I've come so far. Living is ok now

At last! Nagkaroon narin ako ng GUTS to write an update about me since August. I really got a lot of realizations and observations. Connected din to sa reason why i havent been able to journal. Syangapala, I resign last October 5. I really couldn't put my mind to take comfort in knowing na umo-ok na yung dynamics ko with my team. Hindi talaga kaya ng konsensya ko na pahirapan ko yung sarili ko mentally for something na i already experienced before. For the record, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not even blaming myself. I just happened to resign. Yung last na update ko were honestly from a place of frustration and disappointment. Yes, valid and also - super normal pala apparently. I've read about other people with the same dilemma. Akala ko ako lang nakakaranas nun. which brings me to my next learning (wow) I wasn't ready to be uncomfortable again. I resigned sa PGFC because they offered me a new role which stressed me tf out. I resigned sa Nexus bc i got stressed too to the point of self-doubt. Being a Marketing Head and Strategic Creative Director wasn't for me not because I'm incapable to become one but because I WAS ALREADY SETTLED IN BEING AN ART DIRECTOR. I wasn't ready to be uncomfortable again because I already found what I wanted to pursue that makes me happy. I was blinded by the "opportunity to be a better person". Didn't occur to me that I was already a better person bc God put in a career path na sakto and parang ginawa para sakin. I knew the first time I tasted art direction that it would be my career forever. I was elated. I was on cloud 9. I even said there's nothing better than this! Basically, I took my calling for granted just because I thought i could be more. nakakatawa because andami ko talaga plans on art directing bc as in bano pa ako compared sa mga art directors sa labas. Nasilaw ako ng pera honestly and became a bit arrogant sa "great things" I produced. Money is really blinding, i guess. Anyway, yun nga. ayoko na maging uncomfortable with a role at work. It doesn't really make sense especially if I'm happy nanaman sa role ko as an art director to the point na I can plot na yung milestones ko for the next 10 years. So yun, i will really pursue art direction more not just a career but a lifetime calling not just for myself but for God as well. I was supposed to write about the reason for not posting anything here since august despite sa mga important stuff that happened haha! nasatisfy na kasi ako sa mga realizations ko above this paragraph haha.

Yup. here we are. You might be wondering why? basically, It felt like I don’t belong in my current work.

Wow. isn’t 15 days a little too early to say that? I know. That’s why i’m writing this journal to think about it. My mind is just so clouded right now that I need to write things down or my thoughts would just rumble and spiral in my mind.

am I doing this out of any emotional turmoil? maybe. I’ve been frustrated all day bc of the damn biweekly since I have to report and propose a content strategy. and this strategy is not even something I’m good at. so maybe I am doing this out of any emotional turmoil.

But this time it’s different. I am writing right now with a clear mind. Not a single hatred towards anything or anyone like before. tbh I was kind of bumbed at my boss for being too nitpicky on things and his passiveness or the way he delivers instead of just speaking his mind. I mean he is obviously good at his job. there’s no denying that, which is why i thought that this frustration on him is invalid bc he’s just doing his job. and i intend to correct this attitude of mine. see?! I’m freaking stable emotionally now! That’s why I love being an adult! anyway..

I am writing this to exactly figure out what’s in my mind. Slowly, I can see it clearly but I can’t just jump into conclusions. I need to know some aspects that might be affecting this predicament. My goal really is to determine what keeps me frustrated. I have some theories; Adjustment period, Lacking enough skills to do my job, my boss is just too much, or I just don’t see my worth here.

Obviously, adjustment periods can be tough for some of us especially for me who came from a very free environment. I was given the chance to do whatever i want (as long as there’s not much money involved) and was in control of my own decisions; things that is usually a part of my job. as an artist, it was the perfect environment but I went to reach the stars. I became a manager and slowly drowned on so many work and out-of-scope stuff. I was fine with that until I decided to leave and focus on my career as a creative director. Now here in my new work, everything is monitored, my boss is a perfectionist unlike my go-with-the-flow ex-boss, everything is measured. I had to adjust to these things. It’s not really hard for me but it’s definitely uncomfortable. I mean, I’m freaking new. I’m still not familiar with my accounts and stuff. This is like asking a baby to screw a tire.

