You could still hear the screams from your village. Hear the distorted voices in the distance calling out for help. Hear the horrid sound being interjected with the ravenous howls of hungry beasts. 

The smell of blood and decay reaching you before the first animal ever did. Your father taking hold of you and shoving you towards the wood. His gaze desperate as he said his last words to you. “Go, Y/N. Run like you’ve never run before. They’re here now. Mother Miranda isn’t going to protect us any longer.”

You had hesitated. You didn't want to leave your father but he hadn’t let you. His gentle nudges becoming incessant shoves towards the foliage. “You need to run, iepuraș. Don’t look back no matter what you hear. Just keep running.”

With his words, you had done just as he told you. Trying to not let the screaming or the howls stop you. Trying to not let the fear shining in his eyes stop you. You didn’t want to think about what it meant for your father when the beasts finally did reach him. 

Skidding to a stop, your chest heaves as you take in your surroundings. You knew that you had to begin moving soon. It was only a matter of time before the beasts caught your scent. You had only a small window of opportunity before you’d be captured too. 

The sight of rustic stone work causes you to blanche. Fear shooting through your body as the knowledge of where you were came rushing to you. Castle Dimitrescu; the one place you had always been warned to never venture near. The tales of bloodshed and twisted horrors doing little to persuade you to try. Its foreboding presence is always looming over your village for as long as you’ve been alive. You never thought you would ever see it up close.

The intricate stonework winding up towards grand towers in the sky. Its color is a rich black in the setting light of day. You could tell that the castle was old, even barring the tales you had heard about it, from the weathered quality to its structure. Even though it was no doubt still taken care of. Standing the test of time despite everything. 

A chilling feeling works its way up your spine. Causing the hairs on the back of your neck to stand on end. Your body stiffening as a cold cackle reverberates through the air. A sharp breath catching in your throat at the faint shifting of metal against the ground. 

“Well, well, well.” The gruff voice purrs. “What do we have here? I don’t believe my dear sister let you out of your cage. So you must be a village girl.”

Flinching away from the strong grip suddenly on your face, your head is unceremoniously jerked towards the speaker. To a man with dark glasses and a cruel smirk on his face. Amusement clearly dancing through the expression. A twisted sense of glee lighting up his face even more when he saw your fear. “It’s a pity the doggies didn’t get to you too.” He pauses before a broad smile pulls his lips up. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with you. Oh, Mother Miranda is going to love you.”

Your brow furrows. “Mother Miranda?”

At your words a bark-like laugh falls from his lips. “Yes, child, Mother Miranda. I do hope she’ll let me have you. You’d make the most interesting tool in my games. I’m certain we’d have a blast. Well,” His head tilts to the side. “I know I would.”

Trying to jerk your head away from his hold, you couldn’t stop the pleas from leaving your mouth. “I don’t have anything worth giving you. No money to my name or family that would be willing to pay it. I have nothing of value that you’d want to take.”

“Oh that’s not true child. You shouldn’t sell yourself so short.” His hand loosens ever-so-slightly but it does little to abate your nerves. Especially as his other hand shifts his hammer. 

“I don’t have anything. Please.”

He grins. “While I do love to hear a beautiful maiden such as yourself beg, I must decline. As you do have something very special you can give me.”

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes. Fear began to run through your body as the man grew closer. “What?”

His face once again twists into a dark sense of amusement. “Your life.”

You didn’t see his other hand move. Didn’t hear or feel anything except for the sharp crack of pain against your skull. Your world is immediately consumed by darkness.

Only the sound of his maniacal laughter following you. 

-----

The rough stone scraping along your back is what roused you next. Your eyes blearily blinking open as you’re unceremoniously left against the hard ground. The basic stone ceiling being all that kept your attention for the moment. You could tell already, without even having to move too much, that you were restrained. The heavy presence of metal feeling like a sentence. 

To what? You weren’t sure. 

“Why did you bring her here, Heisenberg? She’s of no use to me.”

The female voice that spoke was familiar to you. You couldn’t quite grasp from where but you knew that you had heard it before. Lifting your head off the ground, you’re finally met with the sight of your captors. 

A sight that quickly causes a chill to run down your spine. 

Your original captor, Heisenberg, was lounged against a couch. A calm nonchalance surrounding him as a gleeful smile took over his features. His cruel intent still being as palpable even from the distance you were now at. 

A hunched over figure standing just behind him. A crown of bones situated atop its head as heavy breathing reached your ears. The grotesque form causes your stomach to churn at the very sight. You had to turn your head away from it. 

The other was in the form of a doll. Your body flinched away ever-so-slightly as it drew nearer. Its lifeless staring at you with something akin to interest before it scampers away. The clear barking order for it to do so coming from the woman who had spoken. 

A woman that was standing in the middle of them all. Her black dress and veil obscuring the majority of her features from you. Though you could still feel the tangible power that radiated off of her body. The command she clearly held over the people in the room. 

Mother Miranda-- through and through. No one but her held that type of power. The pull that she had on people. 

It was a spell that was only broken by the arrival of the fifth person. 

A heavy, yet graceful, gait announcing their presence before they even appeared. The faint clicking of heels against the stone floor telling you where they were. That they were growing closer and closer towards you by the second. Your body is already tensing at what monstrosity you would be subjected to at their arrival. 

Nothing would have ever prepared you for what you saw. 

A woman stops just within your field of vision. Glowing golden eyes taking in the room with a vague sense of interest. Painted red lips pulled into a small smirk as she finally settled her gaze on you. Raven black locks standing out against her pallid skin. Her clear beauty stands out even through the darkness. But that wasn’t what caused your breath to catch. 

It wasn’t the way an exotic tinge of danger exuded from her.

It wasn’t because of the way she gracefully moved through the room. Her white dress shifted against her form with every minute movement. 

It wasn’t even because of the way the dress looked on her body. 

No. It all had to do with her height. She stood taller than any person you had ever seen; man or woman. Her imposing height did little to detract from natural elegance that seemed to lace itself within her movements. In fact it only seemed to enhance it. 

Mother Miranda’s voice interrupted your thoughts. Your gaze being torn from her form towards Miranda’s. “You’re late, Alcina. I expect better from you.”

The woman, Alicna, offers an almost apologetic smile towards Mother Miranda. Her colossal from resting easily against the backrest of the couch. Her ankles crossing in the manner that only seemed to come from habit. 

“I apologize, Mother Miranda. I got caught up with affairs at the castle.” She dips her head towards the black-cloaked woman. “It won’t happen again.”

Miranda sneers. “Make sure it doesn’t.” Pausing for a brief moment, Mother Miranda seemed to observe the room. Clear contemplation taking up most of her concentration-- until her gaze once again landed on you. “Now it’s time to figure out what we’re going to do with our little friend.”

Almost immediately Alcina and Heisenberg speak up. 

“I found her. It should be I that gets to keep her.” No. Anything but that. 

“I would have the most use of her. She does look quite appetizing.” I don’t think I want to know what that means. 

At Alcina’s words, Heisenberg scoffs. “I’ll have the most use of her, dear sister. You’ll just hide her away in the private rooms of your castle. In the dark. Playing games with her that would end like it started; boringly.” He turns towards Mother Miranda. “Let me have her. I know exactly what I wish to do.”

“And you’ll just toy with her for only a few moments before she’s crushed by one of your contraptions. There’s no finesse to what you do, dear brother.” Her golden gaze flickers towards you for a moment. An almost contemplative look flashing across her beautiful features. “I’ll make sure I have something spectacular planned for her.”

