boykinbrownthebird

Skin fight scene without music

I love being able to hear how progressively breathless they get sorry not sorry.

pop quiz time and you will be graded harshly for your answers <3

what is the show saying about dean's relationships with women?

what does the fandom say about dean's relationships with women?

Like John, Dean also has a lot of behaviours that can be summed up as «no one can hurt you but me».

im often thinking about that secret bouquet blooming inside of a ribcage from your last poem.

i was wondering how's your personal garden looking lately? what kind of flowers do you recognize growing inside your belly? (i reckon it might be a tad personal so feel free to ignore the question if it's uncomfortable)

hi bird !

i've been pretty busy. lately, my gut is spilling all over the floor. there's a hole right on my belly button and i lock myself in bathroom stalls to hide the dirt and bones that are spilling alongside my dead flowers from everyone. i don't think any seed would flourish inside of me again, at least not for a long time. i am a timid girl, and i have to grow out of this ugly habit of mine, because the world has a lot to offer and i have to trust my stars. so i have to create a new garden outside the safety of my own cage. for now i am drawing pretty flowers with pretty butterflies on walls and staircases, armed of rainbow crayons and my 6 year old self.

thank you for wondering, for asking. it makes me feel better about my spillage. i miss your writing a lot. i'm gonna go through your stuff again.

im glad you're taking yourself on that paint job. your shared house, the stairs, and the walls will come out beautifully im sure. healing feels like mothering a lot to me too. always felt like i was sharing the space with my 5-year-old self and my teenage self when i first got out of hell. my bed felt too small to take us all in. i still got to hold myself for almost everything, but as you said tolders bring colours to the walls. it's so rewarding to walk with yourself at the end of the day.

take your time with that colouring. im sure the wind will blow the right mixture at the right time, get it into your sinuses and to your insides, give you a massive pollination of some sort. it'll absolutely turn the dirt and the gore into something beautifully bucolic. and if not, well there's no point in hating on the muddy and the nasty, beauty can lie there too.

by guttermud

…

In the back of his mind, Dean wants to strangle his older self. At twenty-six, Dean knows how to treat a woman, or a man, though he only swings that way for one man. He knows Sammy inside and out. He knows this.

So he wonders—bitterly, caustically, full of hatred—where along the years he forgot.

Sam… when Dean makes a move on this thirty-six year old behemoth. Who is soft and pliant where twenty-two year old Sammy isn’t. Who is rough and beaten down in a way Dean can’t imagine his little brother ever being. Who has scars layered on deeper scars and eyes of an animal wounded one too many times. He folds easy. So easy.

And when Dean has this Sam underneath him (it’s hard to even see him as Sammy, as that angry, innocent young adult), when he kisses soft at all the exposed skin he can reach, when he runs gentle hands through thick hair and traces lines unknown to him, when he makes love to him… he cries.

The whimpers and whines he lets out of pleasure are intertwined with sheer overwhelm at Dean’s ministrations. Tears fall like a shattered dam and he keeps his eyes closed, his only tell of emotion the crinkle between his brows. If they hadn’t been in missionary, Dean wouldn’t have known he was crying at all.

Every time Dean whispers a word of endearment, praises the man before him for being so good for him, a broken sob slips past this Sam’s defenses.

And Dean wants to strangle himself now too. To not become whatever… whatever monster he has become to not treat this Sam like he deserves to be. For that monster neglecting this need of being open and tender while Sam is baring himself vulnerably, being just as open and tender as Dean knows he’s always been.

What changed?

Sam has the same tells as Sammy. He’s close. Dean wipes away tears and kisses the corner of his mouth, murmuring in his ear, “That’s it, Sammy. Come on, come for me.”

Sam comes with Dean’s name choked out of him, ripped to shreds and sobbing. Dean follows but the satisfaction is overblown by his pure self-deprecation. He’s always hated himself but it’s different now. He will never unsee the look of shocked bewilderment Sam made when Dean first praised him. The shiver and shaken stare when Dean first caressed his face.

He makes sure to tell Sam how good he was, how much Dean appreciates him, as he cleans them up. Sam is not all there after the intense orgasm and emotions but, in his eyes, Dean knows he doesn’t believe a word he says.

it's crazy how sam ignores it afterward and completely goes on living like nothing utterly deranged happened between them.

it should've been confusing at the very least, but sam barely shows any signs of surprise. he treats it like it's a long time coming. and it leaves the viewer with so many questions. what are demon dean's motivations? pleasure? vengeance? retribution? what part of him exactly leads to those specific murderous impulses? he looks relatively chill as a demon, doesn't care about crowley's business, doesn't care about the dudes he butchers either, doesn't care about anything but ... to get really mean and violent and sadistic, towards his brother? his brother, who doesn't show up as particularly threatening (by the way)? poor guy looks miserable, sad, and quite in ruins when he comes to dean. then, dean's cured, briefly shows remorse, asks castiel if sam wants to divorce (?), and they never talk about it. sam doesn't question it. it's fine. back to usual.

two more things that got stuck with me and could be used or reflected on:

demon dean having a hard time letting go of that pole dancer. him trying to avoid the policy of the club, ignoring her rejection, and demanding that she lower herself to the ground (like a bitch) to come sweep the money. its dean grabbing her thigh aggressively as she says, 'no, your time is over.'

how far would he have gone if the team security hadn't distracted him from the girl? it looks like a serious rape storyline, honestly. from that scene, we could guess that what ultimately motivates his action is want? desire? yearning? appetite? like he wants to be whole, or fed in some sick ways. it could explain the karaoke episode, all the time spent lazily in bars.