I think I reached for something too strong for me. I never knew being a creative director would require knowledge on curating and thinking of campaign contents from the data. Like thinking about the analysis and basis of why we do things and the math of how it will work. I mean I knew that but not to this extent where I would collect data myself. usually I would write all data I need and then someone would hand these datas to me and then I analyze and report. In terms of executing on the visual aspect, nothing can sway my confidence. I know I’m good at it. So I think this new job needs more brains than imagination. I mean, i need to balance being a nerd and a weirdo but I’m honestly not confident with content strategies. And I think I’m used to mediocrity that just approve anything without having to critic well. That’s bc I understood my people were underpaid and didn’t deserve a perfectionist boss. so I learned to compromise and adapt to what’s in the table. I learned to give just enough of everything. not too much revisions, not too much spoiling. not too much meetings. I was a pretty laid back boss. and I don’t feel like it anymore.

I’m not blaming my boss, I just think sometimes he’s a bit too much like for the color distribution, do we really need to add the percentage of colors? like can you measure how much green is in a layout? For me that’s nuts. And he expects that we would finish 6 major topics in 1 hour. He admitted that was a bit of a stretch but damn. he could have thought of that before we even started and asked me to hurry up my report. That’s frustrating because I rushed all of my slides bc he wanted to see data, references, and action plans and i just got cut off and felt like I was dragging the presention. And he says things like it’s better to say less and then proceeds to ask for more things to explain. And this is not about my boss anymore but my team is not even sharing things to me. I guess bc I’m new and they didn’t know how to process this but damn, i was leading something I don’t see. They even ignore or refuse my directions. Am I too laid back? do I need to force myself in? bc tbh i am a pretty straightforward guy. I can be too much as well.

There are things I definitely do not know but one thing is for sure I know; I’m not good at speaking. This is the reason why i chose this career bc i thought i didn’t have to explain in a nice and professional way. and yet here we are. But my sense of self, motivation, humor, values, and aspirations are different (i think) from my teammates. I honestly don’t know them yet but I kinda see their difference with me. Even in my interview, I’m kinda sensing the gap between me and my employer. There’s something that doesn’t match. I don’t know what that is at least right now. But i do think theyre not my people. That’s one theory.

So maybe these are all the case. I’m screwed. Am i negative to myself? nah. even though I’m frustrated, I still see my work an a opportunity to be better and I wanna be better. The uncomfortable aspect sucks but I can just live with it. If I was terminated then there’s definitely wrong with me.

Some things happened for the past few months. I learned a lot and discovered new things within me.

After 3 years, I resigned to my first full-time job. Andameng pagiisip ang naganap before I decided to render. Well because this company is sentimental sakin; I really owe my growth to this company in terms of my career. But 3 years has past since and now I am looking for more growth which I thought hindi na kayang mabigay sakin. so I left. Thankful parin ako and will forever remember this. Now I’m a creative director. Highest position for an artist in a corporate setup. I made it. :) I hope to be more fulfilled on the field na mismo. cuz honestly, I still feel like I don’t deserve this position or hindi pa ako super qualified.

But I don’t have impostor syndrome. I know my worth and although it’s true na kulang pa ako sa qualifications on the deeper side of being a creative director, I am more than willing to force myself into this job. I have a plan (although surface level lang haha)

Find conventions or communities for creative directors

Find a mentor

Read a book about product development, art direction, and creative business.

Create a freaking schedule for these plans and habits.

Anyway, I am now getting tired of posting here. I mean, tinatamad na ako magkwento ng mahaba. Although I still appreciate yung benefit ng journaling, I’m starting to be more stable in the head so parang hindi na ako nangangailangan ng validation or medium to express myself. I think naka-move on na yung utak ko dun. Now I’m ok emotionally. Praise the Lord for that.

Lubog ako sa utang. I need to find extra job na.

I’m still not moving out from my parent’s house. May conundrum kasi ako haha. Gagawan kasi ako ng kwarto na. Maliit yung kwarto pero major yung magiging difference in terms of privacy. Nagiisip na ako ngayon if mag-apartment ba or use it nalang to buy my own house/condo. pero pramis kati-kati na ako umalis na talaga. in the end hindi parin kasi ako solve sa privacy ko dito sa bahay. pero hassle sa utak because I need to save for my ultimate goal which is magkaroon ng sariling property/bahay. I am 30 na. I need to be wiser sa pag-spend ng money ko. huhu. I am thinking of some possible ways:

WORK EVEN HARDER - bukod sa fulltime ko, I need more sidelines to get an apartment habang saving up.

