it's only been 24 hours and i'm still exhausted. me and nelson are fighting again; this morning, this afternoon and this evening in the car. dinner was decent but then i noticed while i'm trying to talk to him, he's looking for an audio book to listen to. but then it dawned on me that over time, he always listens to an audio book in the car or at dinner or in any situation where he has to talk to us. or if there is a family outing. i think he just wants to escape us but he'll never admit it because that requires him to temporarily maybe be perceived as the bad guy. he always waits for me to say this harder things that he wants to say or that we both want to say. it's fucked up. he's never blunt with me or honest about how he truly feels.

i know it's all because of how he will be perceived. he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he doesn't want people or someone to be able to be like "hey he did/said something really fucking shitty." that's classic narcissism imo. but then when he does slip and do something horrible or say something horrible, he then proceeds to blame it on the other party. he'll never take accountability. it sucks. i mean we had this long text convo last night about what the future holds and what should we do and he kept throwing weird remarks my way to try and villainize me and i wasn't even coming at him in any nefarious way.

i'd made a comment about what does our future hold and he said "well you won't marry me bc you'll lose your SS check." i'm stunned by the response. mostly because he said it in such a way like i choose money over marriage. i guess i am, but i have to think of my children. i already can't hardly get by financially and then to marry him and lose an additional $981 a month. no. that's not smart long term. we can get married but not for another few years. sorry. but mostly, he forgets that he hasn't even proposed. he's never considered it. anytime i bring up marriage anyway, he gets pissy or weirdly defensive about why he won't propose and that if i proposed then he'd deny me. idk. it felt like he was reaching into a hat and pulling out things to use against me when there wasn't any reason to do that. it felt odd.

this morning i told cornbread "i'm gonna beat your ass!" when she jumped on the kitchen table and tried to eat my breakfast. (i would never do that obvi, just said it out loud.) and Nelson looks up at me and with this menacing stare and smirk on his lips says, "you don't have the fucking muscle to hit me." and i was just stunned. it triggered me. for some reason he obsesses over the thought of hitting me. so many times in the past we'd be in an argument and he'd yell "hit me! hit ME!" over and over again or tell me that he'd beat the fuck out of me if i ever laid a hand on him. it's like he fantasizes over the thought of hitting me or taking me down. it's like he truly wants a reason to hurt me. it disgusts me because i've been hit too many times by men. for him to obsess over the thought of laying hands on me make me feel ill. i went the fuck out off on him for saying such a thing when i wasn't even speaking to him and addressed his obsession with hitting me and he told me to stop nagging. he followed me into the bedroom trying to continue the argument and i had to yell at him to leave me the fuck alone. i was sick of it.

is it bad when i found out that he's going camping with billy tomorrow that i got this sense of relief? like i'm so glad that i don't have to deal with him or worry about him up in my shit or holding me back or making me feel like shit for going out with my sister tomorrow night. that can't be a healthy type of relationship. obvi not. jesus. at this point i don't know if there will ever be a chance of rekindling anything. i don't know if i want to.

i had the thought today that i wish i NEVER accepted his advances and we just buried that shit deep down and moved on. i thought that he should have just stayed with Taryn and married her and i would've grieved Tyler in peace and be friends with Nel and Taryn and they help me through shit etc. He'd be an uncle to the kids and eventually i'd have met someone down the road that was good for me and there wasn't this rich history of trauma and ugliness and lying and cheating.

i really do wish i could go back in time and do it all over. because if i could, i'd have told him that he could go home the day after Tyler died or that i wouldn't have stopped my his apartment with jenny to see him or that i wouldn't have kissed him back the second time he tried. that i'd have hugged him and told him i loved him, but only like a brother, and that his future and heart will always lay with Taryn. i'd have got off the couch and told him that i'll call him in a few days and send him texts everyday to let him know i'm okay but that we needed distance to let our heads level out. i'd have encouraged him to lean into Taryn for love and support and focus on the two of them. if he tried to stop me, i'd have been stern and told him that Tyler wouldn't want this. not so soon. it was too soon.

quite honestly, i shouldn't have let him stayed the night during hospice. he should have stayed home at night and only come during the day to help if he saw fit. i would have gotten by. i would have called him the night Tyler died and told him to come and after tyler had passed and the funeral home had took him, i'd tell them to go on home and i'd have my dad stay with me. but i didn't. i made just about every wrong decision. i wasn't thinking clearly. my brain got muddied with nelson the moment we chased each other through the house with shaving cream and he got on top of me. it didn't get weird in indiana, it didn't get weird the first couple nights he stayed, not at all. i kept my head level. i didn't even consider the thought of nelson being anything to me. but the moment he poked that bear, it awoke from hibernation.

