i genuinely just want to be left the hell alone. i shouldnt've engaged with this in the first place, but now that i know you're reading this, i have shit to say.

i came to post here for my own enjoyment, yet all i've gotten is more drama out of it.

i'm not the good guy. i never was a perfect, flawless individual. i was really toxic as well. i projected my insecurities onto everyone, i had a very hierarchial view of my relationships due to how i grew up, my relationship with ******, and the nature of my mental illness (bpd).

but saying none of that matters. it doesn't change your mind or fix the hurt i caused. not to mention the other people i've hurt in my wake in the past, like my close friends that have still stuck by me despite everything i've done to them. i've hurt so many people. i'm seriously sorry for that, and my apologies weren't fake. my last posts probably make my apologies look fake, and you know what? i get that. i was being shitty, and i was angry.

i was responding too emotionally despite the insults being hurled at me. i was responding to being publicly posted about. i shouldn't've let it cloud my judgement, though. i shouldn't've acted like an asshole. i have a job and i need to act like it LOL.

anyway. the thing is though, you are quite literally lying about me. at the very least, stretching the truth.

i never once expressed sexual desire for ****. i have evidence of this and i can easily disprove it.

i know i kicked you all from the servers, but i seriously was not okay with the idea of you potentially exposing private information or the idea of you spreading embarrassing content (such as when i experienced delusions of being other people, characters, and my misdiagnosis of DID, delusions of grandeur) to others. how am i supposed to trust you? it's in your very nature to want to share with your friends what happened. and that's not even being insulting.

speaking of, i never once insulted you to your face besides my recent posts, i genuinely don't know where you got this. i never once hurled insults such as stupid, idiot, etc. toward you or anyone in the past (except for my recent posts, i was pissed). not even in private. i cannot find any instance of this in dms or in the server(s). the only things i said in private about **** and ****** were in relation to cutting them off for how i felt at the time, my perceived abandonment and feeling disregarded. i'm not saying it's okay at all, but it is not remotely as disgusting as you frame it. much of it was during 2021-2022, before we were closer. ****** and i both talked about **** and ****** often, good and bad. i found messages where i admitted to wanting to cut **** off because of their previous obsession with ******. this was shitty of me to say, because i know a lot of ****'s behavior came from psychotic symptoms as well at the time. i can be understanding of that. i know it wasn't personal.

i'll say it, too. my initial response was cruel, but holy fuck you guys. i just wanna be left alone?? nothing i said to you guys remotely compares to what has been said about me.

seriously... i shouldnt've engaged with this blog at all. i just genuinely thought it was abandoned, and i was free to say whatever i wanted. clearly that's not the case. i just wanted to update it because some randoms happened upon it, and i wanted to update all the random strangers here that happened to see my thoughts upon my whereabouts.

whatever. this won't do anything at all. this bullshit is gonna keep happening, especially now that i poked the bee's nest. there's so much more i want to say to all of you, i don't want this to be the last thing i ever say, but i don't have the energy to fight anymore. it's no use.

just know this: i seriously wasn't a great person. like, i literally get it. i was a piece of shit. i don't know what else to tell you. i don't know how else to tell you i know where i messed up and my role in this situation.

but i wasn't the only person capable of hurting others. i wasn't the only person who acted unfairly.

mfw you're literally doing the same thing i'm doing... (checking my blog)

(the difference is idgaf. check my stuff! have fun!)

this shit is hilarious

keep fucking fuming, i hope i haunt you for the rest of your fucking life. the way half of that shit ain't even true 😭😭😭 I NEVER WANTED YOU SEXUALLY NOR DID I GUILT TRIP ANYONE FOR BEING AROACE. you literally drew gore art in representation of me, yet i'm the unhinged one?

anyways. positive post time! because every time you post about me i'm gonna post smth positive idgaf! two can play the middle school game. stay jealous of my improvement

i think i will only use this blog for POSITIVE vents!