Stay sa bahay until I’m ready to buy my own property - This is prolly the most practical and would definitely fast track yung pagiipon ko. downside is I wont be as happy.

Work harder and stay sa bahay - combo hirap

Rent an apartment and work harder - slow pacing in terms of saving, struggle sa finances definitely pero as in happy naman ako on the positive side.

Mark! Kamusta?? Ako to, from year 2015. Wow. Congrats nabasa mo to! Ngayon, (jan 2, 14. 1:23 am) naisip kong sulatan ka pero ang nakakatawa, di ko alam ang isusulat ko. Haha wait…

Siguro gusto ko lang ipaalala sayo na kagagawan mo lahat ng nangyayari sayo ngayon. Well di ko alam ang nangyayari sayo ngayon? May sarili ka nang bahay? Or nag-a-apartment ka na ba ngayon? Haha kase yan yung pangarap MO sa edad kong to. Ano? Kung di mo parin natutupad yung pangarap mo sakin MAHIYA KA. pero nagawa mo naman; edi ang saya! Magreply ka sakin pag nagawa mo ah.. LOL hihintayin kita… Ano nang nangyari sayo? May girlfriend ka na ba? Kung meron pakisabi nakita ko rin sya sa wakas. Pakisabi rin may message ako sa kanya sa future antabayanan nya. Haha! Kung wala pa edi hanap lang..

Ok. Seryoso na tayo… Kaya pala ako nagsulat sayo kase meron akong di maintindihan ngayon. Bukod sa kakapanood ko lang na korean drama: 9 time travel. Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay bakit ganito ako, bakit nasasaktan ako pag naiisip ko pamilya natin? Sino ba ako sa edad mong to? Ano ba ako sa edad mong to? Hay. Kase parang ang makakasagot lang nyan ay ikaw kaya pwede mo bang sabihin sakin ang sagot? Alam kong di ko naman makukuha sagot mo ngayon sa panahon ko pero sagutin mo parin ako kase mahalaga sakin yun! Please!

Konting paalala lang siguro KUYA mark… Focus sa career at pangarap na camera at music studio ha. Wag ka magsawa sa pagtatrabaho. WAG KANG PAPASOK SA ISANG TRABAHO NA HINDI IKAW. binabalaan kita… Matulog ka ng maaga. Panget kase ako e. Ewan ko lang kung ano na ngayon… Haha. Ayusin mo boses mo. Ampanget kase e ha. Wag magsawang mag-aral ha. Yung music team wag mong pabayaan ha. Dyan ka lang kahit iniwan ka na ng iba… Hold on! Nandyan pa si Lord! Kung may obligasyon ka pa sa pamilya natin, punan mo ng walang kabigatan ha. Pamilya mo pa rin sila… Kung may nawala na sa buhay mo. Im sorry mark. Magmove-on ka na. Tsaka btw. WAG KANG MASYADONG NAGWOWORRY SA INIISIP NG IBA HA. kase ngayon konting kibot nagaalala ka… TIGILAN MO NA HA. Manood ka pa ng madadramang movies, makakatulong yun. Panoorin mo ulit yung TFIOS!

Btw. Yung addiction mo. Nasayo parin ba? Sana nawala na sayo…

Damn. I think it’s time to address why I’m still not able to move out. This is not because I don’t have enough money. I can make more money if i really wanted to. I am full aware and I’ve done it several times. I do think the reason is because I’m not ready yet as a person. But this is not about moving out anymore. This is about my attitude towards being independent and why God has not been giving it to me. I think God wants me to fulfill my wish with a proper mind so i would not kill myself. He knows me more than myself and right now I’m still learning this about myself. 

I knew the reason for my problems in life is because i was desperate, hateful, and arrogant. I can already tell that I’m not desperate anymore. I am more patient now with the things i want to achieve that’s why we’re in this position right now. I can say no now with full confidence. I’m not desperate anymore. 

This is my dilemma now. I think I need to overcome these things

i still blame people and my environment for my disposition. in short, I’m still hateful.

i avoid conflict even with myself. This is the reason why I’m writing this down. so I have the evidence before I force myself to believe that I am not hateful and delusional. 

