Lazy_Bookwormz

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Maintenance Worker

"Hi. I hope my letter reaches you. I'm not really good at talking in general, and I've wanted to ask this person out for a while now. We've spent some time working together, but I don't think I've made much progress. I also find it difficult to ask them out on a date because of both my schedule and theirs. I don't really have many ideas for dates either, since I'm not used to them. I've asked some friends for advice, but I'm still not confident. I hope you can give me some advice. Also, the rack you're using was a bit wobbly, so I fixed it and secured the box back in place."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Oh dear. Are you an angel who fell from heaven? 🩷

Thank you for fixing my rack. You're currently my favorite customer.

I didn't even notice it was damaged.

I really should start paying more attention to things like that before I get complaints from customers.

Nobody wants to deal with a confession box suddenly collapsing onto the floor.

Now, about your problem... Hmmmmm.

You said you've worked together before.

That means you're already familiar with each other's workflow, right?

So why not ask them out on a work date?

People always think dates need to be some fancy candlelit dinner.

Sometimes just spending productive time together can be really enjoyable.

You don't have to squeeze something between your schedules.

Work with the schedule.

Get coffee together before work.

Take lunch together.

Offer to help them with something.

Be yourself. Have confidence. And ask them out.

You sound like a lovely person.

I'd be surprised if they declined.

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: You are annoying

"I still cannot understand why you insist on running this kind of business and serving different people every day when you could simply work for one person and be paid handsomely."

The very next letter arrives in the exact same handwriting.

"I asked them to come over to my place, but they declined every single time. So I started paying them to spend time with me instead. Recently, they have become busy with other men and have not come over very often. Should I remove those unnecessary distractions so they can focus on me?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

BRO.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING MY BUSINESS?

I work for whoever I want.

Have you ever heard of something called PASSION?

PASSION!

Take your money and leave!

Stop harassing my small business!

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Wait.

I just discovered a stack of cash inside my confession box.

Was that you? Did you mistake my confession box for a piggy bank?

Sir.

I genuinely love my job.

I am very passionate about it.

That does not mean I don't enjoy my other work too.

I simply like making people happy. Especially couples who are obviously meant to be together.

Now then.

As a highly trained and completely professional love advisor...

You PAY someone to spend time with you?

Sir.

Sir.

SIR.

This is concerning. Not financially at least.

Who taught you that this was a reasonable strategy?

I would like their name. I simply want to talk.

There's a very high chance this person currently sees your relationship as one between an employer and employee.

Unfortunately, that can be difficult to change.

Also...

How much money do you even have?

Because this solution should not have been your first thought.

And absolutely do NOT get rid of anybody.

That is illegal. Please do not commit crimes in pursuit of romance.

If you genuinely care about this person, then treat them like a person.

Ask them out properly.

What do they enjoy?

What hobbies do they have?

What food do they like?

What places have they always wanted to visit?

Plan something around them.

And remember.

YOU have to plan the date.

I do not want to hear any nonsense involving personal assistants, secretaries, butlers, managers, accountants, bodyguards, chauffeurs, or mysterious men in suits doing all the work for you.

This is not one of those billionaire mafia romance novels.

The effort needs to come from your own heart.

And if you're truly that desperate... Then fine.

Pay them to go on the date.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Experiencing Emotional Damage

"Hi, Cutie. Hope you're having a wonderful day before reading my letter. I believe they enjoy spending time with me despite the fact that I cannot hang out with them very often. They occasionally help me with gardening and visit my bar. The problem is that one of my close friends keeps flirting with them. Normally I wouldn't care. We used to flirt with girls all the time. But this person is different. This is a no-no. He keeps crossing the line. I think they're starting to get flustered because of him. Do you think they like my friend more than me? What if they're only spending time with me to get closer to him? I'm very sad right now."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Bro.

I feel your pain. But relax. Take a deep breath.

Do not start writing your tragedy novel yet.

First, observe.

People get flustered for all kinds of reasons. Especially shy people.

Second, evaluate the evidence.

How do they react when your friend flirts?

More importantly... How do they react when you flirt?

Do they smile?

Do they reciprocate?

Do they actively seek out your attention?

