden, his seed, his mother, the tree of life and the resurrection of nature. And he had the stars. He wanted to go back so badly to a world before the quiet rapture. he wanted to have a future.

Yes. He wouldn't have the scientific backing if he just suddenly swapped spots with a comatosed Grace. But he, a man who has just spent the last who knows how long in a prison cell during a food and life shortage, would have weeks of time indulging in the Mary, treasuring every little thing (actual vodka!!!) and learning SO much and just staring out the window for hours at a time. A man who is finally allowed time to breathe and process, allowed the ability to rest his bones and discover, allowed Grace's soft cardigans and proper hygiene? Already used to being alone, being treated clinically if at all? The way this man would unfurl.

Now, he'd still be the same guy. But what I'm saying is that when Rocky shows up and inevitably barges his way in (and he would have to do all the barging in at first, Simon would be wayyy too tired of alien shit to treat it like anything but an attack even when Rocky's being friendly) and they start interacting and learning and bonding (and oh how Simon would crumble under the weight of being loved after years of being treated like scum, like bait, like a butcher). When Rocky explains the astrophage issue, explains that they're what ate the stars?

Simon would kill for a chance to keep everything that he'd gained. he would kill a thousand Elli's for the chance to have a future. For the chance to actually live the rest of his life with the stars, with life, with Rocky. It would be different than the submarine. In the submarine, everyone was just using him for their own goals without telling him anything. Eden gave him a tattoo, the COI branded it off. He didn't get any choice ever. But it would be entirely his own choice to make the dive into Adrian's atmosphere, to learn enough to save the world on his own accord. I don't know if he'd be able to get there without the education, but with so much data backed up onto the ship, I fully believe he would at least try his very hardest. I think his raw bravery would translate really well into prepared bravery, given enough time.

I also want to say that Grace would last pretty decently long in the blood ocean, but without the baseline knowledge of Eden, I don't think he'd be able to kill Elli. I think Ava would be more inclined to help him when she notices the change, but she'd still send him down. Without any access to literally anything, his education is completely irrelevant. I honestly think it'd be a coinflip on whether he'd trust Elli and go into the star, or if he'd get the black box secured and then just get completely consumed. He definitely has raw bravery, we know that from Adrian and saving the taumoeba the way he did. I just don't know if it's enough without the seed in his hand, without the driving force of channeling years of damage into power and fighting as the Butcher.

The base point of my character analysis was mostly just to show the depth of the characters, because I see a lot of people draw/write Simon to be angry and masculine, and Grace as ONLY happy and weaker. When in their respective movies, they're both so complex and human that it hurts.

Pronouns

An accent

It's not a big part of my life, that I ever really feel bad about everything that I'll be missing out. But I do mourn it occasionally. I will never experience childbirth, even though I would love to rear one simply out of scientific curiosity on what it would do to my body. I was considering surrogacy for a while, getting to grow a parasite in me and then watch along its growth into an adult as the cool auntle (my enby version of aunt/uncle). But I'd rather transition before it becomes illegal. so my bloodline will end with me.

In the same vein. I was a teen girl. But I also really never was. I was a traumatized enby in a teen girl's body, and by the time I started to see this body as mine, I was beyond teen years. And I'm not even close to really accepting this body as mine still now. It'd be really interesting, in that sciencey way, to have actually been a teen girl. Just like it would have been really interesting to have been a teen boy. Or to have been pregnant. Or to have surrogated a child and been their auntle. To an extent, I hate that I'll never get that. All I can do is live every day and try as hard as I can to feel it. And hope that I can live as many days as possible, or at least as many as I desire. That i can life long enough to tell my stories.

Between watching DWP2 and PHM, my mind is currently obsessed with valuing every single day that I have in this world. Maybe I'm trapped in a flesh body that makes no sense, but it's mine.