Please take note that my head is spinning right now while writing this. Maybe because my brain’s trying to turn things around by creating false truths. haha i can tell because now the things i did to prove i was hateful and delusional are now foggy as if it’s being erased. I think my brain is used to doing that and now it’s trying to face the truth and it’s struggling

Why do I think I’m still hateful? I grumble a lot even at work. At home, any inconvenience will trigger “This is the reason why i want to move out! so much stress”. I want to be able to live on my own without holding a grudge to the people I left because I want to be free more than anything. I want to be able to live at home without waiting for my success to happen. The goal is to not feel the need to move out. I need to figure out how to overlook the hassles at home and the lack of privacy i’ve been hating for so long. 

I think the reason for my delusion is that it was my defense mechanism. I can turn a lie into my truth, believe it and forget everything else because it hurts. That’s my power. I had a lot of traumatic things back then. The pain & fear lasted for a long time but i wanted to be happy. so I figured i can just think of something else. but then the pain got a lot stronger and happy thoughts could not contain it so i forced myself to forget about the pain and live as if the trauma never happened. But I think it’s been holding me down since. I used to do that at school thinking that lying didn’t matter because I get in trouble no matter what I do. I was happy back then because i get by using this method. I think of it as “being myself”. I didn’t pretend back then. let’s get that straight. I was my most true self when i got back in college. I did not hold back. I say what i want, i do what i want without hesitation. don’t get me wrong. of course may stepping back parin here and there. i lie because i thought i needed to because i what’s the point of behaving? what’s the point of doing things their way? so i can remember my traumas again? so i can relive my bad memories in this damned school? 

i want to live a good life. i want to be happy. i want to be free from my past. that’s what i want. 

now i’m on a wait for something that would lead me to overcome these struggles. 

now the goal is not to move out but to move on. 

So yah, I've come to this place to somehow write what I've been realizing just now from a past experience. in 2021, I was given the chance to choose 2 jobs. I was offered a full-time job in a ministry called True Love Waits then I was offered a salary increase in my current work back then. I knew na path talaga ni Lord na magfull-time ako sa ministry nya and leave the current work I was in kasi it was obviously toxic pero I was too desperate for money, too disappointed sa church ko for not employing me full-time in the music ministry, and too confident na sa creative sector talaga ang calling ko. The most important thing I learned is, He is obvious in His will to His children. The problem is us. I was clearly distracted back then although we're on the same page.

Dati palang, I knew God would lead me to serve Him in the ministry for all my life but I was not certain which ministry iyon. I basically wasted my life believing I would serve Him thru music. I knew that because of the very same realization. Just like in 2021 when I was given a chance to choose 2 jobs; in 2011, I had to choice between 2 courses; Digital Arts or Music. I chose the latter. The rest is history. Do you guys know why I chose Music? same as nangyari talaga sakin nung 2021. I was desperate for money, too disappointed kay mama for not getting me sa UMAK kahit may tulong naman na ino-offer sa loob mismo, and I was too confident na sa music ministry talaga ang calling ko. When I'm impatient, emotional, and too confident, my life turns upside down.

I was too desperate sa mga bagay na kailangan ko

May tamang timing sa lahat ng bagay even when you feel like you're already being left out

I was too disappointed sa mga tao

My decisions in life should not come from my spite towards other people. I have to make my own decisions; be disappointed to myself instead when I did wrong and make sure I move forward from it.

I was too confident in my vision

Looking forward to the future can be too much for someone who's not really sure about anything. Be wise on your steps. Think things through with a calm mind.

The reason why I realized this is because I'm moving towards a new chapter in my life. It's going to be a major change for me and I've been thinking about it.

ngayon na gets ko na, I really have to be certain on this decision.

