I am a Monster of my own Design

She pauses, looks down because it’s simpler than meeting the question head on. The truth is that she knows the answer the minute she’s asked, but somehow saying it out loud is so much harder. She swallows, biding her time and dragging out the inevitable. 

“One thing I’ve learned is that ambitions feel hollow without someone to share them with. Choosing my career over Riley might feel noble, like it’s the honourable, proper thing to do. But it would quickly feel like a mistake... probably the biggest mistake of my life.” 

A pause. An admission of just how much she’s changed. He’s never once pushed, but the love she feels has left a lasting imprint on her life, one that’s changed her perspective for the better. She’s thankful. 

“I used to dream of absolutely nothing more than making it into the SAS. Getting into the Paras was the dream for a long time, but when I got there... it was like this drug? I wanted to keep on moving up, keep on challenging myself. I wanted to know just exactly what my limits were. 

The SAS was the pinnacle of all that. I had no idea how I was going to get there, only that I desperately wanted to. 

The sun is only beginning its journey into the sky, throwing out bright orange rays across the canyon that forms a backdrop to her property. 

The sight always makes her heart swell, the dusty plains her ancestral home. She’s lived on this ranch her entire life, was taught to tend and herd cattle as soon as she was old enough to sit in a saddle. Her home is generations old, carved with memories of those who came before her, the wood beams themselves etched with familiarity. Since they day her father died and left the ranch in her keeping, she’s been fighting. Fighting to protect her land from bandits, from horse thieves and even from the Mayor who seems so desperate to call her land his own.

She’d rather die than give it up. 

She lives here alone for the most part, aside from her childhood friend Andy, a soldier injured in duty who now works the farm and is an extra pair of hands around a rifle when it’s needed. In truth, Lara doesn’t want to contemplate life on the ranch without him, her heart never truly cut out to be alone. She’s not the solitary type, has never truly been one to live in complete isolation, however at odds that might be with her chosen occupation and lifestyle. 

She’s a contradiction, but she refuses to change, even in the face of a world that seems unable to truly accept her. Perhaps that’s why she finds so much solace in the arms of an outlaw, condemned by society and by her friends. A man Andy has threatened so many times to report to the sheriff, and yet never does out of his love for her. 

Today she’s setting out to ride the perimeter of her property, to test the fences and count her herd. It’s farm hand work, but in reality Lara needs the distraction, her body feeling heavy within the saddle of her horse. She doesn’t sleep well, never has for as long as she can remember. Her dreams are always nightmares, plagued with flashing memories that don’t make sense. There are always faces of people she doesn’t remember come morning, nonsensical words thrown at her in anger. There’s often violence, pain, sometimes even torture. Sometimes she sees the people she cares for die, helpless and grounded to the spot whilst the phantom faces loom over them. 

The dreams almost always end in her own death. The images are always so real in her minds eye, often places around her home and property. Sometimes it’s a quick gunshot by the perimeter fence, sending the world hurtling into black and her mind back into consciousness. Other times it’s a sharp stab to her gut, a tormenting shrill laugh as she slips on her own blood, crawling helplessly across the bare floorboards of her sitting room. 

The dreams always feel hauntingly real... until they’re not. Somehow, in the light of day the phantom fade and she can forget. Until the night comes and the ghosts return. 

She hasn’t got far until she sees him, riding onto her land like he owns it. It’s the confidence and swagger of a man who knows that he’s wanted, even when she sees Andy unceremoniously greet him at the fence. Unable to stop a smile spreading across her features, Lara spurs her horse into action, riding out to meet him and not entirely caring if she seems eager. It’s been months, too long even by their standards. She isn’t afraid to show him that she’s missed him, if only a little. 

It’s the smirk that gets her, followed by the deep, husky voice that has been her undoing so many times before. She pulls her horse to a stop, the animal letting out a soft huff in what could almost sound like disapproval. In the background Lara can see Andy shaking his head and returning to work, but she ignores him, instead pushing an easy smile across her features. 

[Hi Nonny, 

Thanks very much for sending me a MW sentence starter! Unfortunately this is a RP thread blog and I use the starters to start threads with characters, but I can’t really do that with it being an ask on anon.

Ask my muse anything!

“Yes. What’s your point? 

Y’know, I’ve played by the rules my entire life. I was a straight A student in school and college, I got a first class degree at University and went on to become a commissioned officer straight out of Sandhurst. From then on, I was a bloody picture perfect career soldier who followed orders, respected the chain of command and gave everything to her job. Genuinely everything. I missed my brother’s wedding for the job, my niece’s first birthday. Hell, my fiance left me because the Her Majesty’s Armed Forces had become my life. 

 The 141 should be no different. Fraternisation is still wrong at this level, hell maybe with stakes this high it is even worse than before. The chain of command is still integral to who we are and sleeping with my superior officer is an offence that would likely see us both discredited professionally. 

I know all of that. I’ve spent too many nights agonising over my choices, punishing myself for stumbling over so large a hurdle. I’ve tortured myself over my decision to cross that line with him, because even if at the time I didn’t think that I would ever... fall for Riley, I should have still appreciated that a physical relationship would change our professional dynamic forever. 

But now that I’m here, now that I love him... That isn’t something I can give up for this job. I sacrificed everything for the military, my family, my personal life, my best friend. I’ve given every inch of myself to the 141, to a point where I’m pretty sure that with the risks that I take, this job will kill me someday. And I’m prepared to give all of that with no complaints. But Riley? I can’t give that man up. I won’t. 

I nearly lost him once and it felt like I’d lost a part of myself. Sometimes he’s the one person who makes me feel human, who keeps me grounded. He’s the man I can turn to when it’s all too much, my safe space when I feel like this soldiering is tearing me apart. He’s my weakness, yes, but he’s also my strength. I’m not sure if I could do half of what I do these days without him. 

“Owing your life to your medical officer is just an occupational hazard.” Lara smiles, looking up from the bandages that she has just finished securing to Cobra’s body. She reaches for her notebook and jots down a quick note for her records. 

“Because the chain of command exists for a reason, mate.” She hesitates, her hands fidgeting in her lap in an attempt to gesticulate what she can’t say.