I finally started my period but I've gained so much weight and i'm so bloated from the excessive overeating. I don't know what to do. well, i know what to do, i'm just scared to do it. brooke came over tonight for me to take the metformin but i bitched out. mostly because me and nelson were texting all evening about basically splitting up.

i talk so much shit on him but i honestly have a hard time imagining life without him around him. but, not romantically tho. i think i just see him as a coparent or roommate or best friend idk. like i love him and have love for him, but i also don't know if it's romantic anymore. it bothers me. i want to be in love with him and be happy and be a joyful family together, but i feel like too much damage has been done. too many things have been said, too much trauma has happened and our families don't even like each other anymore and kinda rightfully so.

i'm really sad about this, but then there's this part of me that wants to breathe. i dont know anymore. i hate this feeling. i think i'm sleeping into a weird state of numbness and sadness. my relationship is falling apart which will ultimately rearrange my entire life i've built up down to who takes Louie to school and who does the laundry. it's weird to think about. i'm also severely depressed about my body and my face. my cravings for food constantly are ruining my life. i wish i had the courage to try the metformin. i really do. and i pray that it actually makes a differene.

aside from all of that, i find my self obsessing over caroline's stupid bitch ass. i sat down with her saturday night with everyone else and we talked for a lil bit and i could just tell she does not care for me, was texting rhiannon about me, and was just visibly disgusted by me and it felt like everyone there knew that she hated me, like at some point or another, i had been the topic of conversation about why i wasn't liked or what i had possibly done wrong to her (which I couldn't even begin to tell you wtf i did to caroline other than not like her ass buddy rhi) and tbh that shit has played in my head over and over again. idk why i care so much and why it bothers me so much that she doesn't like me. possibly bc i really haven't done anything to her? that it stems from rhiannon and that whole crowd talking shit about me and her forming an opinion based on that? plus, she knows for a fact what that fugly cunt said about layla, me and tyler and that speaks volume on her character. maybe it was just more than rhi tho. maybe it was dex, paris, kuds, and prolly even jp, jeremy, jay etc had something to say too at some point.

either way, it bothers me. it irks me. i find myself thinking of scenarios where i go tf off or finally get my word in with her. tbh, i don't really like her when i think about it and even if she did hear my side and change her tone on me, i wouldn't want to be her friend. she's very male centered, prissy af despite how much she plays the "one of the bros" card, very performative, and just down right cocky, hateful and mean girlish. i don't like that shit. i like a girls girl, ACTUAL genuine androgyny, and being a bitch rightfully and tastefully to those who actually deserve it.

idk, that whole crew has me triggered. like i feel ike jp and jeremy don't actually like me. i feel like it's fake or something. like they really make fun of me or have nasty opinions of me behind my back. but, they keep you around or play nice to your for some reason. for all i know, i'm over thinking it.

i feel like such a loser about it too. it sucks to feel this way. i feel like my past haunts me, the fact i'm fat makes people not care for me as much and they really mainly judge me off of others words and actions from over a decade ago. i am not the same person that i was back in 2013-2019. i'm not. i made dumb choices like abortions, fucking bailey, being stupid and immature and annoying, but i never did anything to these people to hurt them or anyone they love, so why treat me this way? most of my bs was self inflicted anyway. like oh i made you cringe? oh i made you go wow i would never? okay, cool. did i fucking harm you personally? did i fuck your man? did i stab you? did i call your kid a retard? no? oh okay so why you treating me this way. matter of fact, why play nice and invite me to shit to just make shit awkward for me.