Mother Miranda speaks before they can argue any further. And by the tone of slight agitation in her voice you can tell that this was a common occurrence. Your body shifted away from her ire even as you were restrained, almost painfully, from moving any further. 

“Enough. Alcina you will get the girl.” At Heisenberg’s whine, she snaps at him. “There will not be any more complaints regarding this issue. You’re dismissed.”

The next time you blinked she was gone. 

Your head is already plopping down against the ground. Despite the harsh greeting it got in response. You couldn't believe that this was your life now. You had just been sold to a woman, while undeniably attractive, that would sooner rip out your spine then let you walk free. 

At least it wasn’t Heisenberg. 

The thought only brings you a modicum of comfort. 

The sudden looming shadow around doing quick work to wipe out what was left. Your eyes trailing up well muscled legs, across a white-clad torso, an elegant neck, to finally reach her amused gaze. Even if her amusement was tinged with a darker entity that you truly didn’t want to think about. 

“Well, darling, it looks like you’re all mine,” she purrs as she leans towards you. Her hand coming up to brush against your cheek. Whether it be a way for her to maintain control or for her to know what you felt like; you hadn’t the slightest idea. “Aren’t you going to say anything to me? I did just save you from my brother.”

You still weren’t sure if that was a good thing or not. 

Raising your gaze to meet hers, you clench your jaw. Trying to prepare a biting retort to her clear teasing. Hoping that you’d be able to get even with her in some small way. If you were going to die you were going to die your way. 

However, the moment you opened your mouth, another two words appeared. “You’re beautiful.”

The moment that words slipped from your lips, you could feel your face heat up. Your body automatically tensing at the knowledge of you had just said to her. Fortunately she seemed to be just as floored as you. Shock clearly showing itself across her elegant features before an almost feral smile takes its place. Her arms wrapping around to hoist you in the air. 

But, before she did, she whispered one last thing towards you.

“Do you think you’re cute, slut?” Natasha hisses as she slams you against the wall. Her hand pressing against your throat to keep you in place. “That I wouldn’t notice what you were doing?”

You mewl at the pressure of her fingers against your pussy. Trying desperately to grind down against them for any amount of relief.

You’re met with a harsh slap against your ass because of it. “You think a little whore like you deserves to cum? That you deserve to feel my fingers inside of you?”

“I didn’t do anything, mommy,” you moan. Trying once again to feel her fingers against you. 

Natasha sneers. “Didn’t do anything?” She mocks as she twists your hair in her hand and yanks your head back. “You know damn well what you did, kitten.”

She runs her tongue along the column of your throat before she nips your ear. Causing another mewl to fall from your lips. Your back arching to press yourself closer to her body. 

“What did you do?” She hisses once more, pressing another heated kiss to your neck. Her breath causing goosebumps to rise wherever it hit. “Tell me what you did and I might let you cum.”

You whine. “I was just talking to Bucky. I wasn’t going to do anything.”

The sharp bite on your throat causes you to cry out. Her hot tongue running along your skin a moment after to soothe the already purpling area. “You know that he wants to fuck you, kitten. You know that he wants to put his filthy hands on you. To have you ride his dick until you cum. That he wants to take what’s mine.” 

“I would never let him, mommy.” You moan. Pressing your neck closer to her mouth as she nips at the sensitive spot below your ear. “I would never let anyone but you touch me.”

You could feel her smirk against your skin. “Damn right, kitten. I would have to kill anyone that touched you.” 

Pulling away, causing a small keen to fall from your lips, Natasha sits down and tugs you onto her lap. Your pussy pressing against her thigh as she gripped your hips. An almost devilish smile appearing on her lips.

“But you have to be punished, kitten. Even if you wouldn’t let him touch you he didn’t know that.” Tracing her fingertips along your abdomen and dipping ever-so-slightly into your pants, Natasha continues. “Now he thinks you’re a whore. And we all know that you’re only a slut for me. That you’re my whore and no one else’s.”

Yanking you down, she presses a heated kiss to your lips. Her tongue easily meeting yours and dominating you completely. Biting into your bottom lip as she pulled away.

“You belong to me don’t you, kitten?’

Nodding, you move against her thigh. Crying out when she forcibly stops you. “Yes, mommy. I belong to you and only you.”

Smirking, Natasha cups your pussy over your jeans. Putting enough pressure against it for you to feel it but not enough for it to be relieving. “And this pussy belongs to me, right?”

“Yes, mommy. I only belong to you. My pussy is only for you.”

“You’re my dirty little whore, aren’t you?”

You think you were going to break your neck with how much you were nodding. “Yes, I’m your little whore mommy. Only your whore.”

The thought of Tony truly being gone hadn’t fully set in. You had dealt with this before. Had lived with the knowledge that Tony could be lost to you. Afghanistan had been hell for you and for everyone that loved Tony. You hadn’t given up hope that he would be found. That your big brother, the only family you had left, would be returning to you. 

You had less hope now. At least when Tony had disappeared in Afghanistan he had still been on Earth. Now you didn’t know what galaxy he was in… let alone the planet.  His absence became more and more obvious the longer it went on. The days slipping past you like water through your fingers. The knowledge that Tony may truly be gone this time crushing you. 

It didn’t help that you were surrounded by the people that hurt you the most. The people that you thought were your family but ended up being your biggest heartache. Closing your eyes once more, you crane your neck back. And even if you couldn’t see the stars you knew where you were looking. You had long since memorized the layout of the sky above your terrace in the Compound. It wasn’t the Tower but you didn’t think you could bear to set foot in it. Not without Tony being there to greet you. 

You could hear the distant murmur of voices beneath you. No doubt the others trying to figure out what to do. The sound causes yet another stab of pain to lance through your heart. While you wouldn’t wish what had happened on your greatest enemy, you couldn’t understand how they survived when Tony didn’t. How they could be using the things he made for them after everything they had done. Didn’t understand why you had to see them every day and not Tony. 

You still remember, with perfect clarity, seeing them again after so long. Remember seeing her again after everything. 

You wished that your heart didn’t still react the way it did. 

Stepping off of the QuinJet, you pull your jacket tighter against your body. Your eyes taking in the various faces as you went. Desperately searching for something familiar to ground you. You needed something to make sense. You needed to have someone you love be okay. 

Spotting a familiar face, you break out into a run. Relief interlacing itself within your shout. “Wombat!”

At your yell, Rhodey whips around and pure relief flashes across his face. His arms are already opening for you as you barrel into him. Burrowing against him as you clung as tightly as you could. 

“You’re okay,” you choke out with tears falling from your eyes. “You’re okay.”

Rhodey’s arms tighten around you at your choked statements. The pain he was holding back showcasing itself within the shaking of his arms. By the way, he followed every minute movement of your body as you shifted in his embrace. Finally, after a few moments, you take a small step back. Making sure that you maintained eye contact with him through it all. You needed him in your sights at all times. You don’t know what you would do if he disappeared too. 

His pained gaze flits to various points behind you. His throat bobbing up and down as he tried to form his question. “Di-” He clears his throat. “Did Pepper make it?”

You nod. “She’s on her way now.”

Rhodey hums but his gaze still hadn’t returned to yours. Causing your own to narrow as worry started to fill your chest. “Rhodey.” You wait for him to turn back towards you. Even if his gaze wouldn’t stay solely on your own for long. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head but doesn’t offer an answer. Something that only causes your worry to grow that much more. Rhodey had made it his life's work to deliver the hard truths to family. You didn’t want to think of what this meant that he wasn’t able to tell you. 

