but you're just my type

JAIME: i don't know, you give me a run for my money

JAIME: though i'm not sure i'd make a convincing straight girl

JAIME: i work until four

JAIME: so anytime after that is fine

BODHI: how dare you say such a thing, i'm entirely hetero

BODHI: i don't think you'd suit dick.

BODHI: right well i'll drop by after then on my way back from the spa

[read]

[typing]

JAIME: haha no chance

JAIME: you and i both know i'm possibly too gay to function

JAIME: okay, i'm still...well.

JAIME: you know where i am.

BODHI: you are. i thought I was the gayest one but nooooo

BODHI: i do i do....when is a good time for you...

UNSENT: hi

UNSENT: hey it's jaime

UNSENT: hey bodhi it's jaime

UNSENT: i was clearing out my closet and i found

UNSENT: so i found

UNSENT: funny story, i

[ typing, retyping ]

JAIME: hey. i found a couple of your things in my closet.

[a beat]

JAIME: i can just leave them outside your place

BODHI: hey now, we've spoken about going back in to the closet...

LILLY: not 2 b gross but

LILLY: i'm deadass about 5 seconds away from proposing to a stranger

LILLY: bc i just saw a proposal in a restaurant AND THEY GOT FREE CAKE !! DID YOU EVER HEAR SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL !!

LILLY: I WANT CAKE

BODHI: stop what you're thinking. right now. RIGHT NOW.

neon lights illuminate the dim surroundings ; the faint beat of some disco song she probably heard in saturday night fever pulsing in the background. it’s an unlikely escapade, but something to occupy her evening and fidgety fingers. “so, what do you say?” she spins on her heels, the slight pump and rock of her hips adjusting to the muffled rhythm standing outside of roller jam — yet, expression still straight. “am i gonna get a laugh outta watching you bust your ass at skating?”

Maddie: Tigers don't lose sleep over lost sheep

Maddie: It's the only quote I live by

Bodhi: When would tigers even be able to chase sheep?

REMI: not everyone pretends, but basically yeah. the salem witch trials were crazy.

REMI: that would be giles corey.

REMI: have you seen the movie or read up on the play, or maybe saw it on broadway or something?

BODHI: i think i've heard my dad mention the salem witch trials once.

BODHI: giles was a badass. i respect giles.

There wasn’t a lot for Topher to do in this situation. His shirt was currently stuck on the hinge of a door and the door was refusing to open. “Hey!” He called out to someone. “Can– Can you help me? I’m a little stuck and the door ain’t opening.”

CHarlie was seated on the ground outside of the scoop drawing an elaborate flower scene in chalk. Looking up, he squinted at the person to keep the sun out from his eyes. “I see the judgement in your eyes, but these kids brought some chalk, so I came to colour on my lunch break.”

“If you’re seeing judgement then you must have my expression mistaken.” Bodhi laughed as she crouched down to observe the drawing closer. She wasn’t going to say it was Picasso or true art but there was something very pretty about it. “Care to share your inspiration? That’s what artists do right?” 

She’s not sure how long she stands there for, but it’s long enough to lose herself in memories, feelings long forgotten and nostalgia that cuts deep. In loss. Jaime’s hyper aware of the fact that she’s placed herself like this ( she’s not above the admission that she’d played a major role in destroying what they’d had ) and that’s possibly what makes things all the more painful. She’s unsure if there’s anyone else, if there has been anyone else, but she’s heard rumours and whispers from friends who had thought that they were doing her a favour. But it’s weird, daunting, uncomfortable knowing that she’s no longer the one who hides her face in Bodhi’s shoulder during the peak of a horror movie, who insists that the other’s t-shirts are just that more comfortable than her own, that hers aren’t the fingers that fit so perfectly between Bodhi’s own. That someone else makes little braids in her hair when they’re lying in the grass, reads her her horoscope in the morning and drops by the spa to leave her with a kiss and a coffee cup with a messily scrawled heart on it. And perhaps all the thinking has calmed her down, or maybe she’s just burned herself out. But she’s tired of fighting with her. Her shoulders slump. There’s no way of knowing how she’d feel tomorrow, or even later on in the day, but she can’t find it in her to be angry anymore. The turmoil is turbulent in that sense, and she’s not yet used to the tightness of her chest and the harsh breathing that accompany her burning resent. A flicker of emotion glimmers just so beneath the stone capping her expressionless features. Green eyes, greying with emotion, soften, only slightly.

