Random blog of stuff

There is some fluid in one of my lungs. Very likely from the cancer. It was very tiny at first, but a month later I'm feeling it quite a bit. I opted out of having them drain it then because I was sick of hospitals. At this point, it is far past what I should call them for, but still below what I feel I can deal with. I've had pneumonia twice that was way worse than this without draining.

the increased fluid is kind of a bad sign. The last PET showed growth of all kinds of small cancer bits on / in my lungs. If they drain it and it comes back, I'm told it is probably the cancer causing it. Really there's not much else that would be causing it at this point. There's been nothing that would do that, and I'm on huge anti virals and antibiotics.

I'm slightly concerned that they're only testing the one tumor marker now. We were testing two before, but one of them got knocked down to zero really quickly, and the other is what we've been going on. That one is the one that showed growth through the bone marrow transplant.

I guess that I ought to post a little about me and my medical issues.

I am late twenties. I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer in my chest and lungs a little over two years ago. They did some operation, and then a bunch of chemo. The chemo really sucked. I'm pretty sure I've been on the edge of death at least ten times since the whole cancer stuff started.

I also did a bone marrow transplant that was living hell. I told myself I had to do it, even though I knew it would be the worst thing I've ever done. Well guess what? It didn't work! yay. So now I just sit around for the moment and wait for the next round of tests to come in and tell me how fast I am dying.

I suspect the next tests will show some extreme growth, possibly even metastasization. My body can be really efficient at getting things done, and I think it's doing the same with the cancer (in aiding its growth).

I have pretty scarred lungs from the surgeries and chemo, so that sucks. I'm also kind of supposed to be on oxygen for some of that, along with other issues. The problem is that I'm "allergic" to oxygen. I'm not actually allergic, but that's the easiest way for the layperson to understand. On a more technical level, high concentrations of oxygen cause my lungs to scar more. That means I need more oxygen for the same amount of work. Then that more oxygen causes more scarring, and it spirals downward until I'm being kept alive by machines.

That really sucks. I have oxygen right here with me, but I can't use it. I use it sparingly when it's a really bad day. I have to do that while knowing it's slowly killing me as well.

So that's life. I have an expiration date, I just don't know what it is yet. Unfortunately my death is going to be pretty drawn out and rather terrible. I'm very seriously considering going to a european country that allows assisted suicide when it gets to that point. If I'm going to die anyways, there really isn't much reason to go through the pain and agony.

I really get the whole "I'm a hand grenade" thing. I distance myself from people and don't form new relationships that often because I fear hurting people upon my inevitable death.

I also envy Esther Grace Earl for having an easy death (as easy as cancer can be). I'm unfortunately destined for a long, drawn-out death. It seems she was able to slip out of consciousness and then pass away. That is of course not counting the pain and illness in all the years past.

I don’t really have a preference on where I would want to visit. I’ve seen the world digitally, and that really is good enough for money. The only reason I would want to visit would be for the culture.

Some of the stories, names, and dates will be altered to preserve my real identity. The story fundamentals are all true.

I am a 20 something with terminal cancer in my lungs. I also suffer from some mental issues and pain from the cancer. This is a mostly unfiltered version of my life. There will be many regrets here.

I've had many blogs, journals (physical and virtual), and writings through the years. I always end up throwing them out. I vow not to dump this blog. It will pretty much be my last words on this earth.