either one and that makes me feel resigned, Of Course i have to follow what makes me comfortable. i can’t stand feeling this ‘ambiguous’ though, even my sexuality has sort of become that. identifying as a lesbian was my escape, it was part of the best decision i have ever made & realizing that im maybe not that? i don’t feel like i have a place to go. ive only realized in the last 6months or so how important ppl & connection are to me, cultivate it as prt of my life blood. to be nonbinary and man i don’t know, bi? is it bad to not want to be bi? i hate the term pan too, the nature of it doesn’t have a label in my mind so i don’t feel like i can name it rn. am i like, sentenced to a lifetime of just telling ppl im just gay or queer, i don’t want to do that either. i want a family and i feel like that would be harder to find now, & it may seem idk silly to think that but i don’t feel silly for thinking that way. i want to feel like kinship with people i want to have similar life experiences that other people have with their identities idk if that even makes sense. like, i wish i was a guy & that i could have the satisfaction of getting t shots & not having to wear binders anymore when u get top surgery & passing & growing facial hair. but im not that, & even if part of me wishes it were a decision i could make, i just know its not one that comfortably fits w my identity. im not a cis girl either, ive thought that maybe im just divorced / word or two to someone and theyll know what I’m talking about. i dont want to explain. ‘simplicity that means a lot’ means a lot to me. i feel like i don’t have that rn like i did when i still thought i was a lesbian and maybe nonbinary. im feeling lost. do u know of any good things that talk about nonbinary-ness where it doesn’t feel token/forced. like someone who understands. i know ‘everyone has their own definition of what it means to be nonbinary’ but i just need an anchor now

hey! first of all, I think it’s completely normal that you’re feeling frustrated and confused. there is definitely a feeling of comfort and security that comes with having words to put to your experience and being able to connect with other people based on the shared experience of being, say, a lesbian or a gay man or bi, and it’s very frustrating and isolating when you feel like you can no longer claim that shared experience.

it seems like you already know this but I just want to reiterate for you that you literally don’t have a word for what you are, again I know it’s kind of isolating to not be able to share the common experience of being a thing you can put a word to, but you also don’t have an obligation to say “i’m a lesbian” or “i’m a trans man” and then do the things that you think you need to do to be that thing. likewise, what’s amazing about these labels is that they’re very expansive! you are allowed to be trans without going on hormones or getting surgery, and you’re allowed to go on hormones and get surgery and still identify as a woman or as nonbinary or as a nonbinary woman. all of that is allowed!

it’s also very possible to share common experiences with other lgbtq people even if the labels they identify with aren’t the same as the ones you do—in fact it’s impossible not to. just because you no longer identify as a lesbian doesn’t mean you don’t have common experiences with lesbians, and just because you’re not interested in medically transitioning necessarily doesn’t mean you don’t have common experiences with trans people. every single lgbtq person has a different life experience because every human being has a different life experience, and connection and solidarity are both about respecting those differences while also taking pleasure in feeling less alone by noticing the similarities between your experiences.

I think I understand what you mean abt not wanting to identify as bi because definitely for me I chafe again the fact that it’s a term that feels less like it has of a cultural and historical lineage than identifying as gay. I think what’s important to remember is that (a) there have been lots of bi people who have described themselves as gay, and bi experience is a part of gay culture and history (as is transness), and (b) conversely, within terms like gay and lesbian there have been a vast array of different people with very different experiences, and the fact that two people both identify as gay doesn’t necessarily mean they have anything more in common than that word. the isolation that comes from feeling like your experience is yours alone is just part of the human condition! and the solution isn’t to try to make yourself more like other people, it’s to talk with them and appreciate the commonalities in your experiences as well as the differences

re: things that talk about nonbinary experience, here are some recs (the ones that aren’t online you can probably find at ur local library or if not I recommend requesting an interlibrary loan), also everybody please feel free 2 comment w ur own recs

obviously you should read stone butch blues

and orlando by virginia woolf, the movie is also good

variations on the right to remain silent by anne carson

paul takes the form of a mortal girl by andrea lawlor

not everybody likes middlesex by jeffrey eugenides but I think it’s good

not everybody likes the movie hedwig and the angry inch (2001) but I think it’s good

the timtum zine

gender outlaws by kate bornstein

the nearest exit may be behind you by s. bear bergman

nevada by imogne binnie (not abt a nonbinary person, but it is about a trans girl who is kind of just chilling wrt identity which is very refreshing)

the one from the vaults podcast by morgan m page!!!

the play galatea by mj kaufman is great, I have it on my google drive and can email it to you if you message me your email