borderlineprovidence

I have more guilt regarding my vegetarianism (consuming tortured animal byproducts due to it being easier to fit in socially) than I feel regarding abortion, given my experience with my parents including my dad who once let me know he wished they had aborted my accidental conception (i don't believe he ever actually wished that, he just wanted to hurt me with some more words that night). I had wished I had been aborted for three years at that point, age twelve, since I first heard of the concept what with it being a nicer route back to nonexistence than suicide. Edit: apologies for the epic stream of consciousness run on sentence I commented this on a fb personality group, edited, went to delete, remembered tumblr <3

Massive Life Changes Occurring Sharply increased tectonic activity below the surface The wedding was a disaster: they gave away our rooms, missed the ceremony, didn't eat all day but had 5 glasses of wine and cocaine and marijuana, anxiety attack just prior to dinner (not related to the food really), bf drove me back to the room where I cried my eyes out and did a line and went on irc (internet relay chat, the darkweb) Talked to my internet meth dealer on there and somehow we came to an understanding that we have the same fetish, which I've only begun externally acknowledging this year mainly due to the meth effects of completely ridiculous sexual liberation persisting in sober life, gratefully. So I'm in an e-lationship now on the side which is pretty common for me during my long term relationships probably because I communicate online via typeface so much better than irl... my bf and I don't have much sex and I kinda think he has a low drive or takes a receptive role. I can't take these receptive boyfriends even though they are so fucking good to me, it's just not in the way I need :/ and I feel so bad. I ruin good men and they don't even know the real reason why. Although I kinda wonder if he cheated on me because, well, from what I gather in his stories, he cheated on every woman he has been with..

Ummm what So I finally radically accepted my ridiculous fetish(es) - the real ones, not the ones I used as coverup, enough to outwardly express anything at all for the first time in 11 years I mean I never so much whispered anything aloud to myself If I didn't accept them I was setting myself up for a colossal split of the mind: There are parallels in my thinking to my friend afflicted with schizoaffective disorder, which has lessened since she began her public transition from her male birth gender. Sometimes I believe people could smell my fetish off me or otherwise somehow discern it. But I know I was really successful at staying in the actual kink closet. I know my intimate partners dissolved into puddles of confusion because I was so good at hiding it. Now I know how to say, it is none of your business, were they to ask me. I do not know how to tell my bf about the main thing even though I strongly suspect he is already into it or at least would not judge me as disgusting due to a porn depicting a highly analogous fantasy but who knows maybe he got that thing for free ughhhhgugugihigdrstdtd Umm so I don't know how I talked about this with my internet ice dealer due to being drunk and anxious at the wedding, where nothing went according to plan, but somehow I told my dealer what exactly my fetish is, and he sorta knew mainly because he is into it??!? this is hard for me to believe even though rationally logically intuitively it makes sense but I can't believe this is happening and everything is ok. The main awesome thing re: stimulants esp meth is the sexual liberation which persists after the comedown, because I did the thing and I fucking loved it just as I always have So my dealer and I are exchanging pics and words and I'm excited in a weird way. I feel relief, finally, like I am finally at the root. It has taken so long, and really there's a lot more to go Like what if my actual father apologizes and goes to the treatments and we have a good relationship? I don't think I would have the fetish anymore, I think it would dry up surprisingly quickly. But what about the relationships with a man/men who fulfill(s) the role and probably really like or love me, at least invested in me? Would I still be attracted to them? What if I don't want to play like that anymore? Luckily, I guess, I don't think my actual father would do that. My dealer is Hispanic which is like funny to me initially given the game we're playing, but hot actually, and hotter when I realize that means it really is the roleplay that I'm into, not ever crossing the real line. Anyway lately I've been relating to Spanish culture a lot, more than when I took it in school. The other night I dreamed my attractive Hispanic coworker took me in his arms and kissed me so passionately. He is short but I think I'd like a shorter guy next, it would make him look that much bigger when it counts. He calls me (and others) 'babygirl' I can't hide my smile~