Am I ok with loosing friends as I grow old? Am I really?

and the answer is…

no.

but I think my definition of a FRIEND is not quite the usual (i think). I am friends with someone when I think about them constantly. These people I call friends, they’re in my plans. Whenever I want to eat somewhere nice, I send invites. I think about them. I think about them even when I’m thinking about my future; they’re a part of it. I think about them. For me, a friends is someone you could spend good, deep, and quality time with. I have friends like that. They’re the most precious thing to me. For me, a friend is someone who can put up with my bullshit. Who respects me despite our differences, or one who would confide in me despite knowing my darkness.

and I think, sa lahat ng definition ko, ito yung pinaka-flawed: For me, a friend is someone you can be accountable with even without proper/constant communication. I think i can see it na clearly ngayon.

and the most painful part it, it’s life and there’s nothing I could do to prevent it. People grow up. People change. People find new people and those who are from the past, they’re usually forgotten.

in my case, right now, I feel like I’m being reserved on the side. counted lang ako kapag wala nang choice, ganun. that hurts, I’m not gonna lie.

and what hurts the most is, most of the reason why I’m being tossed aside is from my own doing. I was never the best at communication. I usually find friends and confide to them whenever I need to. I’m only there for them when it’s convinient to me. I don’t even message them when I’m feeling like i wanna be alone. that’s why kapag nasa mood na ako to communicate, wala na silang motivation to do the same to me. kumbaga, this is my destiny.

Should I say sorry to these people? I don’t think I have to now that I think wala na kami sa ganung level anymore; yung may obligation pa ako to apologize for not being a good friend to them. I should just accept yung path I have with the people I cherished and try to be a better friend to someone new moving forward.

I like this poem

“And then one day someone walks into you life, a total stranger, and they become so important to you. And while you’ve known them such a short time, you feel you have loved them for a lifetime.”

my good days with them felt like a lifetime and I’m not ready to let go of them yet. They’re still precious to me.

Right now, I still like the concept of living on my own. It has been my motivation for a long time and I can finally achieve it now. There is no way in hell that I would sacrifice that just for the sake of maintaining my relationship with these people who doesn’t even love me the same way as I do.

now it feels like I just wanted to find myself and love myself a little better.

I don’t really love myself. I just wanna be on my own and enjoy my life for a moment. Good things will come for those who are true with the right attitude.

all I have to do now is actually building a character that is better at making friends.

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

now that ive grown fond of this corporate life, i have realized and learned a few things in finding the right spot to a comfortable life in the office. these knowledge are inevitable and has become etched in my brain; something that is relentless and itches if not acted upon.

so here it is, some of my coworkers seem to not understand some things at work and it bothers me bc it affects my performance. I cannot move forward with these people slowing me down or at least keeping things at a slow pace.

i am well aware of these consequences that might come and i don’t want to be in the middle of it.

i am really trying to be better at my job but people are hopeless. it’s something that i cannot control that’s why i’m very frustrated.

I wish i could find a better way to communicate these frustrations and translate it into something helpful for the team.

as much as I want to be happy that you’re getting married, i could still find myself sad about it.

I’m sure i’m already over with my feelings for you. it’s just that the fact that you were my whole world back then and the thought that we could’ve been together if i just pushed it further was quite the memory i can’t just get rid of.

it’s just funny how my life revolved around my “love” for you. you were the subject of my songs, you were the reason why i wanted to move forward with my life. and you are going to get married to someone you love.

i know you love me and i’m happy to be a friend. it’s just that i never thought that leaving these memories of my love for you would be this hard.

maybe because i was the happiest when i met you and i’m scared that i would not feel it again so i kept my memories of this love.

hopefully i would find the courage to say goodbye to what we could’ve been.

i have to move forward with new memories of you and with someone new.

I have to.

so.. in short, 2023 started a little traumatic. kind of a transition from hell to earth. Finally, i learned something related to my career and that led me to where I am today. I pushed myself on being an Art director and after that short transition, I enjoyed my life. 2023 has been a good year for me, I learned and enjoyed a lot. It was actually a little too fast to say the least. it wasn’t my intention to be in this position. i was just manifesting it by taking all the steps needed. never thought i would be in this position in just less than 2 years of working in the creative industry.

i am grateful and thankful for everything i experienced. because of this opportunity, i was able to confidently identify what I really want to pursue in my life. I WANT TO BE AN ART DIRECTOR. this is what i really want.

right now in the office, things are a little awkward and confusing since everyone is planning for 2024, our company is going to be merged with another company, ngl, it was kinda chaotic. but the good thing about this is that i was able to understand the business aspect of this profession and i was able to help my supervisors come up with a plan/system for the company. so in a way, it was fun for me since this is what I really want to do.

right now, I have this feeling that my bosses still see me as a designer. i still am but with my position in the company, i’m not suppose to design anymore. somehow, it just shows how little they value this part of their business or just how uneducated they are in terms of what i really do as an Art director.

should i tell em about my position?

regardless of their understanding about my position, I still don’t have any choice but to stay for more years to build my career as an Art director. I just need to manage my time so i would get clients outside of my company.

i think i need these things next year

A freaking mentor

A brand identity for my freelancing

A freaking business

Yo, self! Congratulations on moving on with your life from the hell that is the Bueno Foundation featuring the literal spawn of Satan, that bald bitch that you couldn't even remember the name (it's Marvin ew that name sucks ass) what have you learned so far after that incident that made you think that you finally moved on?