like i know JP truly doesn't like me dude. the look on his face when he seen me role up at the Coffee Pot was actually hurtful. dude looked like he saw a ghost that he did NOT want to be visited by. he gave caroline a ride there to see the band. which tells me this guy made plans with everyone to go out there, coordinated a plan with caroline to pick her up and take her home, which requires in depth convo, and yet i text him all the time on snapchat and he leaves me on fucking read. JP chooses to not speak to me or have a relationship with me. it's pathetic. when he made friends with that coffee shop crew, me or hell even jacob didn't exist to him anymore. it's fucked. i know i sound like a psycho, but this shit bothers me and it goes through my head all the time. more than i'd like to admit and i won't admit to anyone but the journal.

maybe it's because i lack confidence. if i was confident in myself, my crowd and my life, then i wouldn't give two flying fucks what anyone thinks about me or what they say or how they act towards me. i wish i had that confidence and i don't know how to get it back. i think i should start with the crowd i hang with. it doesn't help that i had kelli with me saturday so i know they formed an opinion on that right away. i need to remember that i went to college, accomplished many goals, have a nice home and a beautiful family, and that i'm just fat. i can fix fat. i can loose weight and be socially accepted in that sense. i know i'm pretty cool and have good interests and can carry conversation well and i'm pretty funny too. all people have on me is my past decisions, like being in a lot of drama when i was late teens/early twenties, abortions and fucking bailey.

i've got to lose weight. asap. i know that for sure. if i lose weight in my face and around my body, i'll feel better in my clothes and feel better in public. people would prolly treat me a little better. and i got to hold my head up and know my worth. i'm not my past. i am who i am now. and anyone who doesn't want to take the time to know me now, ain't worth my time.

Happy Halloween? Not really. Nelson made sure to fucking ruin another occasion once again. Why you ask? Because he's an insecure little fucking sissy bitch. He came into the bedroom and said "I'm not trying to start an argument, but since you're in heat, do i need to worry about other dudes sniffing you out?" Before he could even finish I flipped the fuck out. He quite literally compared me to a dog in heat bc I confided in him about my sex drive being higher since I hit my 30s, then when I got home I asked him if he wanted a quickie and tried to flirt but he shot me down and I was fine. I didn't freak. I just went okayyyy with a pouty face then started getting ready and that's when he came in there and said that. So, like a said, INSECURITY! He literally has it in his head that I'll just fuck some dude at Martin's because his pathetic dick won't work. No, sorry. I may be a pos, but I'm really not a fucking cheater. I HATE that cheating shit. I've flirted in passing, but never cheated. He's a fucking idiot.

So, we fight. Badly. I give him the silent treatment and he nags and nags and nags and nags until I cave and we start fighting again. He just kept pushing, manipulating, retelling stories to fit his narrative, lying, gaslighting and just being fucking cruel. I gave it right back too and called him on all his shit. I've barely spoken to him and I have no desire too. I played nice when Billy and Nora were here so they could look at him weird if he ever tried to say some shit to them about me, but once they left, I went back to avoiding him.

He really tried to ask me why I wasn't going out. I wanted to fucking hit him. Viciously. I told him he ruined that for me just like he did writing. I love writing here, but it's not the same as my journal. He took that privacy, intimacy and coping mechanism from me. He perverted something sacred that I've done since I was 11. Now, as I'm starting to get my life back and go out again and make friends and have fun, he's trying to pervert that too. He can't fucking stand it. He hates when I'm happy and he hates when I'm happy without him. He's prolly scared I'll find someone better or whatever. BUT I'M NOT FUCKING LOOKING. If anything I'm TRYING to figure a way WITHOUT HIM. He's ruining everything for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He'shald way decent at helping financially and taking Layla to school, lmao. Like other than that, well, I'm not writing it all out again. You already know.

I don't know what to do anymore. He's made it to where I never wanna go out again. It's exactly what he wants, and I'm gonna give it to him, and I'm gonna make his life a living fucking hell. A LIVING FUCKING HELL. I'm gonna make him suffer until he caves and leaves. I want him to fucking leave. Then when he's gone I can have my journal and weekends back.