Do they spend as much time with him as they do with you?

Do they look disappointed when you're unavailable?

Gather data. Become the detective of your own love life.

If most of those answers are no, then congratulations.

You're probably fine.

The fact that you can tell they enjoy spending time with you is already a positive sign.

Have a little faith.

And maybe talk to your friend too.

You said the two of you flirt around a lot.

There's a decent chance he thinks this is all a joke and has no idea he's accidentally causing you emotional damage.

Communication saves lives AND relationships.

𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Facing Consequences

"I think they're a little upset with me. My teasing may have gone too far this time. They refuse to answer my calls and have been ignoring my messages lately. I only wanted to help them relax after a difficult day, but I suppose I overdid it. Now they're angry. May I receive some advice on how to cheer up my highness?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Well. Congratulations.

You have successfully discovered the consequences of your own actions.

I assume you accidentally pressed every wrong button available because they sound very annoyed.

As someone who is currently angry at one of my own friends...

My advice is simple.

Apologize. Sincerely.

Not one of those:

"I'm sorry you got offended."

NO!

An actual apology.

Buy them their favorite snacks.

Maybe flowers if they're into that.

Invite them somewhere nice.

And let them know you genuinely regret upsetting them.

Based on your letter, it sounds like the two of you are usually pretty comfortable around each other.

You don't tease people this much unless you've gotten close.

Which means there's a good chance they'll forgive you eventually.

Provided you stop digging the hole deeper.

And for the love of everything holy...

Tone down the teasing.

𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

who would you go on a date with next?

✦ 𝙺𝚒𝚗𝙰 ✦

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Concerned Healthcare Professional

"I have experienced symptoms of my heart rate increasing whenever I am around this person, especially when they feed me food. Apparently, this is merely a normal physiological response, or so my doctor friend has informed me. Somehow, being around them has also reduced the symptoms of my illness lately. It may not be the same for them. Whenever I arrive at their dormitory to administer their monthly medication injection, the bed is always empty and I can never seem to find them anywhere. Are they afraid of me? I do possess a certain reputation among the students, at least according to what I have heard."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Bro. Are you asking for love advice or are you bragging?

Because from where I'm standing, this sounds suspiciously like bragging.

First of all, I assume this is some kind of doctor-patient or nurse-patient relationship.

Second of all... THEY FEED YOU?

YOU'RE WINNING. LET'S FREAKING GO.

My professional advice is to ask whether you can feed them back.

If they agree, that's a very good sign.

You already have a great opportunity to get closer to them.

I'm cheering for you, mannnnn.

Also, regarding the medication shots...

Have you ever considered that maybe they're not afraid of you?

Maybe they're afraid of the giant needle you're carrying around every month. Just a thought.

Be patient and gentle with them.

Not everybody enjoys being stabbed, medically or otherwise.

And this reputation you're talking about?

What kind of reputation could a healthcare worker possibly have?

What are people saying?

Another letter arrives the next day.

"I see. That is an interesting interpretation. I will take note of your advice and ask them out during our next checkup. Furthermore, patients should not miss their medication injections, according to their physician. You should also complete your prescribed injections."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Haha.

No.

I'm kidding. I take my medication perfectly. Kind of.

I'm not a coward, you know.

I can handle myself.

Thank you for the reminder, though.

*Proceeds to immediately ignore every future medical appointment*

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: A

"I have taken them camping and mountain climbing before. Unfortunately, they tripped and sprained their ankle. Ever since then, I have not taken them on another trip. Recently, however, they have been very persistent about wanting to go again. I am worried they may injure themselves. They have also been ignoring my texts and calls lately. One of my juniors informed me that this behavior means they are sulking. What should I do?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

DUDE!!!!

YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME HERE.

Do you realize what you're telling me?

This person wants to go on another trip with you.

Whether it's a date or not, that's still an opportunity.

A very large opportunity. A gigantic opportunity.

A neon sign saying "PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME."

WHY ARE YOU DECLINING?!

Pick up that damn phone. Call them.

Set up a freaking camping date immediately.

I guarantee they'll stop sulking.

Probably.

Then come back and give me updates.

