sad

thats all i ask of you

For example, they will call you names, dismiss your feelings and struggles, humiliate and socially isolate you, but they never hit you or starve you so they must be fine. Or, they will overwork you, give you minimal survival resources, call you a burden, neglect you and act like they don’t want to be your parents, but they leave you be when you’re sick and they don’t kick you out so they must be fine. Or, they pick just one thing they support you on and dismiss everything else but keep reminding you of that one thing and accuse you of being ungrateful so it’s fine. Or they will push you, slap you, pull your hair, claim you can take it, but they never seriously injure you or leave visible bruises so it must be fine. Maybe they’ll be cruel and hateful throw tantrums at you but then buy you big presents and give you fancy living space so you have to be okay with it. Maybe they constantly find someone who is worse than them and keep reminding you they could be like that, and you should be grateful they’re not.

It’s all abuse. It’s all a strain on a human being to constantly have to struggle to accept that people who are supposed to love you would do these horrible things, and you just have to accept that abuse is a form of love. For you, it’s a constant awareness of how much worse off you could be, how you have to be grateful that abuse didn’t devour every single part of your life. But it already did. Everything they do to pretend to be good to you is only extension of abuse. If you have to be grateful for living space, presents, being left alone when sick, being grateful you’re not beaten up worse, being in fear of being abused worse - that already is living in abuse, it already means you don’t get to feel worthy of love, of safety, of care. You’re already dismissed as less than important, as someone who can be pushed around and be lashed out on, your own parents don’t think you deserve happiness and care in your family.

There’s a reason these abusers always look for someone worse to compare with, because if they compared your life to a life of someone with good parents, it would automatically be clear you’re being abused. They usually dismiss all better parents with “spoiling the kid” to make it seem like they’re doing you a favour by abusing you. You’re not allowed to compare yourself to anyone happy and cared for, only to people being starved and tortured and mutilated. Would you ever expect from someone you care about to compare themselves to that, so what you did to them would look good?

If you do this to your child, you’re nothing but a monster. Seeing another human being suffer so badly because of you, and willing to hurt them even worse rather than to feel guilty and ashamed of your crimes, makes you inhumane and disgusting. If you can be this cruel and feel you should suffer no consequences, because in your sick mind you decided another small human’s suffering doesn’t count, because you decided you could dismiss and ignore that horrible amount of pain you caused to a human heart, you should be discarded and thrown into garbage. Because that human you hurt, their pain is real, and they could have had such a good life without you in it.

If your child is used to being called stupid, worthless, burden, or any kind of slur by you, you’re an abuser.

If your child knows every single way you’d like to hurt them and flinches away when you walk thru the door, you’re an abuser.

If your child knows their every vulnerability would be used as a weapon against them in your mind, you’re an abuser.

If your child was made to feel guilty and ashamed for the pain they’re being put thru, if they were told by your mouth they deserved it, you’re an abuser.

If your child heard you telling them to hurt themselves, or had you do nothing as they were hurting their own self, you’re an abuser.

If your child has to look elsewhere for the slightest bit of acknowledgment, attention and kindness, you’re an abuser.

If your child frets that other people would treat them so cruelly as you do, you’re an abuser.

If your child is afraid that other people will think of them as lowly as you do, you’re an abuser.

If your child had to beg for a necessity from you, you’re an abuser.

If your child was forced to offer labour, services or go thru strain and fear to gain basic necessities from you, you’re an abuser.

If your child had to fight to deserve to be part of your family, or to have you even acknowledge them, you’re an abuser.

If your child had no safety, support, security or love in your home, you’re an abuser.

If your child lived in fear of being kicked out, humiliated and abandoned by you, you’re an abuser.

If all you taught your child was how it feels to be hated, you’re an abuser.

If you refuse to acknowledge even for a second that you put your child thru all that suffering and fear, and still try to paint yourself as a benefactor in your child’s life, you’re an abuser and a liar.

i wonder why my life is in shambles that's weird

i'm going to redesign my room and paint a portrait and binge watch six shows and dye my hair and start a makeup brand and write a novel and read poetry and clean my whole house and

i Can't Get Out Of Bed

uh oh sisters! *showers with the lights off*

cries in the car and almost crashes accidentally

tv static noises

*wakes up* [redacted] *goes to sleep*

i haven't slept in 72 hours and i'm talking a lot about ophelia and reciting hamlet's soliloquies and everyone around me is worried

trying to sleep but there's Something In My Room

*texts abuser(s)* oh this is a fantastic idea

i'm horny and angry about it

i'm horny and sad about it

masturbates and then cries

If You Touch Me I Will Kill You

*thinks about trauma* oh that sucks for whoever that was

oh, wait, that actually happened?????

Shame

i'm going to starve myself until i'm so small no one will want me

i'm going to overeat until i'm so big no one will want me

*throws up for unknown reason*

talk about trauma, but make it funny

I CAN'T DO SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE AND INSTEAD OF WORKING THROUGH IT I'M GONNA YELL AND HURT MYSELF UNTIL I GET TIRED

i have forgotten every single coping skill i've ever learned

hnnnnnnng

*listens to music from That Time and gets weirdly nostalgic*

i Want To Be Abused

i will never love again! ever!