I became more confident with my profession

I got better at my profession tbh

I became some sort of calm and collected at work

I'm complaining less now

I became more quiet at work HAHA

I'm now better at arranging my thoughts

I am now more capable of handling work than before

I can now avoid work that is not in my scope

I learned that I can never find a job that's good for me. I can just be the better person at any given situation

Now i can confidently say that my accomplishments are my own and that should be proud of it.

that path led me to all sorts of emotions and upbringing in life. One thing for sure made sense: I am on my own and have to lead myself to a better life. I should never trust anyone about my well-being because, in the end, it's me who decides whether to be better or worse. My boss complimented my work? that's not going to motivate me to live. sure, I will be very grateful but to owe that success to him? nah. I was complimented because I did great (damn, that's so mayabang of me haha! please, tread carefully, Mark!) My boss/clients didn't like my work? That's not going to change how I think about my skills as an artist. I will take it to my heart and try to improve, but that won't make me feel awful about myself.

my ability to work heavily relied upon what others thought of me. Now I can say that I am my own person now. I know I'll still fail. I will fall down but unlike before, I can control what I think and make something useful out of it. This is the last time I will say that I am grateful for all the hardships I've been thru for the past 3 years. It has been a pain in ass and I'm over it now. Now it's my time to prove to myself that I can be the person I always wanted to become.

I made the wrong choice.

Yup. I made a wrong choice in life YET AGAIN. Why am I always have to deal with these kinds of things in my life? I mean sobrang evident yun from my toxic relationship with my home church and with how I turned out in FEBIAS. Why am I always in this kind of situation wherein lagi nalang akong nasa maling part ng mga bagay-bagay?

One thing I really learned from my horrible experience with these people is that money, friendship, and vanity cannot make you a better person. IT WILL NEVER TURN INTO A GOOD PERSON.

I know yang realization na yan is like so basic and should have been learned noon pa pero I do believe na hindi yun madaling ma-recognize until nararanasan mo na yun in real life.

I was so naive and desperate. I should’ve known from the beginning that working in this foundation will get me nowhere; that things would get worse. I never listened to the obvious red flags.

I was so desperate in finding a job back in 2020 so I didn’t think things through about sa papasukan kong kompanya. Nung interview palang I should’ve known. I was interviewed in a van at the back of a condominium. Obvious na may mali dun kaso I still went through it thinking na sa wakas may tumanggap sakin. I was so happy because may progress na at last yung decision ko to pursue being a graphic artist. I was blinded by the thought of making money. And the fact that we were told that we should be grateful bc may tumanggap samin is such an obvious red flag. My ever entitled boss told us na wala na kaming makukuhang trabaho like he’s offering and we listened to him. I listened to his opportunistic shit bc I looked up to him; a “millionaire bachelor” na pinoy at maraming kompanyang hinahawakan. I was so enticed by his wealth that I decided to move forward with his offer.

The thing is first day ko palang e I should’ve known na mali na ang mag-stay bc the shitty boss was shouting terrible things to his employee over the phone. He was abusing people verbally just bc of certain issues na pure speculations lang nya. Dapat hindi na ako tumuloy dun palang.

Now I realized I can get a job just as easy. Iba lang talaga yung situation noon dahil kasagsagan ng pandemic non. After he mesmerized us with his wealth and shit we felt dependent to him. I idolized him and treated him like a mentor who could get me to success. Oh, boy was I wrong. He’s just full of crap. Isa lang syang alila sa mga banyaga like a typical Filipino. Binaba ko yung sarili ko thinking na wala pa akong maipagmamalaki. But I was already competent and experienced even before pa ako ma-employ as their multimedia artist. I was already at my peak skill-wise and I still chose to believe I’m no one. Nag-pauto ako. I was so stupid.