Stepping closer, you place a light hand on his chest. “Rhodey,” you implore gently. “What happened?”

There’s a tense silence until he finally meets your gaze. Tears finally begin to fall from his eyes as a pained sound escapes his mouth. “Sam.”

He didn’t have to say anything else for you to understand. You had already seen so many people you knew crumble before your eyes. Seen innocent bystanders disappear with the breeze as their remaining family watched in shock. The screams for help and the mournful howls of grief following soon after. New York City quickly became a desolate wasteland of what it used to be. The City That Never Slept growing quiet. 

Wrapping your arms around Rhodey, you offer him another hug. There were no words that you could say that could take away his pain. No words that would ever make the grief go away. That would ever erase the image of ashen faces crumbling against the wind. Faces of loved ones, of people you didn’t even know, forever seared into your brain. 

Raising your head, you meet Rhodey’s gaze once more. A small frown furrowing your brow. 

“Where’s Tony?”

“We’ll have to take another jet to scope the area for more survivors. I thi-”

Whatever was going to be said was immediately interrupted by your entrance. Not that you cared for anything he had to say. Your gaze honing in on his baby blue one as you made your way towards him. While he didn’t look the same you could still see the self-righteous asshole underneath. Something that caused your anger to grow even more. 

You didn’t notice the other occupants of the room. Didn’t notice the way pained green eyes followed your every move-- even though there was worry interlacing the expression. Didn’t notice anything except for Steven Fucking Rogers. 

Even the splitting pain that erupted across your hand as you punched him did little to detract from your anger. All you could feel was your pain. Your grief at what had happened. No amount of physical pain could ever measure up to your emotional trauma. 

“You asshole,” you snarl. “This is exactly what Tony was afraid of. This is exactly what he tried to protect the world from.”

Steve didn’t make any move to protect himself from your shoves. His blue gaze turning sad; almost remorseful. 

“I know, Y/N.” He turns his head away as shame colors his face. “I know that this is what Tony was afraid of.”

“Don’t you dare say his fucking name like you’re still his friend. Don’t you dare act like what you did didn’t happen.” You scoff as you take a step back from him. Your gaze finally looping the room for the first time. Only briefly pausing over Natasha’s silent form. Hating the relief that flared through your body at the sight of her. An emotion that you were sure crossed your face by the way something shifted in her gaze. By the way, her stance loosened ever-so-slightly. Turning away from her, you meet Steve’s gaze once more. “Tony knew this was going to happen. It’s why he fought so fucking hard for the Accords. Why he fought so hard to keep the team together.”

Anger finally graces Steve’s face at your words. “The Accords were going to treat us as servants, Y/N. There was no way we could sign them.”

An incredulous laugh falls from your lips at your words. “This isn’t the forties, Rogers. You can’t just do whatever the hell you want and expect to get away with it. There have to be limitations on what people with your abilities are allowed to do.” You shake your head as you turn your back on him. Moving towards the door. “Tony was going to fight for your rights. He wasn’t going to let your humanity be stripped from you. But there had to be fail-safes in place to protect the innocent people of Earth.” You shoot him a glance over your shoulder. Withering with its intensity-- with your anger. “Or is one person truly worth more than the millions of lives you destroyed? Or the billions, maybe even trillions, that are now gone because you couldn’t see past your loyalty to him?”

“This isn’t my fault, Y/N.” Steve replies. “This is because of Thanos. He is the one we have to stop.”

A small smile quirks your lips at that. “Still the idealist I see.” You shake your head. “We all made mistakes, Rogers. Could have done things in a different manner. But never forget that you were the one that split the team-up. That you were the one that decided Barnes’s life was worth more than everyone else's.” You chance one more glance towards Steve. Your eyes are sympathetic because you already knew what happened to him. “I’m sorry for your loss. No one deserves to see their loved ones perish like that.”

Even though it’s better than not knowing...

Moving closer towards the door, you place a gentle hand against the wooden surface. Your gaze turning somber as you meet Natasha’s gaze once more. Maintaining eye contact even though you were speaking to the room as a whole. “Maybe the people we should have been protecting the Earth from were you.”

You don’t wait for a response as you’re already gone. The thunderous echo of the door slamming behind you being all that was left of your presence. 

You find Thor outside with an anthropomorphic raccoon. Something that barely causes you to pause as you settle down beside the god. Your gaze remains level with the horizon even as you felt Thor’s gaze on your face. His electric blue eyes like a weight against your skin. 

His deep rumbling voice soon breaks the silence. “Y/N.”

“Thor.”

A silence settles over the three of you. Your gaze never wavering from the setting sun. The silent fields rolling with the wind. A hollowness exuding from the world that left your stomach churning with nausea.

“Is the Man of Iron, all right?” Thor breaks the silence once more. His deep voice is uncharacteristically soft. “I haven’t seen him.”

At the question, your mouth thins into a line. Finally breaking your gaze with the horizon as you met Thor’s. “Tony isn’t here, Thor.”

The revelation causes Thor to reel back. His shock etching itself across his features. “Friend Stark was dusted?”

You shake your head; trying to ignore the pain that struck your chest at the very thought. “No, Thor. He went after Thanos with Peter.”

The God of Thunder’s brow furrows. “So you do not know if he lives?”

You shake your head once more. “No, Thor. I don’t know if Tony is alive or not. I may never know what has happened to him.”

There’s another moment of silence before another voice speaks up. Your gaze shifting towards the raccoons. Deep brown eyes, that reminded you so much of Tony, stare back at you. 

“He’ll be all right. If he’s in space then that means he’s run into my team.” His pointed snout looks back towards the sky with a hint of longing across his face. “They’ll take good care of him.”

At his words, a breath of relief falls from your lips. Your shoulders loosen at the sheer confidence within the raccoon's tone. That is until Thor interjected once more. 

“But what if they were dusted too, Rocket?’

There was no answer. Only the silence of the world, a world that would never be the same, settling over the three of you. Your eyes once again returning towards the sky. 

All with different levels of longing interlaced within.

Staying in Wakanda was stifling. While it was a beautiful country with astonishing marvels, you couldn’t help but be weighed down by everything. From the silent grief that permeated the air because T’Challa was gone. To the dark looks directed towards the sky whenever an airship flew overhead. Not to mention being surrounded by Rogers and his team. 

Pepper’s arrival was like a breath of fresh air. You weren’t sure you were still capable of smiling, with true joy, before she appeared. Her bright blue eyes meet your gaze across the yard. Her own bright smile, with unshed tears filling her gaze, appearing as she rushed towards you. Her slim arms wrapping around you in a tight embrace. The familiar floral scent of her perfume calming you. 

You hadn’t been around when Pepper had seen Steve again. Hadn’t seen the colossal fallout that had occurred but you had definitely heard about it. Thor had been all too happy to tell you the tale of ‘Lady Potts decimating her star-spangled foe’. Something you were more than eager to hear. 

Which is how Pepper had found the two of you. Laughing over Thor’s depiction of events. Her own agitation quickly falling away at your joy. And, while it didn’t last long, you were thankful to Thor for allowing it to appear all the same. 

Returning to the United States, to New York City, was like stepping into a nightmare. At least while you were in Wakanda you could pretend that billions of people weren’t dead. That it hadn’t been something that affected half of the universe. Seeing the empty cars on the side of the road. The few people littering the street looking lost. Faces pale and emotionless as they shuffled aimlessly from place to place. 