I'm sick and my party is friday. fuck. I really hope i'm going to be feeling better by then. there is so much to do. i have to go grocery shopping, dye more sheets, get more sheets, make jello shots, decorate the house some more, put valuables up and make all the food. I'm so scared i'm not gonna be better in time or that i'm gonna over do it and feel worse.

fucking melisa just messaged me telling me she's listening to a7x and crying for tyler. it pisses me off tbh. he was MY husband. she treated him like shit, spoke to him like shit, tried to fuck him over for money constantly and withheld savannah from him a lot. i don't want to hear that shit. she's just mourning what she couldn't have. she wanted that white picket fence life with him and he didn't want it with her bc she was ratchet and white trash af. he found me and i was the one for him. she hated him for that. she even said so herself. like he's mine. he will always be mine and in the afterlife, we will be each others for forever. i'm very possessive of my husband and i'll be god damned if his ex is gonna message me that shit. that was my baby. the love of my life. i yearn for him and his touch and love every fucking day. she's just a drunk mess thinking back on what she missed out on bc she's a piece of white trash and wanted tyler for what he had and could do. i wanted him bc i loved his soul and wanted to merge my soul with his. she can fuck off with her crusty gutter punk boyfriends and one night stands.

I went to the nutritionist today and my weight hasn't budged. i'm not surprised though and i kinda seen that coming. I'm a fucking slob. i can't put the fork down and i crave sugar so bad. it's like none of my spells are working. i'm losing weight so slowly or just staying the same. it's so frustrating. i think i'm doing my spells wrong or something. i don't know what else to do other than take the metformin and start my hypnosis again to trigger my brain back into the rhythm of discipline over food. it's helped every time i do it, so it should help some. i need to nut the fuck up and just take the god for saken metformin. this is getting ridiculous. i should be totally fine taking it. if not, then i'll stop it and figure something else out. but, it should be okay!

tonight i'll start the hypnosis and tomorrow will be a new day. i'll start slowly doing the strength training that Kathy recommended. i know it's the discipline and insulin resistant making me crave carbs. it's insanity.

as far as nelson, same ol same ol. i've been doing fucking everything while sick. he doesnt help with fucking anything!! i hope that new psych doc puts him on some good shit so he'll straighten the fuck out and be a fucking decent functioning man. my dad was right, i dont go after men anymore. i go after sissies. and he really is one. he's so self entitled too and insecure.

What a week. Between my family, drama with them, my mom, typical Jareds attitude, my sister being a bum and not leaving my house and Nelson just continuing to make me resent him... UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. On top of it all, I'm sick, feel like shit and have been struggling with feeling detatched from everything and everyone. it's like i'm not present in the moment and i feel nothing all at once. last night i felt a small moment of life, but i couldn't feel it full force. i can't tell if it's the brain injury or PTSD or DD. this sucks so bad too because i've been happier, doing more, feel some better, yet i'm still so out of touch with reality and on top of it i'm still body shaming myself constantly.

no matter how hard i try or amount of spells i do; nothing seems to help. i know i need to try the metformin but i'm so scared to do it. i'll do it after my party. THAT IS FINAL!!! that has to work!!! it was to!! that's my last chance. to add insult to injury, i'm super late on my period. i've taken three pregnancy tests and they're all negative. either i'm fucking pregnant and it's not showing up yet, or my PCOS is at an all time low. it has to be my pcos right? i'm craving sugar to the MAXXX, my face is super swollen, i'm bloated, facial hair and angry AFFFF(testosterone) .

it's like world won't let me have it all. i can have happiness and better health but not skinniness too. if i get to be skinny or the weight i wanna be at least, then i have to give up my health and happiness. it's ridiculous. i would just like to look normal in clothes!!!! it'd be great if i could wear what i wanted comfortably or not have hair all over my stomach or face or have more hair on my head or not be so angry or be able to sleep better or not crave sugar constantly or not have a swollen/puffy face or have a normal period etc. i could go on all day but i don't feel good.

my sister has been over here being a fucking bum. she's so annoying. she laughs at everything, even fucked up stuff and can't read a room worth a fuck, she drinks like a fucking fish and it's actually depressing. i don't know who she is anymore. sometimes i miss the skinny two faced bitch that she use to be. now she's a gross, bummy, drunk who stinks like actual shit and mildew. i'm too fucking nice bc i don't know how to tell her to leave and go back to our parents house. she's wore out her welcome and she's wearing my clothes and asking to drive my car.

