nobody wants to live forever

“You missed the point.” He said flatly, once again absolving them of the need to debate this particular subject. “I don’t want to fuck anyone but you.” At this point, he felt like he was repeating himself, but maybe it was from another conversation, one had when the pair of them were still young, and ultimately far stupider than either would ever admit to now. That had always been the point with him, though.

Rune, and his people were hardly the vision of monogamy when it came down to it. He wasn’t raised to feel the way he did about the other, the deep roots of said emotion making it an entirely different situation than any other he had before. It was as if their relationship would always hold the trump card, the beginning and the end, and as long as he had that one in his hand - he never felt the need to draw any more.

He eyed the way arms crossed, before allowing steely gaze to lift to observe the mans face for a minute. It was still just this side of surreal, the way he could still remember ever single line, the way his emotions always took hold of his features. He was expressive in so many ways, ways that the Viking never would be, never could be, really. “But, if you would prefer to continue.” He shrugged broad shoulders, rethinking the entire thing now that the argument had been raised.

Instead of finishing it, he’d leave it open ended for now. Perhaps it was a threat, or maybe it was more of an observance. After all, if that’s what Jaxon really wanted, he would have to come to the realization that, that meant he would have to deal with that particular street being walked both ways. Somehow, he was betting that wasn’t such a bright idea of an offering.

It was his turn to turn his back now, stepping towards the fridge before the door was pulled open, larger frame dipped a little bit, thinking about taking a beer from the shelf but then deciding against it. As it were, they just didn’t brew things like they used to and he could always, always taste it. A moment was taken, before the door shut again, and instead he invaded Jaxon’s space, reaching to grab a bottle from the shelf about his head once the door was opened.

Quite the contrary, Jaxon was fine with admitting he could be incredibly stupid now, or anyone around him could, wisdom with age was a flawed concept and not one he put much faith into since age had only really made him more scattered rather than composed. If that was supposed to change, to suddenly click in with some outstanding shift in personality that granted him wisdom? Jaxon hadn't reached it yet and with a few hundred years behind him clearly he was due for it, but as it was he remained much the same in that, emotions running far too high and demanding too much of his attention. 

What experience had given him though was choice, awareness and more of the world to see, more of himself to understand. And while he'd always had a notion that the constriction of affection in the ways his parents saw it, under the rule of church laws, wasn't exactly right he knew it wasn't always the opinion everyone had. People made up his life and had specific parts in it, none were easily replaced and some of them were physical; it was precisely the reason Jaxon had never made any claims to dating or relationships after Rune's death because there wasn't going to be anyone else like that in his life and he wasn't going to let others think so. But everything had a balance to it, Rune was impossible to replace, that also had to come first though and other people couldn't. A few hundred years was a long time to wander, it would be no easy habit to curb, but maybe that was just part of it all. 

"No, I wouldn't. You decide what you want but you're right, for me it has to be this way." If nothing else Jaxon was hellbent on proving it to himself that he could put that aspect of his life aside if needed, or wanted, maybe it came down to want. His sexuality had always been a wayward one, multiple partners had been the norm and each held importance to him, but they were never going to be Rune. He couldn't, from knowing how sometimes it was complicated even explaining how different held different roles in a life, dismiss Rune's questioning. He didn't have to like it though, no. 

Some of the tension was bound to fade, it had to burn out eventually and he was finally starting to reach the point. He cast a glance at Rune, slightly upward and it struck him as irritatingly humorous that, somehow, the man was taller than him. This was no unimpressive feet as Jaxon himself was taller than plenty of people and, still, the Viking bested him in height. He found it absurd, the stray thought, shaking his head over his own distraction and sighing. "It's annoying the fuck out of me that you're taller than me right now." Sometimes anger made no sense at all, clearly. "I don't even know why."

“Nobody deserves to die?” He might have been picking the little things from the conversation they were having, but the statement was particularly absurd. Rune was entirely accustomed to Jaxon’s dramatics, the way that things were taken to intense extremes on a whim. This time, it seems they were dragged to the top of the hill the man intended to die on, just to make a damn point. There were certainly plenty of people that earned their death, and even more who deserved it entirely. Truth be told, Rune was probably one of them.

“Most everyone who has, did something to deserve it. They knew they were going to perish in the war they signed up to fight, or they knew that whatever crimes they’d commit would eventually end in their blood being spilled. As much as you’d like to die on this cross, I can’t very well let you. Some of them even welcomed death, Thomas.” The secret in those words was that a part of him had. A part of him had met death with open arms, it was all he had ever been taught. To them, it was a reward, and he’d known that once he would have arrived in the house that had taken him, he’d have maybe even enjoyed it. Granted, it would have been missing one important piece - this one - but that didn’t change the fact that even he knew this was unnatural.

He listened, the first time he’d realized that living forever had been a part of Jaxon’s plan that had never been shared with him. There was an almost confused tilt of head, a cant something like a confused dog might do, before slight wince of features followed. It was the twinge of emotion that felt a little bit of betrayal at that, and the secret kept, that did it. He knew it, but he again knew better than to share it. He wouldn’t ever add more grief to his husband, not when he was so close to losing it now. He wanted to reach out to him, to be the invitation to come down, even a softer landing, but it wasn’t time yet.

“Before you.” He corrected, not exactly wanting to relive his own scars but he needed to. He would cut himself open for the reaper without a second question. “He’s not you.” Repeated for a reassurance he knew might be needed, head nodded in a more serious manner before he took a step back. He leaned against the far counter, watching, waiting. “If I had wanted to fuck him, I would have. You know that, but the situation is not as simple as anyone would have liked it to be.” He warned, offering a shrug of broad shoulders.

“And no, there is nothing for you to have an issue with. I don’t think there is an asshole bone in his body.”

"Wanting to and deserving to are different things." Vastly different, in fact, when one was dealing with awareness that it could happen, or even desire for it, and the other weighed the worth of a life. Jaxon had never been responsible for that part, Death made the rules as to when it ended, he just had to be there to make sure it ended smoothly. Rune was a fighter, he didn't argue that, or his choices, but he wasn't talking about Rune's choices right then. It had been different before, to a point, people still willingly chased death for a chance at what others told them was some reward in the end, but time had shown him too many times that even those people very seldom wanted that end when they finally reached it. He couldn't find a balance, but maybe he never would, he only knew that he didn't want his own life to come to a close so he just had to accept the necessities. 