Those aren’t the words Jaime expects to hear, but then again, there’s nothing else that could be more fitting for their situation. And it’s a simple reminder that Bodhi still cares, reminiscent of the hours spent frozen in the rain. How Jaime’d been scolded for how she couldn’t warm up, and how she’d playfully pressed icy fingers against the warmth of Bodhi’s back. The time they’d driven out of town just to see the snowfall. They’d made snow angels and kissed the blue from their lips. Her weight shifts between her feet, part uncomfortable, part frozen. Again, she can’t warm up. “You’ll get cold,” she counters, even as a shiver makes its way through her body. She can feel Bodhi close enough to remember their mouths sliding together, the lingering smiles and playful nudges. The sweet whispers and naive declarations of promise. And it’s a new pain, a foreign one. Or maybe it’s old, finally making itself known and no longer allowing Jaime to suppress it. Her head shakes. No, she doesn’t need to hear that Bodhi’s sorry. Maybe she thinks she does, and maybe if they’d run into each other months earlier then things would be different. But even admission won’t change things, not now. Wet lashes dash down and up again. Her breath hitches in her throat, and an apology sits on the edge of her tongue, bitter and heavy. But it never comes – it never could. It would be forced, and much like the other woman admits, Jaime’s not sorry about her suspicions. Regret lies mainly in the way they turned on each other, how they twisted and tore their relationship apart. Who they’d become. How, even after months of being apart they’re still smarting from the abrupt way that things ended between them. And so she relents. “Me too,” she settles on, teeth sinking into her bottom lip. The ghost of a smile, hesitant and shy, flits across her lips momentarily. It’s tiny, and if you didn’t know her well enough, you’d miss it. The whole fibre of her being radiates quietness – she’s not good with words. But she’s trying. She’s so tired of fighting. “We were good together. Right?”

It’s the simplicity of the copied retort that brings the most exasperated breath from Bodhi’s cooling lips. By nature, she is competitive and by nature she had the ability to hold herself to a higher standard than anyone ever should but by nature she is not this combative. She is not eager for the fights and sour words but they fall as easily from her mouth these days as words of adoration did in the past. History has taught her about the permanency of actions and how lasting words can truly last a lifetime and the heartache she currently feels....well, she wonders sometimes whether that will also last a lifetime. The smartest part of her mind that is solely guided by her quick mind knows that it won’t and in time she will heal and forget all of the memories she once held so dear but her heart still feels the cracks as profoundly as they did the day the two parted ways. Because there’s a twisted beauty in the pain that she feels, knowing how much of a weight she bares on her shoulders from her own part in their break-up. She hates the way such happy memories are bordered by malicious shades of red and some details she subdues for the sake of her dry eyes. Finally gaining Jaime’s reciprocated affection is the epitome of most of the happiness Bodhi has ever felt but now she knows it has been stolen from her and that merely adds to the resounding pain in her steadily beating heart. Every detail she once burned in to her mind is tainted. Their first kiss. The first time her breath was taken away by the sight of Jaime’s bare skin. Those dizzy smiles in the aftermath of shaky breaths and panted moans. The morning smiles. The afternoon serenades. The evening walks. The night time solitude. It was all there and now....it’s washing away in the rain pouring from the dark clouds above their heads. 