Also, thank you for the candy you left in the box. It was really good.

It takes this guy three business days to respond.

Three. Entire. Business. Days.

"Sorry for the delayed reply. It was somewhat difficult to locate your box. I called and invited them out the following day. They declined. I believe they are still upset with me, according to my juniors. Also, apologies for the torn paper. I was writing this while feeding several cats. They began nibbling on the letter."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Difficult to find?

I literally put directions everywhere.

There are signs and stickers and arrows.

I even slapped stickers all over that giant campus map.

Someone must have taken them down.

Damn rival service. Trying to sabotage my business.

And hold on.

Did you just mention cats?

Cats come to you for treats? Multiple cats?

Does this happen regularly?

Are you some kind of cat distribution center? A mobile cat waypoint? A feline summoning beacon?

Do you realize most people absolutely adore animals?

Especially cats?

Use those cat treats as an excuse to ask them out again!

Invite them to feed the cats together.

Nobody can resist cats.

Maybe they'll stop sulking.

I'm rooting for you, my guy.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: ⠀˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

"~~~"

That is it. That is the entire letter.

Three little squiggles.

The moment you open the confession box, flowers immediately begin pouring out. Petals scatter everywhere.

Wildflowers spill onto the floor in every possible color.

The entire scene looks like something straight out of a shoujo manga.

Unfortunately, it is a very low budget shoujo manga.

So instead of looking romantic, it mostly looks like someone detonated a flower grenade inside your office.

You nearly choke on several petals.

Who is this person?

Why are they stuffing your box full of wildflowers?

Is this another rival business trying to destroy you through pollen exposure?

Regardless.

Business is business.

Since the sender apparently communicates through doodles and decorative plant life rather than actual words, you respond accordingly.

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

I am admittedly unsure what message you intended to convey through the gesture of depositing approximately one entire meadow into my confession box.

However, I do appreciate the effort.

That being said...

I think you should be giving these flowers to the person you actually like instead of me.

I'm only here to provide love advice.

You seem naturally talented at romance already.

Especially considering the flower crown you somehow managed to shove into my box.

My advice is simple.

Gather your courage. Make a bouquet. Ask them out somewhere nice.

Perhaps a picnic.

Maybe the two of you can make flower crowns together.

That sounds adorable.

Also, since you neglected to leave any payment behind...

I'm confiscating these flower petals as compensation.

Thank you for supporting my business (๑>◡<๑)

𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

who would you go on a date with next?

✦ 𝙺𝚒𝚗𝙰 ✦

Students can either:

Submit concerns and receive personalized advice.

Pour their hearts out to their crushes anonymously.

Publicly embarrass themselves in writing while paying you for the privilege.

Honestly, reading some of these gives you a toothache.

Half the people writing in seem less interested in advice and more interested in finding excuses to show off how in love they are.

But business is business.

𝑨𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒚𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝑩𝒐𝒙. 𝑨𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒚𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔.

The funny thing is that most people don't know that no matter how sneaky or secretive they think they are, you can always tell exactly who wrote each letter ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎♡ ༘

Whenever you pick up a letter, you can see the lovely aura surrounding it.

Don't worry, though. Your clients' secrets are always safe with you. Teehee.

ft. [REDACTED FOR PRIVACY REASONS] Part one - Part two - Part three

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Ugh. This guy again. Why does he keep threatening to shut down your business?

Anonymous Name: Concerned Regulatory Compliance Officer

"Based on my research regarding your service, there appears to be no documented guarantee concerning privacy protection, data retention policies or procedural safeguards. Therefore, I would like to request a direct meeting in order to discuss the operational structure of your business in greater detail."

A second letter from the exact same person arrives shortly afterward.

"Is it strategically advisable to pursue a romantic interest who is simultaneously a business associate? Please provide a comprehensive list of advantages and disadvantages supported by empirical evidence, statistical analysis, and quantifiable data. Advantages: They smiled at me today. Disadvantages: The smile was not directed exclusively at me. I am experiencing what I believe to be jealousy. Is this reaction considered normal?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Bro! Stop sending regulatory threats to my confession box.

I'm literally just running a small business.

Are you some kind of rival service?

Because that is extremely uncool.