Jaxon had already died once, his entire family as well, the idea of doing it again had never been a thought even before the stakes had turned as dire with his choice to step outside the order of Death. But that had felt almost automatic, he hadn't even thought that it needed to be a discussion, he wasn't going to die and if he had any way in his power to do so he would not have let Rune die either. That was supposed to be the goal, a selfish, indulgent goal that had always been in the back of his mind. Who wanted to die? To lose everything, including themselves? As a child the religion his family followed had brought Jaxon very little comfort, maybe it had been different for Rune, but eternity held no appeal in the ways Jaxon had heard it spoken if. "What?" He barely offered the word but the confusion was enough to read in the motion, knowing that gesture well. 

"Before me." It came almost as a surprise and he wasn't certain why, Rune had been older than him in terms of his years in life, even though Jaxon had been acting outside the laws of age for decades before. It was a skewed concept; being older by years than the Viking but younger by how longer his natural life had been in comparison. Of course Rune had known people before him but Jaxon, being the center of his own universe, and never even considered that. Just as well though, he couldn't concern himself over people who were before him, even if he wasn't fond of dead lovers returning.

"Well I'm not thrilled." It was an understatement, very obviously, as he turned back to him without doing anything with that mug other than continuing to hold it. "But I can't exactly have a fit about it, can I?" Because in comparison his choices were worse, by far. He shoved the mug back onto the counter, unable to keep himself still. "You just told me to stop everything I've been doing and then you say you would have fucked him if you wanted to?" Well, wasn't that a double standard and Jaxon wasn't so sure how he felt about it while he stood there, arms crossed and watching Rune.

“I never asked for your permission on anything and I’m not about to start now, so I suggest you stop telling me what I can and can’t do.” His words are just cold enough to convey how deathly serious he is about this. Jaxon insists that Rune can’t tell him this, can’t attempt to comfort him the only way he’s ever known how and it’s like he’s chipping away. Each comment digs deeper and manages to take a layer of that patience away. It’s like his normally stoic demeanor is a second from cracking as it keeps on.

“I have killed people that did not deserve to die.” This was a particular solemn statement but it was one that held weight. It told a story to those who knew him well enough to listen. Perhaps, it would show Jaxon a darkness he hadn’t seen before - and maybe it would be a Rune who turned out too ruined to love. That would be the most divine irony, and just his luck, really. “I have killed people who deserved far better than for my face to be the last they see, and I feel sympathy for none of them.” To him, everything was a balance - and most importantly, a means to an end.

“You’ll never be a monster if you still feel bad for those people, and if you are the last thing they see, the one who guides them home - it’s probably better than some of the alternatives.” He raised his hand. “I died once, remember? I can promise you.” He would remember every part of the afterlife, including the not so pleasant messenger that was supposed to lead him that much further into it - thankfully they had been robbed of the chance.

“There is a man here, another rescue. A seer, as I’m told. Apparently, he’s got all the memories of my past lover, and his face too.” He let that much sink in, before shrugging his shoulders. “He kissed me three nights ago before I told him we were married, there was far more whiskey involved than I’m sure he’s used to, but you should know if we’re getting it all out there.”

"It's not telling you what to do or not, it's exactly the opposite; you do what you want to and that's fine because you're okay with what you do, have done, whatever. If I felt like any of it was something I have options in I wouldn't do this, being a reaper was fine, being this is just something I'm trying to survive." Jaxon uttered a sound that bordered between frustration and anger, who really knew what direction it was aimed at because logic collapsed in his wake more often than not. He knew Rune was getting angry, it wasn't as though they'd never had fights before; but he still remembered the lines, and where to stop just short of them.

"Nobody deserves to die, but Death doesn't care about that. That's not entirely your fault, my fault or anyone's fault." He jolted away from the spot, shoving his lower back against the kitchen counter to keep himself upright and his balance in place, hands lifted to drag through his hair, mussing it up in ways he would have found unacceptable if he'd been in a settled state of mind. "But yeah, I know, or knew, I just ignored that before because it was something outside of you and me." Maybe it came off as an unhealthy bias but turning a blind eye to Rune's violence had been the easiest way, the only way really to see who he was beyond it. "Which is really a mess but I know who you are beyond that and that's what's important to me. Yes, I was an idealistic child about it but I love you and love is selfish. " 

"Just the monster that cuts time shorter for them than it was supposed to be." Jaxon countered, but the argument felt weak by that point, like the rest of him, because there was a limit to when that much explosive emotional energy ran out and left him exhausted. The headache kicking around inside his skull was a sure sign he'd overdone it, yet again, but there was little changing it. "I do remember dying and how unpleasant it was." Cold, bitter and unfair, burned into his memory more than anything else, in the end. "You weren't supposed to die like that, that soon, it didn't give me time to figure out how to keep you from ever dying at all." 

The words sank in and his expression tipped to contemplation with a certain unwavering set to his jaw, one Rune knew all too well. "So there's some guy around here who looks like somebody after me and he remembers you? Really well, apparently." If he hadn't spent the better part of half an hour already ranting he might have been right then, but no, it was worse because he was very quiet. Eyes narrowed sharply, the sort of hyper focus that came with real claws. "He's not me." It wasn't a question, and he hoped for the other guy's sake Rune had been clear in that.  

"Otherwise I don't care, unless you told him to stop and he was an asshole about it, then I have to deal with that." He turned swiftly towards towards the counter and nearly dropped the new mug he snatched out of the cabinet, gritting his teeth with the words. "Is that it? I know you didn't fuck him." He thought more of Rune's loyalty than that now they were once again together, but people oversimplified emotions and Jaxon was a slave to them so he knew they were never simple. "Did you want to?”

“You’ve spent too much time carrying this around.” He observes this easily, it’s very much like stating the obvious at this point. He stops to reflect on everything that’s been said, the way that Jaxon tries to make himself out to be the bad guy and then simply shakes his head. Rune knows now, just like he knew then, it didn’t matter. The man that stood in front of him could take up murder as a hobby and it wouldn’t have made a difference. The way he felt about him was more important than anything else, it was precious in the sense that it was absolutely one of a kind.

Blue eyes searched the lines in Jaxon’s face, watched the way he wore the concern like it was some sword he was ready to fall on if need be. It was almost laughable, which explained why the corner of his mouth was folding into an all too amused little grin. He didn’t even try to hide it, which he probably should have, as he fully expected his husband to reach out and strike him any second.