And then there’s Jaime’s smile. Jaime’s smile makes it feel like no rain has ever fallen and suddenly the sky is a meadow of blue and the sun is soaking her skin. Because Bodhi does not miss the way that her lips crease upward. She knows how to pay attention to every detail. She knows Jaime even after all this time. She knows the truth in their dynamic and knows how hard it is for them both. Because Bodhi can be hotheaded but Jaime was always the one to calm her down and now....it’s so twisted that her anger has been directed at the other. We were good together. Right? There’s such a resonance to those words that Bodhi takes in a sharp breath full of frigid air and raindrops. “Oh Jaime...” Her voice is so soft and tender that it’s hard to believe she was close to shouting such a short amount of time ago. “You and I...c’mon...” And now there’s a smile on her own lips, her eyes brightening as she allows thoughts to flood forward that she has so happily repressed over the past few months. “You and I were incredible. A bit of a dream really.” And there’s such sadness in the idea of dreams. Because no matter how beautiful they can be....they disappear when you finally wake up. “And I think you know that too. We were great together but it just....clearly the universe didn’t have a bigger plan for us.” And as much as Bodhi likes to place her faith in the ways of the universe, it breaks her heart that it left them like this.

addison: haha, i don't think i'll spend the day doing that... but i do have wine at my place?

REMI: the crucible makes me so angry! yes, it is one of my favorite plays but some people were just so - aggravating.

REMI: i don't even know where to start, but i don't get why on earth people believed abigail???

BODHI: isn't that the play where they all pretend to see shit and blame some other lady for weird voodoo?

TEDDY: it's not even GROSS

TEDDY: you're truly a lifesaver

TEDDY: .......i can feel your judging eyes from here

BODHI: were you pretending it was a bouncy castle? because that's legit.

addison: how amazing would that be if i actually was willing to do that?

She can’t move. She’s trapped between two fears, one physical, one that’s all in her head. Much like her ex, Jaime hadn’t exactly given herself the time to process her thoughts. Though not in the same self-destructive way. She’d thrown herself into her work, picking up shift after shift until she’d come home exhausted seven days a week. She’d think about something else, change the subject, feign ignorance when questioned to the point where even her best friend couldn’t get more than a few words out of her about the subject. Because even after everything, the accusations and the sleepless night, it’d hurt to be without the other woman. Perhaps they weren’t made for each other in the way that they’d once thought, but she’d missed her. And it had hurt too much, and Jaime hadn’t wanted to feel like that ever again. Covering it up had been easy. Jaime had practically been born with the art of appearing collected, restraint and resilience encompassing everything she was. She’d avoided their old haunts. She’d googled how to make her own face masks. She’d spent stormy nights alone, hanging out of her window as raindrops dripped down her face. But now, faced with everything she’d sought to forget, and the person she pretended had never existed, it was too much for her. Feeling as if she couldn’t breathe, her chest tight and twisted. And they’d gone too far. Jaime isn’t this person…she doesn’t yell. She doesn’t curse. She doesn’t argue, doesn’t spit accusations in the middle of a busy store. And yes, she’s cynical, and she’s stubborn. And she’s hurt. But she doesn’t set out to hurt people. It’s a shock to the system, seeing what this interaction brings out in her, all the anger and the hurt she’s been so good at repressing. It’s sickening. But as Bodhi’s voice starts to quieten, the adrenaline that washed through her during the beginning of their argument, at the height of her anger, starts to fade. And she can start to think again. 