my mom is severely on drugs right now. she's been popping muscle relaxers and kpins like candy all the while down with a fucking PE in her lung. it's incredibly reckless and stupid yet totally on par for my mom. dad has been putting everything on me and even made a shitty comment to me today about how i haven't been out there in 3 or 4 days and need to come check on her and take her to the ER. he was like "it's always one me! i shouldn't have to do everything!" i almost screamed at him, but i contained myself down to a harsh "are you being fucking for real? i take three days with my kids and that's an inconvenience to you?!" he started to back track then and go after my sisters for not doing enough. but i'm thinking...that's you're wife. she's your responsibility first. she's not my first responsibility, my kids are. same with my sisters. my dad has always wanted to just shove my mom off on anyone else. he doesn't want to deal with any of it and it's fucked up that he expects ME of all people to handle it all. never mind my health conditions, my job, my kids, my household, my daughters illnesses. it's so selfish and it makes me so fucking angry and resentful towards him. no matter what i do or sacrifice, it's never good enough. i'm about to step back and not do shit and then they'll see everything that i do for them. maybe then they'll open their eyes.

Well, life has been interesting and eventful to say the least. I've been going to the club every Saturday now. I feel like I'm living out a life that I haven't been able to live because of my health and because I was letting Nelson control everything i did. Not anymore tho. My health isn't perfect, but I know how to manage it; if i get tired, then I go sit down for a second or take a break outside. When I know I can't go anymore, then I leave and go home. I've made some cool friends since I've started going too. Steph is so nice and she's super understanding of my POTS and seems to be patient with me about it. I like Brian a lot but he's super shy, tbh. It would be cool if my friends that I already have would come with me, but everyone is homebodies now because they either do drugs or drink, are antisocial or let their partners control their life. I'm done with all that shit. I have one life to live; I'm going out and doing what I want and I'm not letting a lame ass health condition get in the way or a fucking man.

I will say my love life has been...interesting. that's putting it lightly. Greear has been weirdly flirting with me over messenger and Chad is TRYINGGGG to get it in with me. I'm not attracted to either of them though, even though they're both fine af and I know Greaar is huge. (Idk if Chad is, he probably has a tiny dick tbh.) IDK, everyone thinks I'm crazy for not finding them attractive or wanting to throw Nelson away from them. Which, I'm not the type to cheat. I've done shady shit in the past and let me tell you, I'm not built for it. Even when me and Tyler were split up and I fucked Bailey, it ate me up inside and I told him immediately. If i were to actually cheat...bro, I'd prolly just kill myself. I suck at lying and I can NOT keep that shit secret. I don't know. I'm just not built like people like Kelli or Katrina.

Oh, and there was an interesting moment between me and my doctor??? He was being kinda flirty with me I think. He was asking me what club I got to, oddly interested in me and Nelson's troubles and even was able to get me in for OMT asap. I don't know I'm probably reading into too much, but it felt weird. It felt different. It was like I was talking to a friend the whole appt and then he asks about a papsmere?? Idk. The interaction was weird. Although, that is someone i AM attracted too. I would throw it all down for him lmao. I was thinking of telling him at my next appt that he should totally try clubbing at the Park. Not really invite him but entice the idea maybe? Then I could run into him there and it would be cool af to hang out with him. Pipe dream, lmao.

As far as me and Nelson, ever since I've been going through this awakening and discovering myself, the more I'm losing attraction to him. Everything thing he does annoys me. I'm not sure why but it's like even the way he speaks pisses me off. He's pretty lazy and then when he does do something he suppose to, he does it very poorly and it's like willful incompetence or he's just so fucking lazy that he couldn't be bothered to do something or complete a task correctly. He'll ruin the laundry, not clean shit correctly or fully, won't cook or even try to cook for the family, doesn't try to fix his debt and just continues to rack up debt on TEMU, leaves things in complete disarray or filth and is just content with living in those cinditions? He like NEVER cleans up after himself. His side of the room is always gross, he still hasn't gone through his stuff in the basement, he doesn't take care of his bird at all, he leaves his shit shoved in corners all piled up and cluttered. He's just...gross. I imagine his parents taught him that type of behavior because it look similar to how his mom's hotel room looked. Just filthy and cluttered and lazy and MEAN AS FUCK.