“You think that I have a problem with you taking lives when my hands have taken just as many, if not more, for that matter?” He questioned, sounded incredulous. It was honestly baffling that the reaper assumed that was the worst of the story here. Rune was a fighter, he’d always been. More over, he was a warrior. He’d ended the lives of entirely too many people in battle, and even a few after he was reborn. Morality was not something that seemed to cling to him, or make time for the man at all, really.

“As for who you’re fucking, I don’t really care aside from the fact that you are not going to be fucking them now.” He made the point, and then winced a little bit. “Speaking of which, it might be my turn to do a little of this talking that you’ve become so fond of over the years.”

"Okay, but that's your job, or whatever, my point exactly; you were doing that with the whole...Viking thing because that's what you did. And that's fine, but I was supposed to be just making sure people didn't get stuck here, not killing them." The frustration of it was a deep one, maybe even a hint of guilt as well, which might have felt ridiculous to anyone else but to Jaxon it was a rough spot. "I don't want to do that, but I've gotten disturbingly good at it over the decades and I hate myself just a little that it doesn't feel as bad as it used to." Maybe that was it though, he wanted someone else to find fault in it, because as time had dulled the horror of that act he realized it was wrong that it was just that easy. 

"And don't say anything about how I'm a hypocrite for thinking it's wrong for me to kill people and you to not, I know I'm a hypocrite." And selfish, stubborn and a host of other adjectives that Jaxon found no pleasure in admitting but would not deny either. "And I know nobody stays dead forever, they come back, they move on, whatever they do; but it still doesn't settle right." His nerves had been in a constant state of rattled for weeks, coiled and ready to snap under his skin in an instant as he dug deeper and deeper into the stress of his own designs. It was a long time building, a long time ignored, little wonder everything was so tangled up inside him. 

He knew how bloody Rune's hands had been in life, also knew how violence came from such bloodshed but in their time together he personally had never known it. Rune could be commanding at times, yes, it was nothing he shied from, but never had he had seen any cruelty from the man, the occasional argument was from both sides but only that. He wouldn't have thought for an instant the Viking would have turned any of that anger on him in those ways, never once had Jaxon worried over Rune being anything but what he knew him to be; loving and surprisingly more gentle than most people would have thought. So the standards were biased for that reason, he knew at his core his husband was simply what he was and for him that had always been someone supportive and affectionate. Blood on his own hands was something he was ready to be damned for, evidently. 

Jaxon blinked at the flat comment and how little room for disagreement they left, he got so far as opening his mouth to say something before he stopped; right, that probably wasn't unreasonable since it was coming from Rune. Still, he already knew a few friendships would dissolve, there was just no avoiding it. "Okay." He couldn't find anything else to say that wouldn't have come off sounding like a protest to the idea that he couldn't be faithful. The idea had taken on a different view over the years for Jaxon but that was obviously not up for debate. "What?" It was impressive that he had been reduced to simple answers as he stood there trying to decipher Rune's words.

Despite the closeness of the siblings, their personal lives were very distant from one another. Which, she had always found a touch amusing. And even more annoying. Moments like these, they made it evident how distant the two could get sometimes. Staring back at the man who had taken a lot of her brother’s time, she swallowed the immediate reaction that came to mind. That over dramatic sigh dying with the exhale. 

“That depends on whether or not you deny me this favor.” His may have been a joke, but hers wasn’t. There was a time and pace when Tali could enjoy a healthy dose of denial, but not from him. And not right now. She stepped closer, abandoning the project she had been working on to give the other her complete attention.

“You talk a lot.” Eye narrowed, and for a moment, she could see why the two were friends. Vihaan talked a lot. This one talked a lot. But the idea of listening to them both was enough to bring that sigh back up once more. “Where is he.”

Plenty of people had told Jaxon he talked too much, it wasn't an insult if it were true and he didn't think much of it when she said it because if she had meant to go for the throat the words would have been harsher. It was still rather clear though that she didn't care much for the habit, another reason he had little luck in getting on her good side. It was a work in progress, a very long standing one, and not much progress made. He remained optimistic though, better that than to give her reasons to dislike him. 

What she asked though was exactly what he was dreading, even if it was also enlightening. "You don't know?" The information gave him some much needed insight since Vihaan rarely discussed family matters with him, it was a topic off limits. If she didn't know where he was then something had the two of them at odd. "Must be why he'd been in such a mood lately." It made sense, knowing how strong the bond with the two was, but she was also asking something he couldn't do. 

"There's a few places, but honestly if he doesn't want to be found I can't really do that." It was a matter of not betraying trust, as he did know the places Vihaan went when he wanted time away from the world, one specially he was sure the dragon was lurking around. "I can talk to him." Jaxon offered that much, he was going to do so anyway, because he didn't like to see Vihaan how he had been. He wasn't exactly happy to deny Citali though, not when he had things like Rune's sponsorship in the works, but she couldn't get too mad at him saying no, hopefully.

“Do you really think that there is anything you could say, anything you could do that would change this?” The question was one that he couldn’t avoid. The way that Jaxon had been acting already implied what the answer to the question was. The problem was that Rune needed to hear him say it. He needed to admit that all this nervousness, all this doubt was centered around the fact that he assumed he’d changed so much that the Viking would have found nothing left to love. Little did he know, there would always be a reason. It was however, insulting.

Granted, Jaxon had hurled insults, or what was meant to have been an insult, at Rune a thousand times over the years. It didn’t really make a difference, nor did it ever really phase him but this was different. Perhaps it was the fact that he hadn’t even realized that seemed to strike a painful chord with the revenant. Whatever it was, he was remembering the very specific way the world hurt when it came to Jaxon. No one else would ever hold a candle to any emotion that was pulled from the reaper. This much would always be true.

He waited for the answer, eyeing him for a moment as if he were more curious than anything else. “People change, and while I know you prefer to be the only one with problems, I’m not exactly who I was then either.” It was true, he would never be the same again. That man had died, at least a part of him was still dead. This one had evolved in ways, but the focal points stayed the same.

“What have you done, Thomas?”