Jaime’s walked away from people far more times than she cares to admit. Run away before things got really bad, before she could let herself get hurt. And seeing Bodhi turn away brings all that flooding back. Each time she’d let herself walk away from their relationship – when the shouting was so loud it hurt her head, or the few too many nights they’d sleep on opposite sides of the bed, backs to each other and too stubborn to back down from whatever disagreement they’d had. So as Bodhi leaves, she follows, stupidly, blindly. Naively. There’s a multitude of things that she could do…she could yell. She could grab her. She could walk away. She could believe her. But there are too many things, and not enough reason to do anything. She loved Bodhi, and Bodhi loved her back. And they could have been so good. But it’s too late. They’re too tainted. And it’s too painful. And so she just watches. Wet hair sticking to her cheeks, thin t-shirt soaking through immediately. ( If she could think straight, she’d laugh, maybe roll her eyes; the rain rendering the gloomy scene something straight out of a movie. Was the rain always this invasive? ) Cold air turning lips blue. Because Bodhi was right, and she’s got nothing either. There’s nothing she can say to make things better, there’s nothing she can do without becoming a liar herself. Bodhi said she’d never hurt anyone she loved. But Jaime can’t believe her. She’s still hurting. And she might still be hurting in months, years. Because Bodhi’s right, and when she looks at her she doesn’t see the woman she fell so hard and fast for. She doesn’t see the woman who went out of her way just to make Jaime smile, she doesn’t see the woman who elicited soft giggles and lazy teasing. Gazes of adoration and lingering, comfortable silences. No. She sees failure, pain they can’t reverse, the way that their relationship tumbled down and crumbled like it was made of sand. She sees heartbreak. And so she just watches. And maybe there’s nothing left for them. And maybe that was always inevitable. 

There’s a pitiful beauty in the way the rain falls over her. Part of her is swallowing it deep into her lungs and letting her body become nothing but the pouring sky but another fraction is so aware of every raindrop that touches her skin. Every strand of messy brown hair that plasters itself to her face. And as she clenches her hands, she squeezes rain drops between her fingers until she is left to grasp at nothing but her rapidly cooling skin. This was never supposed to hurt this much. They were only young and their love had been a single clap of thunder amongst an entire storm but the aftermath had been ravaged by devastation and there wasn’t enough energy to put it all back together. The love could have faded but the questions of what could have been and what had been were always going to show themselves in the scars in their minds. In the scars on their stupid and untrusting hearts. The honking of a car driving too close wrenches Bodhi from the depths of her brain and suddenly the rain fall is deafening as it collides with the pavement. Her heartbeat is a war drum. She takes in a desperate gulp of air that doesn’t fill her lungs. She has every chance to move but she doesn’t take it because there’s not enough function left in her brain to make her legs move. The rain may as well have melted her shoes to the pavement. Maybe what hurts even more is the potential that was wrenched from them. Bodhi had never seen herself settling but in her most distant thoughts she saw things with Jaime that maybe it was too early to consider but if you didn’t hold on to things then what was the point? Bodhi had learnt long ago that every day had to be lived to its fullest because if the universe struck you down with a cruel twist of fate there would be no tomorrow. And maybe it was the universe that made her turn and face Jaime again or maybe it was just the pain still radiating through her chest searching for its cause. 

The image is strikingly familiar but it also breaks her heart. Long gone are the nights of dancing in the rain and droplets against Jaime’s lips. And now the image just makes something inside her ache more. Because it shouldn’t look like this. It shouldn’t feel like this either after all these months have gone by but she doesn’t have control over how it feels. Frustratedly she wipes at her face but it’s a useless action. The way they look at one another is just a reminder of how things changed and she momentarily processes just how tired she feels as the rain seeps in to her skin. “You’ll get cold.” She tells her, her voice still shaky but there’s an absent smile on her lips because she cares. She hasn’t stopped caring in the slightest and the sight of Jaime like this is unsettling. Because there’s so much more to say but also nothing. The rain could swallow all of her words and they’d probably find more use for them. “Do you need to hear I’m sorry, J? Because I know what you want me to defend myself for or apologise for but...” She wipes her lips and steps as close to the other as she dares. “The only thing I’m truly truly sorry for is how much this hurts. And the fact that we didn’t work out. Because that breaks my heart the most.”

Maddie: I figured that

Maddie: Joking

Maddie: nah, I'll be fine

Bodhi: i wouldn't blame you if you weren't joking

TEDDY: okay but would you like to do me a solid and come with me to buy a new bed frame

TEDDY: and before you say ANYTHING

TEDDY: it's not what you think i promise you

TEDDY: it's .. for a friend .. and the friend is most def not me

BODHI: DUDE i wouldn't even want to know even if i was curious

BODHI: BUT SURE...i always love a little furniture shopping