Friendship is such a horrible thing with the wrong people. I was happy na may mga tropa ako na nakakakulitan ko; mga tao wherein I can be myself ng walang limit. I was happy. But then after ng mga pagbaback-stab nila sakin, pagiging silent when I needed them the most. Yung kung sino pa yung inaasahan mong tutulong sa iyo, sila pa yung wala ginawa when you are being accused of something without proper evidence. These people never stood up for me. Instead, they hid their tails in front of their boss, takot na mawalan sila ng trabaho and get some lashing. In the end we were controlled by the fear of being jobless na hahamakin na namin ang lahat para lang masustain yung mga trabaho nila. Di ko sila masisi. Sadyang evil lang talaga yung boss namin. They helped me sa ibang stuff pero sa mga vital stuff? Wala.

I stayed sa foundation bc I thought being with friends would get me through the day. I was terribly wrong. They’re nothing but a good time only. Walang ambag sa ikabubuti ng mental health ko, walang ambag sa buhay ko. Puro panandaliang saya lang. Di ko ikakaila na I had fun working in the foundation. We had so much fun together. We had a fun relationship with each other. We were personal with each other. Super personal na di namin narealize na mali sa isang corporation ang bringing personal matters at work. We knew yung mga baho ng isa’t-isa. They knew who I am and they used it to their advantage. To make false accusations of me. They even decided on my sexuality by themselves. They loved me sabi nila. I was a fool to believe them. Na-attach ako sa egotistical, social climber, entitled, playing safe, and balimbing. Sa kanila ba ang sisi? No. Wala na akong pakeelam sa pagkatao nila. Ganun sila e so bakit ko ibabaling yung misery ko sa kanila? Ang sisi ay sakin because nagpa-uto ako. Naging sobrang attached ako sa kanila. Naging too friendly ako; masyado kong pinakita yung sarili ko sa kanila. Now they’re nowhere to be found. Di narin sila nakikipag-usap sa isa’t-isa. Yung isa sinaktan na’t lahat bumalik parin sa foundation. Yung isa kibit-balikat lang. Yung isa tuod parin. Alam mong driven lang din talaga sila ng pera. I want to be different sa kanila. Tbh they’re all shitty. I kinda regret being friends with them. Don’t care if they didn’t think of me as a friend. They were a friend to me. I was so naive.

And I just wanna talk shit about my egotistic, narcissistic, know-it-all, manipulative, and crazy boss. His way of life is so deceptive. Muka lang good and for the better pero for his good lang pala. He’s full of lies even sa mga aso nya. Even dun nagsisinungaling sya para lang ma-flex nya yung “yaman” nya. I can’t talk about him for so long bc I’m still traumatized by his abuse towards me, his employees, and his family. He is full of pride lang na yung yaman ng ibang tao kunyari sa kanya. I’m a fool for believing in him and looking up to him. True, I learned new stuff from him pero to what extent? Tbh he acted like a god, giving promises, sharing his affection, being generous. I was happy that he was like that sa amin. Pero yun nga. He was like that because he thinks he owns us and deserves to be awed and praised. He was playing god. As a religious guy, I thought this guy is godly. God, was I wrong. He’s just full of shit.

But from all of those terrible things I am now stronger and better. Ngayon di na ako papayag na minamaliit lang yung trabaho as if anyone can do it. Now mas kaya ko na to stand-up for myself but never showing what I truly am. FEBIAS taught me to not give a shit about what people say about me pero this god-forsaken foundation taught me that this world doesn’t deserve my truthfulness. That sounds egotistical pero I have to convince myself that I am enough bc if not then di ako makaka-move on from the trauma i experienced from them.

I am enough and I can strive for success with the help of the right people. I am no longer enticed with wealth and influential people. Instead I am now more observant and conscious with my actions and limitations. I can say I was a better person because of these people.

But to think na other people can learn about these things without having to go through horrific situation seems a little unfair to me. The question still remains. Why am I always affiliated with terrible people? How can I remove myself from experiencing these things again? How can I move on from this life of being with evil people?

One thing I do know is everyone is evil. Even I am evil. Now i do know that my God can only give me the right influence and experience. Not religion, not friends, not my own realizations but God. He the only way, the truth, and the life.

Now I just need to completely remove these people out of my life and start anew with a whole new perspective to things. I must know my limits. I must have the courage to stand up for myself. I have to take care of my real friends. I have to give more importance to self-appreciation.

