Brain Log.

at once

and suspend.

I generally start with something heartbreaking. Move on a little, there's a party going on. Something that makes a lot of sense. And then all of a sudden, I am very confused. At crossroads of crossroads, I stand with people pointing me at different people pointing at different directions. Like snakes and ladders. I see someone ANGRY. VERY ANGRY. Asking. Seeking to know whether anyone else had -- THIS, they respond. Introducing me of things that have happened. Reminding me how I have forgotten. Life was not like this. It was more of -- You know the way it is with words used to compare things. They are slippery and vanish away as my thoughts land on them. Both in meaning and feeling. But life HAS changed I shout this to myself. Terrified of not being able to hear, as I am drowning in the streams of consciousness.

That evening, or was it an afternoon, changed it for me. Over two decades it was, living together, but yet I couldn't see. Indeed, I had saved it up a lot of it. But of what use was it? I've never used it meaningfully. Love, one of the useless emotions it ended up to be. But what was that all about? She was not as unreasonable as it seemed. Unspoken it was. Or was I just deaf to everything? It didn't matter at all for me, until that moment when I could see it was the only thing, the only thing, that mattered to her. I used to tell my friends about how I cried while reading a book or, worry about a lonely robot or, relate to aliens on dessert planets talking in made-up languages. But that day I was unable to hear a real one, the mother tongue.

This is unrelated to -- is it not? But I cannot -- stop. Coming. All together as one. Stuck and always moving.

No, I've not been lying about it. I mean, some but not overall. It's just that the truth is there, just not with one person as a whole. Some bounced on dead ears, so that's that. Some got misunderstood and became someone else's, yes and that also happens. But what do I want to do with it? I don't have an answer for that. Most of it just visit me at random combinations of words and people, as if it's been waiting all along. Either to get me or get to me. You see, confidence has lost itself now. What am I going to do now that will complete another of this circle? It's just adding up every day. Maybe multiplying would help. When I think about it, it is not worse than before. No more wins, no fewer defeats. Margins vary. Soaring and crashing, but also a lot of sideways shifts. Less meaningful than what I'm trying to say now, but still has its consequences. Like a true translation too sincere in what it wants to convey.