Mike Driver
YOU ARE THE REASON
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@boneybabbie
haven't felt the need to outlet on this for ages but i weighed my self for the first time in over a year and i didn't expect to be be thrown back into the euphoric feeling of weighing my less than you expect. I have a bad feeling about this because it just and eve feel so good that weighed so little maybe some of the lowest i've ever weighed which is why my mind was automatically thrown back into this toxic mindset. I'm trying not to let it take advantage of my life again.
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i'm struggling atm
i'm finding it hard to find purpose or joy in things i do
when i do feel happy i realise and then i start to think why am i feeling this and then suddenly my minds in turmoil saying you shouldn't be happy
i'm not sure what keeps plaguing my mind
well i do but it's just uncomfortable that it's is the thing plaguing my mind when all i really want to do is forget about my ex
i didn't even like them
maybe that's what it is . guilt
guilt from saying things that i didn't mean and leading things in when i saw how infatuated the person was with me
but that infatuation also made me severely uncomfortable to the point where i was a completely different person.
i had created a completely new version of myself and kept my real self hidden away from my ex.
but it didn't work i ended up getting bored? no not really bored but just tired of bearing with the uncomfortable feeling that being with this person brought me.
so when i keep just randomly thinking of this person it really does just bring a grotesque feeling up in myself maybe because what i did was not good or maybe it's because i feel violated by this person for making me create this whole new personality or maybe it's just that they keep coming up in my mind even tho i'm certain that their existence to me is so minuscule and irrelevant that it's pissing me off? they haunt me and not in a nostalgic normal old relationship way. i don't even see myself as ever in a real relationship with them because to me we were never, despite the labels we had.
It just felt like something i would try to maybe feel something but no i ended up with the same uncomfortable feeling maybe because i was trying to force myself into something which i didn't want at all.
i need to stop doing things to please others and do things for myself more.
right so turns out my work colleague has a thing for me but has made it clear that he doesn't want to make things weird at work so can never act on it and i made it clear that i have a boyfriend (who isnt actually my boyfriend but might as well be). and it's funny because when i started work i had a little crush on him i thought he was so cool and is just my kind of person and all but i just thought that he didn't think anything of me because well idk he's 9 YEARS OLDER ( i'm 18 he's 27)!!!! so he had the audacity to tell me it was obvious because " i don't bully anyone else at work except you" like yeah i'd think that if he was my age but i just thought it was a case of bully the youngest!!!??? how oblivious can i get bro?! BUT to summarise all in all everything is good and not awkward at work which i was worried about because we get on really well and he's a saving grace at work :) just had to get that little story time out.
officially the fattest sibling,
not okay bro 👊😔
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i had a dream and this was said in it and it's sticking in my mind like what does this even mean??
person A: "no one here wants me to die"
person B: "yeah but there's someone up there who wouldn't want you to survive twice"
basically in the dream from what i remember i was person b and i had travelled back in time where i decided to mess up person A's life because they were selfish and manipulative in the first play through. I pretend to help them and sabotage everything they did and it was their wedding day or something and that's when this line came up.
feel free to leave interpretations or thoughts
but what if we just... ??
man was taken too soon 🥲🥲
art not mine credits to artist
whenever my bestfriend does anything even when i just see her i fee this inner dread and disgust that i think stems from jealously. idk something about her doesn't sit right with me anymore and it's kinda sad. we probably aren't even considered very good friends anymore when i think about it
i'm so tired of everything
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just realise how bad a person i am:
when my little sister didn't finish her dinner my immediate thought process is to make her finish.
Like that does t sound like a bad thing but it's not even out of worry for her well-being it's out of worry that she'll be skinnier than me and i can't have that for some reason.
I always find myself looking to see if she's thinner than me and she is and it's not sitting with me right.
My minds like : No you have to be the skinniest, you're invalid if otherwise, make sure she doesn't get skinnier.
why am i so fucked
i've gained so much weight in the lockdown that i don't fit into most of my clothes properly so now i can't wear them because i don't look good anymore. It's gotten to the point that i'm wearing the same baggy joggers, jeans and hoodies to school because i can't bear to wear my proper clothes as just the thought of someone looking at me and noticing i've gained weight is terrifying. Even when i try and put an o it fit together i just think im gross and just looking in the mirror is hard now.
my 1 year ago today on sc is when i was at my lowest weight and i looked so good and now i can't even look at myself in the mirror or wear any clothes without panicking that i look fat and gross
how come no one talks about those days where your mental health just crashes down randomly and you start feeling ashamed of yourself because you were doing so good and now you feel like a complete failure because you can’t figure out where you went wrong.
this really hit the nail on the mark for me the past fey days
Me tryna express my feelings:
I feel like….but like….it’s like….so like….idk like….it’s like….not like….but like….ok
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hadn't seen my dad in a while and first thing he says to me is that i look different and when i say how he puffs out his cheeks... damn that shit kinda hurted tho
back to school means i'm cutting down on boredom eating it's great