"I don't know." Jaxon wished he were one of those people who didn't find themselves on that thin line of uncertainty and so often he never gave a second thought to his choices but that wasn't the same, it wasn't Rune. No matter what other mistake he might have made they were easy to shrug off, to not care enough about to even bother with, but when it came down to something real and what he actually couldn't stand to lose? He found himself scrutinizing every little action in the past, because if one were too off skewed maybe he didn't deserve to be forgiven for them.  The world had changed over time, he'd been witness to it, and with that everything had to change so the real worry came in wondering if those changes were going to strengthen the both of them or make something unravel. 

"Do I want to think it might? No, of course not. But some of those mistakes were big mistakes." Jaxon wasn't sure if regret was the correct word, he didn't feel that exactly, but something of weight in them. "I made myself a murderer, not on purpose, but now it's necessity and I hate that but I'm really not willing to take the alternative and just stop existing. Selfish, yeah, but I'm selfish, we both know that." He made no effort to deny it, hell, even the conversation they were having was selfish on his part. "I can't even act like I haven't slept with a good half of the people in this town, and that's a low estimate. And as much as I feel like saying none of them have ever meant anything like you do should be obvious I lost you and nothing mattered the same way after that, nothing has mattered the same way since then." The feeling that came with it was unfamiliar for how little Jaxon had use for it, guilt, and it was not one he cared to entertain. 

"I know you're not exactly the same person either." He sighed, expecting Rune to say something along those lines and knowing them to be true. It would have been impossible for either of them to stay the same, but logic was never Jaxon's first impulse to follow. "And evidently I've lost my mind too because that I can accept perfectly fine but for me it's an issue." Frustrating logic, and that was why Jaxon didn't follow the idea too often; it never did him any favors.

“Let me guess…” Turning from her current project, Citali moved to face the oncoming footsteps, putting them right in the line of that one, good eye. “Actually, forget that.” A hand came to wave, dismissing her own train of thought before she straightened once more. “I have a need. What will it take for you to do me a little…. favor, of sorts?”

Jaxon had froze with the words, of the two of them he was far closer with Vihaan, in fact there were moments he was certain that Citali only tolerated his existence for that reason alone. He made efforts to be friendly, it would have been awkward not to at least attempt to find some even ground with his best friend's sister, but dragons were very set in their ways and Citali was even more guarded, shockingly, than Vihaan. Still, he wanted to be her friend, if that counted for much. 

"Should I be worried about that? I feel like I should be worried if you're asking me for favors." It was only a joke, humor was better than the actual hint of nervous curiosity, because he knew Citali was anything but harmless. "So, what's up? At least I know you're not going to ask me to kill anybody since you can do that fine yourself." What, it was practically a compliment in Citali's case; he knew she was downright impressively vicious when it crossed her mind to be.

The way Jaxon acted as if it had all but slipped his mind when he managed to say nothing more than oh that was grating at nerves. Typically, he’d have allowed this entire thing to be drug out until the other finally threw himself on his own blade, so to speak. This was different though, this was whether or not they were going to stay together. That was the one thing in the world that he needed. He had to keep the pair of them together at all costs. Losing him once was enough, twice was just simply not an option. While he wasn’t half as dramatic about things as Jaxon was, this was a simpler truth for him.

He listened as he spoke of his own uncertainties. Despite the fact that he was holding onto that cup for what seemed like dear life, Rune had no qualms with all but peeling it from his hands. It was deposited on the counter, allowing abandonment to come easy when he took those same hands. It was an intimate gesture, sweet almost as icy blues took a moment to look down at him - at everything he was, as if embracing the thought of looking through him.

“You’ve had years to fuck up, and I’ve never been an angel. What’s your point? There is no room for circumstantial love when it comes to what I feel for you. There is nothing that could fuck it up, as you say.”

Jaxon wanted to sigh, wanted to be irritated at how Rune oversimplified things down to the core of them and made it difficult to go beyond just the black and white of it because life was, in fact, varying shades of grey. But the viking was nothing if not stubborn in his stance on most any thing and it was likely the reason he had always held absolute confidence in the storm passing when it came to Jaxon. It was when the other man stopped only waiting and stepped in to halt the thunder and lightening to it all that Jaxon had nowhere left to retreat to. He was equally stubborn to counter Rune's logic with emotion instead, argue one against the other and neither of them was truly right nor wrong. Except for when they were, and right then his husband actually was the one who made far more sense than Jaxon. 

That sense was rooted in uncertainties though and he hated that, wanted very much to point out that Rune had no idea if he was going to be able to stand even half the things Jaxon had done over time but it was an ugliness he had no want to face down. He also didn't want his coffee stolen because he was going to drink it but, again, when Rune stepped in it was entirely and with that presence that even Jaxon had a difficult time dredging up the ability to fight. He knew that look, it was the one that told him in no subtle terms that he had to stop acting like a fool.

"I didn't say you were a saint, I just said I've had a lot of time to exercise my ability to make..interesting life choices." Jaxon's arguments were laced with anxiety, if not for the fact he was confined he would have been pacing. "That's my point, exactly; you love me, but this me is...a little different than that me."

There was a bounce to her step, the unmistakable movement that could have been interpreted as dance. But just subtle enough that it could have seemed as if she were drunk. Hands were tucked into the pockets of her jacket, balled into the fabric to keep it from sliding down her frame. Each step was taken deliberately, the beat that played in her head very clearly only there.

But there had been a pause, the smirk pulling at each corner of her mouth, turning lips upward. Izzy hadn’t pulled her attention in any direction just yet, but instead, kept her gaze down at her feet as they picked up the movement once more. The dance turning into a game of invisible hopscotch as she rounded the corner. “I can smell you.”

Ever since arrival, her senses had been out of whack. The collection of beings that had escaped her touch threw off her balance. But the scent he carried was one she knew well, and every through the little touch of doubt she’d acquired in the last few days, this she couldn’t mistake. Couldn’t miss.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

There was some sort of bitter irony in the fact that when Jaxon had become paranoid with that power blackout everyone had basically shrugged off his anxieties and yet there it was, he knew the feeling the instant it hit him. For a Reaper there was no mistaking Death, not when the deal signed with that deity was one of desperation for so many of them. It had been for Jaxon; he'd been far too frightened of dying to even consider what he was agreeing to. The problem of course came later on in a mistake he'd made, one that had sent him bolting from the one he'd handed his freedom over to in exchange for time. Every since then he'd been stealing time instead, by his own stained hands he existed and the people around him didn't understand the weight of it. How could they?

