"People Start To Heal The Moment They Feel Heard"

Everyday I still think to myself at least once a day and theres no meaning to anything that we are doing in this life. I feel like i’m in a rut that is going to last forever. I’m a hopeless stoner, fuck.

i wish i could be more helpful and not such a burden. my mental health prevents me from working a full time job. i can handle 6 hour shifts and thats about it. For some reason those last 2 hours are unbearable and impossible to handle. i get so anxious and feel like i’m doomed for the rest of my life. if only i could hold down a full time job or 2 part time jobs but all i can handle is 1 part time job and then theres my boyfriend working doubles, he has 1 full time job and 1 part time job and its taking a toll on his mental health as well. he is bringing in the majority of our income and i wish i could just explain the crippling anxiety that comes with a full time job without sounding like a completely lazy person who doesn’t want to do anything for themselves. one of my biggest goals in life is finding a job i love and being able to work it full time without losing control of my emotions. i’ve even been thinking about going back to school but i don’t have the time and i definitely don’t have the money and i really don’t want to take out another loan since one of my biggest triggers is money and i spend it like its nothing and that has hurt me and my parents financially more than once. 

my boyfriend is experiencing depression and anxiety as well, he’s always had this mental disorders but they are starting to come to light 1000x more in the last few months. he has maybe 5% will to live, i wish i could make him okay, i wish i could take away all the pain, i wish i could just wave a magic wand and make him okay again. he’s currently working 2 jobs and that is taking a major toll on him. he’s starting to hate what he used to love because he works for a bunch of shit heads. He can’t even take a sick day without the fear of getting terminated, he got hit by a car and they still made him come in the next day. he once cut a piece of his finger off at work and they wouldn’t let him leave, he lost a bit of blood, and his finger bled all through his work day but he was forced to stay. that’s at the first job. i think he enjoys his second job a little bit more, its the same type of job as his first one but he’s appreciated at his second job, and they honour the sick days system that all jobs are supposed to. we might be moving to the east coast at some point for 6 months but who knows if that is still going to happen because of everything thats going on. 

I just I could just help my sister, her anxiety has been taking over her life lately, to the point where it is disrupting her life. Today her work sent her to the crisis unit and it sounds like they didn’t really help at all. She has the same family doctor as me and I think I’m going to see if he can do the same thing for me. (everything is is doing currently is forcing her to pay out the ass yet everything for me is free?? we are only 3 years apart so i don’t really understand). Her and the guy she is seeing have made it official and i’ve literally never seen her this happy. She is still worried about the sexual part of the relationship, which can really stress her as she is unexperienced and putting a bunch of pressure on herself, for the longest time she’s thought she is asexual and aromantic and I think now she’s realizing she’s not aromantic and that she might actually not be asexual and just demisexual. I wish I could take away all her anxiety and worries, her boyfriend is just a kind person and knows she’s unexperienced and would not force her into anything she is uncomfortable with. 

Relationships in the past I’ve had people think that because they “loved” me I should no longer be depressed. Because they called me “beautiful” I should see myself as that way, but mental illness does not work that way. Idk if these experiences will help you at all but I thought if maybe they could its worth telling you about. 

from C

we had sex lastnight. I do not consider what happened last night “making love” it was just us “having sex”, he treats me way too much like one of the girls he watches in porn. It felt too fake, too forced, and too aggressive. He treated my vagina so aggressively - with his tongue, his fingers, and his penis and I have no idea how to bring it up to him. I love him so much and sex isn’t always like this, but lately it has been, I don’t know how to bring it up with him without hurting him? Would that hurt him? Or is it something I should have brought up long ago, I have mentioned to him I am not like a porn star and that I don’t even like watching the uber fake shit but he does. I’ll move his hand away but he’ll just keep trying like I’m playing hard to get, NO I AM NOT A GIRL IN A PORN MOVIE, WHEN I MOVE YOUR HAND - KEEP IT THE FUCK AWAY.

I feel like my soul has known you my whole life even though our physical bodies were only introduced in 2011. We were dating by 2012 and I have never been happier since, I know we split ways for a little while but our souls never did, we were drawn right back to each other. I can honestly say that I would never want to live without you, you have brought me back to life in more ways than one. I can’t even describe how much I love and care about you, no words could ever come close to explaining it. You’ve gone from cleaning my wounds to kissing my scars, you’ve taken the time to take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. I’ve put you through so much and sometimes I don’t understand why you still put up with me, how in the hell did I get so lucky to stumble upon someone like you to end up with for the rest of my life? I’m sorry I made you fear you wear losing me to my mental illness, you pulled me out of the darkest times of my life and I never want to know what life would be like without you, happy 6 years my love, heres to so many more years to come <3

i used to have this friend. she was my best friend at one point. i let my jealously get in the way of a lot. i never felt like i was a best friend to her, i felt like she was closer or chose all her other friends over me, and for that i was jealous. i felt like she went to them before me and i let that hurt simmer for a long time. i felt her and i gradually drifting apart and i so badly wanted to blame it on her and not myself. i made a lot of mistakes in our friendship, i’ve fucked up quite bad, i ended our friendship because i was scared she was going to end it. i don’t want to regret that decision but i do. i still check up on her, on twitter, tumblr, insta, and all i have to say is that i am so proud of the woman that she is turning into. she’s beautiful, has a stable job, lives with her boyfriend, owns a dog, etc. i just wish i could let her know how proud of her that i am and that i wish i could take our second last conversation back.

I am not okay

1. save my tips 2. no fast food 3. cut back on smoking weed (or quit all together) 4. put 10% of each paycheque into savings 5. 

we had a deadly fight the other night and a lot of things were said and a lot of it was hurtful. i was called lazy, the queen of naps, that i don’t do anything around the house, and that when he’s moody after work its not because of work but its because of me cause when he comes home he comes home to more work. which i don’t 100% agree with him, i do a lot around here just like him. his version of cleaning is taking all the clothes and throwing it in the corner or moving all the dishes to on top of his dresser but not actually upstairs. we were both in the wrong that night but at least i can admit it and apologized. i’ve been making a point to clean more and take out the trash and dust and vacuum. i know he does a lot and has a full time job and i only have a part time one but i’m trying. i’m trying to find more work, i can’t just pull a job out of thin air. i am so proud of him and i’ll be the first one cheering for him i just wish that he was cheering a littler harder for me too. i think we both need to quit weed. at least until we both have our debts paid off and for him it wouldn’t be too much longer but i have way more debt then him and i don’t know if he would still not wanna smoke until i paid off everything or if he would want to start smoking right away again, but first i obviously have to bring this up with him. i hope we can do this together, maybe we can even start working out together again too. i miss those days. our sex life is slowly but surely improving and i couldn’t be more thrilled about that, i hate the fact that my meds lower my sex drive but i crave the intimacy from him and i want him more than anything. i fear everyday that he will completely fall out of love with me one day and that it will hit me out of no where like a train but i trust him and i hope we stay together forever, i know that sounds cliche but i am so deeply in love with him, and i know he is with i.