Re: Church

I’m tired, sad, and disgusted by all of it.

Well, the issue has already passed; my mother decided to leave the church, for the rest of the family, wala kaming intention to leave but we’re getting the vibe na hindi magiging healthy yung samahan namin with the people involved if we stay without actually discussing yung issue nila kay mama. I for one should take the blame because I didn’t do anything given the fact na part pa ako ng BODET noon. I wasn’t able to attend to their meetings din naman at first dahil medyo napapagod narin ako sa redundancy at lack of innovation ng church leaders bago ko pa nalaman yung issue. In the first place, wala din naman sinasabi sakin yung nanay ko kaya wala rin akong alam. Pero in the end, problem pa din yung part na wala akong ginawa kahit man lang to know kung ano ang nangyayari. I feel bad for that pero at the same time, masaya din ako bc i got to see kung pano kumilos ang leadership sa heat ng mga ganitong situation. Almost all of them are dodging the issue like it’s none of their business. Gets na naman kung ano ang problema dun. Especially the pastor. It’s as if he’s hiding under the whole leadership and waiting for someone to make a point bago pa sya magsalita. That is kinda passive for a pastor. And being biased instead of being the bridge to both parties… Anyway, I don’t get disappointed at them anymore bc I can forgive; we are all humans sa huli. Pero that moment when I saw him on that situation. Nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa kanya. It wasn’t a good impression. Forgetting is not a easy thing to do.

For my ministry, di naman ako natatakot na madisband kami or magkaroon ng lamat sa isa’t-isa. Natatakot ako na mawala na ang lahat because of the lack of innovation and change of system. The people in the ministry are getting older and nagiiba ang kanilang mga priority in life. It’s just a matter of time before sila magdecide to leave for good bc we all know that people have needs and in the way yung mga bagay na wala namang benefit sa kanila financially. Most of the people sa simbahan ay hindi mayaman. Mga borderline middle class people and hindi practical to be a volunteer sa church habang gutom o nangangailangan ang pamilya mo. Medj ironic yun. Anyway, imma try to stick out hanggang sa masabi ko ke pastor kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa church and then dun lang natin malalaman kung ano ang future.

Pero hindi big deal sakin if I leave the church. Walang regrets. I can say na hindi nakasalalay sa simbahan yung samahan na nabuo doon. Mahal ko yung music team and will forever cherish my memories with them. We just have to accept that this happened and this is life. My mom is kinda toxic she kinda deserved it. My family is too attached to the church na naging toxic narin yun para sa amin.

I am getting older and tired, I’m not as dumb as my parents for working full time sa church for free. Yung culture of serving the Lord despite of personal issues and lacking as a family ends here. We’ll serve the Lord with all that we have; not with what is left in us.

Re: Family

I have this unnecessary mindset with my family that i guess nagiging way din sa akin to grew weary about my life. In short, ang arte ko sa pamilya ko. So like for the first time in my life, I realized that being with my family were not so bad after all. Maybe dahil di na kami nag-aaway ngayon di katulad dati. Although nandun parin yung mga nakaka-inis na bagay na kinakamuhian ko dati, right now hindi na sya masyadong bothersome for me. I believe dahil din yun sa nasanay nalang talaga ako sa ugali nila and nagkaroon na ako ng tolerance ng todo. I can say na ok lang sakin na mag-stay sa bahay as long as I want. I think this is good because I can now choose to move out without the reason na ayoko kasama mabuhay ang pamilya ko. And back to my first thought. I really ako talaga yung gumawa nalang ng reason para hindi maging ok sa pamilya ko. I was basically too mad and ashamed of myself and them na nagkaroon na ako ng reason to be aloof sa kanila.

Now I’m all for building a good life for my family especially my parents. I’ve come to accept my fate, na pasan ko yung failure ng mga magulang ko with their financial capabilities and care for them until they die. As much as I want to spend my life for myself; I have poor parents to attend to. I know it sounds like an obligation without love nalang pero I just think we’re way past that road na; na we’re still thinking about how we love each other. I love them but I don’t really know them to say na close ako sa kanila and comfortable enough to show affection to them. In the end they raised me this way so I guess it’s on them as well haha. Basta we’re ok with each other and wala na akong hihilingin pa. I love them enough to provide what I can for them.