He could sense Death though, that much never faded, and that feeling left him feeling as though ice water had been poured in his veins. Stopped him short with one step and the next his spine went flush with rough stone as he pressed it against the wall of a building to keep his knees from buckling with panic. Of all the things he thought he could handle this one was the exact one he knew he couldn't, that nightmare he'd been dreading. 

It was pointless to try to hide, knowing he was there meant Death already would find him, and it was just as well because he couldn't seem to remember how to even move.

He’s watching Jaxon tip toe around whatever subject it is that had kept him in community housing this long. Rune knew there was some reason that he hadn’t yet been granted full access to Jaxon’s house yet, and perhaps whatever secrets he was currently fighting with were the reasoning behind that. His usual guise of patience was wearing thin, especially as the other paced through the kitchen as if he were shouldering a rather back breaking load.

That was probably what dug at him the most, the fact that usually he could unravel whatever mystery was plaguing the other fairly easily. He eyed him carefully one more time before pushing the chair out, the last lick of patience dissolving as if it had never been there. The sound of the legs of said chair scraping against the ground was jarring, and it seemed to echo through the house, but he didn’t mind - nor did he intend to apologize.

“Stop.” It was a single word demand and there was no mistaking that much. “Either speak your mind or don’t, but I’m not going to sit here and wait any longer.”

Rune was right, he was carrying a lot lately, thoughts that burrowed under his skin and as much as he wanted to shake off the doubts Jaxon was at his very core a devote sufferer of the madness that was being highly emotional. Time had only made it worse, made his attention span more questionable and his impulse control weaker; and he felt as if all of that was going to come crashing down on him. He didn't just deal badly with stress, he did an excellent job of just flat out falling apart under pressure far more so than he cared to admit.

Having heard the scratch of the chair, it brought a cringe with it, he stood in the kitchen with both hands wrapped firmly around a mug and simply staring at the tan liquid as though that mix of sugar and half a dozen other things that could barely be called coffee in any sense was going to provide answers. "About what?" His voice had a certain edge to it, nervousness was eating at him because he knew exactly what his husband was demanding and the conversation wasn't one he wanted to have. 

"Oh, that." Clinging to the mug like a lifeline, Jaxon drew a slow breath. "The sponsor thing." Because of course his husband wasn't unreasonable in wanting to live with him, or having what was going to be the closest they would get to a normal life. "No, I want to, I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of anyone else doing that. It's just that...what if everything gets fucked up because of me?"

“You still haven’t told him yet?”  He could read between the lines fairly easily when it came to the reaper. They were similar in that sense, the avoidance of things that would prickle with certain emotion that wasn’t quite invited in anymore, but there was always that one exception to the rule. His mind had been cluttered with his own problems, and it was nice to be able to focus on something that had nothing to do with him or his sister for once. The temporary relief was just this side of freeing, almost causing him to laugh at the ridiculousness of that thought alone. 

“I’m avoiding talking about it, and yet it seems rather persistent in the sense that it won’t fuck off either.”  He admitted, without sounding overly attached to any part of the sentence. It wasn’t his favorite topic, he would much rather detach from it entirely, but it still sat there, a weight on his chest that was entirely too heavy this time around. It was the definition of too much, it always had been. He didn’t like when his scars decided to rip themselves open for the sake of forced vulnerability. A hand reached up to toy with the chain around his neck once again, before reaching for his glass. 

“So, probably closer to the second option than the first. Or, we can show and tell our problems, but you’re starting because I need about five more drinks to take that particular walk down memory lane.” 

"You'll have to specify what it is, there are a lot of its that I'm working my way up to with Rune. He's wonderfully infuriating in how he refuses to acknowledge my dramatics and has to be logical about these things." Jaxon rolled his eyes skyward with the words, knowing that was one of those better and worse things when it came to his husband. Rune kept him grounded but Jaxon, being who he was, sometimes took it as some personal offense that his excessive reactions were tempered by Rune's steadiness. Some moments he preferred to vent simply to be doing it, too much energy and too much emotional behind it. "I have no idea why anyone tries to use any sort of logic around me at all." 

Jaxon knew those motions, even if Vihaan reached more out of subconscious reflex than he did outright thought over it, that chain he wore like a noose around his neck for all that it had strangled him with grief over time. It was not a pain he liked to see his friend suffer but maybe the dragon was a better person than himself for hanging on so tightly to memory, Jaxon had tried to gather his life back up after he thought Rune was dead but it had been a good decades in happening, Vihaan's wounds were still so fresh. Of course that was not the conversation either of them wanted to have, but if it was the one Vihaan needed to have Jaxon was going to shut up and let him do so. 

"Life's a bitch that way." He agreed while reaching for his own drink, not quite ready to get as drunk as the night would lead to but at least it was worth getting a start on. "Even when it is good there's something lurking around trying to drive you crazy. It's fine, man, talk, don't talk, however you want to handle it you know I'm going to be passed out on your couch in the morning so you've got all night." Assuming of course that Citali wasn't in a mood and kicked him out, one never really knew with her and Jaxon's attempts to befriend her had been rather hit or miss too often.

The suggestion that he throw his problems out for Vihaan to get a look over wasn't one Jaxon wanted to indulge. Generally he was perfectly happy to rant about what was wrong in his world at any time but his concern had tipped and that axis had centered on the dragon, not as often did he see his friend that deep into misery so that was the most important problem to tackle. But apparently show and tell it was, if that was what it took to ease the walls down where Vihaan would be comfortable. 

"I'm still a wreck, you know how fucked up it was for me to not have any of my powers and it scared me enough that I'm still not good. Paranoia is currently eating me alive and it's great, really, putting a real damper on any plans I have to talk to Rune about anything serious that we need to discuss." The drink was lifted and the burn of alcohol brief, a sidebar to the words.  "You know, like all the things he's going to be pissed off about, I'm sure."

He didn't blame any one person or thing for what had happened but he sure as hell would have liked to known why it had. "I didn't come around to bother you since I figured you and Citali were already dealing with enough stress yourself. But it is giving me a healthy appreciation for how much this whole...darkness thing might actually screw us all over it that's what caused it."

Ro didn’t know if it was the mysterious man before her or if her abilities as a Keres were failing her by the second. Normally, she could sense the least bit of detail regarding the deaths of whomever was around her, which was one of the reasons she never left the light grey yet pristine walls also known as her home. However, she couldn’t sense anything from him. But then again, she wasn’t in just a normal town with exactly normal people, that was a given but somehow the woman would still forget.

