This is what I see

Kinda want to treat myself to 14 donuts as a reward

I really needed to see that for my mental. I've been obsessing the last few days about saying fuck it and just bumping my calories up to 3000 per day again like I did last summer so I can actually perform in the gym again and put a temporary hold on this diet fatigue, but this gave me the push I needed to stick with it for at least the rest of June

We'll see about July. There's a couple things in August where I'm going to see some people I haven't seen in a while so it would be nice to be down another 10-12 pounds, just for the 'wow factor'.

One of them was a hookup opportunity that I had in May with someone.. just miles and miles out of my league for a few reasons, that of course I fucked up because I talked too much and wanted her to feel like she was safe and respected. I think I was trying to overcompensate for my still bad body image because I couldn't believe I had someone like her in my bed and I just overdid it

Turns out that was a turn off and she got the impression that I wanted a relationship (which I do, but circumstances prevent that with her)

It was pretty easy for me at the start because I did a complete 180 in my habits and weight started coming off pretty quick right away so it was easy to stick to

But after 19 straight months of being in a caloric deficit, saying no to so many things, purposely avoiding certain social gatherings, and complicated the way I approach dating, it’s starting to get exhausting

With that said, I set a goal for myself in October 2022 and while the goal has shifted a few times as my weight has gone down, the one thing that has remained is my dedication to this

As much as it’s sucked at times, the sacrifice has absolutely been worth it because I’ve lost over 120 pounds but at the same time, I’m still kinda fat and it’s getting a little disheartening

I’ve been so consistent and worked so fucking hard on this so to lose 120+ pounds and still be able to grab handfuls of stomach, back, thigh, and love handle fat.. it’s just like.. how much longer do I have to grind this out, you know?

This is what’s getting me to my first statement. It’s not that I’m going to give up, I’ve come way too far to quit now, and I truly love weightlifting and how it makes me feel, but shit man, how much more weight do I have to lose?

I’m currently at the weight that I had set as a “big” goal a while back and thought I was going to look awesome and kinda settle in around this weight so to objectively look at myself and still see at least another 20-30 pounds I want to take off has me feeling, not defeated, but just, I don’t know

On the positive side, while I’m still flabby in areas, I am starting to look kinda good (for me, anyway) especially compared to what I used to look like. That’s honestly night and day. I’d post a before picture but it’s so painful to look at, I don’t want anyone else to see it so any pictures I do end up posting will be somewhere along the journey and current ones

Anyway, I like taking long walks around my neighborhood and to get some steps in so here’s a couple quick hip fire phone pics from my walk today

Kinda feel like an asshole for that but I’ve been in a calorie deficit for like 95% of days over the past 19 months so slip ups are going to happen

I’ve gone from 2XL-3XL down to L in shirts and 40-42 down to 33-35 in pants, depending on brand and style

The immense mental battle that came with clothes shopping I had to endure in the past is completely gone now

Along with that has come a sense of self confidence to be able to look at myself in the mirror and think “you look good” for the first time in my life

To say it’s transformative would be an understatement

Little things like that are such huge wins on this journey

It was a nice addition to hitting a new low weight this morning having dropped a few pounds after stagnating around the same spot for a few weeks

Still averaging 4-6 pounds lost per month and as long as this pace maintains, I’ll hit a pretty notable milestone (and a fun photo op) sometime in August

It’s such a strange feeling to have moments of self awareness where I realize I am carrying myself differently and starting to have a shred of confidence.

Given the success I’ve had with it and the drive I have to keep going, I probably could have gotten a little bit of traction

So now anything I post on here about it will be stuff that’s either outdated or happening currently, which kinda takes a huge chunk out of the whole journey