It was a sight that you would never forget. Yet another thing that you were going to have nightmares about. 

The Compound wasn’t any better. Echoes of days long passed hitting you with full intensity as you made your way through the silent halls. The laughter that sounded so foreign to your ears now ghosting across your ears on a phantom breeze. Distant chattering that only seemed to fade the closer you got to it. Memories haunted the halls of the Compound. But nothing would ever be worse than the Tower. The place that you and Tony had built together. A great marvel that was forever placed within Manhattan's skyline. Knowing that he wouldn’t be there when you arrived caused you to stay away. 

You didn’t think you would be able to handle those memories. Of lazy Sunday afternoons lounging around in pajamas while Pepper was taking various calls. Tony doing his best to make her break away from her no-nonsense CEO facade. Only succeeding once before Pepper shot him a withering look that held no heat behind it. The sound of his laughter bouncing off the hallways as he cheated at Mario Kart. Your own expletives joined in soon after as you were hit, once again, with a shell. 

Knowing that the Compound did this to you; even though you rarely visited it. How could you possibly set foot in the Tower? The one place that had made you feel truly at home. 

Drinking helped ease the pain. Helped quiet the memories that kept surfacing as you stayed in the Compound. You know that it wouldn’t be what Tony wanted. That he never wanted you to have the problems he had, but as the days passed. As the pain, the grief, continued to grow, you found it harder and harder to resist the amber liquid. Tony wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t there to tell you a joke when you were feeling low. He wasn’t there to tell you that he loved you in his own special way.

He wasn’t there.

So you settled for the numbness and the sound of his voice in the distance. Always there in a dark corner but never obtainable.

Anything would be better than not having him with you. 

On the second week of your stay in the Compound, the others appeared. The sound of the QuinJet only pulling your gaze towards the yard for a moment before you looked back down. You knew that they would be coming sooner or later. The world needed protectors. And they had just lost their greatest. The people of Earth needed to have someone to look towards. 

It was only a matter of time before they called on them. 

You didn’t even raise your gaze when you heard them enter. Their voices petering off when they noticed you sitting on one of the many couches with a StarkPad in hand. 

“You didn’t think I would just let you stay here by yourselves, did you?”

Your question was only met by silence. You were hoping that they didn’t question you on how you knew. That they didn’t notice the dark shadows under your eyes from lack of sleep. Or the empty decanter on the glass table before you. 

Steve was the one to respond. “We didn’t but I wasn’t aware it was going to be you, Y/N.”

Glancing up, you narrow your eyes. “Well, I’m the only Stark left so it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, Rogers.”

You don’t wait for a response, suddenly finding it too hard to be in the same room as him, as you stand. Trying to ignore the way the room spun ever-so-slightly at the motion. Easily gathering your bearings as you made your way out of the room.

Trying to ignore the way an emerald green gaze watched you as you left. 

You weren’t surprised when she found you-- annoyed maybe but not surprised. Sometimes you hated that she knew you so well. Hated that she could still read you like a children's book. 

You didn’t bother to turn towards her as she stepped onto the terrace. Your gaze remains level with the horizon. Hoping, no matter how much it hurt, that you would see something. Anything. A single sign that Tony was coming back to you. That he was alive. 

Feeling her warm presence settle beside you should have caused you to tense. Should have caused you to move away at the closeness. It should have caused you to do a lot of things but you don’t. You simply stay rooted to the spot as Natasha leveled her gaze towards the side of your face. Her keen green eyes took in everything that she could see. 

You tried not to tense when her eyes flickered down towards your hands. Towards the glass that, by some miracle, hadn’t broken due to your tight grip. The amber liquid glowing softly underneath the moonlight. 

She doesn’t say anything for a long while. Simply standing with you underneath the moonlit sky. The only sound passing between you being your breathing. 

Until her husky voice finally breaks the silence. “He wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, Y/N.”

You tense. “And how would you know what Tony wants Natalia?” 

You didn’t have to be looking at her to see the wince that you caused. Your own heart feeling heavy at your acidic retort. But, unlike most people, she didn’t shy away from your anger. She didn’t even seem to be fazed by it.

“Because, despite what you may think, I still consider you and Tony my family. I know how much Tony loves you, Y/N. I know how much you love him.” She grows silent for a moment before she continues. Her tone much softer than it was before. “And I know how much I love you.”

Your eyes slip shut at the quiet admission. A painful lurch of your heart telling you what you had been trying to ignore for the last two years. That you love Natasha Romanoff. That you always would… no matter what. 

“That’s not fair,” you whisper. Finally turning your gaze to meet hers. “You can’t just come back into my life after two years and say those things to me. You can’t just say you love me like it’s going to fix anything.”

Her eyes flash. Turning razor sharp before your eyes as she steps closer. “It could change everything, Y/N.” Emerald green implores you to listen to her. To actually hear and understand what she was trying to say. “I love you, Y/N Stark. You are the love of my life. You are the only love of my life. I hate myself for hurting you. For breaking us apart because I couldn’t see the bigger picture. You are the only woman that has ever made me feel cherished. The only person that has ever made me feel truly loved.”

You shake your head. “You left, Natasha.”

“Because you told me to,” Natasha cries. Her green gaze grew even brighter because of unshed tears. “Do you think I wouldn’t have stayed? That I wouldn’t have fought tooth and nail to keep you? That I wouldn’t have let this whole world burn if it meant I could be with you for one more moment? You told me to leave, Y/N. I had already broken enough that day. I wasn’t going to stay and break your heart even more.”

“And you think this time will be any different?” You ask with an incredulous frown pulling your brow down. “You think that I don’t have nightmares about my parents death? That I don’t see my mother being murdered while my father couldn’t do anything but watch? You think that I’m not haunted every single fucking day that the love of my life kept that from me. That you lied to my face about one of the single most important things in my life.” Moving away, after setting your glass down, you run a hand through your hair. Your mouth thinning into a line. “You don’t think I wanted you to stay too?”

At your admission, Natasha moves towards you. Her gaze desperate as she took your hand in hers. “This time I will, Y/N. I won’t let you go again. Doing so last time almost killed me. I promise that I won’t ever lie to you again.” She shakes her head as she takes another small step closer, her hand resting gently against your cheek. “I promise that I’ll love you the way you should be loved until our last dying breaths.”

Your eyes flutter shut at the touch. It had been too long since you had felt her. Felt the way her fingertips ran across your cheek. The simple elegance that she always exuded being interlaced with her love for you. But you couldn’t forget what had happened. Your heart lurching in your chest as you remember the sting of betrayal once more. 

Pulling away from her, you take a few steps back and fold your arms over your chest. You needed to have distance between your bodies. You wouldn’t be able to think clearly if she was near. 

“I need time to think, Natasha.” You finally say after a tense stare off. “I need to come to terms with a lot of things in my life.”

Nodding, Natasha takes a small step back. Even though it looked like everything in her body was telling her to move towards you. Her green gaze glowed with a gentle warmth. “I’ll wait for as long as you need, Y/N. I’ll be damned if I lose you again.” Turning away from you, Natasha pauses at the door. Her gaze meets yours once more with a small smile quirking her lips. “And, just so you know, I had nothing before I found this family. Before I found you.”

Then she was gone. Leaving only you and the echoing of her words behind. 