It seemed that she was a bit distracted by her thoughts, the following words shocking her a bit. Was she really that scared of the outside that she would be mistaken as a new arrival? She couldn’t help but let a surprised expression land itself on her usually stoic features, the corners of her lips tugging upwards the slightest.

“Oh, well I wouldn’t exactly call myself a new face,” Ro continued sheepishly, her right hand leaving the comfort of her lap to reach over and tuck a strand of her pitch black hair behind her ear. “I just don’t get out much, I suppose.” She made a small gesture with her hands, synchronizing with the smallest shrug of her shoulders. How else was she supposed to say that she mainly avoided other people and stayed–as cliche as it sounded–in the shadows or in her house safely tucked away?

Her lips pursed for a second, “I take it you’ve been here for a long time?” She asked, taking his words into thought for a moment. He probably did live in the town for quite a while now, Hell, maybe he’d lived in the town longer than her. The woman would make a remark on how she hasn’t seen him around, but then remembered it would be a bit bizarre due to the fact that she herself she already admitted that she rarely went outside in both the daylight and moonlight.

"Oh." Jaxon nodded, as it was not altogether an unfamiliar sight within the town to come across people who rarely left their own havens. "Half this town is people who are far too social and the rest are reclusive so it's always a gamble I guess. But, welcome to the light of day and the social world, for what it amounts to right now." His words were light, banter really, because he never tried to take things too seriously with people he didn't know. She could have had any one of dozens of reasons to keeping to herself and who was he to judge that? 

Rather aware that the woman was studying him and trying to decern something from simply his presence and whatever went along with it, Jaxon did nothing to deny her scrutiny or call her out on it. Truthfully even he didn't know how those things worked, how he could sense the dead, see those cast into the role of spirits and still lingering, or with enough focus look at a person and see the gray cast to their skin that drained the color as they grew closer to their end; all things that were part of his existence and had been since taking up the role he'd once held in regard and now only grasped the tattered remains of. So she could study all she liked, perhaps she would see something to him or perhaps not; Jaxon always found it amusing when people didn't know what to make of him. 

"Me? Yeah, give or take a few years I was wandering around other places I've been here a very long time. I don't know, you lose track after the first few hundred years and I refuse to keep track because I'm not going to feel old like that." Flat out refused it, in fact, to accept any possibility that he might have been older than some people because Jaxon, of course, lived in a world of distraction and whims that certainly did not involve maturity with age. "Different circles maybe, usually I'm not hiding in parks coloring but it's supposed to be some sort of inner peace-inducing nonsense so it can't hurt, right?"

“How many times have you met death?” He asks this question as he counts the numerous run ins he’s had with her. The first few were mostly unpleasant, as the revolved around her trying to make him dead, real dead, finally dead..whatever version of dead that wasn’t this one. The woman was determined, he would give her that much, but sometimes that wasn’t enough. Thankfully, in this case, she hadn’t succeeded. They’d come to a strange sort of truce, but he still wasn’t turning his back on her flighty ass any time this side of ever, that was for sure.

Regardless of his experience, he was far more interested in Jaxon’s. It was complicated, clearly, but also not at the same time. Not for Rune, at least. If he’d managed to convince the queen of crazytown herself to stop, at least temporarily, trying to put him back in some kind of coffin - he was sure the same strange reasoning could be offered for his husband. He’d lost him once, and that was enough. Hell, he’d probably even give her the satisfaction of murdering him just to keep the reaper where he was. But, that wasn’t quite the point. Together, was the point.

“I will let you have your paranoia as it seems to soothe you, but not without making sure you know I think it’s unfounded.” He finally settled on the best way to speak his truth, while somehow still respecting Jaxon’s constant need for a storm cloud somewhere in the distance. It was a part of him, a flaw, but he loved it all the same. He’d meant it when he had said that he would have taken every single little detail about the man, the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

“I don’t need to prove anything to them, I just like the way you feel.” To demonstrate, the hand that wasn’t currently occupied by his would begin to wander suggestively. The touch was light at first, surprisingly so, for someone like him, but patience was thin and eventually it demanded a little more urgency, attention. While he continued to prove that rather insatiable point, conversation would carry on. It was casual, as if he wasn’t trying to tease a good moan from him while speaking.

“I had no intention of using any other name, but Jaxon Astor sounds fine, it’s strange enough to fit your weird, that I do happen to like, just right.” He paused, leaning a little bit so that he could get a better look at the man. “I don’t think I’ve told you enough, but I love you, Thomas. No matter what the fucking name sounds like, or doesn’t.”

"As few as possible." Jaxon replied with a flat tone, because he had actively tried to avoid his once boss and current source of unrelenting anxiety. That hadn't changed over time, in fact he'd only been more and more determined not to get himself involved with the whole situation. He sighed and let his thoughts drift some while he sat there, feeling foggy over it all. "Having none of my powers, I didn't like it, feeling that exposed and knowing I had very little way to defend myself. That helpless feeling...I can't deal with that, it's too much like being alive was, before it killed me." 

Not all death left lasting marks but his had, being able to do nothing about it, no way to escape what came down to chance. It was a very bitter truth to accept and Jaxon still didn't, not with any sort of comfort in knowing it had been part of some larger plan. He didn't like Death and he wasn't a fan of Fate either; both tried to steal control of his own life and choices away so he loathed them for it. To admit it though, that he might have been unable to stop something without his powers? There was equal frustration in that. 

"Not all of us are seven foot tall and can break someone's face by punching them." He added with weak humor, that old default of laughing it off gathered around him like a security blanket.

"Noted, now let me wallow and debate how my life is going to fall apart. It makes the fact that it isn't falling apart that much better." There was a logic to it, paranoia brought a strange sense of calm as the worst didn't happen, it was that uncoiling of emotional springs that gave Jaxon some peace, being wrong about what could happen was actually the exact reassurance he sought because being wrong was so much easier than being right and knowing what it would mean. 

"You take it up with Death when that asshole tries to strangle me for screwing things up." He uttered an exaggerated sigh and huffed, as though deeply slighted by how Rune was just so certain of things.  But that too he needed, the unwavering presence, even if he made it very difficult at times. 

