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‘This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat,’ Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago

RICHARDSON, TX—Upon observing a couple examining the furniture item with apparent interest, area man Aaron Eakins, who would have been a formidable and revered warrior had he lived 4,000 years ago, approached the pair and told them it was his bestselling love seat, sources said Thursday.

Eakins, a sales associate at Cooper’s Furniture Outlet for the past three years and someone whose height and strong build would have made him a fearsome adversary in a Bronze Age civilization, reportedly spoke to the couple for several minutes about the love seat’s price, durability, and stain-resistant fabric.

“This one’s real popular,” said Eakins, who four millennia ago would have led hundreds of fanatically loyal soldiers into battle, cutting down enemy after enemy with powerful swings of his ax. “Why don’t you folks sit down and try it out?”

“That’s our microfiber blend—super easy to clean,” added the man whose fabled strength and unmatched prowess in combat would have caused his very name to strike dread into the hearts of all who heard it.

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