Now…

You haven't truly spoken to Natasha since the exchange. She had kept true to her word about waiting for you. Her gaze always finds yours the moment you enter a room she was in. Always making it clear that you could approach her whenever you wished to. Though she never forced her presence onto you. Maintaining a respectable distance from you at all times. Not far enough for you to not know she was there but not close enough for you to feel crowded. 

You had tried to come up with ways why you couldn’t let her back in. Her betrayal being the main factor but even you knew that it wasn’t valid any longer. Even Tony had told you to look past it. That Natasha was so head over heels for you that her reasons had been honorable. Severely misguided, maybe, but honorable. 

Oh, Tony, if you were here I wouldn’t feel so lost. You would just tell me what to do. Give me your patented smirk and berate me about my head being up my ass. Lowering your gaze, you run a frazzled hand through your hair. If I get one sign that you’re alright I’ll give her one more chance. I’ll make it work because I know that this is what the universe wants. That you returning to me is a sign that I’m supposed to be with Natasha. 

At your eternal declaration, you glance towards the sky. Hope fills your chest as you observe the moonlit sky. Only to quickly be crushed as the minutes ticked by and nothing happened. Your heart breaks even more in your chest at getting your hopes up. 

Stepping back from the railing, you decide that it would be best if you headed in. Maybe drown your sorrows with a few glasses of whiskey before turning in for the night. Pressing your hand against the smooth glass of the door, you have to squint at the sudden light from behind you. Your eyes barely being able to focus through the brilliant blaze. Glancing behind you, your eyes widen at the sight of a spaceship being placed down onto the ground. Your breath catching in your throat as you leapt into action. 

You didn’t even register your mad dash through the Compound. Didn’t notice the confused looks or the shouts of your name. Didn’t register the cold grass against your bare feet as you rushed across the lawn. All you could see was the spaceship. 

All you could see was the hatch opening and two figures exiting. 

All you could see was the exhausted face of your older brother. His dark brown eyes meet yours through the darkness. Relief flooding his expression as he hobbled towards you. Disconnecting from the blue arm that was keeping him steady. 

All you could register was the feeling of having him in your arms again. Your nose pressing into his neck as you clung to him. Soft sobs rip from your throat as his calloused hands gently run through your hair. 

“You’re alive.”

It was like a mantra that you brokenly repeated over and over again. Each time making it even more real that Tony was actually there with you. That he wasn’t gone. That you could still see, touch, and hear him.

His answering response never failed to bring more tears cascading down your cheeks. “I’m here.”

You could hear the others as they approached you. By the tensing of Tony in your arms you know that Rogers was at the front. Pulling back, you touch Tony’s face. A soft sob falling from your lips at how emaciated he looked.

Offering him a watery smile, your thumb gently rubbing against his cheek. “We’ll have to get some food for you. I don’t think the space diet suits you, Tones.”

He offers you a small smile in return. The familiar spark reigniting in his gaze before fading away. His next words came out in a dull whisper. “I lost the kid.”

You didn’t know what to say to that. Your own shock filled you as the devastation in Tony’s eyes became apparent. You had known for quite some time that Tony thought of Peter like a son. That Tony would do anything to keep him safe. You viewed Peter as a little brother you always wanted. A warm presence that filled your life with meaning once more. His childish antics brightening your day and bringing a smile to your face. Knowing that he was gone? That you would never hear his horrible jokes again? Or his anxious rambles? It broke your heart. For both losing Peter and for Tony having to witness it. 

“I’m sorry, Tony.” You shake your head. “He was a good kid.”

“Yeah he was.”

Opening your mouth, you’re about to respond but a shrill cry breaks through. “Tony!”

Turning, you could see Pepper rushing towards you both. Her blue gaze locked with Tony as she ran. Without thinking twice you move aside as Pepper takes your spot. Moving away to give her and Tony some privacy. Or however much one could get in an open lawn. 

Not realizing how close you were to the others, you flinch at the sudden presence at your side. Your gaze meeting Natasha’s. Her green gaze filled with warmth and happiness. A small smile quirking her lips as she observes the scene before her. Pepper’s strong hold on Tony not wavering in the slightest even as Rhodey appeared too. Both taking their turns in showering the genius with hugs. 

Shifting, your hand gently brushes the back of Natasha’s. Her eyes shifted towards yours for a moment before returning front and center. Biting your lip, you deliberate on what to do. As Natasha had clearly just given you the sign that the ball was in your court. That however you reacted to this situation would be all up to you. 

You could step away. Pretend like nothing had happened. That it had been a simple accident and nothing more.

Or you could take her hand and finally accept what your heart was screaming at you. What it had been trying to tell your stubborn mind for the last two years. That Natasha Romanoff was the love of your life and you were never going to find anyone like her. That despite all this tragedy you could learn how to be happy again because she was by your side. 

I did promise the universe, you muse with amusement dancing across your mind. And I don’t like breaking promises. 

So, without breaking eye contact with the scene in front of you, you take Natasha’s hand. Allowing a small smile to quirk your lips at the way she immediately interlaced her fingers with yours. Noticing the warm smile that was now curling her lips through your peripheral. 

Squeezing her hand, your heart leapt in your chest at the answering squeeze in response. Your body singing with happiness at having Natasha returned to you. 

Despite everything, despite all the hardships you would now have to face, you would be able to do so.

As long as you had Natasha by your side you could get through anything. 

Clenching your teeth, you slam your glass against the smooth surface of the piano. An acidic feeling working its way up until you were able to force it back down. The action causes tears to form in your eyes and pain to flare through your chest. Images of memories long suppressed flashing through your mind as you stood. Your gait stumbled ever-so-slightly as you made your way towards the large couch in the center of the room. 

You wished for nothing more than to have the memories stop. To have the past twenty-four hours erased from your mind. To go back to a time when your team, your family, was still whole; severely damaged but whole. Where you didn’t know that the people you trusted had kept something so crucial from you. From Tony. Back to a time where the image of your older brother’s haunted face wasn’t seared into your brain-- where his bright brown eyes weren’t dimmed to a hollow black. 

Back to a time when your heart was whole. Where you didn’t second guess everything that had happened for the past six years of your life.

The Day Prior…. 

A smile pulls at your lips as you hum a soft tune against the oppressive silence of the Tower. Wanting to fill a normally joyous environment with its usual cheer. Anything to offset the darkness that had been consuming all the light that had finally worked its way into your life. 

The inviting aroma of the pasta sauce wafts through your nose. A warm feeling blossoming in your chest at the memories, and the feelings, it invokes within you. It was a recipe that your dear Brucey had imparted onto you after another failed attempt by your brother to make dinner. It seemed that for all his brains, Tony couldn’t figure out how to work a stove even if his life depended on it. 

Even though he could probably make one in his sleep. 

You held hope that your brother would be returning today. You knew how much the Accords, and the subsequent battles, were affecting him. His already fucked up sleeping schedule became almost nonexistent. Not to mention his new diet consisting solely of leftover pizza and coffee. Hopefully a nice home cooked meal would do him some good. You also held hope that your long term girlfriend, Natasha, would be joining your brother on his return. You didn’t truly know everything that was going on with the so-called ‘Civil War’ but you were beyond glad that Natasha wasn’t on the opposite side of it. You didn’t know what you would do if you lost her too. 

