"To 2025. May it not totally fuck us in the ass." <3
2024 / 2023 / 2022 / 2021 / 2020 /2019 / 2018 / 2017 / 2016 // @almostdisaster
casper can't help feeling his age these days. maybe it's been a hard few months, and they're making him feel older but none the wiser. for his whole life, he has felt too much in tune with his negative emotions. he's always been completely aware of when he takes a turn for the worst, but he hardly notices when things are easier. casper has been trying to be more mindful about the good side of life. he has always kept a journal, and this year, his little daughter lottie insisted on picking it out. she chose a bright yellow, faux leather affair and stuck a sunflower sticker on it. then she told her dad off for complaining that i didn't think flowers had faces, because yes they do. then another, older child, avery, pointed out that anatomically speaking, flowers do have faces, it's just that they don't have eyes and teeth to make up that wide grin on casper's sticker.
his notebook is on his lap this evening. the antlers have been talking about new years resolutions. he doesn't like being open about what he's working on, so he creates harmless ones that he intends to achieve anyway. cook more. yeah, no duh, he's got four kids. well, three since rosie left for uni. another one from last year that he allowed his family to be privy to was to reorganise at least one room in the house, once a month. go through everything they have in there and decide what to keep. that was actually pretty hard, and he didn't make it every month, but more or less. in actuality, his goals this year were to write down three good things from every day. he's embarrassed about it, and embarrassed by the results from it. some days, he really had to think about it. weeks went by when 'had a good coffee.' and other banalities were all he could enter.
but he's fiercely determined tonight. rosie came home for christmas, but had plans with friends for new year's, so she isn't here. it won't be long before the twins are in big school. avery's growing up too. it shouldn't matter that his own life has been full of a kind of sadness he has never quite been able to shake, he is totally committed to being the best father he can be for the kids still under his roof. he made a lot of mistakes with rosie which he can never forgive himself for, but he's cleaned up his act since then. his family gives him a reason for that. he has always been too in tune with his negative emotions, but now he is determined to focus on the kids. starting new hobbies with them, making time for them. making time for sam. appreciating her for all of her support and her love through periods when he is sure he had been correct that he had not deserved her.
so in his notebook is a name, and three things he will do for these people over the course of the coming year.
rosie. reach out more, ask how her studies are going, send her money every once in a while to buy whatever she wants.
avery. learn watercolour painting with him, take him on solo trips once a month, read his book recommendations (and actually read them).
charlotte. make more of an effort to engage her individual interests, redecorate her bedroom, take her on solo trips once a month (repeat this with jules, creating space for them to grow as individuals and a pair. if they want to do things together, that's fine too).
jules. redecorate his bedroom, initiate more conversations with him, organise play dates with other kids from school.
this was trickier. he is tempted to say that he loves her as much as he is able to, but that does them both a disservice. he loves her more than he can ever put into words, even as a writer. he doesn't know what he would do without her. how can he show that and still make it feel natural?
casper zones back into the moment at hand, having lost touch while he tried to figure out how to make 2025 his best, most loving year for his beloved soul mate. he is just in time for the countdown. huh, weird coincidence. ah, no, someone had touched him. sam is sat closest, and is likely the culprit. she's watching lottie and jules on the carpet as they navigate some disagreement casper missed because he had been too far away in his head. she's composed and cool, eyes flittering calmly between the two as they talk. casper's own gaze travels from wife to children as he keys in on their discussion.
"that's a stupid resolvement," lottie sneers. sam's lips part to say something, but she changes her mind.
"daddy says there's no stupid reason to get better, actually," jules isn't a loud kind of child, but he's proud and he knows himself.
casper smiles. that doesn't sound like him at all. there are thousands of stupid reasons casper has used to try to get better, and they change with every new season of his life. but if that's the takeaway that his child has had from some throwaway thing that he's said in passing which has been internalised.
cas looks over at sam, who has her eyebrows raised, and a smirk on her lips. casper nods sagely.
"clever man," he says, adjusting humbly in his seat. "what do you think, babe?"
sam doesn't reply immediately. she scoots herself a little closer, cas moves his journal out of the way, and then it's just the two of them. they're young again, but maybe they're young still. maybe it doesn't even matter if they're young at all, so long as those are her eyes staring at him, and her coy lips opening to greet the new year.
"to 2025," she says, and though casper knows that it's coming, he is still hanging on her every word, "may it not totally fuck us in the ass."
"truer words were never spoken," he replies, pausing to kiss her. then he says, "or maybe you've said that before, i can't quite remember."
sam. love her loudly, even in the quiet moments. be the best friend that she has always been for him. be his best.
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