then there's the note he leaves to sam. 'sammy let me go'. why? because sam would kill the fun? it can't be just that. because sam's a burden and dean's sick of it? it wouldn't explain the absolute violence sam's presence ignites in him.

just like with the girl, dean can't help himself. he wants more from sam (doesn't need to be sexual), and he cannot accept 'no' as an answer. it's very important to acknowledge that dean could've walked away from sam, but chose instead to ride home with him. to hurt him bad. he chose to let himself be trapped in the bunker with sam. again to hurt him bad. 'sammy let me go' could've easily been completed with 'because I want very bad things from you and it's going to hurt really bad'. that's what seems to differentiate dean from his demon counterpart: he is not able/willing to refrain from his cravings. dean wants to feed from sam; it can't be sexual, so it's homicidal. maybe he actually tried to prevent the moment he would act on his hunger with that letter.

it's crazy how sam ignores it afterward and completely goes on living like nothing utterly deranged happened between them.

it should've been confusing at the very least, but sam barely shows any signs of surprise. he treats it like it's a long time coming. and it leaves the viewer with so many questions. what are demon dean's motivations? pleasure? vengeance? retribution? what part of him exactly leads to those specific murderous impulses? he looks relatively chill as a demon, doesn't care about crowley's business, doesn't care about the dudes he butchers either, doesn't care about anything but ... to get really mean and violent and sadistic, towards his brother? his brother, who doesn't show up as particularly threatening (by the way)? poor guy looks miserable, sad, and quite in ruins when he comes to dean. then, dean's cured, briefly shows remorse, asks castiel if sam wants to divorce (?), and they never talk about it. sam doesn't question it. it's fine. back to usual.

im looking to explore the samifer bond and you came as the right person to ask for directions. im not verry sensitive to mark pellegrino's lucifer; his sadistic and predatory dispositions always felt more threatening when jared got to play him in my opinion. i liked him when he was written playfully cold and composed, when he felt dangerous in a calculated way rather than a provocative one. i liked lucifer when he felt like a well groomed and overly tall posh cat with lustrous hair. faint smile on. poise of a thief-dancer-killer man, if that makes sense. mark's lucifer felt like a ragged version of that cat. it felt like o'malley from the aristocats. 

i don't see the appeal in nick's character either. and i find more impactful to have sam confronting the devil while looking at himself. it goes very well with the self-loathing and shame that already runs through his veins.

in the light of everything i like and dislike, would you have insightful fic/reading recommendations about sam and lucifer?

what are your thoughts on the different iterations of lucifer; sam, nick, castiel, vincent and the president ?

thank you apostate.

This is such a lovely message! Thank you! <3

Also, this is going to be long, because you better believe I have all kinds of feelings about Lucifer! First off, though; I don't have a lot of reccomandations for fics that do not include Mark Pellegrino's Lucifer, and even fewer that has Lucifer looking like Sam. Both because there aren't a whole lot of it written (unless he is typecast as nothing more than a villain), and because I have a personal preference for Lucifer being in or looking like Nick. And while I also like a clever and more elegant Lucifer, I really enjoy him as more mercurial, so a lot of the content I consume is in that category as well. I do have some, though, that I think you might like. For instance, deception stories like you’ve ruined the color blue for me by Duck_Life (Casifer). I also love grow an ocean to drown in by adi_rotynd, which has a creepy Lucifer taking on a female vessel temporarily. You might also enjoy a psychological horror like Still life by themegalosaurus, where it's not quite clear if it's Lucifer manipulating things or not, but where his presence looms over the story none the less. You might also like some stories where Nick is the vessel, but that has a calmer, more elegant or clever Lucifer. I'd say The Devil You Know by InHisImage falls in this category, and so does it's sequels, though they are all also very violent. Gethsemane Moment has a great calmer Lucifer, while and so the tower fell by TheQuietWings has a more romantic one. Hope you find something you like here!

As for my thoughts on the different versions of him, I have lots, so I'll put them under a cut:

i think i can manage mark pellegrino's lucifer just fine as long as we keep it in the early seasons. after a certain time, the show became too lazy with its characters and storytelling for my liking. im pretty sure the only reason it still gets interesting is because fans are willing enough to put thoughts where the narrative lacked some. later seasons really made me bitter.

being a child-parent does not make the child a good parent, indeed. most of the time, it actually makes them double the abuse on the younger ones. it completely dismantles their chances to be a great sibling, too. even if they manage to step out of the parent role for a while, their sibling might not want to deal with that version of them anymore; sometimes, the younger one can't bear to see them outside of that role because it has become distressing and/or disturbing. eventually, the older sibling ends up in a place where they're constantly failing both roles. terrible parent and terrible sibling all at once. really, it's a monstrous thing to do to children.

it's tough on the younger sibling that has to deal, not only with one or two unfit parents, but a third thing, that shouldn't be 'parent' but 'friend', and is even more deceiving for that reason. a third thing they still must call their sibling in front of the teachers and the distant family. it's hard for them to compose daily with the omnipotent knowledge that their parents don't give a fuck about them, don't give a fuck to the point that they just let another child do it for them, whatever the circumstances.

the younger sibling gets nervous easily, angry all the time. they're the resentful child. they're angry-hungry on their behalf, but also on behalf of their sibling who's done so much and yet got so little. they resent the older sibling for not taking care of it as well.