You still couldn’t comprehend that Steve, your Capsicle, was no longer part of the Avengers-- at least the version that the public would rally behind. Couldn’t believe that Clint had so easily followed behind him without a second glance back. That Wanda, despite all of her misgivings about your last name, would leave you too. You knew that the Accords were demanding many things from the heroes, although you didn't know the extent of everything, you didn’t see the reason for the battles that had risen because of them. Not when amendments and other legalities could still surface in the wake of such a document coming into fruition. 

You understood, in part, how Steve must feel having such restrictions appear. Flashing him back to a time that you had only read in history books and heard from the drunken ramblings of your father. Where if the rules weren’t followed there would be dire consequences. You also understood that Steve wanted to protect his friend from such restrictions-- you just couldn’t understand how a man that followed various rules like they were God’s words themselves could be so flippant about something so important. Could be so callous to the wishes of millions of people and their representatives. It wasn’t the forties anymore, Steve had to come to terms with that. The world wasn’t what it used to be.

At the first sign of Steve’s rejection to the Accords, you had hoped that Tony would be able to talk him into it. Would be able to stop the conflict before it even had the chance to rise. All that hope had flown out the window after the airport. After Rhodey, your beloved wombat, had gotten crippled you knew that nothing would ever be the same again. That nothing could fix the wound that had been inflicted on Tony’s already battered heart because of it. 

An event that only became that much worse because you had only been able to catch glimpses of Natasha. Seeing her briefly in the hallway of the hospital with a dark look painted on her face. You had tried to approach her but she had vanished before you even got half-way. The next, and last, time you had seen her she was speaking with Tony. An exchange that didn’t look to be on the friendliest of terms. Yet another fact that you couldn’t comprehend. As their relationship, although starting off rough, blossomed after you began dating. An understanding growing between them that you were the glue that held them together. Friendship growing from that shared bond like flowers blossoming amongst the weeds at last. Witnessing such an exchange had shocked you but you still held hope that it was simply the ramifications of the battle-- having Steve and the rest of the rogues escape must have stung. Not to mention Rhodey’s injuries pouring salt into an already gaping wound. 

Your hope was the only thing getting you through. 

The smell of burning tomatoes fills your nose causing you to blanche. Your brow furrowing in surprise at the unexpected smell before, with muttered curses, you realize what you had done. As quickly as you were able to, you turned the burner off and brought the pot to the sink-- wherein you dumped it unceremoniously. A petulant frown making its way across your face at the sight. 

Shaking your head, you grab a hand towel and make your way around the kitchen. You knew that Tony wasn’t the pickiest of eaters but you had wanted to make his homecoming meal special. Naked pasta didn’t really get that feeling across. At least I tried. 

“I guess Tony isn’t the only one who’s been frazzled by all of this,” you mutter as you toss the towel onto the counter. 

“You’re still using words like frazzled, Y/N?”

The unexpected response causes you to jump in surprise. Your heart leaping in your throat as you saw the shadowed figure of your brother standing in the precipice of the room. A grin pulling at your lips at the sight. 

“Yes, Anthony, I do,” you reply. “At least when I believe that you’re not around.” 

“I’m hurt, Y/N/N,” Tony cries with faux hurt in his tone. His hands coming to grasp his chest with an exaggerated air. At the movement, however, you notice how stiff his movements were. Your eyes narrow as you take in his entire figure again. Noticing the slouched posture and the almost defeated air that surrounded him. 

Taking a worried step forward, you couldn’t stop the fear that interlaced itself within your tone. “Tony, what happened?”

“I lost.” 

If it was possible you could feel even more fear work its way through your body. Tony never admitted defeat, not since your father was alive, he felt like it was a sign of weakness. While it could get annoying at times you know that Tony didn’t mean anything malicious by it. Hearing the words fall from his lips without a hint of resistance? 

It filled you with a sense of dread you hadn’t felt since the day you learned about your parents. 

And when Tony finally stepped from the shadows?

It brought you back to the moment that he had told you. His body caving in on itself as he tried to hide from the world. His bright, intelligent, brown eyes turning black with the various emotions that ran through his mind. His smiling, jovial, face turning serious and grim. A contrast that you don’t think you would ever be able to stomach. You knew that Tony could be serious, when he wanted to be, but seeing him so broken? Empty? That was something you don’t think you could ever witness without feeling your own heart break because of it. 

All of that combined with the bruises? You could already feel the oncoming panic before it even began. 

Rushing towards your brother, you gently take his face into your hands-- noticing his slight flinch as you did so. Pressing your lips into a thin line, you gently stroke your thumb across his cheekbone. 

“What the hell happened, Tony?” 

Your question causes Tony to pause. As if he didn’t know what to tell you-- or how much to tell you. At the expression, your grip tightens ever-so-slightly.

“Don’t beat around the bush, Tony. Tell me what the hell happened.” You pause as an unsettled feeling wells within you. “Did Steve do this to you?” 

“Y/N/N,” Tony sighs with a soft look appearing on his face. His eyes trying to desperately tell you what he couldn’t voice. What he didn’t want to voice. Without thinking you take a staggered step away from him. Your hand flying to your mouth as you try to keep your tears at bay. Not believing that man you trusted would be able to do something like this. 

“Ho-” You clear your throat as the words get stuck. “How did this happen, Tony? Where was Natasha in all of this? How could she have let this happen? How could your team let this happen?”

“It wasn’t supposed to escalate,” he murmurs as he takes your hands into his. His eyes imploring you to understand. “I went to talk to Rogers and Barnes. I wanted to stop the incessant battles and finally come back together as a team. As a family.”

You take one of his bruised hands in yours. “You’re not a violent man, Tony. Not more than any of the others.” You shake your head. “Something must have happened for it to escalate to such a degree. Especially if you went there to just talk.”

Tony stiffens. “I don’t think you want to continue this conversation, Y/N.”

“Yes, I do. I want to know how a man that praises himself on his honor could attack you in such a way. I want to know what caused you to fight in the first place.” You squeeze Tony’s hand. “I’m not a little girl anymore, Tones. You don’t have to protect me from everything. I’m dating a former KGB agent after all.” 

Tony winces at the reminder but you try not to read too much into it. His eyes shifting downwards as he gripped your hand in his. “They didn’t attack me, Y/N/N.” He pauses as he forces himself to continue. To tell you the awful truth of what happened. “I attacked them.”

“What?” You ask with a horrified expression. “Why would you do that?” 

He seems to shrink even more because of your tone. “I learned some things. Things that I should have known from the beginning.” His head lowers once more as his voice drops to a whisper. “Things you should have known from the beginning.” 

You shake your head as you try to understand. “What could have been so bad that it caused you to attack one of your greatest friends? To do so when you went with the simple understanding of a truce?” 

There was a moment of silence.

“I think we need to sit down for this, Y/N.” 

Before you could react, Tony was pulling you out of the kitchen and towards the sitting area of the Tower-- the dinner you had made completely forgotten on the island. 

You didn’t think you had much of an appetite anyways.

Tugging at your hand, Tony settles on the couch with you at his side. His expressive brown eyes staring into yours as he mulled over his next words. 

When the silence became too much, you couldn’t stop the desperate plea that fell from your lips. “Just tell me, Tony. Please.” 

He nods, his body straightening and his shoulders stiffening. He looked like a man prepared for battle that didn’t let anything in this world get to him. If it wasn’t for the pained expression on his face you would believe that to be so.

“As you know I went to Siberia to meet with Rogers and Barnes. I wanted to wipe the slate clean between us. To bring both sides back together again. We need to be united if we have any chance of protecting Earth.” Sighing, Tony shakes his head as if to redirect himself. “During the conversation a video began playing.”