where do i start? i have a job now, have had one since last year. it's part time but it pays alright. i'm kind of struggling to keep up with rent since i'm the main one paying it but otherwise i'm doing pretty alright. i feel kinda lost working there but it's helped me learn how to work with people given it's retail. i know how to communicate easier and speak verbally as opposed to just over text like beforehand. i know how to better communicate my needs and feelings. though, i'm still a pretty anxious person, and i need to learn how to not kiss ass as much as i do and remain more firm in telling people 'no.' it's pretty difficult to do since there are a lot of instances at my job where i have to tell people the truth or refuse to sell to them (due to lack of ID for a 21+ product). it's a little scary, but i think it's pushing my limits and teaching me how to say no without guilt.

admittedly, i'm still pretty paranoid over being talked about, but hey, i can't stop them. let them say false things about me. *i* know it's not true. because literally the shit they're saying about me, half of it, isn't true. i'm not a fucking molester/rapist, and i've grown and changed in so many ways and learned so much about the world. i'm a survivor.

go fuck yourself for saying that, btw. imagine saying a CSA survivor is a molester with no proof. i'll see you in hell dude.

i'm still stuck in this shithole town, but i'm hoping one day i'll be able to get out of here. i'm hoping i can save up eventually and move out. my rent was recently lowered, so maybe i can start dreaming of that again.

i've made a lot of steps with my mom, and she and i have really improved our relationship. we're best friends now, and we confide in one another all the time. i've learned my dad was extremely abusive, moreso than i realized, and i've reflected that in a lot of unhealthy ways towards people that were in my life. for that, i feel immense sorrow and remorse. i was raised to hate my mother, i was raised to be nothing like her, when she's always been a person full of love, even if sometimes she said hurtful things. it all came from resentment toward my dad and his abuse. my dad nearly broke her spine while she was pregnant with me, after all. there's so many scary things he did to her and i. he was a scary person, and while i'll always love him, it's time to accept what he truly was.

i still struggle to see myself as a "good person" because i genuinely don't believe i am one sometimes, but i'm slowly getting better i think. i at least feel better in my own skin as of late, especially since i recently received a hair cut. i feel so much better. i don't feel ugly, i feel attractive and like me.

anyways...

the toxicity in my ex friend group was mutual, as they showed many toxic traits as did i. personally, i'm willing to admit where i screwed up, because i know where i did mess up... but i'm not going to make up lies about people just for the sake of a punchline. all of us in this situation sucked in one way or another. i was severely mentally ill at the time, especially when i actively posted here. i can see it in my previous posts, i no longer even type that way anymore. i'm a completely different person now. i no longer view myself as a god or a guardian angel, even though i identify with angels a lot. i don't mean it literally, it's just an aesthetic i identify with... y'know, like a 'normal' person. i'm still otherkin/therian, but no longer suffering delusions relating to it like i was before. i'm human, i'm just some enby dude. i dealt with severe delusions of grandeur, especially right before bed, where i'd genuinely wonder if i was a god viewing the world through my own eyes, or i'd believe i was 100% a fictional character manifesting into the world. i know, it sounds loony, but i was off my rocker. i was sick. i just wanted things to be easier. i just wanted to navigate the world with ease... but it wasn't easy, it was hard, and it still is sometimes, even on the right medication.

it was an isolating feeling, really, to view yourself as (literally) non-human. i felt as if i didn't belong with the rest of the world. i felt as if i was in the wrong place, as if i didn't belong here, and i needed to ascend beyond it in some way, if that makes sense. i wanted to go home, but i didn't have a home or a cemented identity. it was all very scary and weird and just... trippy.

being around other humans, around other *people,* and identifying with them, is a good feeling. sometimes you just need to be away from the internet for a while, away from echo chambers and just be around "normies."

...though, i wouldn't say my co-workers are completely normies, they're pretty chill people. they know my history of mental illness and have accepted me with open arms. even when i act weird, even when i slip up, my bosses have treated me with the utmost kindness and respect and understanding despite it all. i'm a slow learner, and honestly i don't know if being a cashier is *for me* personally, but they've been understanding of all that. they still keep me around despite every slip up and struggle on my end. i still ask a lot of the same questions, i kind of need reassurance a lot to make sure i know wtf i'm doing, but other than that, i think things are going well for me.

i still have my financial struggles, i still am struggling with a lot of things. paying rent has been a pain in the rear, and i'm really praying we don't deal with an eviction or anything like that, if i keep putting effort into paying this off. ever since we got sick earlier this year, shit has hit the fan regarding that. but i think things will turn out okay as long as i just keep whittling away at rent.