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New Interview With Me!
Jim Harrington over at “Six Questions For…” has kindly posted an interview with me on his blog. It’s an interview about editing Peeking Cat Poetry Magazine and The Creative Truth, including how the magazines got started and what I look for in submissions.
Here it is:
http://sixquestionsfor.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/six-questions-for-sam-samantha-rose.html
Enjoy! :)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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So many poems I have written; why have none ever written back?
I managed to talk to my partner tonight. The words wouldn't come out at first, but it turned out well when they eventually did. He always knows the right things to say. He just gets me.
I got a couple of lovely supportive messages after my last post as well, and I'm so grateful, because I really needed to hear what people said - writing poems is all well and good, but I need. If you are reading, thank you so very much just for even listening, and for those who replied, thank you for taking the time out of your day to do that. Namaste.
I'm just so confused. I don't want to tell my friends and family how I feel in case they judge me for not being over it yet. And I judge myself because of that, because i must have really changed me if I've started caring about what other people think about me. Because that isn't me.
I'm so worried about people getting sick of me talking about this that I nearly didn't post this on Tumblr.
Yesterday on my other Tumblr account I said that I needed someone to tell me that no, I shouldn't just be over it by now. I still really need to hear that. I tried asking my partner earlier but the words wouldn't come out. I don't want my family to know that I sometimes find things difficult. Or my friends, and how the hell do you start that conversation anyway? So it's like, why don't I want people to know I find it difficult? Maybe I don't want people to get sick of me talking about it. Fat chance of that happening right now. Or do I just care about being perceived as a strong person? How very macho. Who the hell knows.
Fuck that though, man. I mean, seriously. Yes, it is fucking hard. It was hard going into A&E, it was hard having my first operation and going into theatre that first time, it was hard having a colonoscopy (which hurt like a motherfucker), it was hard having to see the consultant and having to find out I had to have my entire bowel removed and a stoma created because one of the many polyps I had contained cancerous cells, it was hard actually having the operation and barely even being able to walk properly for ages, it was hard later on having the stoma reversed and wondering if I'd made a terrible decision, it was hard getting used to the pouch, and it was hard seeing the geneticist and eventually finding out it's all hereditary and comes with more risks for the future - which makes it hard every time I go to the consultant or to have a CT scan or other tests. So yes, it's hard as fuck, and most of the time everything is just fine, but sometimes, just sometimes, I have my down days, because of a trigger in everyday life, because of an appointment I've had or have coming up, or just because of my stupid fucking brain. I think I should stop beating myself up about finding it hard. But funnily enough, that's hard too.
You’ll pry my Oxford comma from my cold, dead, and lifeless hands.
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Tired as fuck today, man.
Like, can't catch my breath, chest feels all fluttery and weird. Wondering if anyone has ever had enough bad luck to have had cancer and then after that found out they had some kind of heart problem as well. That's just my mind right now, my brain is conjuring up stupid shit. I'm sure it's just stress making me tired and stuff, nothing more.
My friend at work asked me if I was okay today, a couple of times actually, and I said yeah, but I really just wanted to tell him everything that's happened, why I had to go to the hospital yesterday, and how I feel about it sometimes... but how do you say all of that, you know, just in everyday conversation? How do you just kinda dump that on a person? Everyone has their shit to deal with, I should probably just keep mine to myself. I just would like to tell him and maybe one or two others because I want them to know me better. And this is such a big part of me now. Maybe I make it that way. Maybe it could be smaller if I tried. Maybe I just want to tell people because I'm attention seeking. Not on purpose, it's just...
I have no idea what my problem is, I really don't. Should this even still be an issue now? I started writing a poem about it (another one), but decided it was probably a better idea to sit and watch tv and chill out. Here's the first couple of lines I did write, though:
Imagining things that aren’t happening is better than try to imagine that those things aren’t happening when they really are.
I will add to it at some point. But I'll shut up about it for now. Aside from that I had a nice day at work today, relatively busy but sort of chilled, listening to the radio and having a giggle. My colleagues are lovely. :3
Brain Space
I think I’ve finally figured it out: I have a capacity problem. When something’s all I can think about it’s taking up too much brain space and there’s no room left for that place in my head that tells me to breathe I need a bigger hard drive to keep myself staying alive. That’s why when I’m trying to work I just sigh because I’m huffing and puffing and trying to breathe, just trying to catch my breath. At least it’s not fear this time, fear is the worst, that’s when it most hurts but now it’s just nothing, nothing thoughts, pointless thoughts, blank thinking while somehow still thinking about it, that thing that takes up so much brain space and leaves no room to breathe, no room for doing other things like not thinking of it, scarier than anything Stephen king could concoct, not something lurking in the drains, but a big black cloud in the middle of my head that gets bigger and bigger the more it’s fed, its fog spewing into every crevice, what a mess - what a mess this brain space is.
I think it’s harder to be nice and accepting of yourself than it is to be to others.
Call For Submissions
Peeking Cat Poetry Magazine is looking for submissions to the fourth issue! We’ve been getting some great cat-related poems in, so if you’ve written a rhyme about a furry feline (or anything else you think we might like) email it to [email protected]
Submission guidelines:
http://peekingcatpoetrymagazine.blogspot.co.uk/p/submissions.html
Anyone else find it weird when people refer to stuff that happens face to face/in person as "real life", as if what happens on the internet isn't real life and never actually happens at all? Like the support isn't real, those important conversations don't really happen, like we've never really spoken to or connected with people on the other side of the planet? This is connecting. This is real life.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Thirty Seconds To Mars | Stranger In A Strange Land (3D Audio)
+ close your eyes. + wear headphones. + download link → x
1. Find three hobbies you love: one to make you money, one to keep you in shape, and one to be creative.
2. Getting a degree matters, but getting the right degree matters even more.
3. Leave every job you have on good terms. Do not burn your bridges.
4. See the world while you still don’t have a ton of responsibilities.
5. Don’t live on the Internet. Go out and experience real life.
6. Don’t give up what you want most for what you want now.
7. Read. A lot.
8. Dress to impress.
9. Never pinch pennies on brakes or tires.
10. Never stop learning
11. Marry someone you consider your best friend.
12. All adventures in life start by just showing up.
13. Drama is never worth putting up with.
14. Value experiences over possessions.
15. Drive slow in bad weather.
16. Money comes and goes. Time just goes.
17. Don’t judge yourself on your intentions but your actions.
18. Always make new mistakes.
19. Don’t rely on other people to make you happy.
20. Bite less; chew more.
You’re welcome.
This is my text message notification tone. <3
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Nightmares
I remember feeling January approach
and wishing for a year so unlike the last,
a year to conquer all years,
a year to make up for everything.
But that put the world under too much
pressure; that was too much for it to
live up to.
I think I have nightmares because
my brain wants to prove to me that there really are
some things that are worse than my reality.
Written on Friday 25th July, 2014 at 23:16
I haven't written anything in a really, really long time. It's not my best, but it's something, and that's a good enough start for now.
What Makes Me
What has made me
view this body as a foreign expanse
an inescapable desert I’m so
desperate to run from
What makes me
constantly seek disapproval
consistently climb pavements,
searching for sunshards
- a bit of bright danger
sparkling distraction
for an undetermined time
In our old house when a car came down the street
we would see its headlights shine across the window.
Now we don’t see anything coming.
This all makes up me.
Written on Monday 21st July 2014 at 23:23
