blue dress baby

I just wanna stop being mad. How do I stop being mad? I'm tired of this shit.

In life there will be struggles. Love shouldn't have to be one of them.

I will no longer let this ugly bitch take up space in my brain rent free. Just found out my gf is following her ugly ass ex-fiancee on Instagram again after I blocked her on everything on her phone. Am I unhinged for that probably but I'm talking to my ex again and she's big mad which makes me happy cause now she knows how I feel. But anyway, so what? I'm not letting that toenail take up space anymore. So what? She follows her. i follow this ex, and we hung out, so I don't care. Well, i care cause I never wanted to marry this ex. Maybe if I talk to the one I wanted to marry, she'll cry? Haha, I don't want her to cry, but I do want her to see where I'm coming from. Anyway, I'm just gonna keep getting hotter and going out more in my skimpy little outfits without her. I deserve a life without her. She is not the center of my universe I am. If she wants to be with her ugly Lil ex, then I will just date other people that only wanna be with me. Which reminds me...the other days she asked me to go to a swingers event with her. Maybe I don't satisfy her, and that's why she reaches out to the ex. I don't want to swing with other people, but she keeps pushing it, so if I go and see a hot girl and we take out, she can't be mad cause this was her idea. And if we exchange numbers and meet up without her, she can't be mad cause this was all her idea. Realistically, I don't wanna go tit for tat. I don't want to keep trying to make her jealous. Either you want me or you don't. I've been doing a lot better mentally. I'm eating again. The sleep part will come eventually. Oh, sad news my therapist is leaving like she won't be seeing patients anymore so I gotta find a new therapist or finish out with her when she retires next month. I'm not ready to be done so now I gotta vet new people to tell my deepest darkest thoughts to....ugh...I'm gonna miss talking to her. I've grown so much. I'm grateful for our time together and I wish her all the best as she navigates her new path.

She called her ex-fiancee a few days ago to ask for help because the rental car she has is getting too expensive for her. The ex said she gonna give her a car that her father used to drive. She also asked her ex fiancee to come over to her house and do her hair. She'll be bringing over the dog they once shared, too. I can't believe she would invite her to our home that we shared. Of all the people to ask why her???? She has so many hairstylist in her family, and she even used to ask me to do her hair. I know I shouldn't care, and I know it's not my home anymore. I did ask her to wait til I was gone before she brought her over there because I just knew that it was inevitable. She still loves her, and because of that, I will never be a priority to her. Plus, I don't make enough money for her to take me seriously as a partner. She said she's scared of my financial instability, and if anything happened to her, we wouldn't be good, and if anything happened to me, it would all be on her. I can understand that, and I wasn't hurt by that comment because I would want to date someone who was financially secure and had a stable set income as well. I wish I could be that for her. I wish she wasn't hung up on her ex. I'm glad she has someone she can depend on. I'm just sad it's not me. It makes me feel jealous that I can't do her hair the way she wants or give her a car. I feel like she's trying to turn me into her ex-fiancee, though. I need someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of me. She did in the beginning, and now she's stopped. Don't introduce something you can't maintain. Her period just started, so I will give her grace with that I know she suffers a lot with this and that I can be annoying the way I complain all the time. I just wish she made me feel secure and important in her life so I wouldn't have to question and complain about everything. I offered to come over on the day the ex-fiancee comes to do her hair, and she said that I don't have to because she doesn't need a babysitter. Her aunt is staying there, so hopefully she'll be there with her during the visit. I wonder if she'll call me to let me know or if she will just have her niece's back. I know she will. I can't blame her if she does. That's her blood. I just hope they don't have too much fun together. I hope they don't go in our bedroom. I hope they don't kiss or have sex or rekindle anything. I bet they text and talk on the phone all the time now, and that's okay because she's not mine. Maybe she's hers. She told me I'm the current gf, and that's her ex-fiancee, so I have nothing to worry about current. lol like, yeah, there is Def an expiration date for us. She claims that the girl is dating someone else. I just want to meet her. I just want to talk to her, and i feel like I'll get some peace of mind and be able to bow out gracefully. I don't even know what I'm saying. I need a hobby. I need to mind my own business. I'm way too idle. That's why I'm so consumed with this. Like at the end of the day, she doesn't even have all the qualities I want in a partner or treat me the way I want to be treated. This is my first lesbian breakup so this is probably why it's so hard for me but also confusing because she broke up with me but then still calls me baby and tells people I'm her girlfriend but also she didn't call me in nearly two weeks. I'm so confused. I don't want to be confused in my love life or any aspect of my life, and I hate how much this is affecting me. Also, my dog has projectile diarrhea, and I spent my morning cleaning up poop. She won't eat or drink and just sleeps. I'm scared. Honestly, I can't afford to take her to the vet. Plus, I have no car and no license. That doesn't make me a loser. I'm just on my way, you know. I don't want to be a burden to her or anyone else. It feels like I'll never love another, but I know I will one day, some day. God, please mend my broken heart and remember all the reasons why it wouldn't work and why it's not working now. Please help me!!!

I don't want to be bitter.

Don't piss me off......I didnt touch your fucking bandaids....go to hell. You haven't spoken to me since May 25, and that's what you text me???? About bandaids?????? Stfu and get off my phone. Father God, please keep letting her be annoying and give me the ick so I can get over her quicker!!!

I've been crying every day for the past two weeks. I'm crying while typing this. I pray that one day I look at this time and realize that all this is helping me grow. I know this pain won't last forever. I won't be lonely forever. I crave connection so bad, but I think I'm just not in a place to have it right now, and that's okay because there is a season for everything, and I will get through this. I just wish everything wasn't all happening at once like can I get a break, Lord???? Nothing is helping me feel better. I went on a walk like my therapist suggested. I have been trying to eat, but none of my favorite foods taste good anymore. I feel nauseous. My dog is the definition of a velcro dog and won't give me any space, but I think that's because I'm always crying, so she stays closer than usual. I feel so defeated and desperate and like a loser. I never thought this was how my life would be at this age, but here we are. I know better is on the horizon I mean it has to be because once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up so I will keep that in mind as I'm in this season where it feels like nothing is going right and no one likes me or loves me. I'll stop talking so negatively about myself. I just want it to be over, but I have to keep living, so that's what I'm gonna do. Day by day, moment by moment, I gotta pull myself up, and eventually, something has got to give. I'm crying alone in the dark, but I won't be alone forever. Life will get better, and life will get better . get life will get better!!!!!!!

How many times am I going to let the same girl reject me before I move on????? What's wrong with me??????

I just want to be loved and accepted and understood and appreciated and taken care of.