Still mulling over it all, Jaxon very pointedly ignored Rune's efforts to distract, at least as long as he possibly could but he'd never been the best when it came to self control. It hardly helped that even with the other man back from the void, seemingly, and the time they could spend together stretching out for days and days while he'd been demanding most of his husband's attention, it never stopped Jaxon from wanting that attention even more. So he had little tolerance, time had worn it away, with all the hair-trigger impatience of a teenager all over again he could not help but sink into distraction so easily.  Biting his lower lip and shaking his head at the word, it seemed unlikely that was the entire truth but it was one he was more or less willing to accept. "Yeah, sure, I believe that. Because you're outside instead of in the house trying to destroy my very expensive sofa, again." 

He did laugh though, the sound a bit strained for the amount of focus he was putting into not giving Rune the full satisfaction of working down his stubborn defenses yet; where was the fun in making it easy? 

People underestimated Rune though, his ability to out-think most people without being obvious about it was something Jaxon found very attractive. Right then it was more frustrating though because his husband knew perfectly well what that comment would do, how it would make every ounce of stubborn will just melt. "That is not fair at all." The complained came with a sigh and hint of a smile at the corner of his lips before his head tipped back and hand lifted to Rune's jaw to draw him down enough to steal a brief kiss, only long enough to satisfy that need for contact before he sank shoulders back against the man's chest. "You never play fair. But I love you, so it's forgivable." By then he was trying not to grin, tension forgotten for a moment, everything forgotten in fact and there Jaxon was again in that little self-indulgent bubble of not thinking anything but the two of them existed.  

He welcomed that roaming touch, obvious with his own as those fingertips trailed down to Rune's wrist and across the top of that hand that spanned larger than his one not in order to direct, what spots didn't the other man already know and had mapped out too many times to count, but urging to continue. The neighbors probably weren't home anyway, and even if they were Jaxon couldn't be bothered to care.  

The ravenette was never one to be outside in such sunlight, but perhaps there was a first time for everything. She eventually found herself at a park, hands folded on her lap as she currently sat down on an empty bench. Her gaze was elsewhere, eventually landing on a pair of moving hands coloring away at what looked like some kind of book.

She wasn’t exactly familiar with the item itself, believe it or not. She’s passed by a few similar ones in the book store that she rarely visits these days, her sketch book still having a few pages untouched being the reason. The woman never understood the purpose of coloring books, typical of her. All her sketches were uncolored, anyway. And she could feel her eye subconsciously twitching at the red pencil in their hand.

Ro jumped at the voice, realizing that the figure she was staring at observing speak up, assuming the words were directed at her.

“Ah, sorry—” She started with an apology, a bit startled. “It’s just,” Ro took a few seconds to think of what to say next, lips opening and closing before settling on an answer. “I like the colors.” Needless to say, she internally cringed at her answer, mind flashing back to the shade of red she saw. It reminded her too much of her thirst.

"Nah, it's fine." He waved off the notion with a glance towards the woman and an amused sound, there were actually few things that annoyed Jaxon in the first place and most of his snarking came more from a place of being bored than any sort of malice behind it. He had no reason to really even do that though, most of his teasing banter was between friends and he didn't know her; people took a lot of things strangely personal. "Yeah? I don't know if there's a right way to do this or not, in theory it's supposed to be relaxing." He mused with a look to the scatter of pencils left on the table; evidently relaxing by normal standards meant a bit boring by his own. 

So his attention shifted instead to her, the brief conversation, curiosity always a vice. While something did have a sense to it that he almost recognized there was nothing familiar about her nor could he sort out what she might have been and that was a problem he'd been increasingly having in town as the world trickled into it and brought ideas he hadn't personally come across before. It always left him wandering what others knew of him just by sight or sense, the dead certainly could decipher exactly that he was a Reaper but they of course existed within the frame of his purpose and it was the living that had a harder time finding answers. Suited Jaxon just fine, really, the less people knew the less they weighed it all. 

Questioning aside though he was by no means unfriendly, attention seeking to a fault actually, and started to toss the pencil in his hand onto the table with the others when he noticed her eyes were drawn to it for a split second longer than expected. He didn't try to guess at why because it could have been a million reasons, most of them likely best left unexplored. 

"It's not too often I see new faces." With an impressive amount of time in town behind him, and a notoriously bad habit of wanting to know everything, Jaxon rarely hadn't at least taken note of most people who had been around a while. Some still slipped past him though, it could have been the case.

It had been a few weeks since the last time they had seen one another. It was an unfortunate consequence of both the blackout and his own whirlwind of emotions. Up until then, Vihaan didn’t need any questions asked. He wasn’t prepared for Jaxon to see what was hiding right beneath the surface, to toe the line into uncharted territory.

However, avoidance only seemed to serve him so far. It only lasted too long, and perhaps something familiar - something solid - was what he had needed to take the first step to putting himself back together. That explained why he was currently sitting on the back porch, a bottle on the table between the pair. It was a crutch, plain and simple, but at least he could trust the burn of bourbon. Another sip taken from glass, surprisingly civil for the moment, before he turned his head to look at the reaper.

“You’ve been unusually quiet for someone I have often wondered may never have a shut the fuck up switch.”

@borrowd-time

"Hey, I'm allowed to have things on my mind." The protest was a weak one, lazy and lacking his usual energetic edge but it was true that he hadn't been feeling quite close to normal lately. "All of that...whatever it was with the blackout, didn't come at a great time." It would have been surprising had he spoke as much to anyone other than the dragon though because Jaxon very much did not admit when he was feeling unsteady, at least in not in any real and honest way. He would, of course, have ranted about it in an over the top effort to his other friends but really it was only Rune and Vihaan who got the full spectrum experience of even his nervous moments rather than hiding the depth of how it bothered him behind humor. 

"It's fine, I'll get over it once my skin stops crawling and I'm not on edge every few seconds." And that was about as good as he expected it to get for the time being. It could have been a conversation but he looked less than eager to expand on it, Vihaan already knew where most of his actual anxieties lay because a fair amount of their friendship had been overshare from his side at times. 

He gave a nod to the bottle, having not touched his own glass yet, but the gesture was more for the sake of knowing that the other man fell to those habits when something was on his mind that held too heavy a weight. "Going to talk about whatever it is or are we both just going to pretend like fine until we're too drunk to have the conversation?"

