Tw mentions of ed, sa, trauma
I received the worst treatment from medical and mental health professionals while I was 13-18.
And then, as a result, I was diagnosed with a combination of emotional unstable and paranoid personality disorder when I was just 16.
Because I didnāt forgive my father and the adults that traumatized me.
Because I didnāt forgive the person that caused me childhood trauma and complex ptsd Iām still dealing with at 19.
Because I mistrusted adults after being chronically dismissed and gaslit by therapists, counselors, and doctors for yearsābeen told that my anorexia wasnāt severe enough, that my depression wasnāt bad enough, that I couldnāt possibly have autism, that I was just āa difficultā person.
Because I mistrust adults, especially men, after being groomed and sexually abused by men (and one dishonorable woman)āonly to have my trauma dismissed and used against me by my own therapist. Because I was displaying self-destructive behavior and seeking toxic relationships after being groomed for years.
Again and again, for years, they diminished the seriousness and danger of my eating disorder, because I wasnāt sick enough in their eyesāonly to turn around and look at me like a lost cause when Iām still trapped in the same cycle after 7 years.
Is it so morally wrong of me to hate those people? Those who showed me how āreal anorexicsā look like? Those who told me relationships between minors and adults were okay, because itās ājust loveā? Those who singled me out on the ed ward to bully me while the whole ward watched, but told me I was crazyābecause Iām the bitch diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder at sixteen? Those nurses who told me to stop using autism as an excuse, but dismissed my concerns by recalling my other diagnosis? Those who made me want to die so badly in ED treatment that I had to leave the ward because relapsing at home felt safer?
Mind you, this is just the treatment I received because I sought help for my illnesses that were caused by trauma. This isnāt even the actual trauma, but somehow it felt even worse, even more isolating, because the people who were supposed to help me did the total opposite.
Who do you go to when itās your therapists, your nurses, your psychiatrists, your doctors, the helpline staff that hurt you? Nobody feels safe anymore.
Because trust me, they always take the side of one of themselves. They donāt believe you. They will always choose a stranger who is of the same profession than their own patient.
(If my therapist from back the reads this she would probably add this as another example of me displaying traits of paranoid personality disorder lol.)