Dude, I can't even make a recommendation on something. He's even admitted he hates being told what to do. Even if it's something small like, "Hey I think you should probably stop putting your bags in the floor because the dog will tear them up and people keep tripping over them" He the proceeds to get this evil snarl on his face and tell me he basically doesn't gaf and despite it people a good idea, the fact that I told him, then he'll never do it. I mean fuck when I told him to not wipe his mom pussy anymore and stop putting vaseline on her asshole and clit, he screamed for me to never tell him what to do with his mom. Atp i was like holy shit dude wants to fuck his mom.

I don't know, it's bad though. I feel like I only stay with him for financial reasons, his love for the kids and his help with Layla, small tasks and help with stuff, and that's about it. I do love him and care for him but it's not really romantic anymore. It's basically platonic and he's a roommate at this point. I really don't even want to have sex with him. The thought of it kind of grosses me out. Which I guess isn't such a bad thing because he never wants to have sex. Maybe like twice a month.

It just sucks because I miss having a partner that I could be romantic with and still be attracted too even despite the tough times. I always felt attracted to Tyler, yearned for him and loved him so much. With Nelson, not so much. it feels like I'm only with him for convenience of all the things I said atp. I'm prolly a monster for saying that. I feel like I sound like Josh, but fuck, it's true. Nelson doesn't try to romance me, love me, stay faithful, respect me, or even remotely give a fuck about me or my interests. He's so self absorbed.

God bless I miss Tyler. I wish I could just feel an ounce of the love and happiness and euphoria I felt the first year we were together. He made everything feel so magical. He was the love of my life tbh. Even through the bad, he was the loml. I don't think I'll ever find that feeling that Tyler gave me. I don't think I'll ever find someone else that will love me. Guessing I'll just stick out with Nelson for as long as possible.

Lately, life has been fun. I went out two days in a row and it was magnificent. Especially on Saturday. Katrina kind of ruined my Friday to a degree, but Saturday was definitely my redemption night.

Friday me, Brooke and Katrina went to Martin's downtown to see GAK! and it was my first night out with friends in a hot minute. Like over a year I think. Unfortunately, Katrina showed her ass and didn't consider that it was also my night out too. I didn't want to babysit her or drive her back and forth everywhere. I feel like she was belligerent, high af on Adderall, she drank a shit load of liquor within a matter of an hour and just flat out selfish because she's so use to people doing everything for her and taking care of everything/her with her not having to think of anything or anyone. It really made me bummed to be honest. David told me that she came home, drank more, showed her ass and woke the kids up then proceeded to call her ex husband like nine times.

I didn't get home until 2:30 am because I had to fucking drive her all the way to Botetourt. Nelson was really sympathetic to everything and felt bad for me. Luckily, the next my mom was willing to keep Layla for me and Jared went to Oliver's house for a sleepover, so me, Nelson and Logan went out to Martin's for a redemption night. We met up with Kelli, Ray, Macey, and Josh. It was all fun, but they were drinking too much for my taste and doing coke out in their cars so I suggested we go to the Park and so the three of us went. (After me and Logan rode scooters thru downtown and it was so fucking fun.)

The club was so fun! It's changed so much since I was last there. (2015?) We all danced, they drank some, we met new people and made new friends. It was amazing. The most fun I've had in a long time. I'm literally still living off that high to be honest. It makes me want to go out every weekend, but I know that's unrealistic. However, if I can make it happen ethically, especially with my kids, then I'll do it. I'm already making plans to go out Halloween night after the kids go Trick r treating. GAK! will be playing again at Martin's on Halloween, so I'm super hype for that. I hope we get to go downtown and have a blast. I haven't been downtown since Halloween 2015. Me and Tyler dressed as Keaneu Reeves in every movie ever and Aileen Wournos. That was such a fun night too. More fun than the Halloween night of 2013.

I remember that we got a text from Nelson saying that he was downtown at the block party so we threw together a last minute outfit and went down there. It was so much fun going through our wardrobe and putting our fits together. I loved it so much. I wish my memory wasn't such ass because I know there was so much more to that night than what I can remember.

With time passing, I'm confident that I'll be happier, healing more, and losing weight to be honest. I want to be more fit and active. I want to be able to dance at the club and walk around downtown without getting so damn exhausted, out of breath and tachycardic.