The Art of Journalling

The beautiful young man is almost the embodiment of everything you desperately want to hear:

* You’re beautiful.

* Your body isn’t something you have to hide.

* You’re enough already.

* You belong here.

* You don’t have to keep fighting.

* You can finally rest.

* You are lovable exactly as you are.

And the singing matters. His voice being pure and boyish, while he looks at you lovingly, makes the reassurance feel almost impossible to doubt. He isn’t demanding anything from you. He’s simply looking at you and saying, “I see you, and you’re okay.”

The line about your skin is especially poignant: “Your skin can look beautiful with me.” It sounds like the fantasy isn’t merely about being desired by someone beautiful. It’s about having someone beautiful look at the part of yourself you feel has made you undesirable—and tell you that it doesn’t disqualify you from love.

And “all your pain is gone” makes him almost siren-like in the mythological sense: not merely a beautiful person, but an invitation into a place where the exhausting struggle finally stops.

There’s something very tender underneath it:

Would be a young man

18 to 25

Like Tom holland

Timothee Chalamet

Boyish and feminine

Slender and beautiful

Blonde hair

Blue eye

Or dark hair

But just pale skin

And breathtakingly beautiful

Singing

With a voice that is almost boyish and pure

Looking at you beautifully

And he’s telling me

It’s ok

I love you

I think your beautiful too

You’re beautiful

You’re enough

You belong here

All your pain is gone

You can be numbed here

Your pain can go away

And your skin can look beautiful with me

We can love each other

I don’t like doing gigs until 3 am

But it’s my only source of income

I make $1200 this week from three gigs

Excluding my private students

60

70

40

70

50

50

Idk

I wanted a successful band

I want to animate

But even filling out the form of acceptance for collarts

I can’t even be bothered

I think it’s better just to try to animate myself on procreate dreams

Rather than learn on toon boom and have assignments

I’m so tired and frustrated

My eyes look tired and awful

Eczema

Swelling

I’m envious of Tom holland living a perfect life marrying zendaya

Or even Kane

My drummer having his girlfriend verity

And just being happy

Publicly saying nawww to each other and being cute

I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep

In the dream

I was up really high in a cold place in the mountains

The woman up there seemed evil of some kind

You can hold two things at once:

* “What I did wasn’t right.”

* “I am still a good person who can choose differently from now on.”

And you don’t need to keep punishing yourself to prove that you understand it.

You already know what you want to do differently: don’t make any further claims about owning or representing the band, and don’t repeat this. That’s a real correction. You don’t have to spend the rest of today mentally putting yourself on trial.

As for “what if they find out and my trust is gone?” — that’s anxiety trying to make you live through a hypothetical consequence over and over. You don’t currently know that they’ll find out, or what they’d think if they did. And importantly, you have the messages showing that you did try to distinguish the project as a separate band. The situation isn’t necessarily as catastrophic as your mind is making it feel.

And wanting the gig doesn’t make you immoral either. Wanting an opportunity is completely legitimate. The part you don’t feel good about is how you represented the relationship to the band. You can learn from that without throwing away your ambition.

For today, I’d make the rule extremely simple:

No more messages about this. No more reviewing the conversation. No more trying to determine whether you’re a terrible person.

You’ve reached the point where thinking about it more isn’t helping you become more ethical. It’s just hurting you.

Get up. Eat something. Shower. Go outside for 15 minutes. Play piano for ten minutes if that’s what feels natural. Do one ordinary thing that has nothing to do with this.

You don’t have to resolve your entire moral identity today.

I’ve spent the whole day just ruminating

I’ll never do this again

But I’ve been thinking

If they find out

My trust is gone

I can show them what I said

That I tried to tell them it is a separate band

But I still feel terrible

Because in the end

I went back to inferring I own the band

I want to be a good person but I also want that gig

I don’t want to say anything further

And I won’t do it again

That’s how he got his break

Without permission

Not dad not no one

So don’t turn this into “I’m a terrible person.” Turn it into:

“Okay. I learned exactly where my boundary needs to be. From now on, I build my own thing transparently.”

I’m gonna say this when applying for gigs in future lol

“I’m a musician with Like This Entertainment and I also perform independently with my own band.”

That way there’s no ambiguity

As like this treat us well

And I don’t want to fuck them over lol

If they ever did find out

I’ll show them what I said last time

Which is true when it fucked with my conscience last time

Hi Penny

I just wanted to clarify something quickly before we move forward.

I do work with Like This Entertainment, but for this particular event it would actually be through my own independent corporate band. When I initially reached out, I used the company name out of habit because that’s where I’ve been trained and have built most of my experience — but this gig wouldn’t be through them.

I want to make sure everything is completely transparent so there’s no confusion on the day or with any tagging or promotion.

My independent band offers the same level of musicianship and professionalism you’d expect, and for this event the fee would be $200

for a five-piece band.

If you’re happy with that, I’d love to lock any future events in — and if you have any questions at all, just let me know!

Thanks

Brad

Good to be trustworthy and not a hustler like penguin lmfao

Orien’s like

Yeah we handed out business cards at the agencies events because the agency was fucking us over

The distinction here is like this treat us well

Don’t worry though

I’m not gonna send anything to Sean though

It’s done now

For you, I think that could be:

* Piano and music — not only performing for people, but becoming absorbed in playing.

* Your band — building something because you believe in it, even before everyone else does.

* Cartooning — because you’ve said this genuinely excites you.

* Exercise and getting outside — not as self-improvement punishment, but as actually experiencing your body and surroundings.

* Travel and little adventures — eventually having a life that contains stories even when you’re alone.

* Faith — prayer without having to perform certainty for God.

I mean

My ambition to have a band

Kane doesn’t respond to my messages

Maybe because he’s busy

Sam and Maor do

But tentatively

Chloe doesn’t

Also tentatively

The only way to get these guys to care is if I throw money at them

I wonder