“A video?” You question with a small frown furrowing your brow. 

“Yes,” Tony murmurs. “A video that was created on December 16, 1991.” 

All color drained from your face at the revelation. An almost static buzzing taking over your surroundings as you tried to comprehend what Tony told you. Your eyes watering at the knowledge of what must have been on that video. You didn’t have to hear the rest to know that much. Didn’t have to look farther than Tony’s haunted expression. Or the simple fact of the date you hated more than anything becoming a reality once more. Yet another nightmare working its way into your reality. You just foolishly believed you had finally gotten past this one already. 

Closing your eyes, you try to stem the oncoming flow of tears. Your voice coming out strained because of your efforts. “Did he know?”

There was another moment of silence. 

“Yes.”

This time you knew your heart had broken-- possibly is much easier to handle than actually. You didn’t want to believe that Steve had kept something from you for so long. Something that he had no right keeping from either you or Tony. Even if it was to protect his friend. You had the right to know what happened to your parents. 

At the soft touch to your cheek, you open your eyes to meet Tony’s pained gaze. You knew that Tony had never been close to your father, you hadn’t either, but you knew that Tony never wanted anything bad to happen to him. Much less have anything happen to your mother. Knowing that an accident hadn’t been the cause. Knowing that someone you trusted abetted their murderer. Someone you knew had been connected with each one of Tony’s old teammates in one way or another. 

It was a thought that caused your heart to break even more. 

“Please tell me it’s not true,” you beg with tears streaming down your cheeks. By the look in Tony’s eyes you knew he understood what you were asking. What you were begging him to not be true. “Please tell me that she didn’t know.” You lower your head as a sob erupts from your mouth. “Please tell me that I didn’t just lose her too.”

Tony wrapping his arms around you was all the answer you needed. Keens falling from your lips as your new reality finally sunk in. Clinging to your brother in the dark with sobs punctuating the silence. Filling the usually joyous space with pain and grief. The darkness finally took over the light. 

With your heart irreparably shattered.

And your hope forever crushed. 

You had lost track of how long you had stayed in Tony’s arms. Your tears coming and going like tidal waves. The arrival of Pepper hadn’t surprised you in the slightest. You knew that your brother and her had a lot to work through, but you no one could deny the love they held for one another. Nor could you refute the loyalty that Pepper showed to the Stark family. So you weren’t surprised when Tony’s well muscled arms were replaced by slim ones. When his masculine scent was replaced by soothing floral. 

You had simply burrowed further into Pepper’s arms and allowed yourself to grieve. Allowed the pain to flow from you like a constant stream. A never ending river that you didn’t know if you could save yourself from drowning in. 

However, the refuge you found within Pepper’s embrace was short lived. You knew that you were being selfish by keeping her all to yourself. That you were ignoring Tony’s pain for the sake of your own. A thought that causes your stomach to turn even more. You knew that you had to be by yourself, at least for a little while, so Tony could have his own haven. So Tony could begin to grieve too. 

With great effort you had pulled yourself from Pepper’s warmth and gestured towards the silent figure of your brother. You didn’t have to speak to get the message across of where you wanted Pepper to be. You simply stood, fighting back the need to collapse, and began making your way towards the elevator. You knew that the type of comfort Pepper would provide Tony would be quite different from the type she gave you. 

Even as you stepped into the elevator and the doors began closing, you could hear the soft murmurs of their voices. The loving lilt you could discern even from the distance you were at. It filled you with a numbing sense of warmth. You had never been more happy for someone being in your life than at that moment. You didn’t want to imagine what would have happened to Tony if he didn’t have Pepper. 

Just like you didn’t want to imagine your life without Natasha. 

Even though you knew you had to. 

It is the reality that you were living in. A nightmare that had finally caught up with you after so long. 

As real as the pain in your chest. 

As real as the pounding of your skull. 

And as real as the glass of whiskey you were going to have to numb it all. 

Present…. 

At the memories, you bury your head into your hands. Trying to stop your heart from breaking even more. There was only so much you could take before you finally lost it. Stifling a groan, you settle back onto the couch and stare at the half empty whiskey decanter situated on the glass table. Wondering if your head, and throat, could take any more of the punishment the amber liquid provided. Your fingers twitching at your sides to pour yourself another glass but you refrained. 

You were not about to drown all of your problems with alcohol-- even if you wanted nothing more than to do so. 

Letting loose a low groan, you flop your head back against the couch. Your eyes screwing shut as you tried to ignore the growing feeling of numbness that was settling over you. A numbness that was tinged with fire. A feeling that you were beyond scared to feel once more. You hadn’t felt this type of emotion since you had first heard that your parents were dead. Hadn’t felt this growing feeling of anger being off-set by the hollowness of grief in such a long time. You had no idea what to do.

All you did know was that you wanted it to stop. 

You wanted it all to stop-- at least for a moment. 

Of course, you wouldn’t be a Stark if anything ever went your way. The sound of approaching footsteps rectified that fact. You automatically recognized the graceful gait. A gait that you would only hear if its owner wished you to.

You didn’t know how you felt about that. 

Without opening your eyes, you speak. “What do you want Natasha?”

At your words the footsteps disappear, but you knew that she hadn’t stopped moving. Not when you felt a familiar presence settle itself in front of you. Her warmth radiating off of her like a furnace. Something that you would normally relish in. Now it only made you want to get away as fast as you were able. 

“Can you open your eyes and look at me, Y/N?” 

You almost refused to acknowledge her soft request. Almost turned away from her completely but you couldn’t. Not when she still controlled your heart the way she did. So, with a soft sigh, you open your eyes and are surprised by what you see. Natasha’s green eyes staring at you with tears shimmering within their depths. Her normally luminescent skin a chalky white that caused the dark circles under her eyes to stand out. Her red hair is thrown into a messy bun on the top of her head. It was a sight that caused your heart to lurch-- even if you cursed yourself because of it. Natasha looked tortured. The pain written across her face, her completely open face, a clear indicator. 

Pressing your lips into a thin line, you try to figure out what to do. You knew that Natasha still held the reins to your heart. That she more than likely always would. But this betrayal, this deceit, wasn’t something you could just look over. Not like you had done with the whole Natalie Rushman debacle. There were only so many lies you could bear before everything came tumbling down. 

“Why are you here?” You finally settle on after another beat of silence. Your question rings out across the expanse of space between you. Your gaze never wavering from her emerald green. 

Natasha frowns. “Why do you think I’m here? I’m here to make things right between us.”

You scoff, feeling your anger begin to scorch through your body. “Make things right? Make things right?” You stand as the last part of your statement turns shrill. Your eyes blazing with indignation as you stared down at her. “How the hell do you think you can make things right? After what you did? After what you kept from me?”

Following your lead, Natasha stands and tries to move towards you. An action that you quickly move away from as you move back over towards the piano. At your clear dismissal, Natasha wrings her hands together. An almost panicked look beginning to work its way across her face. “I know, Y/N, I know what I did was wrong, I do, but I thought what I was doing was right. I thought I was protecting my family,” Natasha pleads. “I didn’t think it would escalate like this.”

A sardonic laugh falls from your lips. “Didn’t think?” You shake your head, another laugh erupting from your mouth. “You didn’t think that it would escalate like it has? How else would it have fucking happened? You thought that everything would be all hunky-dory after what you did? Really? You know better than that Natasha. I know you do.” 