It was where things would lead, yes, if given the time, and sometimes it was simple; Vihaan needed to talk about something or he needed to not talk about it and Jaxon was there for either case because he happened to value that friendship more than most. Rarely could he fix the problems but he stubbornly would remain until something shifted and things were once more as right with the world as his friend allowed them to be because Vihaan would have done the same for him. Misery loving company and all of that nonsense, yes.

“Death is a person.” He spoke in a way that made it more than a little clear that he’d known this from experience. Granted, the minute he’d spoke he had found regret in the misstep. Fully expecting Jaxon to inquire about that one further, he stopped it before it started with a roll of broad shoulders. “Well, when she wants to be, she’s a person. I don’t know how bad it was, you’re right. But, I do know that you are probably worth a lot more right now, doing what you’re doing, rather than really dead.”

He was honestly surprised that the reaper hadn’t realized his worth. It wasn’t just his value to Rune, or the love that they shared - but in the grand scheme of things. A particularly irritating grin caught his features, not smug, but just entirely too confident. “Despite your inclination to push, that clearly doesn’t negate your value, and when you make yourself irreplaceable, you allow yourself far more wiggle room. I know you prefer panic, I just don’t think it’s needed. It’s not the magic that hides you from death, it’s that she doesn’t care near as much as you may think she does.”

That was probably more than he’d said in the entirety of his time being reunited with Jaxon. It was rare he needed so many words to make a point, but this seemed worth it. As much as he was accustomed to the chaos that came with his husband, that did not mean he like to watch him suffer any more now, than he had before. It was comical when it was temporary, but this was no joke. If he couldn’t bring Jaxon some kind of comfort, he would have failed him. That much was simple, cut and dry for Rune.

“No, don’t be. I survived, and trust me. You’ve grown into, and doubled your weird over the years.” There was that grin again, this time it was more charm and tease than anything else. A gruff laugh left him, a little rough around the edges - like it was rusty, because it had been so long since he’d been genuinely amused, relaxed. “My preference is to always survive with you, but you forget that I can, and did just fine without you, too.”

He was clearly proud of himself when he’d finally won their miniature game of cat and mouse, that laugh returning easily when he spoke of not stopping, and of course how apparently sappy the revenant was. Arms were easily wrapped around him, chin coming to rest on shoulder after that kiss. Granted, he was always distracted by the blonde, which explained why lips temporarily found the side of his neck. “Sappy, right up until someone realizes the only reason I brought you out here is so everyone can hear me fuck you, you sound so good.” Seemingly innocent words, before bouncing right back to the name - as if he hadn’t just spouted off such casual filth.

“And why would you do that?” He asked, knowing the answer would only serve to stroke his own ego.

"Death is a real bastard." Jaxon replied automatically with that old venom in his tone, rarely did he just outright loathe anyone but Death had always been the one being that brought out the absolute worst in him. "And unfortunately, love, it's been a few centuries since I've done anything remotely like what Death wanted. Losing you did a number on me, when you stop caring about anything you make some really questionable choices and, shockingly, Death isn't a fan of the idea of being told off and left behind. Also not a fan of loopholes, apparently." If not for those, however, his existence would have ended quite a long time past so he felt no shame in making use of them. "I don't think that headcase is going to be too welcoming when I've already been throwing off the natural course for a while. A really long while." It wasn't paranoia if there was justification behind it, was there? 

"That whole...do not  interfere with the lives, or deaths, of mortals was a very bad choice on my part to ignore." That being what it was, still, it had been accidental at first and then necessity after the fact for the sake of survival. "Death has a lot of reapers, and has had a lot of time to lose track or just not want to bother finding me; but that doesn't mean it's forgotten or forgiven." He wished he did share Rune's resolve on that but he couldn't, the unsteadiness of his own actions had brought him to that point and the safety he had felt was mangled. "I have this sneaking suspicion that Death would have a field day around here anyway with all the unnaturally undead people so, hey, maybe that helps my cover somewhat. But really, it's one little town, not like it's on Death's radar too much I'd guess when there is a whole world out there."  

“And stop doing that thing where you use logic, I don’t like it, let me be dramatic.” Jaxon grumbled like a child being denied their favorite pastime, and it wasn’t really an unfair comparison when it came to being able to complain about his woes. 

Still, the confidence was shaky as he tried to reach for it, more time was going to be needed to pull himself fully back together. "It's just really scary to know everything could just fall apart when I thought this was where I'd finally found somewhere I didn't have to worry." 

"Shut up, you like my weird." He trailed off, stubbornly trying to cling to that weary mood but Rune wasn't letting him. Head settled back some, it was difficult to be on edge when he felt safe and Jaxon never felt safer than with the other man; that certainly had been the case for as long as he could remember. Amusing, yes, because in the past people were more likely than not to find Rune terrifying for his intensity and sheer presence but that side had never been the one Jaxon had know as more than just what his husband used to deal with other people, namely the ones who weren't him. "Okay, ouch, no; you're supposed to say that you couldn't live with me, since you're dead." He chuckled at his own bad joke, dropping a palm to rest back on Rune's forearm as he gradually relaxed. He got exactly what he wanted, even if he had very pointedly refused to admit it for the better part of the day, when those arms wrapped around him and it did feel like nothing in the world really would dare harm him with Rune there. 

Head tipped reflexively with that roaming kiss, his eyelids dropped heavy for an instant with the pleasant sensation only to open with a roll of eyes at the words. "Oh, I see now; your motives are all about proving to the neighbors that you're shameless." Jaxon grinned and flexed his fingertips in a sweep of contact across his husband's skin to tangle their fingers together. "You only have the advantage there because you know I wouldn't say no." He never claimed to have much tact himself but was there really any blaming him when he'd been centuries apart from the man he loved? The neighbors could watch, for all he cared. 

He had no doubt of why the question was asked and very often he ignored peoples' efforts to get him to cater to them but Rune was different, he was just as pleased to say the words as he knew the man was to hear them. "I buried the first one with you, but I guess since you left that grave my highly determined attempt to make sure we were linked falls a little flat now, huh?" Which he didn't mind at all, let the past tend to itself because he had a future now that was so much more important. "Jaxon Astor sounds either very strange or like a porn star, doesn't it?" Again, that grin crept across his lips before it eased somewhat into a warmer smile. "Though you can still call me Thomas, I missed that." It had nearly made him weak in the knees to hear it after so long.

“You mean after the panic attack? Whatever I have to. I’d sell my soul to stay alive if I even had much of one anymore, if I’ve got to make deals I will, whatever keeps me here.”