where do i start? i have a job now, have had one since last year. it's part time but it pays alright. i'm kind of struggling to keep up with rent since i'm the main one paying it but otherwise i'm doing pretty alright. i feel kinda lost working there but it's helped me learn how to work with people given it's retail. i know how to communicate easier and speak verbally as opposed to just over text like beforehand. i know how to better communicate my needs and feelings. though, i'm still a pretty anxious person, and i need to learn how to not kiss ass as much as i do and remain more firm in telling people 'no.' it's pretty difficult to do since there are a lot of instances at my job where i have to tell people the truth or refuse to sell to them (due to lack of ID for a 21+ product). it's a little scary, but i think it's pushing my limits and teaching me how to say no without guilt.

admittedly, i'm still pretty paranoid over being talked about, but hey, i can't stop them. let them say false things about me. *i* know it's not true. because literally the shit they're saying about me, half of it, isn't true. i'm not a fucking molester/rapist, and i've grown and changed in so many ways and learned so much about the world. i'm a survivor.

go fuck yourself for saying that, btw. imagine saying a CSA survivor is a molester with no proof. i'll see you in hell dude.

i'm still stuck in this shithole town, but i'm hoping one day i'll be able to get out of here. i'm hoping i can save up eventually and move out. my rent was recently lowered, so maybe i can start dreaming of that again.

i've made a lot of steps with my mom, and she and i have really improved our relationship. we're best friends now, and we confide in one another all the time. i've learned my dad was extremely abusive, moreso than i realized, and i've reflected that in a lot of unhealthy ways towards people that were in my life. for that, i feel immense sorrow and remorse. i was raised to hate my mother, i was raised to be nothing like her, when she's always been a person full of love, even if sometimes she said hurtful things. it all came from resentment toward my dad and his abuse. my dad nearly broke her spine while she was pregnant with me, after all. there's so many scary things he did to her and i. he was a scary person, and while i'll always love him, it's time to accept what he truly was.

i still struggle to see myself as a "good person" because i genuinely don't believe i am one sometimes, but i'm slowly getting better i think. i at least feel better in my own skin as of late, especially since i recently received a hair cut. i feel so much better. i don't feel ugly, i feel attractive and like me.

anyways...

the toxicity in my ex friend group was mutual, as they showed many toxic traits as did i. personally, i'm willing to admit where i screwed up, because i know where i did mess up... but i'm not going to make up lies about people just for the sake of a punchline. all of us in this situation sucked in one way or another. i was severely mentally ill at the time, especially when i actively posted here. i can see it in my previous posts, i no longer even type that way anymore. i'm a completely different person now. i no longer view myself as a god or a guardian angel, even though i identify with angels a lot. i don't mean it literally, it's just an aesthetic i identify with... y'know, like a 'normal' person. i'm still otherkin/therian, but no longer suffering delusions relating to it like i was before. i'm human, i'm just some enby dude. i dealt with severe delusions of grandeur, especially right before bed, where i'd genuinely wonder if i was a god viewing the world through my own eyes, or i'd believe i was 100% a fictional character manifesting into the world. i know, it sounds loony, but i was off my rocker. i was sick. i just wanted things to be easier. i just wanted to navigate the world with ease... but it wasn't easy, it was hard, and it still is sometimes, even on the right medication.

it was an isolating feeling, really, to view yourself as (literally) non-human. i felt as if i didn't belong with the rest of the world. i felt as if i was in the wrong place, as if i didn't belong here, and i needed to ascend beyond it in some way, if that makes sense. i wanted to go home, but i didn't have a home or a cemented identity. it was all very scary and weird and just... trippy.

being around other humans, around other *people,* and identifying with them, is a good feeling. sometimes you just need to be away from the internet for a while, away from echo chambers and just be around "normies."

...though, i wouldn't say my co-workers are completely normies, they're pretty chill people. they know my history of mental illness and have accepted me with open arms. even when i act weird, even when i slip up, my bosses have treated me with the utmost kindness and respect and understanding despite it all. i'm a slow learner, and honestly i don't know if being a cashier is *for me* personally, but they've been understanding of all that. they still keep me around despite every slip up and struggle on my end. i still ask a lot of the same questions, i kind of need reassurance a lot to make sure i know wtf i'm doing, but other than that, i think things are going well for me.

i still have my financial struggles, i still am struggling with a lot of things. paying rent has been a pain in the rear, and i'm really praying we don't deal with an eviction or anything like that, if i keep putting effort into paying this off. ever since we got sick earlier this year, shit has hit the fan regarding that. but i think things will turn out okay as long as i just keep whittling away at rent.