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Natasha cries. “I know that I fucked up but I didn’t think Steve would react like this. I didn’t think so many people would have gotten hurt in the process. If I had known I would have never let them go.” 

Silence. 

Complete and total silence falls over the room at her admission. The same buzzing feeling making its way through your ears as you stare at her. Your brain working overtime to comprehend what Natasha had just admitted to you. 

Taking a step back, you stare at her with an appalled expression. “What?” 

Natasha, seemingly not understanding your confusion, takes a small step towards you. A frown marring her beautiful face. “I didn’t think letting them go would result in all of this.” She runs a hand through her hair-- destroying the bun she had kept it in. “I didn’t think it would destroy you like this. That it would hurt you the way it has. I’m so sorry, lyubov moya.” 

“You let them go?” You ask, needing confirmation. Needing to hear her say it again. “You let them go?”

Lowering her head, Natasha seems to wilt. As if she was finally just realizing that she had said the wrong thing. That the true cause of your misery, at your anger towards her, was still an enigma. “Yes,” she whispers. “I let them go.”

Shaking your head, you take another step away from her, your eyes watering once more at the truth that was so obvious for so long. That you had been blinded from for too long. “I’ve never really known you have I?” 

Her head snaps up to stare at you at the question. A horrified expression crossing her face as she finally realized how much damage had been inflicted. Emerald green eyes shining with even more suppressed tears as she begged you to understand. “Of course you know me, Y/N. You’re the only one that has ever truly known me. I’ve given my everything to you. Please tell me how I can fix this. Tell me how I can repair us.” 

“There’s no fixing this, Natasha. Rhodey is crippled because of your decision to let the rogues go. Tony’s best friend is crippled because of you. He trusted you, believed in you, and you did this? I know that they’re your family, Natasha, I do. But they were ours too. Did you really think that Tony would let them be second-rate citizens forever? Did you really think that we wouldn’t do everything in our power to protect them?” A self deprecating smile flashes across your face. You already knew that answer to all of them. “Of course you didn’t. You didn’t believe that the egomaniacal Starks could save the day. That we wouldn’t just wait for the easy way out and be done with it.”

“No, lyubov moya,” Natasha denies immediately. “I would never think such things about you or Tony. Not anymore. Not since I’ve been able to see what lies beneath the masks. I could understand Steve’s plight. I knew that no matter what you or Tony did it wouldn’t be enough to save them. That Ross and the others would do everything in their power to muzzle us. That’s why I let them go. I couldn’t imagine someone being on the same leash I had been on.”

“Is that why you kept the true cause of my parents death from me? To save them?” 

A shocked look passes over Natasha’s face at your question-- a small flinch appearing at the ire strewn within each syllable. 

“Steve didn’t tell you?”

A bark of laughter erupts from your mouth. “Of course, your precious Steve didn’t tell me. Why the fuck would Rogers tell me anything that didn’t pertain to him being the golden boy? He’s Captain America. We wouldn't want him to lose that spotless repertoire.” You take a small step towards her. Your eyes turn acidic as your voice lowered into a snarl. “But it doesn’t matter that he didn’t tell me. You should have been the one to do so. You. The same woman that has shared my bed for years. The same woman that has made me look like a fool for years because I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.” 

“And what’s that, Y/N? What has been right in front of you this whole time?” 

“That I don’t know who you are anymore, Natasha.” You stifle the urge to sob at the look that passes over her face at the admission. “That you’re making me think that what they told me about you was right.”

As if you had physically struck her, Natasha stumbled back. Her face, if possible, turning even paler than you had ever seen it. “What have they been telling you?”

Turning your head, your eyes find the decanter filled with amber. Wishing that you had a glass in your hand. Wanting nothing more than to stop this conversation in its tracks. To simply open your arms and accept Natasha back. To let your heart open up once more to her. There was nothing more that you wanted-- even if you knew it could never be a possibility. 

“You may have left the Red Room behind, Natasha.” You begin with a small, dejected, sigh falling from your lips. Your gaze meeting hers once more. “But the Red Room has never left you. Nor will it ever leave you. I know that you’re more than the red in your ledger. I believe that more strongly than you could ever possibly know. No matter how much I wish otherwise, however, you will always be a spy. That’s how you were trained to be. That’s how you were raised and nothing can ever negate that. I’m not saying you’re a double agent, Natasha, I’m not. I just don’t think you’ve ever truly been on our side. I think that the bond you have with Steve, with the others, will always be stronger than the bond you have with us. They’re soldiers, survivors, heroes.” A small smile quirks your lips. “Hell some of them are even spies too. While I’m just an heiress with a lot of daddy issues. With an older brother that sometimes goes over the top. I don’t blame you for choosing them. I don’t blame you for staying true to who you are. I just don’t think I can ever forgive you.”

“Y/N/N,” Natasha pleads. Emerald eyes desperate as she took a small step towards you. Her entire being wilting as you took a step back. A normally impassive face losing its internal battle as tears started to flow down her face. A small sob falling from her lips as she realized that she had lost you. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”

At the sight of her tears, you finally lose your own internal struggle. Moving towards her and taking her into your arms. Trying to ignore how right it felt to have her there. Trying to ignore the feeling of her tears hitting your skin. Of her heavy breathing as she tried to control herself. The almost desperate way she was clinging onto you. For she knew the moment she let go you would be gone. 

Lowering your head, you press a small kiss to the top of her head. Your arms tightening around her as you said a silent goodbye. 

“I’m sorry too, Natasha. I’m sorry it’s turned out like this.” Pulling back, you cup her face in your hands. Fighting back even more tears as she nuzzled into the embrace. Emerald green shimmering with her pain. You offer a watery smile towards her. “I’ll give you a head start.” 

Another sob escapes her lips. “I would go to jail for the rest of my life if it still meant I had you.”

“I don’t think I would ever be able to live with myself if you went to jail because of me, Natasha.”

“And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with myself knowing that I’m the reason I lost the love of my life.” 

Not knowing what else to do, you pull Natasha back into your arms. Memorizing the feel of her body pressing into yours. Her scent wafting through your nose-- the feeling of home coming with it. The strength she exuded even when she was nuzzled into your neck. Her arms never wavering from your waist as she returned your embrace. Knowing that this was possibly the last time you would ever get to hold her filled you to the brim with anguish. 

After another moment passes, you finally step back from Natasha. Gently pulling her arms from around you as she tried to hold on. Your eyes meeting her agonized emerald. 

“I love you, Y/N,” she murmurs.

“I love you too, Nat,” you murmur back. “I think I always will.”

Glancing towards the clock situated on the wall, you finally notice the time. Without turning back to her, you speak. “It’s around the time that Tony will be getting up, Natasha. I think you should leave now while you still have the chance.”

There was a beat of silence. Where, for a moment, you thought that Natasha wouldn’t leave. That she was going to stay resolutely in front of you. Her warmth caressing your body like a blanket. 

That moment didn’t last long. As the warmth slipped from you like water through your fingers. Your eyes closing at the painful feeling the chill caused. The loneliness that was pressing down onto you. Something that only doubled when you heard the faint ding of the elevator. 

The only proof of her presence being the faint scent of her and the pain in your chest. 

Opening your eyes, you level your gaze back towards the decanter. 

One more drink wouldn’t hurt.

Not if it meant you could suppress everything that has happened. 

If it meant you wouldn’t see her face every time you closed your eyes. 

Anything would be better than the pain.