That's unfair competition and I will sue you if you threaten me again.

I have a lawyer friend who charges 5,000 per hour, and trust me, he is not nice.

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

But I'm still a professional, so I'll answer your question.

It depends on the nature of your business relationship.

Personally, I would never date a coworker. That sounds like a Human Resources incident waiting to happen.

And yes, what you're experiencing is completely normal. Jealousy tends to happen when you like someone, especially when they are friendly with other people.

My advice is to spend more time with this person and observe how they view you.

Do they see you as a business associate? A friend? Or something more?

Currently, the available data set is insufficient for further analysis.

Please submit additional evidence.

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Definitely Not Overthinking This

"This is stupid. Why am I even writing this? Maybe you won't even read mine anyway. I heard you have a lot of clients. Is it considered a good sign if they accept my invitations to watch movies and play co-op games together? I see them hanging out with other people too, so maybe it doesn't actually mean anything."

The next letter arrives looking like it lost a fight against itself.

Crossed-out sentences. Half-finished thoughts. Words scribbled over each other. The paper is practically screaming.

You assume he was panicking when he shoved it into the box.

"I don't know how this works. I just... And I thought maybe th Wait, no. That's stupid. This is stupid. Never mind. Actually, can I request a refund? Do you do refunds?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Dude.

The important part is not whether they accepted. Anybody can accept an invitation.

What matters is whether they enjoy spending time with you.

Ask them out more often. The fact that they already accept your invitations is a positive sign.

Maybe make the next outing a little more romantic.

Pick a romance movie.

Watch their reactions.

Gather evidence.

Conduct research.

Become the scientist your feelings deserve.

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Also, I do not provide refunds unless you actually follow my advice and fail.

Stop being a coward. Ask them out again. Come back with updates.

Then we'll discuss compensation.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Third Wheel Victim Association

"Is there a way to stop them from constantly inviting one of our mutual friends whenever we hang out? I keep trying to arrange plans with just the two of us, but somehow my friend always ends up coming along. And he always manages to draw their attention away from me. I love my friend, but this is becoming increasingly frustrating. What if he manages to win them over before I can?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Wow. Jealousy is such an ugly color.

Anyway.

I think you should talk to your friend.

Based on your letter, he sounds completely unaware of your feelings.

If he knew, he might actually help create opportunities for the two of you to spend time alone. Friends can be surprisingly supportive.

Now, regarding your crush...

Have you ever considered the possibility that they might actually like your friend?

Anonymous:

!!!!!! NO !!!!!

𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Brutally Honest Customer

"Despite operating a love advice service, you are remarkably dense and unintelligent when it comes to romance yourself."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

EXCUSE ME?!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO INSULT ME AND MY BUSINESS LIKE THAT?

IF PHYSICALLY BLOCKING CLIENTS WERE LEGAL, YOU WOULD ALREADY BE GONE.

Take your money back.

I refuse to be paid for emotional harassment. Go away.

𝐅𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐡 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: In Emotional Distress

"Never thought the day would come when I would need this service. No offense. I'm just stuck. They seem nice to me. Whenever I ask them to try my special dishes as an excuse to spend time together, they always agree. But I think they only like my food, not me. I wonder what they think of me. If I'm being honest, they even seem closer to my best friend."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Hold on.

You can cook?

That's a massive advantage.

Do you realize how many people would willingly fall in love for homemade food alone?

Don't give up. Have some faith in yourself. Keep inviting them out.

The fastest route to someone's heart is through their stomach. That's science. Probably.

I'm cheering for you from the sidelines.

After answering every letter and dispensing your professional wisdom, you finally went to bed.

The next morning, you woke up to your phone vibrating nonstop.

Notifications. Messages. Date invitations. More date invitations. And even more date invitations.

From several very familiar ghouls.

Oops.

You completely forgot something.

Your ability allows you to see everyone else's love aura. It does not allow you to see your own. And people who share mutual feelings possess the same aura.

𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

... Wait.

Did you just spend an entire afternoon teaching these idiots how to successfully court you?

Well. That certainly explains the sudden increase in customer satisfaction.

✦ 𝙺𝚒𝚗𝙰 ✦

𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