Good Morning StarShine!

I can only try to be everything she deserves.

He plays video games, our daughter plays with her toys, and I just feel lonely. They play together, and I love that. But once they’re done playing, he goes back to his games. There’s barely any time in the day where we engage with each other, it feels like. I feel like a ghost sometimes, just existing until I’m needed. My baby loves my attention, and I give it willingly. She loves to engage. I love to engage with her, to be in her space, her light. But… I miss my partner . I miss the attention. I miss days spent on the couch, playing games together - because it’s not that he’s gaming that’s the issue - it’s that he doing it alone, that I feel so lonely.

I feel like a ghost, at times. The nights are when he’s focused on me, when our bodies tangle together and it’s like his world is comprised of our intermingling breaths and soft kisses. It’s a moment, fleeting and cherished. But then it’s over, and we sleep.. and in the morning he’s gone again. Not physically gone, but his focus is elsewhere and I don’t want to take up all his time, I just want to be a part of his day. I want more than moments at night, moments in the car. I want time with him. I want to be seen in the daylight.

It’s silly. To be so close to someone, to build your life around them, only to feel so detached in the hours that the sun is up.

I’m sitting here, remembering the feeling as a child in which I sat in my room imagining a companion. When the loneliness became too much to bear and my mind created a friend. It’s moments like this where I search for that imaginary friend. Where I imagine their warmth, their attention. Isn’t that odd? Strange? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud, sending thoughts into a void that owes me nothing but silence. Do I exist, in these moments? Or am I truly just a spectre, a gray space without colour or definition until someone looks my way? Am I a blank canvas, an empty vessel waiting to be filled with a soul? Do I disappear if no one is around to hear me?

I don’t know.

Stupid fantasizing idiot dumbass girl.

Did you really think it would turn out the way you wanted?

.

.

.

You’d move in together, and feelings would grow until one day you fell into each other’s arms, your combined desire for one another just too overwhelming to bear?

Did you really imagine the beginnings of your happy home, your family unit?

Oh, poor idiotic - scratch that - DELUSIONAL girl.

Sad, sad. Pathetic even.

Kill me.

Kill me now.

But I still feel bound to you.

I still feel like I belong to you.

I still feel like I’m.. yours.

I feel your body against mine as I lay in bed..

I feel the ghost of your warmth.

If I stop forcing you out of my mind - just for a moment - I can hear the soft sleeping breaths leave your lips..

Am I crazy?

I feel loyal to you.

Any attempt of flirtation from someone else and I freeze.

Allowing someone (other than you) inside me feels like cheating.

Will this fade? Will my love for you dissolve..? as if it never existed, as if it was never a living being shaking the walls of my heart?

Do I want it to?

Extremely selfish. That’s me. Unable to cope with my emotions, unable to communicate, trying to explain how my brain works so you can talk to me without ripping my heart out but no, I am selfish. I am the selfish bitch.

You are understanding, emotionally mature, calm and collected. You… are not selfish.

I am the problem. I know. I’m the problem.

I won’t speak again. I’ll be quiet. I have to be.

Not like.. angry scream. A scream of despair. A soul shattering howl. A wail of Herculean proportions.

I can’t stand it. I can’t stand how small and stupid you make me feel. I can’t stand how painful it is to have you act like this towards me. I can’t fucking stand it.

Would you rather I just stay silent? Never try to communicate? God, I know I’m bad at it, I’m still fucking learning how to communicate peacefully but goddamn it I’m fucking trying and you keep treating me like a monster..

Am I a monster…?