Boiled Chicken With Rice

What could I have done

To make you love me

Want to be with me

Care how I feel.

I keep asking you,

I am no longer going to overcompensate by being the one to initiate companionship, intimacy, or shared joy--when you don't care to unless you're feeling bad. I will no longer lie to myself that I just need to build more positive moments for you in ordee for you to cherish me. You'll use me for happiness when you're alone or bored, but it won't make you more interested in me, and it won't make you want to spend any labor on helping me when I'm struggling. I will no longer tell myself it's okay if you don't help me; you're just tired, or that you contribute in other ways, ir need more praise for when you do actually do something. I will no longer tell myself you feel sorry and will try harder next time; you will always revert back your old ways. I will no longer waste myself on hoping.

I used to be heartbroken that you were mostly just frustrated and annoyed with me for being sad; seeing my cry didn't make you want to wipe my tears or comfort me; it didn't make you want to prevent me from ever crying again; you were simply exasperated and irrittated. Instead of worrying about whether or not you cared about me, I should have cared aboit me. I should have allowed myself to feel sad, and given myself space and time for that. I didn't do it then, but I'll do it now. I used to focus on trying to reward you for effort--so you would keep on trying. Now, I'll focus on what the outcome of my effort was. With you, that outcome was: zero. No change. No matter how much you complain that I didn't notice your effort, I get to focus on the fact that I didn't feel any meaningful change.

Today, you asked to cuddle me. You never do. You only asked cuz I was upset and you wanted to smooth things over. I hate when gestures of affection don't come from affection. I did not indulge you.

So you asked to talk. You wanted to make me feel better so you could feel less guilty. I made ir clear I was disappointed and would stay that way. I did not indulge you.

I will no longer indulge you.

I got nothing for focusing on you.

Tswv teb tswv chaw

Tswv luaj tswv av

Tswv npaj tswv moos

Thwv looj thwv siv

Zaj txwg zaj laug

Hnub no

Kuv/wb/peb tuaj txog

Nej thaj nej chaw.

Kuv/wb/peb tuaj no

Kuv/wb/peb tuaj dawb tuaj huv.

Kuv/wb/peb nco ntsoov xub hu nej

Los nrog peb noj .

Thov pob fwm pov yawm

Kom peb rov mus txog tsev.

Ntis teeb meem,

Ntis kwv phom sij.

Ntis xais ntis lus,

Ntis plaub ntsi ntug.

Ntis kev sib cav sib ceg,

Ntis kev sib ntaus sib tuav.

Ntis nab, ntis qav,

Ntis (pob) zev, ntsis cav.

Ntsis khawv yeej khawv yus,

Ntis kws txaij kws nraus.

Txhawb peb dag peb zog,

Txhawb peb koob peb hmoo.

Kom hmab txhob nrawm tes

Kom hlua txhob nrawm taw.

Cua tshuab los tsis pub qaij

Back to a much simpler time

When the world seemed a much safer place

For I knew not the dangers I would face

A time when wounds that had long bled

Kuv tau ceeb tau ntshai

Plig txhob pw ntawm no

Caw no tsis yog caw nyob, tsis yog caw pw

Caw no yog caw tsw quav, yog tsw zis

Nag los nag ntub

Tshav tuaj tshav kuv

Neeg thaug neeg tsuj

Sawv los nyob ntawm khoj khom nruav khoj khom cev

Mov los tau noj, dej los tau haus

Me in my head: Well actually, the deadline for several of my tasks was 1-2 months ago, but everyone here is just so chronically overworked that being this behind looks like stunning performance to you, but yes, absolutely I will do backup because everyone here knows just how much we get punished for not having perfect lives and healthy bodies, so we all gotta help each other stay afloat.